Part 47

Journal Entry: August 7th

Happy Anniversary!

It’s been an entire year since I first started writing in this journal. Actually, the anniversary was five days ago, but at the time I was getting my nose fixed and didn’t have access to my computer.

When I made my last entry here I had been thinking that I might stop writing in here altogether, but since the kidnapping, Amanda suggested that this would be a good tool for me to use to help get everything back into perspective.

What? You didn’t hear? Yes, I was kidnapped and it turns out, I wasn’t the first one my kidnapper did this to.

See, it all started when I stopped some bullies from picking on this mentally handicapped guy named Luther. He took a liking to me and told his mother, who in turn kidnapped me. Now I really don’t want to get into too much detail here. I already spent hours talking to the FBI and the police about what happened and I’d just as soon forget about it.

Anyway, after they grabbed me, Luther’s mother then started to torture me daily, trying to get me to think that my name was Lily and that she was my mom and that Luther and I were to get married.

I know, totally wack, but she almost succeeded. Another couple of weeks and she might have. I even occasionally hear the name ‘Lily’ called out and I answer to it. It’s all in my head but it just goes to show you how close things came.

She did succeed with another kid though. It turns out that Luther wasn’t her son. When Luther, really John Michael Keefe, was ten years old, he was kidnapped by this mad woman and she did to him what she was trying to do to me.

John was a very bright and happy ten-year-old when he disappeared, and not at all mentally disabled. May that woman burn in hell for what she did to him and what she tried to do to me. I hope that John has finally found peace, the poor guy.

So as a result of all that woman did, I got pretty messed up: both mentally and physically. On the physical side I ended up with two broken ribs that are healing nicely at this point, although I do have to be careful how I move. My cheek, the bone around my eye and my nose also got broken.

Now the cheek and eye bone (I can’t remember what it’s called) didn’t need any work and are healing okay, but the nose was broken in a couple of places and needed a bunch of work.

I had a good nose doctor and Mom had forwarded to him those good head shots that Phillip took of me, and the doctor thinks he got me close to how I was before. We’ll see. I still have the nose taped up and I also still look like a raccoon with a puffy face.

To add to the breakage, I got some nerve damage to the right side of my face. It is getting better so we are all keeping our fingers crossed hoping that feeling will be totally restored.

I mentioned that I look a bit like a raccoon. Both of my eyes are black and blue from having my face all busted up. Now guess who else has joined the raccoon club? My Mom. You see, one of the mental things I’m dealing with is nightmares. Big ol’ nasty nightmares, too. Mom came to me during one and I ended up clocking her a good one before I woke up. I didn’t break it but I sure gave her a bloody nose and two lovely black eyes.

When I woke up after having my nose job, I saw Mom sitting at my side sporting her new eye look. I said something like, ‘Gee, Mom, don’t you think you’re taking this show of support just a tad too far?’ That got us both laughing a bit. I really do feel bad but somehow that brought us even closer together.

The nightmares are a result of what Amanda calls my PTSD: it stands for post traumatic stress disorder. That’s the same thing that happens to soldiers sometimes when they go through war. Anyway, it isn’t something that’s going to be fixed real soon. Another symptom of all of this is that I really can’t stand to be held anymore. Oh, a quick hug that I know is coming isn’t too bad, but take me by surprise or let the hug go on too long and I really begin to freak out–I just want to crawl out of my skin to get away.

I really need to get this whole ‘can’t stand to be touched’ thing fixed. First I like, or at least I used to like getting hugs, and second, when I see Robbyn again I would really like to cuddle with her. I really could use a good cuddle.

Yeah, haven’t seen Robbyn yet. She and her folks went back home and when I talked to her right before my operation, I told her that she couldn’t come out.

She really didn’t like that answer but I just can’t let her see me like this. Not only do I look awful, and I do look really, really bad, but I need to get my head on straight. I need to get to the point that I’m not such a basket case. Robbyn deserves better than what I am right now. So, we plan to get together over winter break. Either I’ll fly back there or she’ll fly out here. We’ll see.

So that’s about all the news that’s fit to print–at least for now.

Later, alligator.

End Journal Entry

Closing the lid of my brand new laptop, I stand and begin to take off my clothes. It’s time for my daily dose of vitamin D. Since coming home, I can’t seem to get enough of the sun, probably because I spent July locked in that basement.

Before putting my suit on, I give my body a good, critical look. Although still painfully thin, I’m not quite as bad as I was. I’m now up to 101 pounds and gaining. Hopefully I’ll be back to how fit I was before too long. That won’t happen until I can start exercising again, though. Damned ribs, I wish they’d hurry up and heal already.

