Absinthe, Opium and Honor…

I was never ever normal, I never felt normal and I think that most people feel that right? I’m from Toronto and I’ve gotten out of there. I got out of high school this Summer and I got accepted to the University of British Columbia. In truth I had to get out of there, Mom and I don’t get along and neither do me and my sister. Both of them are those real city girls. They want to be treated with respect but they don’t do a damned thing to earn it.

Honestly they make me want to hate them. Catherine, or Kate or Kat depending on who she’s smoozing is that girl. Upper middle class, good looking enough to be popular, we had enough money….(grr) to stay at the head of the trends. Too cool to be a cheerleader, she was very popular in school because…because she was Kate and that’s the way it just was and the way it should be.

You went to school with girls like her. Dated the college guys in high school, analyzed everything about a guy. Hair cut, clothes, shoes, watch, car and the brands and names he wore.

So yeah, I kinda hated her guts.
Mom was just like her and then some.

Dad died when I was thirteen, massive heart attack but he was a lawyer and had good insurance and had set up for us to be taken care of. Mom and Kate and I had stipends care of set up trust funds. The mortgage was taken care of, but a lot what was left they spent. And they spent their trusts they got lawyers and took a penalty on the money to get their hands on all of it as much as they could. They blew through theirs as fast as they could and were always bent on getting mine. When I wouldn’t sign off on it they didn’t really have much of a use for me.

It wasn’t a lot, but it was. Fifty dollars a week can get a teenager into a lot of trouble. I was heading into that for awhile getting into the wrong crowd until it hit me that my best way out and away from my family such as it was would be to get a scholarship and get as far away from them as possible.

Truth is I’m as scared as much as I’m relieved. I’m really packing, packing everything I can take with me of mine that has the least bit of importance to me. I’m going to be living off campus through an ad in the online version of the Vancouver Sun. I ended up calling the guy who’s an older guy who needs someone to take care of the property. It’s an apartment on the property that used to be an old garage, the pictures looked good though.

I take stuff of dad’s too. His tools that he barely used but he still wanted to do things with his hands. His old clothes, My sister pitched a bit of a token fix but her and mom realizing that trying to sell his stuff would be more work than they were prepared to deal with.

Mom did give me his motorcycle. She did love dad and she said that he always wanted to go on a road trip with me. My sister got his car and before I was packed into the moving van she had it sold…she sold a mint rebuilt ‘55 Pontiac with suicide back doors for twenty three thousand dollars. I know Dad had put more into that rebuilding it.

Getting out of Toronto in a large rental moving van was the hardest part of the trip west. I left at the start of the summer as soon as I was ready.

Mr. Robinson’s place was kind of nice but it was also kind of a dump too. It was a big three story house with a big yard in the front and the back all really overgrown. The lawn was mowed but that was all. There was a lot of neglect here, peeling paint, stuff needing fixed or replaced.

He came out to meet me and he was a big guy, in his fifties and well built. He said he got the place to have somewhere here in Vancouver because he traveled a lot and he wanted someone to look after the place. He was a surveyor and did request work only now but he was still a busy guy. I guess I turned out to be alright because he showed me the apartment overtop of the garage and helped me move my stuff out of the truck and into the bottom floor. He said he’d cut me some slack on the rent in exchange for me working at taking care of the place. I said sure. Hey, I’m a new student and needed the money.

It took about a week to get my things sorted and to start with the yard work that seemed an endless cycle of clipping and raking and hauling things to the composter.

Classes soon started after that and I was taking mostly art courses, literally. I know it’s lame to a lot of people but I was a bit of a geek, into comics and graphic novels and erotica even especially some of the mixed gender stuff. It called to me, I even surfed a few of those TG sites but mostly as a lurker, even glanced at some of those TG porn sites and really kind of felt lost, like some kind of freak, pervert and alone.

I guess that’s why I fell back into partying again and getting into the wrong crowd. I guess I wanted to feel all tough guy, all hyper masculine and stuff and I hooked up with a couple of girls but left them for the next fuck that came along. In truth I kinda started to become a douche bag.

Steve and Danny and Chris were my running buddies and we partied together and we were really hammered one night when Steve takes us to teach some faggot he heard of a lesson.

