Masks Chapter 14

*Before…

“Mom…this…this is really cool.”

“Well there were some things that if you were going to do this Steph that a girl just needs.”

I nod kind of still stunned and right on the edge of happy tears but I’m trying to hold it in because I’m only playing at being me right now and stuff.

I want to tell them…but with stuff that happened already tonight with my brothers…but this, this is actually pretty cool.

Mom hugs me anyways. “Hey…there are clothes too, to get you started.”

“What clothes where!”

*And Now…

Mom laughs and she points. “Over by your closet. You’d think that you were a little excited at the mention of clothes.”

Ow…ow…teenaged girl must fight the weepy side.

But the squishy side of the force is strong right now.

Oh ow Mom…you’re more awesome than you know.

And the thing is that I can’t…I just can’t freak out right now.

….the power of this battle station pales in the comparison of the coolness of these super cute boots.

No seriously there’s these awe…some calf high leather boots with a chunky heel there that should fit me on the floor outside my closet on the floor.

Mary Jane looks at me and it’s this secret thumbs up look. I can feel she’s excited too.

I go to the closet and I open it and the boxes that Mom had at lunch are there and I open them up and there’s a lot of clothes in them all of them girls clothes.

“Mom?”

She’s smiling. “I had to seriously wash them but they’re mine. Some of them might be too big for you but there’s a lot of stuff that’ll fit or make do. I had these since college before I had your brother Mark.

I put on a wry smile. “College huh? You check all the pockets?” I lean over and sniff the boxes.

Mom turns beet red and Aunt Els is chuckling.

I know I’m not being very Steven but I’m running my hands over the boots. “These are nice why aren’t you wearing them anymore?”

“Age, they’ll fit my feet but not my calves.”

I sit on the floor and pull them on. They’re a bit loose on me. “I might have to wear these with them over my jeans.”

I try getting up and it’s a bit wobbly with the heels, it’s actually harder than getting up off my butt with skates. Mom and Aunt Els take an arm and pull me up and I’m grinning.

“Oh whoa I’m so tall.”

Mom grins. “We usually don’t put on heels like that on the floor honey, try some steps.”

I walk around my room and it’s touchstone level stuff really, good leather gripping my calves, the height and the angle and the sound that my feet are making.

You ever see a girl wearing something you almost ache to be able to wear? Boots these are real boots not clunks that guys wear.

It’s like my heart’s getting to make pixie steps.

I can feel the heels thing in my calves and thighs right up to the way they make my butt feel as I move. Walking is easier than I thought it would be just getting up was hard.

“So… what do you think?”

I bite my lower lip since the foods killed off my lipstick. “I had no idea what wearing a pair of quality boots would feel like. These are so much better than the way you feel wearing a pair of hiking boots or work boots.”

“Yeah there’s nothing like a great pair of boots kiddo, rough on the feet though after a few hours.”

“You’re really not supposed to wear these for that long mom.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah like heels period they’re about the look and the feel not the function.”

She’s looking at me and I’m blushing. Maybe I took this a little far?

But Mom’s nodding. “That’s so true that’s why I wear sneakers a lot too. But when you want that femme-in-style feeling then we got to deal. Though a wedge is a lot easier to wear for longer though especially in a good boot.”

I’m nodding but inside I’m just soaking this in.

Girl talk, real girl talk about stuff that matters to us.

Oh the ones that are all hyper about girls being sexualized and stuff they talk a good game but really there’s a lot about our own sense of selves in things that make us feel pretty and attractive. I can’t deny how important that is to me.

When you’re on the outside looking in, when you’re denied all of that you’re like a flower in this dark dry place.

Starved.

“Steph?” Mom…Mom calling my name.

I blink. “Uhm yeah sorry just thinking.”

“About what honey?”

“Being a girl, what it means and stuff.”

“And?”

I look at her. “I need to know more really.” Then I kind of shyly shrug.

Part of me really want’s to come clean with her, with Dad.

“Well there’s one good way to get deeply into it honey.”

“Really?”

“Let’s see what fits right? Outfits and looks are pretty important with girls kiddo it’s the first thing we say about ourselves in a day to other people.”

“I…uhm…okay.”

I swear she’s smiling so much it hurts me a little.

God Mom I really do wish I was your little girl…born your little girl.

We dig out the boxes and Mom sends us down to the kitchen for girl supplies. I make a pot of tea that mom wanted with orange peel and dried strawberries and some cream and some of Mom’s pumpkin stuff and back up to my room and Mom’s got a bottle that she and Aunt Els is adding to their tea while M.J. and I have our and we are starting to listen to some of music off the computer.

There’s skirts and lots of them and while Mom was very hippy until she had Mark some don’t fit me but fit Mary Jane better and that’s awesome. I mean the one thing that’s as cool as finding something cute that fits you is when it doesn’t but fits your friend.

It as much fun helping play dress up as it is playing dress up.

There’s sweaters and tee-shirts and there’s a small fortune in those, vintage tee’s are really in from what I’ve read online.

