(aka Bike) Part 1895 by Angharad Copyright © 2012 Angharad
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I spoke to Simon about the conversation I had with Melanie Russell’s mother. He wasn’t impressed or worried. “She sounds like a bag of wind.”
“Yes, but I don’t want Mima getting a reputation for being aggressive, because she isn’t.”
The kitten came thundering into my study and hid under my desk. Mima came in a moment later looking very red faced and breathing hard. “Whewe’s dat cat, I’m gonna stwangwe her?”
“You were saying?” Simon said struggling to keep a straight face.
“What’s the prob, Meems?”
“She ate one of my wowipops.” At this Simon had to look away and I could see his body shaking with laughter.
“She ate your lollipop?”
“Yes, stupid cat.”
“How did that happen?”
“I was eatin’ it an’ I put it down an’ she wan off with it.”
“Did you see her actually do it?”
“Not weawwy.”
“Ahem,” Simon cleared his throat and pointed to Mima’s back. I got her to turn round and there, sticking to her dress was her missing lollipop. I glanced back at him and he was barely able to stand up let alone anything else.
With some difficulty, I pulled the offending piece of confectionary off her clothing gave it back to her and told her to wash it under the tap before she ate any more of it. I also suggested she look more carefully before casting aspersions. As soon as she turned to go out the door Bramble, scrambled out from under my desk and shot down the hallway before her, she followed calling, “Bwambew,” by this time Simon was practically rolling on the floor with laughter.
Finally taking control of himself, his face wet with tears, he said, “You couldn’t make it up could you?”
“It would probably take me about nineteen hundred goes, but otherwise no.”
“Nineteen hundred? Where did that come from?”
“It follows eighteen hundred.”
He shook his head, “You take everything so literally don’t you?”
“No.”
“You’d argue black was white wouldn’t you?”
“No, I’d argue that black is an absence of colour and white was every colour together.”
“Oh clever dick, you know when I was at school we had a physics teacher say that so we got some of every colour paint we could find and mixed them all, know what?”
“It didn’t come out white?”
“Have I told you this before?”
“No, I just had a feeling it was going to come out looking like–um–shit.”
“Yeah, a sort of purplish black shit.”
“What did he say to that?”
“He told us it only applies to light wavelengths and stuck us in detention when Des asked him what happened with heavy wavelengths–this? He pointed to the bucket.”
“Funny, I was thinking of Des, earlier.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Pud tried to clean the chimney.”
“Why would that make you think of Des?”
“He’s her dad.”
“’Course he is. I must be tired. I’m going to have a hot bath and a cold beer.”
“Okay, darling. Oh darling, what are we going to do about the Russells?”
“What the Duke of Bedford and his kin?”
“No, Melanie’s parents.”
“Nothing unless they do something first.”
“But they threatened to sue us.”
“Let ’em try. The last Russell to try it was one of the Dukes of Bedford back in eighteen something or other and he lost as well.”
“Your ancestors got sued by the Duke of Bedford.”
“Not quite, Earl of Stanebury was threatened with a lawsuit and he challenged the Duke to trial by combat.”
“He did what?”
“Weren’t you listening?”
“Yes, I thought I’d misheard you.”
“Anyway, the Earl was a better fencer and shot than Bedford, so they dropped the case.”
“What was it all about?”
“The Earl cheated at cards–he was notorious for it and Bedford reckoned he’d caught him–he probably had.”
“But he was too frightened to go for combat?”
“Yes, he lived to tell the tale, the Earl got caught again a while later and this time on his challenge Sir Archibald Slewett, a retired colonel of the Buffs, accepted the challenge and shot him.”
“Did he kill him?”
“No, but he lost his right arm, the pistol ball took most of his shoulder off according to the legend, so he couldn’t deal at cards quite so easily and his cheating stopped.”
“I don’t think my ancestors did anything very much? Oh there were some cattle rustlers on my Scottish side because two of them were hanged in Carlisle for it in seventeen something or other.”
“Ho ho they were Border Reivers?”
“Yeah that sort of thing, though weren’t they earlier than that?”
“Mainly, before James VI took over the English throne.”
“As James I.”
“Yep, though he was still James VI of Scotland, remember the Act of Union only goes back to 1706-7 depending upon which country you’re looking at, the English were first and then the Scots, if I remember correctly.”
“Your Scottish history is better than mine,” I confessed to my spouse.
“Well, I lived it every summer when we went up to Stanebury for the summer hols, when it rained–like most of the time–I had loads of time to read and I liked history; I still do.”
“So do I, but I prefer the ancient sort.”
“Well, we’ve got quite an archive at the castle in the library.”
“What–it’s not on line?”
“Ha bloody ha, d’you know how much that would cost, plus we’d have everyone my ancestors cheated out of their estates trying to sue us.”