The house was close to where I lived and was one of those two story rambling houses with a walled brick courtyard and a wooden door in place of the gate. We boosted each other over the ten foot wall and in a drunken fit of idiocy we trashed the place. It was a hell of a nice place decorated like it was right out or the orient.

That’s when things all went to hell, or heaven…it was when things changed….
She came out of nowhere and took all four of us on using kung fu or something and I remember getting thrown a few times and the sound of breaking bones and the cries of the guys and seeing them running away. Then I remember her foot under my chin, knocking me silly.

***
I woke up and I was tied up. I was naked and tied up almost hog tied by this silken black rope and I was inside on this hardwood floor. She was in a chair staring at me sipping something in a china tea cup.

Five seven, Chinese with long black hair and the biggest most lovely eyes I’ve ever seen. She was dressed in a Chinese dressing gown but under it I could see her perfect body encased erotically in dark green lingerie. She slid fluid-like to her feet and moved like sex itself to me and pulled my from my side to my knees and I could seen under her underpants the unmistakable shape of a cock and balls.

I ached, I got so turned on I ached.

I had only seen someone like her on porn ads but none of them were as breathtaking as she was. She gave off this look of sympathy and of control, of wantonness and this almost begging for it in a totally unspoken way but all tied together with this hard sexy control and…dominance.

She stared ay me and it was like those sultry sexy eyes were searching me, looking in my soul. It …this…the reality of what she was and the feelings that she seemed to get boiling inside of me…it…it… struck something inside of me. Broke this dam, I never knew was there and it was so deep and visceral that it was like she was shattering who I was with just the way she was looking at me.

I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her and she was pulling on that something in me just by staring at me for the longest time it seemed. “Look at me.” It was a begging plea, it was a whip crack command.

I looked at her and something broke inside me. She was like gravity to me and I was falling. I knew… “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…” I sobbed over and over my head sinking to the floor and nearly falling over again. She let out this sexy sigh.

“I was going to leave you outside like this for the police. But I couldn’t be that cruel. Why, why are you so sorry? You guys are never sorry unless you’re in serious shit.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I..I didn’t want them to know…I didn’t want to know!”

“Know what?….what was this bad secret huh?”

I cry for a few minutes, or a long time I don’t know which.

“You…I can’t get rid of these feelings…”

“You’re attracted to me?”

I nod…. I can’t help but still cry though, still ashamed. “I’m not gay….” I’m not really convincing even to myself.

“Gay’s just some stupid word, it’s not what you are, it‘s not who we are. Hey who we are sexually is just a part of ourselves. Can you tell me about it?”

I shake my head no. I can’t get it out. It’s like my feelings are tearing me apart and I’m actually thankful for the ropes holding me together. She pulls my head to her lower abdomen and holds my head there and I’m crying.

“ Oh fuck, I know that pain, It’s more than that isn’t it? More than being gay?”

I nod. After a few seconds I gasp/sniffle out. “I’ve always felt off and as soon as…as soon as I really seen someone like… you I just…I just knew.”

“That you’re like me yes?”

I wail, crying freaked out and scared more than I’ve ever been in my life. “God…oh god…oh fucking god…..! H..hh..how’d you know!”

She knelt and rubbed my back gently, sweetly. Then she lifted my face to look at her. God she’s so beautiful it hurts…It hurts so much. I’m aching to be like this…like her. Those eyes are full of compassion and there’s this sweetness in her smile. “I know because around seven years of so ago, I was you. I was going through the same thing.”

I nod. “I just know, I just…I want to be like you….I want to feel, the smooth skin, the lace and satin, I want to be beautiful…. Help me…Please Help Me.”

She reached down to my chin and guided my head up to look at her nails alone. She stared in my eyes for the longest time and I stared back lost. “You’ll do everything I say?”

I nod.

“You’ll clean up the damages?”

“Yes…anything…”

“You are going to school?”

“Yes, I take art at UBC.”

“You’ll have to keep up your marks, and any other obligations that you still have. If I’m going to teach you, train you and take you where I am in my life I don’t want you to dishonor me by throwing things that are important in life away for this. There’s a balance in all things. Do you understand me?”

“Yes….”

“Sasha, you will call me Sasha and you are?”

“Jamie, Jamie Blake.”

“Good…good, now we’ll see.”

