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Part 14

Journal Entry: April 1^st

Going to be a quick entry today. It’s been almost a week since I wrote here. I’ve been crazy busy trying to get all my schoolwork finished but that’s not the best news, guess what? I told Ellen. No, this is not an April fool’s joke. God, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Ellen is going to help me figure out the best way to tell Mom and Dad.

Now I know that Robbyn and Ellen both didn’t freak out on me when they found out but I still can’t but feel scared that Mom and Dad will, oh I don’t know, I guess I’m worried that once they find out they won’t love me anymore.

Ellen says that I’m being silly, there’s no way that they’ll stop loving me. I agree intellectually, but I can’t seem to get my emotions to go along with my head. Anyway, Ellen says she might have an idea for us to try.

Wish us luck.

End Journal Entry

* * *

The next morning I awake to a minor earthquake happening. Normally that would be of some concern, especially here in California; this earthquake however, is accompanied by the loud yells of my two idiot brothers. That’s not really fair to them, they aren’t idiots–well not most of the time–but I swear they sound like a large herd of wildebeest charging across the Serengeti. That’s when they’re just walking, get them running and poorly-made buildings are in serious danger of collapse.

I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. Thank goodness I have a bath all to myself now. Showering is fun as someone flushes the toilet–twice. The last time happens just before I’m going to rinse the shampoo out of my hair–ouch.

Wrapping up in my big, soft terry robe, I go back to my room to dress for my morning run. Even though afterwards my chest hurts, I still try to get in a daily course of Parkour. It really seems to help clear my mind of troubles, at least temporally. Today I’m going to try those abandoned buildings down the road.

I’m surprised to see Ellen sitting on my bed when I get back.

“Hey, Ellen, what’s up?”

“Well first, unless you want to talk to Mom and Dad sooner rather than later, you shouldn’t leave this laying around,” she says, holding up the chemise she had given me.

“Oh man, I completely spaced that this morning. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. The main reason I’m here though, is to give you this.”

She hands me a small bag.

“What is it?”

“Go ahead and look.”

Opening the bag, I pull out some grey fabric.

“It’s a sports bra. You said that your chest hurts when you run. It’s probably because things are moving around so much. This should help and it will be a lot better than trying to bind them with that ace bandage.”

“Thanks, but a bra? I don’t know, sis.”

“Come on, it will help and no one needs to know you’re wearing it.”

I can tell that Ellen really is trying to make things easier for me and I’m really grateful.

Suddenly crying, I wrap my arms around her. “Thank you so much, Ellen, you’re the best sister anyone could ever have.”

“Hey, why the tears?”

“I don’t know. I find that my emotions are going all over the place lately, and for no apparent reason, either.

“Thanks again, sis, I’ll let you know how well it works.”

“Sure thing, kiddo. Have a good run.”

Taking my chemise, she says, “Oh, I’ll take this downstairs and wash it with some of my stuff. You don’t want Mom to wonder why you have lingerie drying in your bathroom.”

“Thanks, sis.”

That morning sees one of the best runs I’ve had in a long time. The sports bra really does work well, and as much as it compresses things, with my small tank top and baggy t-shirt it looks like my secret is going to remain secret, for a bit longer anyway.

I approach the abandoned office complex. Since this is going to be the first time running through here, I’m taking it kind of slow. I don’t want any surprises that could end up hurting me.

The layout looks good. I make my way up through an empty parking garage then across to the building next to it, then down a large drainpipe to the third floor and into a broken window. Next it’s across to the open elevator shaft and a quick slide down the cables to the second floor. Rounding the corner on the north side, I build up speed to make the leap through a window opening to the roof of the small building across the way. I tuck and roll then flip down to the loading dock next to it and off for the fence line.

Wow, this place has all sorts of possibilities! I can’t wait to do this one again.

A little more than two and a half hours later and I’m back home sweaty, dirty, and tired but feeling better than I have in a long time.

Walking in the door, Mom’s immediate response in seeing me is to say, “Oh my lord, what happened to you?”

“What do you mean?” Looking down, I check myself out.

“You’re filthy.”

“Oh that? I did my run through some old buildings and they’re kind of dirty.”

“Kind of? That’s an understatement. Go shower and get those dirty clothes in the wash.”

“No worries, Mom.”

“After you get that done, come see me, we need to talk.”

“Okay, Mom.” Now I am worried. Does she know?

* * *

Once again, I find my sister sitting on my bed when I come back from my shower.

“Hey, sis, what’s up?”

“Where is it?”

“What?”

