Masks Chapter 12

*Before…

We hug and right after that is our stop and her mom’s home because Aunt Elsbeth’s jeep is in the driveway and we head inside and it smells like laundry inside and there’s rock music playing. *Shoot to Thrill.* By AC/DC and Aunt Elsbeth is setting up stuff in the kitchen like it’s for like a salon or something and she looks at me and grins.

“Hey girls.”

Yay… (Smiles.)

“Hey!” We both carouse.

“M.J. can you lend your cousin some clothes and stuff to wear after she has a shower?”

“Sure!”

“Steph?” Aunt Els says/asks as she holds up two weaves…not wigs but weaves…. “Which one do you want to try first?”

*And Now...

I…oh wow…that and the stuff that’s out like we’re going to do make overs…and clothes and…

“You…I…?” (Sniffle-big swallow.)

“Yes honey you can be you in this house.”

I can’t help but to drop my book bag and run over and hug her.

“Ohmygod, ohmygod! You’re so the best…really, I mean like really it’s okay?’

She hugs me really tight and close. “Yes Stephanie it’s okay.”

I’m shaking like a three year old on sugar and grinning just as much and I’m happy crying looking at her and she grins and passes me a plastic bag from one of those discount stores.

“Aunt Els?”

“Starter pack, go shower.”

I bite my lip and then kiss her on the cheek and give her one more squeeze before heading upstairs with Mary Jane.

I look in the bag and there’s a couple of packs of those cheap cotton panties and the nylon ones that are like the faux satin and a couple of those training bras…there’s some Secret deodorant and some women’s soap and shampoo and conditioner.

Oh my god.

I stop at the second landing. “Oh my god…Yeeeeeeeeee…I have panties!!!”

Mary Jane burst into laughing and pushes me mid happy dance up the stairs. “C’mon you sooner you shower the sooner that you can put them on.”

I…I…this, this is such a huge moment…I mean it really is.

I start to sniffle. “Oh wow you guys are so cool…”

It’s that happy cry and I can’t help it but to hug M.J. and cry on her in front of the bathroom.

She’s rubbing my back and cooing and just being soothing and just generally all kinds of awesome. Then she’s laughing a little.

(Sniffle.) “What’s funny?”

“You…you’re so emotional I can’t wait to see you on hormones.”

“I…what…I…”

That, that’s been one of those too far off, too far flung fantasies…and she’s saying it like it’s something that’s going to happen?

“It’ll happen girl, one way or another it’ll happen.”

We hug really tightly and I almost bounce into the bathroom and yeah I’m still crying and I start undressing and I’m not even going to the bad eww dangle place I’m that happy and excited and I’m into the shower and taking the shower stuff in with me and I swear…nothing had ever smelled better than this smell of the shea and cocoa butter body wash.

I’m washing and sudsing up and there’s…that feeling I talked about in Gym class where I feel like I’m skin deep sick of what’s on my outside it’s like I’m washing that pain out of my pores.

One of the two of them takes it up another notch by playing music and it’s fun girly rock stuff and I’m singing along with *Pocket full of Sunshine* By Natasha Bedingfield.

Oh my god that’s such a good girl jam.

Washed and shampooed and conditioned I dry off and put on my deodorant and even some powder and I’m shaking in this excited happy way taking my panties out of the pack and the ones I’m wearing are just simple white cotton with small little daisy flowers of them.

I take a breath and slip them on and as excited as I am about it I’m not excited in that Yick way.

But…I tuck that back and pull them up and they slip up to my crotch and ride up on my hips in this way that I had only imagined until now and…they settle in this way that just say to my brain.

Correct.

This is right.

It’s not even pleasure it’s just relief, rightness like something that was digging like a splinter in my head just got pulled out.

And there’s a gasp and then there’s tears because it feels so damned good to just feel normal.

That’s all I want, I just want to feel like me in my own skin instead of like my life is a constant hug by sandpaper.

My bra is next.

My bra.

Oh the yayness in that statement and y’know I think I’m having that moment that all other girls have when they put on their first bra.

“Steph? You okay you need help with stuff?” M.J. calls through the door.

“Nope got it!”

“You sure?”

I open the door. “See…Ta daaa!”

Mary Jane giggles. “Wow you did are you ever excited.”