Sasha reaches past her panties and pulls herself free of it. All those rumors of Orientals having little dicks are wrong or at least in this case they’re wrong. Thinner than a north American one I think but she’s a good hard nine inches long. She guides her cock you my mouth and my lips and runs the head over my lips a few times. I’m nervous and scared and still tied up. “Come Jamie, show me where you’re at, show me what you can do.”

She strokes my face, my neck with her long nails and the ropes have me in this grip and I’ve never been so horny in my life. I part my lips and push forward with my mouth and try and keep my teeth out of the way. Her nails and fingers slide through my hair and the breathy gasp takes me heart and soul into what I’m doing…what I’ve had wet dreams of doing and I suck on Sasha’s perfect cock. The first cock I’ve ever sucked and I try, I really try. I cum when she does and I’m not able to take all of it and some runs down my cheek and chin to my throat and body.

“Down…” she whispers and guides me until my forehead touches the floor. I feel her walk around me her fingertips tracing over my skin in patterns I can’t imagine fully but I swear can feel. I feel something slip into my hole, it’d something nozzle like and there’s a squirt of cold. Then I feel a finger slip into me…I’ve never had anything inside of me and this…I moan and gasp with the pain, the stretching of flesh. It changes into this friction that feels. It feels good in a way I don’t know, never felt and right on the edge of something else.
I feel her finger move inside of me until there’s this touch inside me. Electric but not…so good and…she presses that and rubs…the inhaling “Uuoooh…Oh!” wavery, whimpery higher pitched moan that comes out of me is like no sexy sound I’ve ever made as that buried part of me gets to take her first breath. There’s a few more of those breaths and that feeling getting stronger as one finger had become two.

I gasp and give out this breathy whine when Sasha takes her hand out of me. I feel her hands digging in and grabbing those silken ropes and the sudden firmness leaves me feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable and helpless in the best way possible. I feel Sasha position herself at my entrance, she rubs the rubber sheathed head in and around almost pushing it in, almost a dozen times rubbing.

“Please, please, please Sasha…Please fuck me…I need it…” I’m begging, I know I need it as much as I’m terrified of getting filled…

I feel Sasha push into me and guiding me with those handfuls of silk rope she send her cock into me right along the path to that spot inside of myself…I kind of tighten then just something gives inside of me letting her sink deeper than deep than deep until I scream out the loudest grisliest sound of pleasure and pain I’ve ever had.

And I don’t stop. I can’t stop as she’s in total control over me and My face is sideways on the hardwood and my chest on the floor too, my back bent backwards and my butt in the air held up by my knees as Sasha fucks me.

It’s not violent, it’s not. It’s sweet and fine and steady but she is in complete control of the sex and in a way of me as regular Jamie gets stripped away and there’s only this raw other me left screaming her heart out as she’s being reborn in these so pleasurable orgasms.

It’s over far, far too soon. I’m weak and spent and crying and panting and then I feel the cold steel of a knife sliding over my skin and Sasha cuts me free with an oriental dagger.

“Stand up Jamie.”

I shakily get to my feet, god my insides are still trembling from her taking me. I hurt and tingle from the ropes. Sasha stands all oriental fluid grace and running her hands over my body leaving gooseflesh. She takes one of my nipples into her mouth and those plump lips covered in that lip paint feels so…and her sucking in so insistent and then the tip of her tongue does things to my nipple and I shiver, choke out a whine as it feels so good…too good, she does the other one then kisses me, slipping me tongue in the most sensuous kiss I’ve ever had.

“Not bad…you have the real instincts Jamie, the temperament too but there’s so much you have to learn.”

She sinks to her knees staring at me the whole time, her lips never leaving contact with my body but those eyes, they’re screaming obey me and begging please let me at the same time. She takes my cock in her hand and she nuzzles it, like a pet, like her best friend then her eyes flicker back up to me and she’s hungry. I literally can’t stop the hard on she gives me. Then she smells it like a cigar, runs her smooth cheek over it until I reach her lips. She licks her lips then goes down in one clean gesture but her lips create this seal around me but her tongue cradles the underside of my cock and I feel every inch of her taste buds under me.

