Masks Chapter 9

*Before…

Brave…?

No Mum If I was really brave I could tell you all who I really am.

And it feels like Stephanie’s little candle was guttering in the dark right now.

I get dressed without looking at myself and slip into bed and pull one of my pillows down from my head like a reflex.

I hug it tight because It hurts.

I just can’t bring myself to turn off the light at my bedside.

Just can’t.

*And Now…

I usually can’t remember my dreams.

Sometimes I don’t want to.

But something stuck from yesterday, from last night and you ever see *The Never Ending Story*?

It’s that part of the end of the movie only The Childlike Empress is me…Stephanie and Bastion is the other me….Steven.

Trying hard to make her dreams come to life and let me come to life.

That’s the dream.

I slip out of bed and rub at my face and dig the eye gunk out.

Yick.

Soooo not going into nursing the human body is really full of yick.

It’s pretty early and I look around my room the light’s still on which is good since its dark right now still and daylight savings time hasn’t kicked in yet.

My room…sigh… well it’s still more disguise that anything that I would really want. Not that I’d want a pink frilly room with lace and frills and look like someone moved Strawberry frigging shortcake in there.

Oh…Oh well oh…

Maybe.

Anyway’s my room is this blue slate sort of color that I like actually though if I had my choice of paint for my room I’d go with something else just to be me and not boy me. I’d like to really if I could though where dad builds stuff all the time have the walls tore off or rather the sheet rock and have like white pine or something for my walls lightly varnished and something darker or stained around all of my windows for like this maybe sort of cabin look.

I have a nice closet actually with the louvered doors I’d just like a girls closet with like a shoe rack in it and a full length mirror on the door.

I want to get rid of my carpet in here and have something new.

But mostly I just want my stuff in here to be my stuff and not my stuff camouflaged in with other stuff.

I want stuffies; girls get to keep their stuffies.

It’s kind of typical and there’s some sports stuff up there on the walls like some posters and some posters of girls too. Nothing nude because well mom won’t allow it but women that are sort of like represent stuff that I like about women.

I have a magazine poster of Fallon Fox that’s gone un-noticed by my siblings. She’s kind of awesome even if I’m not into the whole fighting thing.

Then there’s my models of planes and cars from when I was younger and into that stuff and some of my star wars toys. When the new movies came out Dad was all happy and stuff and getting star wars toys was no problem even the girl ones.

I look at my wall of trophies. I’m actually pretty good at hockey and I’ve been playing a long time since like the Timbits teams.

Okay some people might not get that Timbits are this doughnut hole from a chain here in Canada and the teams are the little kids, like as young as like first grade and stuff. Hence Timbits we’re small.

Actually that was my first indication something was wrong.

Instead of getting a fluffy skirt and a leotard and going into figure skating like the other girls here I was playing hockey.

And I’m like I said good enough, when you’re playing hard enough to distract yourself from everything that feels wrong in your life you get some pretty amazing focus.

I’m no Sid the Kid but I’m lean and I’m fast and fast can get goals too and it can get the puck back.

Actually chasing and intercepting the puck are two of the things that I’m best at.

It’s so messed up that I want to be proud of it but not at the same time.

I would really love to know if all the stuff that I do in my life as Steven is going to feel this confused and this hollow.

Anyone?

I sigh and I get up and I go and take a shower before the others do.

Scratch that; I want my own bathroom too in my girl bedroom.

Mom and Dad of course have their own bathroom and it’d be great except for the fact that Dad shares it too. And as someone that has spent time in the boat garage with him she is a far braver woman than I am.

I open my shaving kit though and while I’m not shaving I am trying a few things.

Lotion and a face cloth with some Veet on it and I go over myself and de-hair the few that I have. Struggling to grow out of my face and anywhere else. I’m not that hairy yet and I will fight this tooth and nail.

I wash all of that away and then I rinse off with some guy soap I use Nivea for men shower stuff because it’s like the most gender neutral and sort of smelling stuff that I can get without going really high end.

My hair is shortish but still I take really good care of it because someday…someday I’ll be able to grow it out.

Actually two years maybe three…Billy and Bobby might be graduated by then and out of my business and I’d have two years of getting things more or less to myself.

Sigh that’d be so nice.

I get out and sigh and face the damned mirror again and I do try a few little things. Face scrub and anti acne regimen and I use lotion again Nivea but this time they have this lotion/aftershave for sensitive skin. And I have some Aveeno the scentless oatmeal stuff for my body.

I even check my nose hairs and my eyebrows…those get a little tweeze. Not overboard, gawd okay I’m a girl but if at any time I have to draw my eyebrows on and it’s not because of my brothers or a drunken college roommate’s thing then please beat me hard.

That being said it doesn’t hurt to neaten them up.

My last line of guyoflage is to whip out the can of that wretched axe body spray and let off a long burst of it in the bathroom that way they don’t smell the Veet.