“Well yeah this…M.J. this is something I’ve ached for.”

“Really?”

“You wear guy’s drawers all your life and stuff when you’re not a guy all your life and then you’ll get how it feels to wear something that’s actually made for you. I feel right.”

“You look like a girl.”

“I am a girl.”

“No, I mean just with this and the underwear you look like a girl…even with the short hair you kinda look like a flat girl with short hair.”

“My shoulders are too big and I don’t have any hip or bust.”

“Okay there’s some technical stuff but seriously you look like one of those athletic girls with like the small boobs and stuff.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…like really.”

She grabs my hand and pulls me to her room and in front of the full length mirror on her closet door.

I…

I do…I mean sort of…I’m tucked and it’s doing it okay enough that I’m not really showing and I haven’t really hit the whole guy-puber-curse yet so I’m not too bulky…other than the short hair…I look.

I look like Stephanie.

I’m still staring when she passed me some socks wrapped in some nylons.

“Huh what?’

“Femitradition…you have a training bra you have to stuff it.”

I blush and I giggle and I take each one and I stuff my bra and settle things around and adjust it until it feels right and the training bra sort of pushes things down until it looks like I’m just pushing out the cups but in a solid way.

Mary Jane tilts my head up to look in the mirror again and it’s.

It’s seeing another little part of the real me there.

Me staring out and back at myself and not hidden under some mask and not curled up crying in my darkest places either.

Even when M.J. hugs me we look like two girls.

“Wow…” I breathe…really breathe it feels good to breathe.

“I’d say, let’s get dressed and go down and show Mom.”

“Okay!”

I am excited…I want to see this through; I need to see this through.

Thirteen years and this is far too long and far too late.

And yes I know there are other girls and women out there far older than me suffering through that same fate.

I’ll light candles for us tonight.

Mary Jane has some clothes out for me to look over and to try on and yeah there’s this whole urge to go wild and do the whole clothes and fashion try on everything…thing but it’s also that the actual me, Steph is just looking to be me.

I pick a cute scoop necked sleeveless blue top and I match it with a pair of army-esque designed capri pants that sort of have that cargo pants look and socks follow and it’s just normal and plain or plain and maybe a little big skate-girl like but still me, still feminine.

“You’re good at this I mean the outfit rocks Steph.”

“Thanks, I’ve had lots of practice with outfits.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, maybe even more than you.”

She’s giving me the eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, I mean you’re not a serious clothes horse but you still got lots of great stuff but they’re still kind of clothes for you…for most of my life these are things that I dreamed about.”

“You dreamed of clothes that you could wear?”

“I dreamed of clothes that I wasn’t allowed to wear or even look at too long.”

“I suppose…not being able kind of makes it more intense.”

I nod. “When you’re dreaming of being you when you’re like me it’s a big part of things just to be able to do things that are so plain and normal as wearing clothes that make you feel comfortable in your own skin.”

“So that’s how you got your bra on so easy?”

I nod. “I’ve put a bra on in my head so many times in my head it’s like second nature. I’ve even acted it out.”

“Acted it out?”

“Yeah that stretch of reaching behind to fasten yourself it’s this little thing that you can sort of steal for yourself without getting caught…”

“Wow there’s…I can’t imagine Steph.”

I hug her and I kiss M.J. on the forehead. “Good.”

We both smile at each other and we’re both sort of sniffly and on the edge of tears. I hug her again really tight…there’s a lot of this about me right now and maybe too much. I know I’m messed up and this is one of those huge amounts of work and attention things but M.J. has her stuff too.

“Thank you M.J., Thank you so much…you’re pretty freaking awesome to be there for me like this.”

(Sniffle.) “Really?”

“Yeah…all those other people, they had no damned idea just how awesome a friend you can be….I’m so effing lucky.” I hug her tighter. “So effing lucky.”

It’s one of those hug and hold and snuggle moments. I’ve seen them and I’ve read about them but it’s something that sort of gets voided out of your life when you’re like me and I really missed this kind of human contact.

We both finish and are a little sniffly but smiling and M.J. looks at me. “Make-overs?”

“Oh so definitely.”

We actually rush down the stairs and do a sort of bounce off the wall stumble through the kitchen door and that sets us off to laughing.

