Masks Chapter 20

*Before…

Okay, I feel better now…I feel more grounded and more like myself than I ever had. We do facials and mani-pedi’s and I’m surprising them in just how much I know.

Hey when you’re a girl, you’re a girl and if you’re like me and actually like hair and make-up and the girly stuff the stealth or not odds are you’re going to know it even if it’s your first times. I’ve lived a hundred thousand little girl snippet lifetimes already.

I want the whole thing, I need it.

I’m going to…

M.J. comes in with popcorn and Aunt Els is putting on Season one of Gilmore Girls and we sip all together in this pile on the bed in the bag on the floor and pillows and comforters.

This…so much this…

*After…

I do have a really great time and the whole thing is awesome getting to do all that stuff and have this kind of fun.

But it’s the closeness that has all the real meaning for me.

I think I lasted to about the first disc of The Gilmore Girls before the de-stressing really kicks in and I’m falling asleep.

I get my facial off and I love the way that it makes my face fee and my skin and wow…I think I could feel my pores feeling clean.

But it only reinforces the post adrenaline yawns and I crawl into bed and Mary Jane joins me and with more room Mom and Aunt Elsbeth are snuggling in together too. It’s kind of cute actually the way that we mirror and stuff.

If I wasn’t so sleepy I think my brain might have been a little more WTF over the idea of sleeping with M.J. I mean it’s not like I have a whole adolescent life of having these things and boys really don’t have that many sleepovers.

Okay I didn’t.

And it’s likely that it’s because even that young I knew that’d be off.

I drift off snuggled into my bed and my still new bedclothes and M.J. makes it better still with just that right kind of smell and presence that she adds to everything. It takes no time for me to drift away.

Dreams…

Really odd dreams and I’m not sure that it’s stress or the food or what…likely the stress though.

Carrie…There were snippets of my dream that were me as Alice but they had pulled the whole blood scene on me and they were laughing and stuff about it and it was just…well it was good that it was like only in snippets.

Then I was a dancer in a black and white video with Jenn and M.J. and Amber and Becky and we were doing dance ballet kind of stuff for Avril?

I was in a stewardess outfit but like from the seventies and stuff and I was on skates and serving drinks to the guys on my hockey team while they were on the bench.

The last one was so really weird because I was a cartoon and I was turning from being Steven into being a girl and I had these big full amazing boobs.

………………….. “Steph…Steph…wake up…”

“Mmmm…no…I have boobs and my boobs are awesome.”

“Well thanks but actually they're my boobs.”

And I’m awake!

And in the dream I was like so overjoyed at actually having boobs drawn or not that I was down the whole lift and rub and massage.

And I’m blinking…and I’m blinking and I have my hands fully on M.J.’s boobs like one of those whole kink girl things you see in like anime shows.

“Oh…oh shit M.J. sorry.”

“Uh-huh…I know, you talk in your sleep.”

“I what?”

M.J. does this imitation of me. “Oh god, oh wow my boobies are awesome.”

“Yeep!...sorry.”

“We’re cool though you could move your hands or I might just upgrade to a four.”

I move my hands. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

She rolls over and looks at me and I have to be honest there is nothing sexual in this okay…nothing but with her hair messy and little bits in her face in the morning she is really beautiful.

I look at the floor and Mom and Aunt Els are there and they left the stuff there in my room and a note saying. “Making plans please pack up.”

I look at M.J. and she looks at me and then she does this most amazing thing and very envy inducing as she does that girl-cat-stretch thing and as she’s doing it she actually stayed up on her tip toes or rather the front of her feet and walked to the door. “Gotta pee be back in a minute.”

Oh how she looked doing that.

I really want to be able to do that too.

Then I see the clock.

It’s nine-seventeen in the morning.

“Shit, shit we’re late for school!”

I run out jumping over the stuff in my room and head down to the first landing on the stairs. “Mom!...Mom! You here?”

She comes out of the kitchen to look at me. “Yes honey.”

“Can M.J. and I get a drive and a note or something we’re going to be so late.”

“You’re not going today.”

“Huh?”

“Elsbeth and I talked it over and we thought that you too needed more than just last night to de-stress over things and there’s some stuff that I want to do today with you girls while Elsbeth’s at work.”

“I…oh…we’re playing hooky?”

“No, you’re taking a sick day.”

“Uhm we’re not sick?”

“It’s a mental health break day. You need one kiddo and so does your cousin and I want to spend the day with you two…plus we can get some stuff done.”

“Stuff done?”

“You’ll see. I’m making breakfast you want juice?”

“Uhm…sure.”

I head back upstairs and I’m a little befuddled but a little more bemused but I’m not going to argue with the fact that I don’t have to put Steven back on so soon and that I can get to be me for awhile longer.

But it really is so Mom to go with an emotional health day.

I think that she’s done that before too with Dad sometimes, or like back in some of his old jobs.

She’s a very work to live and not live to work kind of person.

I head to my room and look at Mary Jane. “Apparently we’re not going to school today.” I nod at my clock.