I get dressed and I go for my black cargo pants and I pull on a thin yet tight long sleeved black sweater-tee and a school hoody and my hockey jacket and then socks and sneakers…my chunky watch which I actually like…I like guy’s watches even on girls and mine it really nice a present from my Dad’s brother Uncle Roger who lives in Alberta.

We don’t see him much but he sends really nice stuff and even like things he hunted or fished. I’m not squeamish of fussy. I’ll eat wild game and stuff I think trying different foods is actually a smart thing, if I try it and don’t like it that’s another thing.

I get my binders and my smartphone and stuff and put it into my shoulder bag.

It’s a big laptop business bag and as close to a purse as I’ll likely ever have and I check all my stuff to take with me. I keep tissues and wipe packets from like KFC and a stain pen just in case and adhesive bandages…gum. It’s really not much but it’s as close as I can come really.

I head down stairs and I get some breakfast and that for me is in the morning is an omelet. Two eggs and instead of milk some cottage cheese salt and pepper and I whip them together and on a thin glass plate I pour them out and microwave it.

I microwave it so I can roll it off the plate and into a fajita bread with some baby spinach and some sprouts and that’s breakfast except this morning I make two and I get some of the stuff mom and I made last night and take a couple of Becel containers and get some samples of each.

The thunder of hooves says the my brothers are up and I make coffee and get my water bottle and clip it to my bag and I have a matching small thermos and I pour some coffee into that and snag an extra coffee mug and stash it in my bag. I pour myself a cup and make some lunch. It’s just tuna fish sandwiches but I use just a little mayo and some pepper it has enough salt from the packaging and I dice a little celery into it for crunch and mine has some diced cucumber too, just enough so give it that semi sweet fresh cuke thing but not to make it not taste like tuna. Whole wheat and some bib lettuce and I’m done.

Oh here’s a tip I got from TV leaf or bib lettuce on a sandwich will keep the filling from making the bread too soggy and gross.

I’d make something for Mom and Dad but between mark and Billy and Bobby they wouldn’t leave them enough. I do reload the coffee perk before I go and I head out early for school just enough really to meet Mary Jane at her house and have enough time hopefully to get to the bus stop.

We’re too far to walk to school and I could have biked it but the I wouldn’t be there for M.J. for her first day of classes. Thankfully we’re in middle school so we take the city bus and not the other busses.

I hated those busses.

There were a lot of jerks on them because the drivers weren’t allowed to do stuff. City bus drivers you don’t mess with or they’ll pull over and put you off and maybe even ban you if you’re really a jerk that’s causing problems.

And there’s other people on the bus so witnesses cut down on the being a dick factor.

No my folks don’t drive me to school even with the hockey jacket. Dad doesn’t work near the school and mom works mostly at home.

And there’s no way I’d drive with Mark.

Even if he would gawd the aftershave he wears alone would kill me.

Yeah that bad, think sixteen year old with cologne.

Yick.

I head over and the prospect of seeing Aunt Elsbeth and M.J. cheers me up a lot from the usual morning blahs and it doesn’t take too long to get over there and Aunt Els’s car is gone already.

She must have a job, I hadn’t heard that yet but to be honest I really wasn’t paying that much attention to stuff with her before recently and I go and ring the doorbell and M.J. comes to the door and she’s got a piece of toast in her mouth and one foot in one boot and trying to get her foot in the other one.

“Morning.”

“Mmmrph!”

“Okay, here jeeze sit and do that.”

I guide her to the hallway steps and she sits and tugs on her other boot.

Nice boots, reddish brown leather and a two inch wedge heel and calf high and they go really great with her outfit which is these floral print jeggings so they sort of look like grey denim with flowers printed all over them and a skirt and she has a sweater on that really…well it does the sweater thing with her boobs.

“Wow, you look awesome.”

“Not too much?”

“A little but it’s your first day so yeah you want to look kind of smashing.”

“Smashing? Are you British?”

“Smashing is a perfectly acceptable term. It’s so much better than that whole Hawt.”

“What’s wrong with hot?”

“Kinda over used for me.”

“So I look alright then?”

“Yesh, jeeze and as my official opinion as your girlfriend. I’m jealous.”

She smiles. “Thanks Steph.”

“Hey it’s true.”

And it is, I actually love the way that she looks and while part of me is all girly-yayness over her looking that awesome there’s a part of me that feels both the jealous sting of wanting that too and the whole feeling of drab…and heavy and frumpy.

Boy-yick.

Though her calling me by my real name helped some this morning.

“I brought breakfast.”

“I ate.”

“Yeah I should’ve called.”

“Whatcha make me?”

“Breakfast fajita.”

“Okay gimme.”

“Manners woman!”

I’m smiling and I dig it out and she takes it and eats. “Mmm…good…kinda different, do I want to know what’s in here?”

“Probably not.”

She wolfs it down and I smile and she’s doing that and she’s getting all of her stuff together and finishes it all off by getting her oversized leather jacket on and it does look really good.

“Ready?” I ask her.

“No, but I really don’t have a choice right?”