Changing though…It’s scary and not at the same time.

I mean it’s mostly me and M.J. but seeing M.J.’s body makes me shy and ache to look like that and then there’s the fact of my biology…and getting down to my bra and panties is nerve wracking and scary.

Then Aunt Els starts trying on stuff too and she strips off her top and is only in her bra.

Oh holy…I wish I looked like that.

Mom’s like…. “Elsbeth!”

Aunt Els grins. “What Nancy? They’re boobs, they’re not that scary and we’re all girls here and the girls are sort of uncomfortable.”

That’s true for me but M.J.?

Actually looking at her yes. She’s so put together that I forget that she never asked for this at all. She’s blushing from her mom getting topless and herself being tagged as being uncomfortable too.

“But…..okay yeah you’re right and (She looks at us.) you girls need to learn that obsessing about stuff like body image.”

She’s including me in that?

It’s only sexual in the fact we’re sort of embracing that whole girls and women thing and Aunt Els is even that brave that she is powerfully unapologetic about the fact that she’s not a teenager or a young twenty something and still she’s just amazing.

I want that too, like her and Mom.

They’re both so powerful in being the women they are and I love this.

Of course Aunt Els joins in the whole getting changed and trying things on and she score a couple of the shirts that won’t fit me or Mary Jane and we’re talking about the clothes and changing up how they look and what can be paired with what and looking I the mirror and even striking the odd pose or two just being silly.

No, I know everyday girls don’t do this everyday or even close to it but it’s something that we do actually do.

The entire time is Stephanie and Her and all the right pronouns. It’s actually later than we all thought by the time the first yawn happens.

We sort of pack up the stuff from the kitchen and we head downstairs and there’s hugs and stuff and M.J. and I hook pinkies and there’s part of me that does this shaky sigh as we close the door.

I’m home alone in girl mode with my parents.

Gulp….

Mom hugs me suddenly really, really tightly. “Oh thank you so much for doing this with Mary Jane honey! And for me, gosh I haven’t really just had a night like this since Elsbeth took sick a couple years back and had to stay over.”

God I hated her leaving but Aunt Elsbeth had been working in a nursing home and got hit when they had something called Norwalk run through the place.

I was alone for real that week.

I hug here back and take a deep breath.

“Can I wear my hair to bed?”

“Sure just let me show you how to wear it so you don’t end up fighting with it.”

“Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“You really had a good time?”

“I did.”

“I did too, I mean this whole thing isn’t bad y’know.”

“I know honey, I’m a girl and there’s nothing wrong with being a girl.”

“Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“You know that you’re really beautiful right?”

She looks at me and she blushes and we hug again and head upstairs and Mark’s in the kitchen as late as it is on his phone but talking quietly on it and there’s a smile there on his face that’s different than the others I’ve seen.

If it is one of those girls that’d be awesome and there’s part of me that does this girl-sigh just at the romantic thoughts of it all.

We get back to my room and I stop and just take it all in. They didn’t change much like I said but the color change of the lighting and the bed sheets is just.

“Mom? Are you sure you guys are good with this and that it’s not me going overboard?”

“It’s a good idea Steph, this’ll get you prepared for the contest plus you’ll get to live part time in someone else’s boots and it’ll be good for your brothers to have a sister. They need to get exposed up close to a girl.”

“Mom…you’re a girl.”

We sit at MY vanity desk and she’s showing me with her hair how to pin it up to avoid the tangles as we talk.

“I’m their mom I almost don’t count.”

“They’re going to be Butt’s about it aren’t they?”

“Likely but we can kick that out of them. Heck we need to, just think of the pain we’ll be saving their future girlfriends.”

“Yick…Mom I don’t even want to think about those two dating.”

She laughs. “Me either some Steph, I’ll need a gas mask for the cologne if they get as bad as Mark with the stuff.”

I giggle. “I know right what’s the point of taking her someplace to eat if all she can taste is Axe body spray.”

She and I both laugh. “They come by it naturally, it’s genetic.”

“Really, Dad doesn’t gag you.”

“No but my Dad did, he had this stuff called Hi-Karate…it was concentrated disco.”

“Ewww…”

She nods and then we’re done and she helps me put my things away in my closet and how to hang them up. We don’t say a whole lot but we’re just sort of having one of those don’t need to moments.

Once we’re done I set my clock and then get my make-up bag to go to the bathroom and take the rest of my make-up off.

Mom gives me another hug. I like hugs, and Stephanie is getting more of them than Steven does. I sigh into it…hugs are important. Hugs keep you from flying apart sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I’m flying apart all the time.

She lets me go and gives me this smile that’s sad, sweet…just kind of different. “I’ll see You after school Steph.”

Yes she stressed You…like me…not Steven.

Yay?

I’m not sure just what to think about that?

I clean my face and brush my teeth and slip into bed. Ohhh…softer sheets, nice thread count and the smell. They just smell nice, like baby powder and dryer sheets. I leave my light on…I want to be able to see all of this whenever I open my eyes tonight…it means that much.