Masks Chapter 39

Chapter 39

*Before…
Lucy asks… “Uhm…what’s going on what’s with the…uhm… this?”
Mary Jane looks at me with this sort of sad for me and I love you smile all rolled into one which just pushes me towards tears really easily and it’s like super hard to keep them back. She side eyes towards Lucy and I nod and she slips her arm around Lucy’s shoulders and leads her to the girl’s bathroom.
“Let me tell you about my best friend.”
I’m just sort of there clenching and unclenching my hands and biting my lower lip…I’m really emotional and really nervous right now because they’re all going to be talking about me…
The day’s half done…the day’s half done.

*And Now…

I hate this, I hate this being alone out here, not knowing, and…and …I hate being in boy drag.

It’s like incredibly nerve-wracking.

It doesn’t take all that long in actuality but the girls all come out together and there’s some newly re-done make-up and there’s some dabbed at eyes and Mary Jane has this look on her face that hakes me able to exhale this breath that I’ve been holding and then there’s Lucy.

Lucy who actually comes over and she gives me a hug.

I’m trying really hard not to cry. I shake a bit but it’s more like this really, really contained bounce on my feet in here arms as I do this kinda timid hopeful little. “…yay?”

Lucy sniffles and laughs a little. “Definitely yay.”

I hug her back after that part and we’re getting looks from some of the other students and mostly those kids that are giving me this whole look that’s this sort of semi-eye roll kind of thing.

It’s not an actual eye roll but it’s that look of not really hate but sort of like this exaggerated semi complaint statement of “Gays.”

Not quite hate, just really teened stereotyped.

It’s the few that go passed avoiding our group that do the mumbled Fag or Faggot under their breath.

They, they’re the hater types and I see Liz with some of them and there’s the nasty look like me being gay was something I did to her like personally or something.

Not that I’m gay, I don’t know what I am in like the whole dating and sexual way. Besides I’m not old enough for any of that stuff anyways and it’s hard enough wrapping my head around the gender stuff.

And some of those people are looking at all of my friends like their getting painted with the same brush by them just for being friends with me.

Some guy from one of the other middle schools in town goes passed and he gives me this dirty look. “Faggot…”

I’m like just…well I want to tell him to Eff off but I’m kind of just not really there mentally to like give him one and I don’t have to as Toni starts off.

She gets right in front of him. Like literally in his face and she’s talking really loud doing this suddenly Eliza Doolittle thing. “Faggot, I like a good faggot I does, I see that you like a good faggot too eh son.”

He so has this WTF look on his face.

“What?”

One of the teachers is coming right over. “Toni….stop saying that word.”

She looks at the teacher. “Wot? I thought he was just like trying to talk about food seeing as we’re just outside the food hall and such and he comes along t’all of us and He Start’s going off about Faggots.”

There’s kids watching, there’s some of them laughing, we’re laughing.

The guy he looks like he either wants to pound her or run away crying and all helpless at the same time.

The Teacher… “Toni!”

“Wot, I likes a good faggot, and figured he’d like a good faggot to eat next time for hot lunch and all.”

“TONI!”

She turns and she stares at the teacher who’s red faced and says. “What….What we can’t say it because it’s a slur and he can get away with that homophobic bullshit.”

The teacher looks at her…purses her lips and she looks at the guy that said it and he’s red faced and near crying. “You said that?”

He doesn’t say anything but there’s more than a few people that are sort of between neutral and friendly to me nodding.

“I think you should apologize to Steven”

He looks like he horked up a big slimy booger and someone was making him swallow it.

“I’m…I’m sorry.”

The teacher… “For?”

“For calling you a faggot.” The look on his face says though…but you are.

I nod and offer my hand. “We’re good.”

He shakes it but it’s like I’ve got HIV or something, no it’s exactly like that whole bigoted thing where people think that gay’s something that you can catch.