She rubs her nose against my pubic bone and she closes her throat around me and bobs her neck but…but…her tongue moves counterpoint to her throat and then she pulls backwards and sucks on me like a straw and crying I fall and she helps me back to the ground never stopping sucking the cum from my body…I swear there’s no spurts just one long continuing stream of orgasm.

Sasha pulls up and away from me. “You’re clothes are in the bathroom over there Jamie. You’re going to fix all the damages and keep your school work up, I want to see a B average. I’m giving you a week, a week to really think about if my life, if being like me is really what you want.” She gestures at a doorway.

“It’s …” she puts her hand over my mouth and gives me this kind and honest look. It changes her, it changes her so much. Like a switch from this sexy goddess to this sweet soulful and vulnerable but strong too.

“A week Jamie, promise me a week.”

“Okay, I promise…”

She walks away from me into another part of her house swaying and once more this almost dream of sensuality.

Chapter 2

I left Sasha’s house and walked home stiffly, strangely…I hurt all over sort of still from being tied up and walking only reminded me of Sasha having taken me. God it felt so good, it felt so right to be held like that and to get fucked hard but gently and irresistibly.

I’m aching for more and hard by the time I get home. I crawled into my bed and curled up pulling my pillow against me and crying. I’m not sure what I was crying for, that this just happened to me and I hated it and was ashamed or that I loved it and was ashamed.

Sleep came fitfully to me and twice vivid dreams of Sasha taking me washed through me and making me reach down and stroke myself until I cried out in relief.

The rest of the week went poorly for me. I had a hard time concentrating in my classes. It was like this switch had been thrown in my head. Not a little switch either but a switch like the breaker in your fuse box. I watched the girls around me in this sort of aching jealous fantasy and daydreamed about what if.

What if I were them.

I spent I don’t know how many hours thinking. Soul searching over this and whether or not this was what I wanted.

I went to the university library and looked up tons of stuff on human sexual behavior, to look up things about why?

My dad died when I was young, my mother and sisters were manipulative bitches of the first order. Does that mean I have daddy issues? Do I think that being this…being like Sasha was part of that? I’m not sure even now…then.

I looked at website after website and there were things that turned me on and there were things that really turned me off. It was becoming oddly clear though, I didn’t want to be a girl, not fully…I wanted to actually be a she-male, a lady boi, seductive, seduced, beautiful but both…The more I watched and read the more it became certain.

The more I dreamed of Sasha and of being like her.

Horny? Like you wouldn’t believe. I masturbated every day, several times a day but it was the third day I sort of broke down and went looking in some of the adult toy stores and spent too much on some gels and lubes, soothers and a very realistic looking dildo with a suction cup base. Humiliated god yes. I was so nervous and scared and out of place buying all of these things. I don’t even remember the clerk of what they looked like I was so nervous and scared and kept my head down the entire time.

It didn’t help me that night when I start having my fantasies and lubing up and kneeling at the foot of my bed I sank myself down on the dildo painfully at first still so unused to being opened up but I slowly sand down on it and waited and breathed hanging onto the foot of my bed until I grew used to the feeling of hard stiff fullness inside as my body reacted to the invasion… waiting until it felt right and I moved slowly at first and in ten fifteen minutes I was bouncing on it, up and down off of my calves until I came hands moving to hang onto the bedposts and crying out….. “Sasha…..”

Did I want to be like her?

God yes, I wanted it, needed it and I’m sure It’s been that one thing that’s eluded me and kept me from being happy in my life. Lying in bed afterwards sweaty, but feeling this deeply satisfied flush like nothing I’d know before this. I fall asleep to beautiful and vivid dreams.

I new I was in pain, I knew it but I thought it was just y’know growing up stuff. Losing Dad and just sort of faking that whole fitting in thing…But this, this was like Sasha showed me the wound. I don’t want to be wounded, hurting, broken anymore.

There was a large part of me sort of soothed by that and it helped me through the parts of the week when I wasn’t in class or obsessing over who I was inside and wanting to be like.

My social life was talking class notes in the halls or the café on campus I’d go home rather than party and I’d study and write but also lose myself in the yard work a bit.

It didn’t take long really for the week to pass. I went home and showered and took one of my boxes of tools to Sasha’s house and I knocked on the doors. Oh god I was nervous.

Sasha opened the doors and my heart had stopped. She was dressed in this simple aerobics gear. Hair loose and she still looked perfect and smelled so good, Opium perfume my favorite…most guys stuff like that’d never register much less stick with. But I’m not really like them am I?