My color is improving, and the bruising on my face is a bunch better, as is the swelling. There’s still a ways to go but I’m definitely getting better.

Brushing my hair back, I give it a closer look. Thank god for that beautician at the hospital. Having my hair colored back to black did wonders for my psyche, not to mention just hiding that awful yellow color. The styling that could be done was rather limited, so I now sport a cute pixie cut. I’m slowly getting used to the look and I suppose it isn’t too bad. It sure is easier to take care of, that’s for sure.

Gads I’m skinny. Shaking my head at myself, I pull on my suit, grab my towel and head on downstairs.

In the kitchen, Bill and Mark are fixing something to eat: nothing unusual there.

“Hey, guys. Is that lunch or just a continuation of breakfast?”

“Oh, we’ve already had lunch,” says Mark.

“Yeah,” says Bill. “This is just a snack.”

“Jiminy, I thought I ate a lot. You two on the other hand, are going to eat us into the poor house.”

They just smile at me in reply.

“Is Ellen or Mom back yet?”

“Nope,” they both say in unison.

“Okay then, you two, one of you pick out the short straw to see who gets to put lotion on my back and meet me by the pool. I still can’t do it.”

At this point, the doorbell rings and we immediately hear Dad’s voice call out, “I got it.”

I find that I’m again holding my breath. Damn, that happens every time that doorbell rings.

Dad comes into the kitchen carrying an express envelope. Seeing my expression, he says, “I told you honey that we can have that bell changed out.”

“I’ve got to get used to it sometime, and I can’t very well have the entire world ban that particular doorbell sound, now can I?”

“I suppose not, but I don’t like how that upsets you.”

“I don’t either, but I am getting better and until I am, I don’t plan on answering the door.”

“Okay, honey, here, this is for you.”

“Thanks, hey it’s from PJ.”

Ripping open the envelope, I start reading the note that PJ sent.

“Holy crap!”

“Alex?”

“Sorry, Dad.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, PJ sent the activity tracking log for my commercial airings and the July accounting. There were six-hundred and sixty airings last month.”

“That’s great, honey.”

I’ll say, at seventy-five dollars per airing that’s almost fifty thousand dollars for just one month. That doesn’t count PJ’s commission, but still. Wow. Hey, look at this, it went national. That explains a lot.”

“That’s great, honey. I thought you knew it went national.”

“Dad, I haven’t even seen it yet, I had absolutely no idea. Say, did we ever get a copy of the full commercial?”

“I think so, we’ll check with your mother when she gets home. Maybe we can watch it tonight.”

“You bet we will. This is so cool.”

“Say, sis,” asks Mark, “now that you’re rich you can hire me full-time to put the lotion on your back.”

“Hey,” says Bill, “that’s not fair. Tell you what, sis, whatever Mark charges, I’ll charge you minus a dollar.”

“Well, Mark?” I say to him. “Can you do better?”

“Yeah, two dollars less than Bill.”

“Great, you’re both hired.”

“So how much are you paying us?” asks Bill.

“Nothing. Since you both undercut each other’s lowest price it ran the cost down to zero. Unless you two want to pay me, that is.”

Both boys just stand there with their mouths hanging open, and Dad starts to chuckle.

“Looks like she got you both.” Then he heads back to his office.

“You two can still take turns. Mark, I believe you were up.” I hand him the bottle of sun lotion and head out to the patio.

* * *

“Amanda, I know that the better my support structure is, the better chance I have in fully recovering. I’m getting wonderful support from everyone. Mom or Dad is always nearby. Ellen and the twins have been super-understanding and helpful. Everyone is helping me through this, but for now, I just don’t think that Robbyn should come out. It wouldn’t be fair to her.

“I freak out at night, I can’t stand to be held, and I look like something a buzzard would turn its nose up at. Like I said, it wouldn’t be fair.”

“So she doesn’t understand all of this, I take it.”

“That’s not it. It’s just that, well…I’m damaged goods now. Who would want a mess like me?”

Amanda hands me a fresh box of tissue as I resume my crying.

“Damn, it hurts when I cry.”

“It’s all part of the healing process, Alex. Hopefully that nose of yours will finish healing soon so it won’t be quite so painful. Now, as to Robbyn, do you really think she’s that shallow? That she really doesn’t love you?”

“She’s not, and yes I know she loves me. It’s just, it’s just…”

“You’re scared.”