The teacher gets another disappointed look on her face. “Get to class, I’m writing this up but I’m not going to haul you down to the office just yet. But you’ve been warned.”

She looks at everyone in earshot. “We don’t tolerate bulling and that includes stuff like this, now get back to your classes.”

People start leaving and the teacher’s like. “Toni…”

Toni looks at her and actually has the nerve to blink at her like she was one of her cutesy anime characters. “Yes…?”

“No more.”

“No more what?”

“No more of that faggot stuff.”

“It’s a food stuff actually ma’am you can google it.”

You ever see someone with that expression on their face that just reads like they want to facepalm and then pull their face off sort of gesture? The teacher looks like she wants to do exactly that.”

“You know the difference, please respect that we don’t want slurs here in the school even if you are using it in another way.”

“But…but we’re part of the commonwealth, it’s the King’s English it is.” She’s Doolittling again.

Rachel actually steps up and wraps her hand around Toni’s mouth. “Got it ma’am.”

“Good.”

Toni’s got her smartphone out and the teacher’s heading away and misses that she typed.

Or is it the Queen’s English and look see sub-titles.”

Honestly I think that the teacher missed that whole last part of purpose.

Then Rachel has this look on her face that’s shocked and she makes a face and pulls her hand from Toni’s mouth with this Eeew expression and we’re all seeing Toni making out with Rachel’s hand.

Lucy’s staring at her in this whole stunned sort of way and she shakes her head after a minute. “No one would have done that home.”

Rachel’s like… “Where was home?”

“Nova Scotia.”

Becky’s like… “Oooh I like lobster.”

Lucy kinda of smiles. “Well unless you get it from the tank at the grocery store, you won’t find it home outside of like driving an hour or so.”

They all look confused and she continues. “Truro’s kind of mid province.”

There’s some nods and Amanda’s got her tablet out and she’s googling it and she’s nodding. “Cool, so what was it like?”

Lucy’s pulling a face. “Honestly I’m really, really glad to not be there.”

I rub her shoulder. “Well I’m glad you’re here too.”

She smiles and blushes as the other girls nod and the bell rings and she says quietly just for me. “Thanks Steph.”

I smile back as we start heading to our homerooms for afternoon registration. “No problem though I should be thanking you for being cool about this.”

She shakes her head no. “Nuh-uh, I…I haven’t been included in stuff for like a long time. It was nice…better than nice I…I missed having friends.”

I really want to give her another hug but we don’t have the time and she just had this sort of sad but happy wistful look on her face as she was heading to her’s.

I go to registration but I really have to keep it in mind that straight or Cis or LGBTQAI+…everyone has stuff that they’re going through and that there’s stuff that we’re all like fighting through besides all of my stuff.

I see Nick…and there’s a bit of a look there like he seen me with them and stuff at lunch and there’s more want to hug or like make it better or something coming up from my heart.

They’re another one going through some stuff.

We do registration and afternoon announcements and then it’s off to geography and then art class. That’s actually a good way to end the day and I’m de-stressing and at the same time feeling all yes, yes, yes it’s the end of the day soon, soon, soon and I can get back to being me in…

And I was like counting the minutes.

But I still go a mess of the paper mache pumpkins molded and some more of the ones that are done painted and stuff for the trick or treater kids and I talk with Becky or listen because she’s talking about the whole thing for Halloween and her costume and she’s going as a nurse maybe or a maid or a kitty.

And she’s serious and stuff too and that’s cool with me. Becky’s not one of the most bril girls in school and most of her marks are like from trying so hard than being smart but she’s really friendly and she’s one of those girls that’s has her heart in exactly the right place.

And she’s stressing a bit over her English homework since we’re all sort of doing poetry and stuff even if we’re in different slot classes.

Yeah I know that sort of sounds like dirty.

I look at her as we’re done and heading out of class. “You want to come over to study tonight?”

She looks at me. “That’d be okay?”

“I can ask.”

“Sure, lemme ask my folks.”