“Jamie, please come in. I’ve been wondering if you’d show.”

“I said I’d come back and fix the damages.”

“You did, but that’s not why I was wondering.”

“I know.” My mouths gone dry.

“Well come in, I just got through working out, we can have tea.” She gave me this inviting, earnest smile and she turned and swayed into her house. Everything about her made me ache and feel just, turned on, hot but also so uncomfortable in who I am. I could feel the me I thought I was. Thought I had to be sticking to me like layers of heavy disgusting clay. I walked into her home and followed her to the kitchen admiring the décor of far east mixture with tasteful Native American art and some middle eastern art as well.

Her kitchen is as nice as the rest of her house and she goes about making tea with a great looking antique kettle as she takes out this jar of green powdered tea. I watch her heat and pour and whisk away with this little bamboo whisk. I can’t help but to sit on a stool at the kitchen island and marvel at her so intense beauty, how exotic she is and the fluid simple grace.

I wasn’t aware of the tears until she gently reached over and wiped those tears away from my cheeks. There’s this look I’ve never gotten from anyone before there in her eyes. Understanding, warmth, care.

“You’ve thought about this then?”

“I…I…I don’t think I’ve thought of much else…”

“Your classes?.”

“No, those are good, I like what I’m taking, even like the campus.”

“Yeah I liked UBC here when I went.”

“You have your degree?”

“Bachelor’s of Science degree in anthropology.”

“That sounds interesting.”

“It was messed up for me. I wasn’t myself then so it was going to be when I got out of school a marine biology degree as an excuse to surf. Then I had my realization and ended up thinking that I had to switch to psychology but that never sat well with me putting people in classifications and little boxes. I turned to anthropology where you really study people.”

“Kind of makes my art classes seem lame.”

“Art’s a vital thing to any culture Jamie, it reflects the world around us, shows us beauty and sometimes truth even if we don’t like the truth it shows us.”

“I..I noticed you’ve got a lot of nice pieces here.”

“I collect, but just things that touch me, and them there’s the art that pertains to my people.”

“I don’t mean to be insulting but that’s…? I…I…can’t tell.”

“Well that’s my thing. Uhm ethnically I’m Métis-Native and Chinese in decent but I’m a fifth generation Canadian. But… Culturally…I’m Mahu.”

“Mahu?”

“It’s from the natives of French Polynesia, it’s the term they use for those who are part of what I call the third gender. Some call us She-male, or Reirei or lot’s of other terms but culturally we show up all over the world.”

“Like ladyboi’s?”

“That’s Thai and that’s not the same exactly. I and others like me live as women, love being female, we identify with women and there are parts of being female we need to have as part of us. But I’m not a transsexual, I’m not transgendered. I’m happy just as I am now.”

I sip the tea, it’s good but so strange. Good I think, I’ve only ever had that green tea they have in stores, you know the mass market stuff. The thing is, I’m getting settled in talking like this. I sort of feel like that. I want to be like Sasha, silky, beautiful, and yet I can honestly say I want that but to lose my equipment below…no thanks…It’s like really…It’s like coming home to a place where someone actually speaks your language.

With the tea there’s an uncoiling of some knot inside me.

“I think that’s exactly the way that I feel only I’ve never had words for it before.”

“Good, but are you really sure Jamie, it’s not a easy thing that you’d be choosing just look what happened here with my house last week.” Her gaze over her tea cup is direct and yet filled with so many honest emotions. I lower my head.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life Sasha.”

“Well then we should get started.”

“How?”

“Movement and sensuality is first.” she takes aside our cups. “Come with me.”

“But the repairs?”

“We’ll get to those now come with me.”

I follow her and we go upstairs to this elegant bedroom, like English Victorian but if it was from when they were in Hong Kong. “This is beautiful, how to you afford it all?”

“Sex.”

“You’re a…”

“I’m a courtesan, not an escort or a hooker but a courtesan and I get paid very well for being that. I’m a lot like a North American Geisha. But without all the finely honed pomp and such. Here get undressed.” We’ve stopped in her bathroom.

