Masks 48

*Before…

Mary Jane is suddenly there. “In town date or like out of town date?”
Grayson looks surprised too.
I manage to squeak out an. “M.J.!”
He’s looking between us and he says. “I thought she was cute on the bus so yeah anything she’s good with.”
Mary Jane says. “Friday night?”
“Sure, I’m pretty sure mom’ll be good with it.”
My mind’s still running in wait! What! Circles with him saying her thought me...She...was cute on the bus.
Me...She...her…
They were still talking when second bell goes off and I’m just still pretty much super shocked and all.
He’s headed off looking at his school map and I’m looking at Mary Jane.
“What just happened?”
She looking smug hands...well fingers sort of hooked into her faux pockets and says.
“You my girl might just have a date for Friday night.”
I’m staring at her and she slips in and gives me a one armed hug.
“Not bad girl he’s pretty cute.”
I…
A date.
I’m not sure I’m even into guys but a date...to sort of feel...possible...like things and good things could happen for me.
M.J. passes me some tissues as I’m smiling and crying all of a sudden.

*And Now…

I wipe at my eyes and look at her and we start walking to class.

“He thinks I’m a girl.”

She looks at me. “Durr you are.”

“Yeah but I’m not a properly equipped one. It’s not right…”

“You think we should tell him? We don’t know him yet.”

“And yet you signed me up on a date with him?”

“We’ll double.”

I look at her. “You’re not seeing no one?”
“I’ll ask Toni.”

There’s a loud girl-Homer “Whoo-hoo!” behind us.

Okay I can’t help but to laugh at that.

I’m distracted all the way through classes as I can’t help but to think about Grayson and like all the stuff that he’s said today, all the things that he’s done today and I’m just literally sighing over some of it.

It’s crazy hard not to girl out over this and just hold all these feelings and parts of me under this mask I gotta wear.

I mean it.

Crazy hard.

And getting picked up by Dad and heading over to practice was just kind of pushing my dysphoria buttons.

I really didn’t want to deal with all of that with everything going on in my head and everything and going to where the team was and going into the locker rooms and getting changed with the boys was extra uuugh!

I could not internally eyeroll any harder.

Like seriously.

Guys, and the stank...and farting...really, really bad farting.

And they talk about the girls and stuff.

It’s hard when you’re sort of friends with some of the girls that they’re talking about.

And when my friends come up and M.J.

“Hey guys knock it off those are my friends and Mary Jane’s my cousin for eff’s sake.”

A couple of the guys have at least the manners to look abashed some and a few just stay quiet but there’s a couple that are giving me looks.

Troy Whittaker gives me this hard stare as he pulled on his gear faster. “Just because you’re a gay that doesn’t mean you get to police my language cuck.”

“I’m not, and stop being an asshole.”

“I’m not an asshole, I’m just a straight guy.”

“Sure dude.”

We stare at each other and the other guys notice and he does this like aggressive shrug of his shoulder and pads and growls a little as he leaves.

Randy and Tommy look at me as they come past to head out to the ice. “You okay?”

“Yeah I take it he’s not one of the team that’s okay with it?”

Tommy nods. “Yeah sorry we’re trying to talk to him, we don’t want the team to have a bad rap.”

I nod. “I get that and I’m all for it, heck I’m on the team and there’s going to be people like me on other teams too.”

Randy nods. “Yeah we’ll talk to the guys again.”

I smile and get my heavy jersey on. “That’s cool guys, thanks. I can’t believe he actually said A gay.”

We actually are laughing about that as we head out and I suppose it’s a little mean girl in a way but we and some of the others don’t really let that slide and kept bringing up him saying A Gay.

But it was still just a mess inside.

Seeing the figure skating girls all together, in their gear and the sweats over some of that with their cute coats and hair in ponytails and all together talking and having hot chocolate while watching us and talking.

I like hockey, but I feel even heavier than ever.

All that gear, all that armor, all of that hiding me even more than before...more than I noticed before.

And like Nick was super quiet too and was really avoiding me and well he...she...they? I mean the intersex stuff just what pronouns do I use?

But yeah stuff here just had this vibe of stuff going on with them.

His dad was on him again at practice yelling and pushing him to “Skate harder!” and “Man up dammit!” and swearing when he’d miss shots.

Any time we got close his dad would shout his name.

If we had to play close together like it’d likely have been an issue with the coach and it’s likely going to be if this keeps up as the coach was like looking soooo like done.

But that didn’t happen today.

And it threw me off and it certainly threw the team off some and it was even tenser in the changing room.