Aunt Els looks at us and grins and the air is filled with the smells of coffee and cosmetic stuff and I can’t power down my happy smile and I call out. “Blonde, I need the blonde one!”

We get coffee and we get down to business. I’m looking over the weave and it looks a lot like a wig actually but with like this rubber cross that has holes in it like one of those hair caps that they use to pull sections of your hair through at the hair dressers.

“So how does this work?”

“Well most weaves are ones that you literally sewn into you existing hair but these are quick weaves.”

“Quick weaves?”

“They were made for modeling and film when you need a weave that can look more natural that a wig.”

“Wigs can be pretty close to looking like regular hair.”

“Some can and do and they’re pricey too. These are a lot cheaper but you get all that freedom of not having to deal with the skull cap and these use four points of connection so they’re stable.”

“Where’d you get these?”

“Actually I made them.”

“Made them?”

“I’m a beautician, so I saw these before and I have the hair and I make wigs too so I thought that I’d make these.”

“Okay that’s kind of cool…so my hair gets pulled through the little holes and then what?”

“We clip it down.”

“Pardon?”

“You take these.” She holds up these small bobby pins. And you pin the hair as it’s folded down into the next hole back from it. Then when you need to change them you just pull out the pins and that’s how we do it.”

“I think I got it.”

“It’ll be harder doing it yourself but with a good mirror and patience you can do it.”

I’m biting my lower lip and looking at her sceptically.

“But it is easier to have help. Here get in the chair.”

I hop in the chair and she gets started and it feels strange with the tugs and stuff as she pulls tufts of my hair through and each tuft gets folded down and then fit with one of those mini pins.

But once they’re all in Aunt Els starts to sort of tousle it and then to cut and trim it some.

“But…but I like the length!”

“I know and we’re keeping most of it but I’m giving you a cut honey that suits you and that we can do things with.”

“Oh…okay..”

It takes too long and at the same time not long enough it seems and thankfully they don’t make me over before letting me see me in the mirror.

I look…It’s me there looking back and more.

Honestly I don’t think that I even got this far in all my dreams…well okay some dreams but that self image, the me in my head wasn’t this good looking.

I’m not saying I’m beautiful but I’m kind of beautiful…I mean to the way that I see myself now I mean.

I’m looking at myself in the big mirror they have and I’m skinny, and I don’t really have that hip to waist ratio and my shoulders aren’t the way a girl my age’s usually is even if I don’t work out like and stuff but The clothes, having what looks like a little bust and this long blonde hair that has these really cute bangs and goes down to my shoulders in the back.

I look like me.

And right now being as close to me as I have ever been feels pretty darned beautiful. I take a few deep breaths to keep from crying and Mary Jane’s rubbing my back and it helps but it’s not because she’s running her hand over my bra strap and it’s the fact she’s just even doing that that is kind of happy setting me off.

I end up doing the hand flutter to keep from crying and then I’m grinning and M.J.’s grinning and so’s Aunt Elsbeth and she takes out a pie out of the fridge. It’s some kind of icebox pie and I grin and get us refills on our coffee.

Oh it’s one of those milk chocolate pies.

I am a girl and I know I have that whatever brain to hormone thing that makes chocolate soooo good. “I love chocolate, my fave’s chocolate cake but this looks really good.”

Aunt Elsbeth nods. “I bought this from Michelle’s.”

“Oh…I wanted to try going there but I’ve never been brave enough.”

“Their cakes looked really good too.” She says and M.J. looks at the both of us and holds out her saucer.

“Cake isn’t pie.”

I laugh and Aunt Els just looks at us and we smile and we try to explain the TV Show Supernatural and the whole Sam and Dean thing and where the whole fanism came from.

We are so going to have to rent the seasons and get her caught up.

For those people who don’t watch Supernatural it’s this really good semi horror show and it’s pretty much the show for a lot of people that filled the void left by Buffy and Angel.

Oh the pie is pretty though…and I’m excited even by this because this coffee or tea and doing stuff like this might be like super cliché but you see it all the time…like so much of the whole this is a girl thing this is what we do…it’s one of the rituals.

Coffee and sweets with our girlfriends.