So we do the phone thing and Mom says sure and Dad’s like working and stuff and she say’s we’re having shepherd’s pie and I’m texting Yummers and she’s LOLing and Becky’s grinning.

“My folks said sure.”

“Cool.”

“Totally.”

She grins and Mary Jane’s there and suddenly it’s like the three of us and Becky like gets it as M.J. and I spout off with the whole like… “Totally!”

We take a pause to talk to Lucy and get numbers and stuff because she's on one of the other buses and her and I hug it out some more and she has this look like she'd wanted to stay.

But we all wave bye to her.

We’re all laughing and getting looks and we get our things and we get on the bus together and head home and we’re still sort of getting looks well I’m getting looks and stuff from the other kids and especially the ones that I’m not going to school with because all they see is Steven and not me and I think a lot of them think that I’m gay now.

Word like spreads pretty fast and stuff, and I’m sitting with M.J. and the other girls still and we’re all talking about stuff mostly homework and there’s a bunch of stuff like what Toni did and Randy getting caught seriously making out with his girlfriend and how Holly Price just like shot up like two dress sizes and she’s now like went from a skinny girl in like our age group to being on her way to Mary Jane like stature and Mary Jane is being like so…odd…not like odd because I get it she’s like commiserative about it and at the same time she’s like competitive and stuff too.

And I so don’t feel alone at the young teen girl sigh over what the rest of us don’t have.

Okay I know I really am like left in the dust with this compared to the other girls…..Grrr stupid chromosomes….but at the same time we’re this little sort of private knot of us girls talking and stuff and Rachel and Amber and Amanda and Toni and me are all in the same boat when it comes to like proper hottie curvature.

Becky’s on her way to a C cup so she’s not part of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee as Toni has dubbed us…and apparently that’s like a movie? I soooo don’t get how she gets away with watching the stuff and doing the stuff that she does.

And yeah, they’re including me in the whole thing and that really friggin feels awesome. I might not be like out yet and stuff and we’re not coming right out yet and saying stuff and like outing me but it’s there, we know it’s there and I’m being included.

Becky gets off at her house saying she’s going to change and stuff first and I get off with Mary Jane’s house and I get us two coffee’s as she is showering and changing and I load my aunt’s coffee perk with hot water and set out her tea pot and some tea in it and stuff and a note saying “flick me on for hot water.”

You know that’s a good idea, if you want to make tea and need to like shower and stuff the coffee perk will do that quite nicely and the kettle won’t be whistling or boiling over on the stove either.

I hear M.J. yell. “I’m gonna be a minute or two I’ll meet you over there!”

“Okay, I’ll lock the door and I have our coffee I’ll take the path!”

“Uh-huh okay!”

I leave and I head home with the coffees in our travel school mugs and take the path and it’s just nice. It’s nice to stop actively being Steven and just be myself and I stop in that little patch of field and take a sip of my coffee and smile.

It’s hard not to smile when I’m like stopped.

I mean I look around and it’s a few logs fallen over from trees downed in the winter and the grass is like high and just starting to brown and there’s an old grey fence wade with two or three inch wide log beams and on posts and there’s some pine trees all the way around it mixed with the occasional alder and spruce with a lone big old birch tree near where the path comes into my back yard and here and there past the fence line are the maples trees that are like all over town.

It’s just a really nice spot and it’s out of the traffic and everything so it’s always been this sort of intermittent play area for us kids and stuff. Not so much now with most of us around here like either being older or my age or too young to use the space to play in now but in a few more years…

I bite my lower lip then smile and take another drink of my coffee and I take a breath and sit on the log and set everything down and then take off my sneakers and my socks and I go barefoot.

Aunt Els into the Wiccan stuff and the goddess stuff and I don’t know about much of that stuff but I like this and there’s this feeling. I mean have you like not really gone barefoot that much then you take your shoes and socks off and you’re walking on the ground and there’s this feeling.

