Masks Chapter 32
Chapter 32
*Before…
Then it’s a night shirt…Fluttershy actually and some cute but pretty normal panties and I slip into bed and I turn the lights off and settle in.
I can just sort of remember how right it felt when I rolled over onto my side and snuggled up against my spare pillow and that weight shift thing, the form and pressure and then it was drifting away…smiling.
This was good…so good.
Tomorrow will be better.
*And Now…
Better?
Oh my goddess.
I like sleeping in.
But I love sleeping in as a girl.
My morning comes around and I’m in my bed with my girly fluffy comforter around me and in my underwear and there’s this weight there on my chest, leaning with the gravity of me sleeping on my side. They didn’t slip out of place but they’re just gelly enough to lean/move the right way.
I sit up and they move and they feel so right.
Everything feels just right, just so right for once.
I look at the clock and it’s twenty passed nine and the house is quiet. I get up and I check myself out in the mirror and then get a pair of track pants and sock and slip into them and head off to use the bathroom and wash my hands and my face.
Hmm…kitchen.
I head down and I’m quiet I can hear Will and Rob snoring and I know that Mom and Dad had a late night and Mark’s likely already gone to work. He has a part time job and Sundays he goes in because they only run that one shift.
So I have the kitchen to myself and I’m not really hungry, hungry so I grab the blender and the orange juice and dump some in and some unflavored yogurt and a squirt of honey and then a few drops of vanilla. I buzz it up for a few seconds and then pour it all into one of our huge old school A&W mugs and a couple of ice cubes and I rinse out the blender and grab a small chunk of the porchetta skin from the leftovers in the fridge and chew on that as I head back upstairs to my room.
I sip at my homemade version of an Orange-Julius and make my bed and then I start to go over my room. I put of my girl mix but not too loud and I just start to go over my room to fine tune it. I mean it was done for me and stuff and it’s really cool but I have the time and I’m making it mine.
And my clothes…rearranging them and stuff and my make-up and stuff.
It’s a really good way to spend the morning and I kind of hear the house coming alive and stuff at different points and around lunch and stuff is when I come out and head downstairs to get something real to eat.
The porchetta is out on the kitchen island and so are two loaves of bread and several containers with stuff in them to make a plate or sandwiches.
This is so Dad’s deal…I don’t know where half of this stuff comes from like the ideas but there’s.
Long thing peel slices of zucchini with the green peel on and they’re in brine from dill pickles.
Yellow zucchini done in apple cider vinegar brine but with red pepper jelly.
Parsnips sliced like that too but with caraway seeds and white wine vinegar and whole ground mustard.
And stuff like that we have peppers and tomatoes and there’s even pumpkin mixed with carrot and squash all grated into strands and stuff.
We’re big on veggies and some might be pickled or dressed up but a lot of it is raw and a lot of it is without oils and fats and stuff and the bread’s whole grain and stuff we might eat but we eat a lot of the time like this.
I make a sandwich and I pile on the veggies and lots of lettuce…I wash and toss my lettuce with a little bit of salt and pepper and that’s all of each that my sandwich will need but there’s one slice of porchetta on there and I get myself some of the cold root veggies from last night and put them in a little bowl and stuff and I head back upstairs to my room.
Homework…and noshing, listening to music and confabing on Skype with Mary Jane on some of the same stuff that we have to do and then a little nervously…okay very nervously with Emily and Rachel.
Emily is sort of got her hand over her mouth at first.
“You have boobs.”
“Uhm…same as the dance.”
“You look like…”
“Bad?” I winch, so much can still go wrong y’know.
“No…you look like your own twin sister.”
“Really, I’m not really wearing any make-up.”
“Uhm…helloooo.” She points to her head, well her head and it’s in that casual bun thing.
“Yeah, but that’s different.”
“How?”
I bite my lower lip. “Because y’know.”
“Because of the boy stuff?”
I nod.
“Hey…you’re gonna get all the stuff done right?”
“Stuff done?”
“Yeah the shots and stuff so you can start growing up right?”
“I dunno, hopefully.”
“You talk to your folks yet?”
“Yeah. I think they’re actually kinda cool with it.”
“Well I was reading about some of this transgender stuff of Tumblr and there’s like super-lots I don’t get but when the fam’s cool and behind you that always seems like a good thing….and besides….”
“Besides?”
“You got us!”
I laugh and grab my pillow and hug it. Yeah I look like a doofus but… “I sooo wish I could hug you right now!”
“Yay!”
That makes me laugh some more and then we ended up talking to each other about costumes and stuff and Halloween coming up and doing our science homework together.
I’d just got off with Emily when Rachel had Skyped me.
Another bite lip moment before I answered.
She immediately leaned back from her screen. “Steph?”
“Uhm….yes…”
“Oh cool gimmie a sec, I need my glasses.”
“You wear glasses?”
“Home, I just can’t wear contacts all the time it just makes me all eye-spoony.”
“Okaaaaay…what’s eye spoony?”
“When they’re so itchy and stuff you want to remove them with a spoon.”
“Eeew…Yick.”
“You’re such a girl.”
Oh… Oh…. (Sniffle!)
“Steph?”