Then there’s getting out and seeing the girls out on the ice.

And it aches because i want to be out there and I have a set of the skates.

I get a hot chocolate and I watch and not just watch but I clap some when someone does a good trick and that gets a few others doing it that were watching too.

That gets a few smiles from the girls who usually don’t have a lot of people watching other than family and coaches unless it’s like a competition.

I ache because I want that to be me.

That should be me, should’ve been me and just able to do stuff like this and be happy and cute and pretty as bad as all that sounds and not have to stress about never being those things.

Hey I know girls have self image stuff and that’s a huge deal but I’d just love to be even that...free.

I just...I want the mask off.

I don’t flipping play goalie.

Dad was talking with some of the other parents again and the coach and he comes over and he’s looking at me.

“Bad day?”

I nod. “Can we go?”

He nods. “This sounds bad.”

I get my bag and shoulder it and grab my stick and we head out to the van. “I just feel bad Dad, I feel just too damn heavy and it’s sinking all the way inside.”

He’s quiet as we get in the van and before we do he comes over and he hugs me.

“I’m sorry kiddo, I am I wish I had the words to make it better.”

I shove my face into his jacket.

“This helps Daddy, it helps.”

He hugs me a lot tighter which helps too and we’re like that for a little while and the other parents are driving out and that sort of gets us moving.

Dad tries though...he digs out a brand new air freshener for the van and it’s a pumpkin spice one and he cranks up the heater too and has the XMF radio switched over to something up to date and we drive out and head for home.

I huddle in my own jacket trying to get warm past the funk inside but it’s hard for it to seep past and everything.

It helps and everything but I was just kinda...quiet and looking out the window all the way home.

God...just.

I take out my stuff and my books and head to the back porch area and I toss in the clothing bits to wash and I start using febreeze and stuff on my pads and my skates and I use my wheeler stone to touch up the blades and then just a shot of 3-in-1 oil and I rub/oil polish the blades.

I’m doing that maybe a little too long but there’s something meditative about it or something like that the polishing and cleaning and it takes a little bit for me to clue in and see that Mom’s there.

She looks down at me. “Ouch.”

And that and just the look on her face it just, just has me crying right off the start.

And she sits down with me and she pulls me in and she holds me.

“It’s okay Steph, it’s okay mom’s got you.”

I wasn’t planning on hurting today like this it just up and jumped me.

Dragged me down and mugged me.

I wasn’t planning on hurting so much I ended up bawling.

I haven’t bawled, really bawled since I was little and that was like getting physically hurt this actually feels worse.

Like it’s deeper.

And I actually lost it.

Cried so hard that I lost track of stuff and I wake up in mom’s den/workspace with some old girl rock stuff I don’t know playing and Mom’s there and so’s Mary Jane and Aunt Els.

We’re all in this weird nest with the couch she has pushed together cushion to cushion with the two matching love seats and there’s pillows and blankets and quilts all over us and Mary Jane’s hugging me pressed tight to my back.

I can’t help but sniffle as I’m waking up from crying and everything.

Mom’s in front of me and Aunt Els has her just like M.J. has me and when I open my eyes I’m looking into my mom’s and there is just so much there.

So much hope and love and caring… and there’s this connection too.

Like this...this whole thing is one of those things that moms and daughters only have.

I’m still in guy drag, still haven’t changed yet and I feel right now so much like me.

I can hear the guys in the kitchen and smell supper being cooked and their music playing out there.

“I’m sorry...I...I’m sorry everyone, I don’t want to be like this...I don’t want to be like all hurting and needing and messing everything up.”

Aunt Els laughs lightly. “Oh babe, you’re not messing up, you’re just being a girl…”

Mom finishes. “Stuff like this happens to all of us sometimes Stephanie.”

Mary Jane puts her chin on my shoulder. “You haven’t see me hit bottom yet, seriously this, this is like just normal.”

(Sniffle.) “Normal...I could do normal.”

We sit there for a few more minutes and Mom smiles at me. “The guys are cooking maybe you might want to get cleaned up and out of your boy clothes.”

I nod and couple of times. “Yeah...yeah that actually sounds pretty good right now.”

We move and M.J. helps me up and over the rearranged furniture and we head upstairs to my room.

The food smells good coming from the kitchen with a heady blast of italian herbs and garlic cooking.

Dad used to work at a pizzeria when he was a teenager for a while and he knows all sorts of things that are really, really good.

It’s actually a relief as i get to my room and it’s MY room, it’s Stephanie’s place finally.

I grab my shower things and Mary Jane grabs my robe for me and some of my towels and we head off to the bathroom together.