I know it’s likely just all the nerves and stuff feeling things like differently and stuff and like they’re likely reacting to like the weight of my body pressing bare feet into the earth and stuff but when I close my eyes and just stop and breathe holding my coffee to my chest it feels something different, it feels like almost as if the ground is pushing up at me.

Like there’s some connection or something there.

And if some of this stuff’s real it’s nice, it feels kind of like…and I hope I don’t like sound like all new agey and stuff but it’s sort of like she’s holding me up.

And I stay like that until I hear Mary Jane come and I open my eyes and she’s looking at me.

“What are you doin?”

“Communing with the earth.”

“You sound like Mom.”

“Aunt Els is pretty awesome.”

“Uh-huh she is but I’m too close to that being like her kid and all.”

I look at her and take her hand. “C’mon let’s get home and I want to get back to being really me.”

We head home and Becky’s pulling into the yard on her bicycle and she’s like all perfectly down dressed with a tee shirt and a zip up hoody and jeans and sneakers with her hair out of the way and I can smell meat cooking on the barbeque.

I grin as she’s coming into the yard and she’s sniffing and then she’s looking around and she like all. “Ohmigawd pumpkins!”

I laugh because yeah we have a lot of them around and she’s new here but it’s Becky and she’s just too open and happy to be really like bashful and stuff.

I introduce her to Mom who’s on the front deck area with the BBQ and there’s a bit of wood chip smoke and Becky looks at me. “Burgers? I though you guys were like having shepherd’s pie.”

Mom’s like. “We are I just like to get this grilled fire flavor to the ground lamb.”

“Lamb? I’ve never had lamb before I thought it was made with beef?”

“Shepherd’s shepherd sheep.” Mom says grinning.

There’s this whole thing where I actually see Becky go…ohhhhh…as she gets it.

She looks at M.J. “Mary Jane you want to take your friend into the kitchen and help get things ready too?”

M.J. looks at Becky. “Sorry, but like friends aren’t like exempted from like work and stuff.”

She shrugs. “Oh cool I don’t like mind, it’s like learning new stuff it’s not like I’m a great cook but my mom’s like even worse than me and Dad could like burn take-out.”

We make a face and I say. “I’ll be right back; I’m just going to go change.”

I run upstairs and I’m getting out of Steven’s junk as fast as I can and I get some of my things and go and hit the shower. I’m not doing my wig right now but after I get the guy washed off and finally feeling like me and smelling like me I do my hair in a cute short haired style and head down to help with things.

Just jeans and a mountain dew tee shirt and ankle socks and my girl sneakers but I have my chest looking and feeling right and the rest of the stuff like put away and I even have a pair of my earrings in and I feel better, heck I feel awesome.

Becky sees me come into the kitchen and she’s in the middle of chunking a pumpkin into like bits and stuff and she stops and she does the big jaw drop and she looks at me and she drops the knife and her hands come up and do the happy flail and she squees.

Yays…oh this, oh so much this, this is who I really am and this is just…

Yep I’m right with her and M.J. too and the kitchen is full of three teenaged girls.

“OHMYGAWDHOLYSHITSTEPHANIEYOULOOKLIKESTEPHANIE!”

I’m laughing too. “That’s because I am Stephanie!”

And Becky’s like… “I know right!”

And Mary Jane’s whooping it up laughing and then we’re just all having fun and talking as we’re cooking and I kind of drop all the details so far with me and everything with like My family and my brothers and the day we took off shopping and the time we went skating and Emily’s nodding and laughing and saying stuff like. “This house so needed another woman in it.” And “I’d love to go like skating and stuff like walks we never do that kind of stuff home and it’s like right like there.”

Which actually gets us talking about going for a walk after supper and before we have our study session and about like all the stuff that we don’t get to do because usually we’re too busy to do it or by the time we’re not busy we’ve forgotten what it is that we were thinking about doing.