“The bra. Mom grabbed your dirty clothes!”

“No problem.” I pull the sports bra from the pocket of my robe.

“Whew. I was worried there. Give it to me and I’ll put it in with my stuff.”

“Thanks, here.”

“Oh man, it’s all sweaty. Yuck.”

“Sorry, it was a long run. It really did help, though, thanks again: I really appreciate all of the help.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Here are two more sports bras. You really shouldn’t keep them compressed all of the time, though.”

“Yeah, but if I don’t, someone is sure to notice. By the way, do you know what Mom wants to see me about?”

“Not a clue.”

“I hope she doesn’t know.”

“Well if she does, it wasn’t from me. You really should tell her, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Well I’d better get dressed and see what she wants, then. Wish me luck.”

“You’ll be fine.”

Ellen leaves and I pull on a pair of jeans and one of the sports bras Ellen just gave me and a loose sweatshirt and go downstairs to find my Mom.

* * *

Nervously, I make my way to my Mom’s study.

“Mom, you wanted to see me?”

“Yes, honey, come on in. There are actually two things I wanted to talk to you about. First is your schoolwork. As soon as you’re done with your last workbook, we need to get all of them turned in. I want to get all of your paperwork together for high school as soon as possible. When we submit your work to the school, they will do a placement evaluation to determine what classes you will need.”

“Oh, okay. Do you think there will be any problems with the work I’ve done?”

“No, I really don’t. But if there are any issues, I want to deal with them sooner rather than just before school starts.”

“Okay, what else did you need me for?”

“Your running. I really don’t feel comfortable with you running through some deserted buildings. You could get hurt, or worse.”

“Mom! I’m perfectly safe. I don’t make dangerous jumps and I always scout my route before doing a run.”

“I know you do your best, but too much can happen in some of these places. You need to stay away from them.”

“’Snot fair! It’s about the only thing I enjoy doing and you’re taking it away from me,” I say with tears beginning to run down my face.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t run, I just don’t want you running in those dangerous places. End of story.”

“Fine. Anything else?”

“No, I’m sorry you’re upset. You can go if you want.”

I run from the room. It just isn’t fair!

I run out to our backyard to be alone.

Sitting in the back corner of the garden, wrapped in my thoughts, I don’t hear my sister come up until she speaks.

“Hey there. You okay?”

“Oh, you startled me. Yeah, I’m fine I guess.”

“Well if you’re so fine, then why all the tears?”

“Did you hear? Mom said I can’t do my Parkour through that industrial park down the road.”

“What? You’ve been running over there? Are you nuts?”

“What? Why?”

“Well for one thing, they’re going to be tearing it down soon to build a new set of homes, and for another, there have been some unsavory characters that hang down there. You’re lucky you haven’t gotten hurt.”

“Yeah, but where can I do my running now? That place was prime.”

“Tell you what, we’ll do some driving around and we’ll find a place. Deal?”

“Thanks, sis.”

“Great, now let’s go inside and I’ll buy you a soda.”

Grinning we go back inside and down to her studio.

Part 15

Ellen and I go inside and grab some drinks just as the twins come charging down the stairs in their scout uniforms. Dad yells out that he’s taking the boys off to their scout meeting and would be back in a bit.

I snag my last workbook so I can work on it while sis and I talk. I’m almost done, and then I can forget about schoolwork until the fall.

Downstairs, I curl up on the small couch and Ellen goes to her worktable to continue her work on the latest outfit she’s putting together.

Our conversation is kept limited as we both concentrate on our respective tasks. Finally, I complete the last problem and set my book down with a large sigh.

“Oh I’m so glad that’s finally over. So what are you making this time?”

“Right now I’m still working on that cocktail dress. This fall I start my senior year and they expect you to put together a diverse line of clothes. With any luck, I’ll be able to get my line into the Senior Fashion show. I’m trying to get ahead of the game by getting as large a variety together as possible. This way I can make sure the items I finally submit are top notch.”

“Well, I think your stuff looks great.”

“Thanks, kiddo, but I know that there’s still a lot of room for improvement. So, tell me, when are you going to talk to Mom and Dad?”

“About what?”

“About what, about your little but growing problem, ya knucklehead.”

“Oh, that?”

“Yes that. Well? When are you going to talk to them?”

“Damn it I don’t know. This whole thing is driving me crazy. I’m so confused and I’m really, really scared of what Mom and Dad are going to say when they find out.”

“Find out about what?” We both turn and there’s Mom.

“Mom!!”

* * *

“So when we find out about what?” Mom asks again.

