Masks Chapter 32

Chapter 32

*Before…

Then it’s a night shirt…Fluttershy actually and some cute but pretty normal panties and I slip into bed and I turn the lights off and settle in.

I can just sort of remember how right it felt when I rolled over onto my side and snuggled up against my spare pillow and that weight shift thing, the form and pressure and then it was drifting away…smiling.

This was good…so good.

Tomorrow will be better.

*And Now…

Better?

Oh my goddess.

I like sleeping in.

But I love sleeping in as a girl.

My morning comes around and I’m in my bed with my girly fluffy comforter around me and in my underwear and there’s this weight there on my chest, leaning with the gravity of me sleeping on my side. They didn’t slip out of place but they’re just gelly enough to lean/move the right way.

I sit up and they move and they feel so right.

Everything feels just right, just so right for once.

I look at the clock and it’s twenty passed nine and the house is quiet. I get up and I check myself out in the mirror and then get a pair of track pants and sock and slip into them and head off to use the bathroom and wash my hands and my face.

Hmm…kitchen.

I head down and I’m quiet I can hear Will and Rob snoring and I know that Mom and Dad had a late night and Mark’s likely already gone to work. He has a part time job and Sundays he goes in because they only run that one shift.

So I have the kitchen to myself and I’m not really hungry, hungry so I grab the blender and the orange juice and dump some in and some unflavored yogurt and a squirt of honey and then a few drops of vanilla. I buzz it up for a few seconds and then pour it all into one of our huge old school A&W mugs and a couple of ice cubes and I rinse out the blender and grab a small chunk of the porchetta skin from the leftovers in the fridge and chew on that as I head back upstairs to my room.

I sip at my homemade version of an Orange-Julius and make my bed and then I start to go over my room. I put of my girl mix but not too loud and I just start to go over my room to fine tune it. I mean it was done for me and stuff and it’s really cool but I have the time and I’m making it mine.

And my clothes…rearranging them and stuff and my make-up and stuff.

It’s a really good way to spend the morning and I kind of hear the house coming alive and stuff at different points and around lunch and stuff is when I come out and head downstairs to get something real to eat.

The porchetta is out on the kitchen island and so are two loaves of bread and several containers with stuff in them to make a plate or sandwiches.

This is so Dad’s deal…I don’t know where half of this stuff comes from like the ideas but there’s.

Long thing peel slices of zucchini with the green peel on and they’re in brine from dill pickles.

Yellow zucchini done in apple cider vinegar brine but with red pepper jelly.

Parsnips sliced like that too but with caraway seeds and white wine vinegar and whole ground mustard.

And stuff like that we have peppers and tomatoes and there’s even pumpkin mixed with carrot and squash all grated into strands and stuff.

We’re big on veggies and some might be pickled or dressed up but a lot of it is raw and a lot of it is without oils and fats and stuff and the bread’s whole grain and stuff we might eat but we eat a lot of the time like this.

I make a sandwich and I pile on the veggies and lots of lettuce…I wash and toss my lettuce with a little bit of salt and pepper and that’s all of each that my sandwich will need but there’s one slice of porchetta on there and I get myself some of the cold root veggies from last night and put them in a little bowl and stuff and I head back upstairs to my room.

Homework…and noshing, listening to music and confabing on Skype with Mary Jane on some of the same stuff that we have to do and then a little nervously…okay very nervously with Emily and Rachel.

Emily is sort of got her hand over her mouth at first.

“You have boobs.”

“Uhm…same as the dance.”

“You look like…”

“Bad?” I winch, so much can still go wrong y’know.

“No…you look like your own twin sister.”

“Really, I’m not really wearing any make-up.”

“Uhm…helloooo.” She points to her head, well her head and it’s in that casual bun thing.

“Yeah, but that’s different.”

“How?”

I bite my lower lip. “Because y’know.”

“Because of the boy stuff?”

I nod.

“Hey…you’re gonna get all the stuff done right?”

“Stuff done?”

“Yeah the shots and stuff so you can start growing up right?”

“I dunno, hopefully.”

“You talk to your folks yet?”

“Yeah. I think they’re actually kinda cool with it.”

“Well I was reading about some of this transgender stuff of Tumblr and there’s like super-lots I don’t get but when the fam’s cool and behind you that always seems like a good thing….and besides….”

“Besides?”

“You got us!”

I laugh and grab my pillow and hug it. Yeah I look like a doofus but… “I sooo wish I could hug you right now!”

“Yay!”

That makes me laugh some more and then we ended up talking to each other about costumes and stuff and Halloween coming up and doing our science homework together.

I’d just got off with Emily when Rachel had Skyped me.

Another bite lip moment before I answered.

She immediately leaned back from her screen. “Steph?”

“Uhm….yes…”

“Oh cool gimmie a sec, I need my glasses.”

“You wear glasses?”

“Home, I just can’t wear contacts all the time it just makes me all eye-spoony.”

“Okaaaaay…what’s eye spoony?”

“When they’re so itchy and stuff you want to remove them with a spoon.”

“Eeew…Yick.”

“You’re such a girl.”

Oh… Oh…. (Sniffle!)

“Steph?”

“You sa…said…”

“What?…oh…well yeah, you…I mean just look at you now all verclempt because I called you a girl.”

I nod. “Because that’s awesome.”

“You know we all see you right?”

“Wha…?”

“Since the dance, we’ve been talking and stuff ever since and like looking back at stuff it fits, I mean it fits way more than the gay thing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, like when you know to look more Steph we can see you so much y’know.”

(Sniffle.) “No…?”

“It’s like we can look at a picture of Stephan and when you’re not all totally guarded like when the camera is on you we can see Steph there trying to hide her expressions.”

(Sniffle.) “Really?”

“Yes…that mask has to be so heavy.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…you got no idea.”

“I want one, you wanna come over?”

(Sniffle.) “What?”

“I said you wanna come over?”

“But…?”

“You look fine, you pass, just get your stuff and come over, we’ll hang and talk and watch a movie or something.”

I…I want to but oh…oh wow scary.

(Snuffle.) “Okay…Let me go ask my folks?”

“Sure, see you when you get here.”

She flickers out and I’m like sitting here thinking and hugging my pillow again for different reasons.

I’m scared.

Today was supposed to be stress free Me-day.

But…but if I’m ever to be with my friends and stuff shouldn’t their families get to know me? Used to me at least some before I come out?

Maybe see I’m just me before one of those other opinions goes around.

Deep breath…several.

Screw up my courage.

I’m going to go.

I need to take my own steps and be brave…brave enough to start being the real me.

I head downstairs. “Mom…Dad…?”