Becky’s got the pumpkin junked up and I’m using the hand veg-peeler to shave off strips of it into the salad bowl and Mary Jane’s done some parsnip and a couple of carrots while Emily’s looking on going. “Whoa…so that’s sort of what we had at lunch? I’ve never seen anyone like do that with stuff like that it’s kinda far out.”

“Far out?” M.J. asks.

Becky nods. “Yeah like it’s pretty far out.”

And I’m like… “Dude.”

And M.J.’s like… “Man.”

And then we’re like… “Totally.”

And then we’re giggling and Becky too and the three of us go… “Totally!”

And Mom’s looking at us with a tray with the lamb burger on it.

I grin. “We’re not using it in the whole ‘Like totally y’know.’ It’s more like we’re mocking it.”

She’s shaking her head but smiling a bit. “I get it we had the same type in my day too.”

Mary Jane’s nodding. “Cheerspeak is evil.”

Mom’s nodding. “We called it Preppanese.”

And Becky and Mary Jane’s got this look on her face as we’re getting back to building the salad and she starts singing. “We’re turning prepanese-a, we’re turning preppanese-a…or at least I think D’oh...”

Mom’s actually the first one to get it and she’s tasting broth for the gravy for the lamb burger and she ends up having it go down the wrong pipe and she starts coughling.

Coughling is when you’re coughing and laughing.

We’re having a good time and we’re getting the salad done with strips of pumpkin and zucchini and chopped strands of cabbage and shaved carrots and a parsnip and then some wedges of tomatoes and slices of cumber then it’s pretty much done and mom’s making the shepherd’s pie.

It’s the ground lamb with onions and rosemary and some thyme cooked on the grill and then she’s got it in a pot in the kitchen as she adds some canned Scotch broth and some flour and makes a gravy and we get some home fries cut, peeled slices of potatoes that are cut off the potato width wise so we have rounds and mom puts then in the deep fryer while we do mashed potatoes and get the carrots and turnip and squash combo mashed up.

Becky’s looking and she asks. “I thought shepherd’s pie was like meat and then peas or corn and then mashed potatoes?”

Mom nods. “A lot of the time but my granddad liked it with the root veggies saying that was more likely a big part of the way it was back then and I like adding the fries as another layer and texture and the flavor with the fries being browned it.”

“Oh well It’s really cool.”

Mom smiles and gets Becky to help her build it and the fires go down first and they’re cooked pretty well done for fries but that’s on purpose and then it’s some salt not a lot but they’re fries and a lot of pepper and then the gravy with the meat in it and after that it’s this layer of turnip and carrots and squash all mashed together and then poured in and smoothed out and the last layer is the mashed potatoes.

She covers the roaster and then it’s into the oven and it not even going to even have to bake that long and Mom’s doing some other stuff too while she asks me. “Steph can you and the girls get some preserves and pickles out and set the table?”

“Okay sure!” I head to the larder with Becky and M.J. and we get a bunch of stuff while M.J. points out the linens to take for Becky and we’re getting the preserves and other things.

It’s one thing that I get…if you can put stuff down and freeze it because you can make stuff to eat sure but you can make a whole lot of filling sides that really can take a simple dish of stuff and make like a big meal out of it.

Rind on pumpkin chunks in cider vinegar with curry spices and turmeric and chilies, Mustard beans full length and the same sauce/brine for cauliflower and even brussel sprouts…we have those with dill pickle brine too and green tomatoes in dill…those are good too since they cook while you’re canning them and they’re really tart they’re sort of like a bundle of dill chow and we have purple beets and yellow beets and carrots and dill green beans and hot pepper beans and we’re kind of done at that point and Becky’s like… “Oh wow, I mean like wow you guys sure do have a lot of stuff and all and we’re going to eat all of that?”

I shake my head. “Not all but it’s like for snacks and stuff or like on a burger or a hot dog.’

She’s looking at the stuff. “On a burger or a hot dog?”