Her eyes widen. “Oh shit…wait what? Why?”

“Our mom’s think that we need another day to chill out and stuff. Mom called it like an emotional health sick day.”

“Uhm…okay but I just started at school I shouldn’t really be missing the time.”

“I think we’ll be okay, I mean the first month of school is all pretty much the paperwork stuff and all that other stuff so you really didn’t miss that much and I can help you get caught up with the rest of the stuff that you need to.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, we’re girlfriends remember?’

She grins and we settle and I then of course with the school crisis averted now have to pee too and yes…yes I pee sitting down…no shaking it and I use some toilet paper to dry myself.

And whenever I could I’ve always done this because splashing pee out and everywhere is effing gross and I’m not a fan of pee drips in my underwear either.

Yick.

I come out and I get changed and dressed and I go for capri pants in a soft green and a light blue top with a squared bodice that I can fill but I sort of and able to get the look with my stuffed bra and every once in awhile I can see my bra-straps.

Mine…me…

And wow I’m really doing this.

I mean I’ve actually walked around my house in girl mode without sneaking or feeling like I had to hide myself or any of that stuff. Okay I know that Dad and the boys aren’t here but still…there is a big difference between the way that this feel this morning and the way that it feels last night and before.

I smile as I fix my hair into a pony-tail and go and help M.J. with the slumber party clean up in my room.

You know the person who thought up the way to put these beds in a bag back in their case is a Gee-dee sadist right? We finally get it away after some very unthirteen year old girl like language.

Yes M.J. was responsible for most of it.

Because I would never.

Blink, Blink….

We head down stairs and we can smell breakfast and it smells really good. I go into the kitchen with M.J. and Mom has juice made in a pitcher on the table and then there’s some turkey bacon out. Mom nukes it because you get to a certain point and it goes really brown and crispy but you try and do that on a pan and even the non-stick ones tend to stick when it comes to turkey bacon.

And she’s making pancakes.

We actually don’t eat stuff like cereal that much unless we are really busy and even then we’re a Muesli and Granola and Shredded-Wheat kind of family as opposed to like Lucky Charms and stuff like that and we almost never have like frozen waffles in the house.

Dad taught all of us how to make pancake batter and we have as he puts it. “A perfectly good waffle maker.”

Though we still have cereal and me I like Honey nut cheerios, Mark likes Honeycomb and The twins are into Applejacks and Mom makes us buy them ourselves.

Mom looks at us and smiles. “Eat up girls we have a busy day today.”

I look at her. “Uhm…okay like what?”

I am grabbing some pancakes. Mom says stuff like that and she means it so likely nothing except maybe a snack until like supper time.

Besides I really do like pancakes especially mom’s because her’s are really fluffy and they sponge up the real maple syrup. That fake syrup’s another thing we don’t really have here.

It’s not that she’s a health nut or Dad it’s just like I said they grew up poor and living off plastic foods and stuff and I think that now that they have the money it’s one of those never again kind of things.

We’re eating and Mom’s saying. “We’re going shopping.”

“Shopping…?” My heart kind of…and Mom’s looking right at me.

“Yep just us girls.”

Eeeeep shit she wants me to go out in public!?

“Mom!”

“You look fine honey and we’re not going shopping here we’ll head over to Kitchener.”

“But…”

Mary Jane reaches over to hold my hand. “Steph you’re okay, you’re kinda flat and a little skinny in places but you’re definitely a girl.”

“I…uhm…”

Mom leans over the kitchen island. “Shop-ping.”

“Mom, I’m not that much of a stereotype!”

“No but I am and you need things and we need stuff for your costumes too.”

Okay…

Okay she’s got a point there.

It must have been written all over my face because both of them are grinning at me.

I screw my lips up a bit in that girly harrumph look and eat some more of my pancakes.

Oh shit I’m going shopping.

In public!

We eat and then Mary Jane runs over to her place to get ready and changed and I help Mom wrap a couple of paintings that she’s going to drop off to people in Kitchener. That’s more why we’re going there than just the fact that people might not recognize me there though it is the closest big city to us.

We get the car loaded and I’m so well nervous even doing that. I mean there’s cutting through the yards and stuff going from my place to mary Jane’s there’s like cover and stuff but we’re out in the driveway and Mom’s calling me by name and she’s acting like all of this is like totally normal and stuff and I’m just sort of feeling between sort of elated by just being able to do it and feeling exposed.

Like I was talking about being able to just be me so freely in the house it’s like my reality went and shifted on an axis or something.

There’s a huge difference between living this in my head and it being real.

Am I complaining?

Honestly I don’t know.

Do I want to be Steven right now?

No, but the temptation to hide behind being him is really strong like a reflex.

We get in the car and we head over and pick up Mary Jane who’s looking really chipper now and I get out and let her take the front seat.

She looks at me. “You okay?”

“Yes, no…scared and excited.”

“It’s your guys’s car you should take shotgun.”