“Not unless you want to quit school and be a trailer park girl.”

“Eeew no thanks.”

She locks up and we start walking and talking on our way to the bus stop.

“Hey I thought of something for our costumes.”

“Something Halloweeny for our roller derby stuff?”

“Well not like witches and zombies Halloweeny but more like cutesy and yet so totally not.”

“Cutesy and not?”

“Yeah you can be Strawberry Shortcake.”

“What…..?”

“You know that old doll thing with the cartoon?”

“I know who she is I’m a redhead I have one of the stuffed dolls as a present.”

“Cool!”

“Steph how is me being her cool?”

“Okay now think about her but like she was our age and street enough to be in a roller derby team.”

“Okay so like…?”

“We change the look to be her but tougher and way more cute with like that whole roller derby girl look.”

“Hey…that might work and what about you?”

“I’m going to be Rainbow Brite.”

She looked at me and her eyes went wide. “Oh my goddess…Rainbow Raver Chick!”

She starts laughing and I’m laughing too. “Yeah and Strawberry Hurtcake!”

We’re laughing all the way to the bus stop and we stop when we get there and we’re getting looks from the laughter and from the other kids that know that this isn’t my usual bus.

I know a few and I start making introductions and M.J.’s shy at first but opens up when I catch Ricky Simmons staring blatantly at her boobs and I reach over and tilt his head up with a hand under his chin.

“Dude you’re staring, uncool.”

He get’s embarrassed and the girls sort of look at him with a uh-huh booblooker stare and M.J. get’s red too but that sort of helps them have this whole girl thing.

Some of us start to talk and get onto the bus and I’m sort of semi on the fringe of the conversation with the whole girl thing as they are chatting as we head to school.

It’s mostly M.J. giving them the sort of who she is and where she’s from mixed with not having a boyfriend and what kind of music she’s into and her outfit and their outfits and guys and boobs and staring.

And yes all at once.

And yes I’m following all of it.

Learning girlese is not that hard. Take each girl and she will have her topic that she wants to talk about and she will and then add it that all the other girls are doing the same thing plus all of them are keeping up with the stuff that the others are saying too.

See…easy, like keeping track of threads of stuff from each thread online and commenting in each one of them and keeping track.

The only other thing is the language of the emotional content.

But as much as this is totally not losing me I’m being left behind in it.

I’m a guy.

No…I just look like a guy.

But it’s enough that they aren’t really talking to me like their talking to each other.

Sigh.

M.J. looks at me though and I use my mask smile and I mention how cool her room is and not the geekette stuff I’ll leave that to her but the cool bed and closet and the way her windows come out over the back porch so you can actually slip out of them and sit and stuff.

She smiles and mouths a thank you.

I smile back and try not to show the way I’m really feeling about being left out.

I’m looking out the window when I hear M.J. say. “You know Steven here said that he’d help me meet people here so I wouldn’t have to run the new girl gauntlet. I mean that’s why he’s kind of only mentioned the cool stuff but not actually how cool he’s been to me.”

I blush. “M.J. its okay we’re friends.”

“Exactly and it’s not cool that we’re not including you in the conversation.”

I do that it doesn’t matter shrug. “It’s okay; I mean it’s not like I can really just comment on all this girl stuff right?”

The girls on the bus and she’s looking at me. Mary Jane shakes her head. “Wrong. C’mon I actually like hearing your take on stuff.”

“Uhm okay…” I look at Becky Truman. “I honestly agree we should actually have a Halloween costume dance at the school too, I mean the high school kids are doing it and I think that’d be cool.”

“Really?” She asks.

“Yeah really I’d like to go to a dance at school.”

M.J. chirps in with. “Steven’s actually having a Halloween party and a dance at his place in the boat garage and it is looking pretty cool.”

Then we’re into it and we’re talking the dance and the party and the fact I don’t have the invites done yet and even talking costumes and stuff…including clothes and I preface each of those comments with ‘Honestly?’ just so I’m looking like I’m offering up my opinion. Music is easier, I can admit to liking female singers with a whole less bias and comment on the stuff that I like too.

My favorite bands and performers of the moment are….

Avril Lavigne.
Jessie J.
Pink
Christina Aguilera
No Doubt
Headley
Brett Michaels…yeah the guy from Poison but his solo stuff is really good.
Lumineers…I love, love, love Hey-ho.

I even really admit that I’m a sucker for old tunes and especially old ballads and stuff there is just something that old rock has.

I’ll confess that I want to be that girl that these guys are singing about. I don’t say it out loud but I would love to be the girl getting sung to and just like holding myself in a happy hug while someone is playing something sweet to me.

I hold back on going full on girl with them and yet…yet I’m actually being included now thanks to M.J. and partway through the bus ride we end up lacing our fingers together and squeeze each others hand once in awhile.

It’s the best morning I’ve had in a long time going to school…maybe ever.

She looks at me and smiles and adjusts her hand and we hook pinkies together all the way until we get to the bus stop at school.

I can’t stop smiling.