I nod. “The beets are actually just as good as any pickle slice on a burger or sandwich and the long beans are great on a dog.”

“Oh well wow we’d have never thought about that at home.”

Mom says. “We’ll set you up with a few bottles of things to take home then.”

“Really! Wow that’s awesome!”

We’re all grinning and just doing the stuff that Mom wanted even though it’s labeled “girl stuff” well I’m okay with that especially since we’re all going to eat and it’s only us girls here to do it so it’s still going to get done.

And it’s supper and the family meal so we’re putting out the dining cloth on the table well two actually then it’s a basket with bread and another with biscuits and then mom has a small vase and she shoves some sprigs of rosemary in there for the smell and then we’re just plating the preserves and stuff out and slowly one by one people start to drift in with The Twins and Mark and then it’s Aunt Els who opens a bottle of red with Mom and they’re having a glass while we’re waiting for Dad and the guys are upstairs getting cleaned up.

Will and Rob both did the guy non-related to you boob stare at Becky so they’re…very likely getting really scrubbed down and sprayed heel to toe in cologne.

Yick….Blaaargh.

Mom’s talking on the phone and then she’s done and taking out the Shepherd’s pie to cool off to eatability and with the cover off it’s potatoes and sweet root veggies and lamb and fries and gravy all mixed and wafting together and three times Becky does a passby it and deep inhale.

Dad comes in with a big bakery box by the four way strings at the top and gives me a hug as I’m the closest and the M.J. and then Mom and Aunt Els and I’m coughing because he smells of varnish and that’s pretty strong.

He smiles at Becky. “Welcome to the house.” And he shakes her hand which has her blinking in surprise and that’s just Dad though. He heads up to shower and change and Mom goes with him and I listen for a bit before…I hear their music playing upstairs and I’m caught between feeling all yay because romance and eeew because I think I know what their doing.

I take Mary Jane and Becky up to my room and she squees over it and the fact that it’s my room and it’s not Steven’s room a fact that she’s really thrilled about and we get our books set out for the homework that we’re going to be working on and Becky’s got a lot of stuff.

I look at her. “Wow you got a lot of homework.”

“There’s stuff I don’t get finished in class…I mean it’s like hard because I’m not like able to just go through it all like everyone else does and then I got all of this…” She gestures at the pile.

Mary Jane’s nodding. “I’m still playing catch up with the make up assignments so I catch up with you all.”

They’re looking at me and I shrug. “I’m doing okay I have to keep a B to stay on hockey.”

Becky looks at me. “How’s that going? I mean with you being you and stuff.”

“I have to change with guys, or I did…who knows what’s going to go on with them thinking I’m gay and when I come out as transgender.”

She and M.J. both give me hugs and then we hear aunt Elsbeth calling us.

Well Mom and Dad didn’t take too long and they both come down after us comfy dressed and with wet hair and that’s when Emily’s eyes went big and M.J.’s nodding and Aunt Els passes Dad a beer and Mom more wine and we’re all called to the table.

And though I was right about Will and Rob but they’re also being not terrible either and get the chairs for us. I don’t know if it’s that or Dad doing Moms and Mark doing Aunt Els and that look he shot them but it was still pretty cool.

Dad looks at Becky. “Do your folks say grace or anything?”

She looks at him. “Uhm…no, we’re Christmas Christians sir that’s about it.”

Dad nods. “Well here’s thanking those that look out for us and we’re thankful for the things we have both on the table and around it and guys…we’re thankful to the ladies for making everything aren’t we?”

There’s a chorus of thanks and agreement and Becky’s beaming and then we all start passing food and plates and Mom starts us off by asking about our days.

Dad…he looks happy like this is the way it’s supposed to be and Mary Jane’s all content looking too with this sort of want/need/missed this expression and I get that and Becky actually has the same expression only a bit more wistful looking and it reminds me that there’s a lot going on and not more than likely with my friends and I really do have it pretty good.