Michelle’s is this sort of girls store it’s a boutique and has all these clothes that are a mix of the really truly vintage and the newer things that are semi high end clothes but also under things and shoes and from stuff I’ve seen on their website they sell or rather carry stuff like artisan made jewellery and chocolates and sinful other stuff at their foodie nook.

It’s one of those places you can shop for clothes or stop in and get like something sinful but it’s really kind of geared to be this sort of female-centric store.

This thing, this milk chocolate looking pie is pretty a cookie crust/shell and this two inch thick filling with this chocolate mousse of some kind and there’s these little dark flecks in it like darker chocolate and this whipped cream topping that has those little finished peaks like it was put on there with a piping bag.

See…I should be in Home Ec.

We get sparing slices not wanting to over do it and it’s soooo good. I mean the main chocolate is this barely sweet light chocolate mousse and the flecks in it are curls of dark chocolate and actual shavings of what Aunt Els says is real black truffle.

All I know is it goes from this sea of light chocolate and as that dissolves in the bite I’m being hit with these little bursts of dark chocolate like teases and then this other flavor that is like…it’s like this sort of mushroom earth note but only if you boiled that mushroom in cream with like vanilla bean and served it in these thin slivers.

I’m not even sure that I’m even getting that right but it’s heady and velvety and earthy all at once and just like the dark chocolate this tease of that and it leaves you wanting to taste it again but wanting the mellow chocolate or the cookie shell or the whipped cream to break it all up or all of it together is just like amazing.

Like if you like chocolate this is foodgasmy stuff.

You know something is good when all the people there are eating it and there’s just a few moans of goodness and smiles around forkfuls.

And the coffee is just perfect for countering it all.

Aunt Elsbeth looks at me. “You’re not mimicking are you?”

“Nope…this is me without to trying to pretend to eat like a guy.”

“You know we really don’t eat like this all the time right?”

“I know, it’s habit because there’s nothing like eating to mess with your make-up.”

I actually grin because both of them are looking at me like they’re surprised that I get that. We don’t want to wreck our make up and we get that from our mothers and so on because we see them doing it like that so we sort of emulate our folks or role models.

Me I learned just like any other girl from other girls I’ve seen to TV and well…mom.

Aunt Elsbeth looks at me. “You ready?”

“Uhm…for?”

“Make-up lessons?”

“Sure!” And I’m all excited again.

I mean I’m not going to be one of those girls that plaster coats herself in layers of bulletproof foundation and stuff and really I’m not sure how that’s going to actually feel one my face or how I’ll like it or now. I mean there’s lots of girls that don’t bother but I want to know.

Anything to hide or fight my encroaching testosterone invasion and what’s that going to do to me.

Yick.

But my mood swing to the down doesn’t last for long because since Aunt Els doesn’t just do hair but all of that stuff she has like all the best stuff and I see a whole lot that looks like it might be sale samples too. All the names are there like Max-factor, Covergirl, Revlon and the list goes on and there’s even the door to door stuff like Avon and Mary Kay and some other line called Alouettes.

We do our colours and we do these paper blotter tests where she dips the paper in stuff and it tells you what kind of skin you have where and we apply and remove and apply and remove and we do this with all kinds of stuff she has and trying different products and when we find stuff that works for me she puts it in this cute shaving kit that’s actually a make-up bag that has stuff in it.

I’m so happy I could just squee and completely girlout about it. I mean she’s giving me this stuff and I know she’s got lots but still it’s one a small fortune in cosmetics but she’s teaching me how to do things too.

After like what must be a dozen looks we go with my casual look. A very fine amount of liquid concealer just to even out my complexion but right in line with my skin tone some eyeliner just for some definition but in a semi-brown-bronze so it sort of stands out but it mixes too with the color of my lashes and eyebrows…and just a little flesh and pink lip stick applied really lightly so it’s just sort of barely noticeable but at the same time there’s this sort of kissable shine.

We’re just packing up when my phone rings.

It’s mom.

“Uhm Hi.”

“How’s the makeover session?”

Oh yeah she sort of…well she thinks I’m playing dress up.

“Good it’s all so different than what I’m used to.”

“Well tell your Aunt and cousin to come over with you we’re doing spaghetti.”

“Okay…. it might take me a few to get changed.” Dammit, just dammit …Yick.

“No come as you are we need to have a family meeting about you and the costume contest anyways.”

Gulp…