“No, I’m petrified. I know here in my head that she loves me and how I look and how I’m acting now won’t matter, but emotionally I can’t seem to make that connection.”

“I think you need to see her.”

“Yeah, me too. I’m trying, really. We’ll see, I promise, I’ll talk about it with Mom and Robbyn tonight.”

“Okay, we’ll leave it until our next appointment, but I really want you to make the effort. Now then, tell me how you’re sleeping.”

“When? It’s really weird, I mean at night I sleep like crap, sorry, I sleep really badly. I have the nightmares and I just can’t seem to settle down and rest. The weird thing is when I’m out getting some sun, I’ll nod right off. I won’t have any nightmares and I can actually get some rest. Don’t ask me why.”

“You know me better than that, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Why can you sleep when you’re sunning yourself, and not at night?”

“Crap, sorry. Because I’m so screwed up?”

At Amanda’s glare, I amend, “Sorry. Well, I’m not sure. I think maybe that at night things are so quiet and it’s really dark. It reminds me, even in my sleep of the basement. When I’m outside during the day, the sun is shining, there’s all the daytime noise and I have the warmth of the sun on me. Does that make any sense?”

“It makes very good sense. Have you tried sleeping with the light on, and maybe the radio too?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t work very well. Amanda, I’m just so tired of feeling like a victim. I feel like I have no control over who and what I am. Damn that woman.”

After another crying jag and another forty-five minutes of discussion, my session with Amanda comes to a close.

Dad stands up when we go back out to the waiting room.

Giving me a hug he asks, “You doing all right, honey?”

“Fine, Dad. Rough, but fine.”

“Hello, Robert,” says Amanda. “We’ll want to see her again on Friday. I think we’ll continue twice a week for a bit, and then maybe we can cut back to once a week.”

“Thank you, Amanda.”

“Yeah, thanks, Amanda,” I say.

“See you again on Friday, Alex. Call me before then if you need anything.”

“Bye, Amanda.”

After setting up my next appointment, Dad and I head back home.

* * *

Back in the car heading home, I’m picking at my nail polish and thinking about what Amanda and I talked about.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I’m being silly?”

“In what way, honey?”

“You know, about not wanting Robbyn to come out until I’m all better.”

“I wouldn’t call it silly. You went through an awful lot and it’s understandable that you feel the way you do. So I wouldn’t say you’re being silly. I would say that you aren’t being very fair to Robbyn. I think the two of you have something special and it can certainly survive this. If it can’t survive then wouldn’t you want to know? She wouldn’t be the friend you thought if this drove her away. I really don’t see that happening and I really do think that that having her out here for a visit would help you out.”

I spend the rest of the trip home thinking about this. Why do things have to be so damned difficult?

As we pull up to the house, I take a deep breath and ask, “Dad, I think I’d like Robbyn to come out if that’s okay. Is it?”

With a smile he says, “Oh, I think that can be arranged.”

Smiling, I give him a hug as soon as the car is stopped.

“Thank you, Dad, thank you so much. I’m going to call her right now.”

Once inside I head straight to the phone and call Robbyn. My call goes straight to her voicemail so she’s either on the line or her phone is turned off.

I leave her a message to call me and then I call her house phone. Crap. I get voicemail again. It’s okay, I’ll talk to her at some point tonight and we’ll make the arrangements.

Hanging up the phone, I run upstairs to put on my bathing suit. Thank goodness for long summer days.

Once back downstairs, I grab one of my water bottles and fill it with iced tea then head out to the pool.

Ellen and the twins are out there. Ellen is sunning herself and the twins look to be trying to see who can drown the other first.

“Hey, Ellen.”

“Hey, how’d your session go?”

“Not too bad I guess. They’re kinda rough; especially when I cry and believe me I do a ton of crying. Right now the hardest part about crying is I really can’t blow my nose very hard. It’s been a week since the operation and things are much better but it still hurts and I’m afraid that I’ll end up opening things up inside.”

“Oh, kiddo, I’m sorry. Hopefully things will get better for you soon.”

“Yeah, I sure hope so. Can you do my back for me? I still can’t get my arms back there without tweaking my ribs.”

“Sure, flip over.”

“One of the things Amanda and I talked about was me not wanting Robbyn out here. I’ve been really thinking about it and I decided that I really would like her to come, so I talked to Dad and he said okay. Isn’t that cool?”

When I don’t get a response from Ellen, I turn and look at her over my shoulder.

“Ellen, don’t you think that’d be nice?”

“What? Oh yeah, that will be great.”