“I’m glad I didn’t live then, life was very hard for women.” Except in those days I’d not have been able to change my life like now. I’d have been a boy and probably ended up being shoved in a monastery somewhere to get me out of my father’s sight.
“I’ll bet, childbirth was a killer.”
“Not something which would have applied to me.”
“Cathy, I’m sure that somehow your body got mixed messages during development in the womb–exposure to oestrogens and all that.”
“I doubt it, I’m just androgen insensitive for the most part, but not enough to have had a female like foetal development.”
“Explain?” asked Simon.
“Basically, when I was born, I was clearly male so some effect of testosterone must have happened or I’d have been born with indeterminate genitalia and I wasn’t, however, I didn’t have a male puberty because my body ignored the hormones it was producing or changed them into oestrogen.”
“So you were producing oestrogen instead of testosterone?”
“In small quantities, which meant I grew up looking quite girlish with narrow waist and wider hips than the average boy. Then when I took the oestrogen, my body had its puberty and I grew even more girlish.”
“No, you grew even more beautiful. Why can’t you face it, you were never a boy and you were never meant to be a boy.”
“I try to, I really do. I guess I should be thankful for the way things worked out in the end.”
“I am.”
“You’re what?” I was a bit confused by this time.
“I’m extremely glad my little raver–I mean reiver–turned out to be the most beautiful woman I know.” He caught hold of me and pulled me into him and kissed me.
“Mmm, so am I.”
Comments
Another interesting chapter ...
and history lesson. Simon's full of surprises.
Still lovin' it Ang.
XXX
Bevs.
That darned cat
and Meems sure did give everybody a good laugh.
May Your Light Forever Shine
Too Funny
Totally hilarious (before the boring history part). Thanks so much for the laugh on a Monday night.
It took exactly 1895 goes to
It took exactly 1895 goes to come up with it!
Thanks as always, Ang.
And a scratch behind the ears for Bonzi and Izzy.
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
I keep trying...
I keep trying, but I can't seem to write as many comments as you've written episodes... Guess that puts me at no more than 400 or 500 comments. *sighs* And the story worth so many more.
One of the more interesting bits about my ancestors - is the one who was arrested in Salem as a Warlock... Luckily, the craze and trials ended before he was convicted.
Won't talk about my MacGregor ancestors... They were apparently not to effective as far as the politics were concerned - though much better at the fighting side of things. And, somehow, the clan's still around, despite a few hundred years being prescribed. LOL
Thanks for the interesting bit with Mima... I've seen others lose things (like glasses on top of the head, or a credit card in the hand that can't be found) but I'll not go into them here.
Thanks,
Annette
Self condemning thoughts
Cathy seems to have a rather persistent streak of self doubt. This is inexplicable and not acceptable at all. At some point we need to clear the decks and begin to enjoy life a bit.
I was speaking about things today with a certain other BCTS author who lives in Wales, and it caused me to remember my recieving a properly administered therapeudic bit of corporal punishment. I was trying to be wild and wanton at the time, but did not seem to have the chutzpah to carry it out. Sad really. Hmmmm. Well I finally did encounter a man who was just as misguided as I because he was buck naked! He offered to give me a "properly administered spanking" and I accepted. I must say that the next day, I wakened in the morning giggling quite insanely, but very happy. This went on about two weeks. It was extremely pleasant to sit down on a hard chair and feel that slight pain, which caused me to remember... The following giggle was almost as pleasant as my first morning's wakening following the "properly administered corporal punishment".
I was never able to find anyone to do that again, and have felt quite sad about it from time to time.
Cathy, on the other hand could teach Simon to do it and I am sure he would be quite pleased.
:)
Gwendolyn
Hard to teach a child
not to jump to conclusions. (hope Meems rinsed off the lollipop but somehow I doubt it) Add a hearty LOL to the comments section!
Surely everyone
has done it, You know when you were little and stood outside with a fistful of sweeties in your tiny little hand and then to your horror you dropped one .... A quick look around.... Good, Mummy isn't looking, You bend down pick up the sweetie and after a cursory look at your little treat pop it into your mouth... Not something i would ever do now... But i certainly did when i was knee high to a grasshopper :-)
Kirri
That's why...
That's why there's a five (5) second rule... The germs and dirt have a rule they're not allowed to "jump on" a sweet for five seconds... This lets you get it up before they pile on... :-)
Annette
Ah, the day before my second birthday!
Somehow Dec. 18 was missed, or I would have posted this there.
It was the first day I took true HRT. Up to that time I had been taking Spiro as a precursor, and because its second function was that of a blood pressure medicine. When I lost most of my weight a lot of negative health consequences went with it. I really need to loose it again.
Still enjoying Bike, and still doing the marathon read.