“Uhm…no thanks I think I’ll revel in the incognito of the back seat for now.”

“Steph…”

“M.J….Mom…this is a lot okay…?”

Mom nods and she gives me a tender smile. “We won’t push it and if you want to get out of there at any time you just say and we’ll head home.”

She holds my eyes with hers and I take a breath and I nod. “Okay…cool….I mean I have to do this sometime right?”

Mom nods. “That and we need to do this kind of fast right?”

“We do?” I look at her.

She looks at M.J. who looks at me. “I kind of told her your whole puberty gun to the head thing last night while you were in the tub.”

“Oh…” I look at Mom.

She looks at me. “The sooner we get the ball rolling on you being you the better this will look to the people who we have to talk to about getting you on these hormone blocker things and then on the real stuff to get you started right? I mean I read that if we can catch this stuff sooner than not then it’ll be a whole lot less hard on you in the long run.”

I smile at her really touched, seriously touched that she cares enough to really get it.

Mom reaches over and she hooks my pinkie with hers.

“You’re my daughter, and I’m going to do everything to try and make all that misery and darkness just be part of the past honey.”

I swallow a big lump. “Mom…I…I…I never thought, never even dreamed that it’d be like this.”

“Me neither kiddo but if we step up and we take control of it maybe we can stay ahead of a lot of the rough stuff that’ll come with it.”

I nod a little dry mouthed. “I hope so too.”

I get in the back and M.J. takes shotgun and we only make a stop at Starbucks for coffee and I get to actually have a latte without the whole guybodeness of it and yeah while it’s not my first choice some times for coffee when it comes to latte and stuff like that Tim’s uses that powdered stuff.

And it’s like sixty percent non-dairy coffee whitener powder and I can feel it make an oil slick in my mouth.

Yick.

We head out and Mom turns the radio over to M.J. who plugs in her I-pod into the thingy in the stereo and we head off down the highway and we’re singing along with her newest song stuff like *Pocket Full of Sunshine.* By Natasha Bedingfield and *We’ve got the Beat* By The Go-Go’s which pleases Mom a lot and other songs like that.

We stop off at some gallery place in the back once we hit Kitchener/Waterloo and she’s talking to a guy that sort of reminds me of that guy that was like friends with like Eddie Murphy that ran that gallery in that Beverly Hills Cop movie.

So flaming acting.

Yeah I can’t say that he’s gay but I’d lay money on it and hey that’s fine but there’s a huge difference between how he’s acting and me.

No I’m not saying that all gays are like that either but the contrast just kind of sticks out to me this morning and all.

Then we’re off to go shopping.

We actually stop at a cute little thrift store place not one of the Salvation Army ones but…this May court place that’s nearly new. It’s sort of like a bit like the Salvation Army and stuff but we’re only there long enough to browse and long enough for mom and me to pick out a nice cute purse/handbag.

It’s this sort of deep red faux leather with a nice broad strap and the button over flap and it doesn’t look to be like overly dated and the red is kind of like a sort of brick meets lipstick shape and really good for fall.

And just so I look okay I get a brown Root’s wear hoody there too for like seven dollars.

No really I just bought a top to match sort of my purse.

And it’s so kind of this makes sense moment.

I mean I would’ve gotten something that went with what I was wearing but everything else was denim or it was like an old lady bag. And I’m not saying like Mom old but like old lady, old lady looking stuff.

But even some of those were pretty in a really retro kind of way.

Then Mom slips me a wad of cash.

Blink, blink.

“Mom?”

“Missed Christmas and birthday presents. I’m still going to buy you stuff that you need but you deserve to be able to buy some things that are strictly for you, for Stephanie.”

I look at the money. “But…this is a lot of money Mom.”

“It’s five hundred dollars kiddo it’s a really big amount of money but I meant what I said and it’s going to be the vast bulk of your Christmas presents this year too.”

I nod. “Okay…okay gotcha…Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“I can do whatever I want though with this right?”

“Yes….” She’s giving me the parental eye as she’s saying it.

I turn and look at Mary Jane and I give her half. She’s just staring at me. “Steph…no I can’t.”

“Yes you can, please…I know you guys are running things tight and stuff and if we’d actually been girlfriends all of my life we would’ve shared this stuff all the time any ways so please…”

“But…but it’s you’re money, it’s you Christmas presents.”

“You’re my best friend; you are the best present I’ve ever gotten M.J.”

“Stephanie…..!” She cries and I cry and we glomph on each other and we get that bad we have to stop and go back in the store to use their bathroom and fix our make-up.

Crying in public and not getting shit for it, being this close with my best friend and doing this and not having the sky come falling down on me is.

Well it’s past awesome and when we get back out and ready to go I see Mom looking at me with this look like the kind that Dad gave Steven.

But it’s the that’s my girl look.

It feels so damned good and really so big…I mean this is kind of this first thing that I’ve done that is all me and that made her look at me like that.

I smile and take a breath getting into the car and I feel a little bit stronger inside for it.