“You sa…said…”
“What?…oh…well yeah, you…I mean just look at you now all verclempt because I called you a girl.”
I nod. “Because that’s awesome.”
“You know we all see you right?”
“Wha…?”
“Since the dance, we’ve been talking and stuff ever since and like looking back at stuff it fits, I mean it fits way more than the gay thing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, like when you know to look more Steph we can see you so much y’know.”
(Sniffle.) “No…?”
“It’s like we can look at a picture of Stephan and when you’re not all totally guarded like when the camera is on you we can see Steph there trying to hide her expressions.”
(Sniffle.) “Really?”
“Yes…that mask has to be so heavy.”
(Sniffle.) “Yeah…you got no idea.”
“I want one, you wanna come over?”
(Sniffle.) “What?”
“I said you wanna come over?”
“But…?”
“You look fine, you pass, just get your stuff and come over, we’ll hang and talk and watch a movie or something.”
I…I want to but oh…oh wow scary.
(Snuffle.) “Okay…Let me go ask my folks?”
“Sure, see you when you get here.”
She flickers out and I’m like sitting here thinking and hugging my pillow again for different reasons.
I’m scared.
Today was supposed to be stress free Me-day.
But…but if I’m ever to be with my friends and stuff shouldn’t their families get to know me? Used to me at least some before I come out?
Maybe see I’m just me before one of those other opinions goes around.
Deep breath…several.
Screw up my courage.
I’m going to go.
I need to take my own steps and be brave…brave enough to start being the real me.
I head downstairs. “Mom…Dad…?”
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Comments
"Screw up my courage.'
yeah, its not easy presenting to friends for the first time.
Definitely hard to come out, even when you're sort of out.
Steph going to her friend is so different than the dance.
*Great Big Proud Angel Hugs*
Bailey Summers
I'm happy for her...
But worried about other people's parents, not everyone may be as accepting as their kids...
That's exactly why Steph's scared.
But do you hide? Or do you take the chance for something more?
Be Brave enough to live without being under control of your own Mask.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Mask Slipping
The Stephen mask is slipping more and more it seems. Fingers crossed everybody is accepting as her friends seem to be.
Thanks for an enjoyable chapter Bailey.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Fingers crossed for sure.
But it's definitely something that'll get explored in upcoming chapters.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
baby steps...
an soon their running.
nice one, thanks
You gotta keep moving forward.
Because sometimes it's the only option for some people.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey Summers
This is the really hard part....
I have discovered for myself that as hard as it was to admit to myself who and what I am, and as difficult as it was to discuss that with others, there is a vast difference between talking about it and showing them.
Even now, my sons know about me on an intellectual level, but they have never see me as anything other than their father. I have yet to present as my true self around them and I am scared to death of that first time. Knowing something and seeing it, experiencing it are two different things.
This is the true test that I have yet to face. Steph is one brave girl to be facing up to this and hopefully she will always have the support of her friends and family.
Another great chapter Bailey.
Dallas
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Oh definitely there's a world of difference between...
Dressing up for a contest and for just dressing and presenting to others who you really are. Not everyone is okay with it and others can be and some will go back and forth as they try and process it.
But Steph knows that she's coming out and that it might be better if people knew her before the stuff from the hater crowd starts to get thrown at the fan.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Dalles it does get better
After I came out to my sons it took them a while to accept it. But once they understood I was still their dad
but just looked different they were cool. We are very close now and know we love each other. They have no problem
going out to dinner with Pamela. They just don't call me dad there. It is important that you make sure that they
understand that you still love them!! I know it is difficult and you are afraid that you could loose them. You
have to have faith that you raised them right and that the love between you is strong!!
Hugs,
Pamela
Steph's mask is slipping...
.., The landing for Steph probably won't all be smooth with others. Hopefully there will be enough real friends and Steph will above all embrace herself. I think her own strength and mindset must be moving in a way she won't even want to turn in fright.
Very good story!! ^_^
Hugs, JessieC
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors
Like any community it will be a mixed bag.
But she knows she can't balk now...this close. For Stephanie there's so much riding on coming out and transitioning before she get's hit by the puberty hammer.
So glad that you're enjoying this:)
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Gosh say goodbye to the
Gosh say goodbye to the "me-day" but I think if Steph goes over it will be more therapeutic and helpful for the near future.
I wish her luck!!
Xx
Amy
Steph's certainly hoping that'd be the case.
It's so different coming out like this instead of something that can be explained away with crossdressing at a dance.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Bailey dear......
Nice "Me day" ! Stephanie's going to do just fine. She's got such a vast support network, it's hard to imagine her not making the transition now. Of coarse there will be hiccups along the way, but they shouldn't pose to many problems. Thanks hon for coming back to this one hon. Loving Hugs Talia
She's at the point
When you say screw it I'm going to be me no matter what!! It is scary but once you do
you wonder what the big deal was!! Then you are able to do all those things you always
wanted to but were afraid to do. Then you are living your life and what others think
doesn't have the same power over you. You have burst out of your cocoon and spread your
wings and taken flight!! Thanks Bailey for sharing this with us!!
Hugs,
Pamela
Our little Steph is growing
Our little Steph is growing up =)