“What’s wrong, I thought you liked Robbyn.”

“Sorry, Alex, I got distracted. I do like Robbyn, very much so. I was just noticing that every time I rub the lotion on your back your muscles start twitching.”

“Yeah, it’s real annoying. I think I might be getting better though, well maybe anyway.”

“It’s so weird.”

“Okay, quit playing and finish up.”

“Sorry.”

Ellen finishes up and gives me a pat on my butt.

“There ya go.”

“Thanks. Say, Ellen, I haven’t seen you go out with Jack since I got back. Did you two split up or something?”

“Oh no, we’re still together. I’ve just wanted to be here with you and he hasn’t wanted to impose.”

“That’s not fair. You don’t have to babysit me. Either Mom or Dad are always here. You shouldn’t have to put your life on hold because of me.”

“Hey, you’re my sister and I love you. Jack understands that this isn’t permanent; just until you get better.”

“As messed up as I am, it could be permanent. Don’t glare at me, I’m kidding, well mostly that is. I’m keeping as positive an outlook as I can but I also realize that it could be years before I’m fully better if at all. I take it that’s why Mark and Bill haven’t had friends over or gone out, too.”

“Well, yeah. We all want to be here with you. You have to understand, we all thought that you were dead. We kept hoping that you were still alive but after you were missing for so long, we were told that the chances that you were still alive were very slim. Our sticking around the house keeps reminding us that you really are back with us. It isn’t just for you: it’s for us as well.”

“Hmm, okay then. Don’t think I don’t appreciate it, ’cause I really do. Now will you tell me something?”

“Sure, what do you want to know?”

With a smile I ask, “Just how serious are you and Jack? Last time I saw the two of you together, you looked real serious. Are we going to hear wedding bells anytime soon?”

“Oh no. Well, not yet anyway. We both need to finish up our schooling and get our careers going. But yeah, it is getting serious. He’s a really nice guy and we click on so many levels. I feel, oh I don’t know, right with him. Does that make sense?”

“Perfect sense.”

“So let me ask you something. Are you just into girls, or are boys on your radar, too?”

Blushing a bit I say, “Right now, I’m just into Robbyn. Oh that didn’t come out right at all,” and I blush even further. Ellen starts to giggle.

“Ellen, stop. God, you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I guess when I think about it…hmmm, I’m not sure. I mean there’s something very special with Robbyn and I can’t put it into words very well. It goes deeper than sex, not that the sex isn’t real fun,” I say, blushing even more.

“When it comes to women, yeah I’m attracted to them, but as for guys, I just don’t know. I’ve never really socially interacted with any before. Thinking about being with a guy doesn’t turn me on, but then again the thought doesn’t turn me off either. I guess it would depend on the guy. Now I’m going to go get some more iced tea, would you like some?”

“Sure, I’ll take some.”

I grab my iced tea bottle and head into the kitchen. Once there I grab the phone and start scrolling through the directory as I fix the tea.

“Ah ha! There it is.” I mumble to myself. I press ‘call’ and wait for it to go through.

“Hello?”

Oh crap, it’s Brandon.

“Ah, yes. Is Jack there please?”

“Yes he is. May I tell him who’s calling?”

Crap, crap, crap.

“Um, yeah. Just tell him it’s a friend of Ellen Conners if you would.”

“Okay, just a minute and I’ll get him.”

I idly bite my fingernail as I wait. I really need to stop doing that.

“Hello? This is Jack.”

“Hi, Jack, it’s Alex, Ellen’s sister.”

“Alex! This is a surprise. I can’t tell you how happy we are that you’re now safely back home.”

“Thanks, Jack, I appreciate that. Listen, could you do me a favor?”

“Anything, what do you need?”

“I need you to come over and take Ellen out for a movie, or dinner or just hang out here by the pool with us. I love that you guys are making all this family time for me but as special as you are to Ellen, that makes you family too and you should be here. Okay?”

“Alex, that’s very nice of you but you should spend the time with your family.”

“Jack, I am and it’s great but I don’t need everyone here with me twenty-four hours a day and what really helps is being around people, especially people who I care about. So will you come on over? It’d mean a lot to me.”

“Sure, I’ll come over.”

“Great and if you two don’t want to go out, then be sure to bring your trunks. The water’s fine and Dad’s doing burgers on the grill for dinner.”

“In that case I’d better hurry.”

Laughing I say, “Thanks, I appreciate this, really I do.”

After hanging up the phone and feeling inordinately proud of myself, I grab our iced teas and go back outside.