I get undressed right down to my underwear and I slip into the shower and then toss those out with a foot.

Part of me wants to shower with something on over it.

I crank on the water good and hot but as high as I can too so I’m being blasted with the water pressure and I start to scrub. Lots of body wash and I’m generating an almost dangerous amount of suds as I’m showering and trying to scrub all the sweat and all of the guy off.

Mary Jane put on some tunes some how and it’s helping since it’s pretty much girl music.

She’s singing along to *My best friend’s Hot*…? I don’t know the band but a girl lead singer and it’s really, really catchy and I find myself cheering up as we go from that to Carly Rae’s *I really like You* and some Taylor Swift I have heard and then some others that are just fun and good to sing and bop to.

I’m sure that i really don’t need to but I take the Veet and give myself a smoothing over just because it feels right in my brain right now.

I turn the water off and I’m in this whole scented cloud of steam and M.J. passes me my lotion and a smaller towel that I dry with and then a bigger beach towel that I wrap around me and then my panties.

I feel better, a lot better and a lot more like a living breathing human girl like this and Mary Jane helps me get ready with my hair back on and then I put on a little bit of make-up just because I want to even though it won’t be on all that long and the biggest thing for me is my few shots of deodorant.

I hate smelling like a guy.

Hate it because it’s like this really visceral reminder of my body and how it’s wrong right now.

I feel better and I get changed pretty simple in a scoop necked pink tee and yoga pants and slip on flats.
I’m back.

And after this weekend I’m here to stay, to get out of the mask that I’ve been wearing and start living my life before nature messes me up even further.

And that’s actually got me feeling better.

Like I can feel the momentum of me starting to build up.

It’s a heck of a nice feeling.

I’m not a slob so I grab the spray and wash magic bubbles stuff and give everything a wipe after I’ve used everything and dump the towels into the hampers before heading downstairs.

Oh my it’s like walking down into a cloud of Italian smells.

I smell garlic bread.

We make excellent garlic bread with big inch thick slices of homemade bread or like bakery bread and Dad or in this case Will is frying the bread in real butter that has real bits of garlic in it from a garlic press and then it’s set out to drain off on paper towel and Rob’s making bechamel sauce under Dad’s watchful eye.

See when we’re making ours we give the fried bread a spread of the bechamel and the fry keeps it from getting soggy and then lots of mozzarella is put on top and it’s melted in the over.

Sounds like heaven right?

Oh it so is.

Then there’s Italian pickles which are like just long beans and carrots, really young turnips and other things but Dad makes a brine of lots of garlic and some fresh oregano and even adds Italian store bought salad dressing to them before they get pickled.

Then a few cold cuts all as like starters and then there’s a really big salad and that’s got stuff we don’t usually have in it like fennel and rough chopped fresh herbs and Dad actually will do this thing with thin, thin slices of lemon with peeling and all that he tosses with the fennel fronds and pepper and that is in the salad too with like yellow zucchini plus there all the standard stuff like lettuce and celery and tomatoes all that stuff.

And because it’s october and Halloween is still coming we have like roasted pumpkin ravioli and the main pasta dish is a big, big pan of lasagne with it being the heavy meat dish with like layers of ground beef and a layer of ground pork with a very liberal mixture of italian spiced sausage meat cooked really crispy, and well there’s lots of green it it too with loads of spinach and another layer of broccoli rabe and loads of ricotta in in instead of cottage cheese.

Oh yeah a lot of food but there’s four pretty big guys plus me and Mary Jane and Mom and Aunt Els so we’re not a small group of people and we like always cook for leftovers.

It’s great to get smiles from them all when Mary Jane and I make it down and that helps too.

Mark offers me a bit of a piece of just fried bread he’s been eating.

“You feeling better? Everyone said you were pretty down.”

I eat and between chewing and swallowing little bites I nod. “Yeah, hockey practice was hard, just being at the rink was kinda hard today.”

He gives me a hug. “Well I’m glad you’re feeling like you again. You’re not the same when you’re trying to be Stephen.”

Okay...okay that was really nice to hear.

“Trying to be?” I ask.

Mark nods. “Yeah trying and failing, after starting to get to know my little sister, you are usually in shades to tolerating it to miserable in boy drag.”

I give him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks Mark that actually helps a lot.”

He smiles. “As long as you’re feeling better sis.”

Then Mary Jane says out loud as we’re all gathering at the table.

“Oh she’s feeling better she has a date with a boy for Friday night.”

I’m like. “M.J!!!”

And everyone just stopped doing everything and they’re all staring at me.