I nervously undress. I’m very aroused, she smiles and walks to me and takes my hard on in her hand…stroke me gently with silken fingers. “Well first things are first.” She kisses me then her lips trail down my body stopping only to suckle my breasts and she then goes down on me with that unbelievable skill she has with her mouth and lips, tongue and throat as she treats it like the best treat she’s ever wanted and yet she’s in total control too.

Her eyes show me wanton begging need and this you are mine forcefulness all at the same time. I don’t last long, I’m crying out her name and soon she’s standing again gliding to her feet and smiling.

I’m going to pass over her teaching me how to clean myself out. Then a bath with me applying this very subtle cream that numbs my skin and remove all of my body hairs. She paints this on my face a few different times.

“What is this stuff?”

“It’s a Chinese herbal extract it acts like Nair but it’s diluted and a lot less hard on your skin. I use it because you can do your face with it in layers taking hairs away a bit at a time.”

“Is it permanent?”

“No. But it lasts a long time about three months. But we’ll work with the lasers to take care of them as we go.”

“Okay….”

It’s soak and let it work then Sasha makes us a drink, this funky green misty looking stuff that tastes very strange. I’ve got a light but strange buzz by the time I’m done mine. “What was that?”

“Absinthe.”

“Isn’t that?”

She nods, smiling a little wickedly. “Yes it is, but it’s very good in moderation.”

After that it’s washing my hair, and having her doing that feels so good. She uses things I though were only for girls and then it’s moisturizing and learning how. It feels so good having her touch me, show me how to do these things and smelling nice, with silky skin and soft hair I feel a lot more free than ever before.

A touch of make up just some on my lips, and around my eyes but with my hair it looks…right.

It looks even more right as she sinks lubed fingers into me while I’m in front of the mirror and fingers me until I’m loosened enough for her to sink into me…I groan, it hurts still a little in this good way but watching her as beautiful as she is and me looking like I’m supposed to and watch myself, getting taken and the look on my own face, in my own eyes as I see, as I’m confronted by the real Jamie Blake.

Then there’s more lovemaking on her bed. Sasha pinning me to the bed, me crying out with these little femmy cries as she turns me out and makes me submit. After I rest she get’s us another “Green-Faerie.” and She shows me how to clean myself up after that.

Then there’s a thing, It’s what they call a butt plug and after some lubing again she sinks it into me. It hurt for a bit then. Faded to this, just this feeling of fullness and strange hardness.

“This will help you walk, you’ll be very aware of your movements and the swivel of how you will move. You’ll take it out and get it clean every time you need to use the bathroom and will keep it inside you all the time until I tell you not to.”

“Uhm…Okay.”

I squirm a little and feel it. Then comes the corset. I know what it is and after a nice slip, top goes on it comes next. It’s hard to breathe and to move. Panties are next then just some normal clothes.

“I thought there’d be more frills? Y’know more cross dressing?”

“Jamie, you’re not really a boy, so it’s not cross dressing it’s just dressing. Besides you’ve got work to do.”

“Oh..” With everything I had forgotten.

The rest of my night was actually that, being girled out or just…me? And as it is she’s correcting me on my movements and I’m getting used to the corset and I’m trying to get used to the plug, my body can’t though, it doesn’t hurt but It’s like I have to sway inside around it?

She puts on some music, and she makes a pizza dough just brushed with pesto and garlic and arugula a shallot diced up then shaved fresh parmesan over it and with a few more drinks she instructs me in eating like a girl, careful with manners and without someone to yell at me or to say something rude It’s second nature to me. Just the way I’d naturally do it I guess.

I’ve still more work to do but it’s late. “I think that’s enough for tonight Jamie. It’s the weekend and I have clients so I will see you Monday for supper, everyday during the week.”

“You need to start to look at buying more clothes or saving for them and I’ll help you shop. The first thing you need are more corsets, then we’ll work on the rest. It’s a good start Jamie….You’re going to be more lovely than you know honey, I can already see you in there under all of this.”

She kisses me and it’s not on the cheek either and she closes the door. I’m in a really almost stunned, surreal, but good place in my head as I walk home and lock up and wash off my make up and fall into bed spooning one of my pillows, feeling…Feeling like I’m free and happy for the first time in so long. I can still smell her perfume on my body taking me away.

There’s a few happy tears as I drop away into a deep, deep, sleep. The best in ages.