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! “Ah, nothing?” was my weak reply.

“Come on, young man, it sounded like there was something that your father and I need to know about, so I suggest you start talking.”

“It’s okay, Alex; tell mom, you know you need to. I’m here and will stay with you the whole time.”

“Ellen? Will someone please start?”

“Mom, this is something that Alex needs to tell you but I promised him that I would be with him the entire time for support.”

“Okay then, both of you, upstairs now. March.”

I am petrified. After making our way upstairs to the living room, I just collapse onto the couch.

I say, “Mom, there’s something you need to know, something about me.”

Ellen sits down next to me and holds my hand.

“Umm, you see, it’s like, well I know you and Dad have noticed that I’ve been acting different lately, well something is happening to me and I don’t know what it is, well I know what, I just don’t know why.” I start to cry. “It’s my body, I don’t know, I just don’t know what to do.”

I pull away from Ellen and I take off my shirt and the sports bra. Looking up and not being able to see anything thru the tears, I say, “I’m sorry Mom! I’m so sorry! Please don’t hate me!”

I collapse in a heap crying my heart out. The next thing I know, I am in my mother’s arms, being held and stroked.

“Shhh, baby. Oh, honey, I could never hate you. It’s okay, everything will be fine, you’ll see. Everything will be fine.”

Through exhaustion, I finally pass out, my head resting on my mother’s lap as she tells me that everything is going to be okay.

* * *

I’m not sure how long I am out. Slowly I start to come back to reality. I remember feeling warm and I realize that I’m wrapped up in a blanket, being held and with my hair being stroked gently. Gradually I remember what has happened and that Mom didn’t seem mad or upset at all. But what about Dad? Oh god, how is he going to react?

In a panic, I open my eyes and it isn’t my Mom holding me, it is Dad! His eyes are red and they have the tenderest look in them. Before I can do anything, he hugs me tightly and says, “I love you.”

Being all wrapped up in a blanket, I can’t hug him back, but I lean against him and say, “I love you too, Dad. Thank you.”

I must have been out of it for a couple of hours as it is now dark outside. Mom and Ellen come back in and turn on the lights. Dad helps me sit up. I keep the blanket wrapped around me as I have no shirt on and am just a bit self-conscious about how I look.

Ellen says, “Hey there, sleepyhead”

“Feeling better, honey?” asks Mom.

“Um, I’m not sure. I feel like a wet rag and I have a pounding headache.”

“This should help,” and Ellen hands me a large glass of sweet tea and some aspirin.

“Thanks.”

Dad asks, “How about us? Feel better that we’re not going to disown you now?”

“Yeah, I do. Guess I was being silly.”

“No, honey, you weren’t,” says Mom. “Your father and I have talked with Ellen and between what you said and what we’ve seen, you’ve had every right to be just a bit stressed out.”

“But your mother and I want you to know, and you really need to believe this, we love you very, very much, and there is nothing that will change that.”

“Really, Dad? Mom? You don’t hate me or think I’m a freak or anything?” I ask with tears in my eyes.

Mom quickly comes over and puts her arm around me on one side and Dad puts his arm around my other side.

“Really,” says Dad.

“We could never hate you, and you’re not a freak,” affirms Mom.

“Your mother’s right, we’ll love you no matter what. Now then, why don’t you run upstairs and freshen up and then we can try to figure out our next step.”

“Thanks, Dad, I’ll be right back down.”

When I come back downstairs, we all gather around the kitchen table. Thank goodness the twins are out on their scouting trip. I couldn’t deal with their ribbing right now–no matter how good-natured it might be.

Dad says, “Okay, first things first. Alex, are you feeling better now?”

“Yes, Dad, thanks.”

“Great. Now I think that we need to find out just what is happening to your body and why.”

Mom says, “That’s why I went ahead and called my doctor and set up an appointment. Fortunately there was a cancellation and we’ll be able to see her tomorrow morning.”

Dad says, “Well that’s the main thing. We won’t know what else to do until we know exactly what is happening to you. Your mother and I noticed the breast development, is there anything else we should know about?”

Feeling very embarrassed I say, “I’m not sure.”

Mom says, “Honey, we all know that this isn’t going to be easy for you, but all of us are here to help you in any way. If there is anything else, you need to tell us so we can do our best to help you. We’re not going to judge you or think badly of you. You are our child and we love you, honey.”

“Well, there might be something else.”

I just don’t know how to tell them about Robbyn and me pretending to be a girl and all.

Mom asks, “Is it about dressing up as a girl before we moved?”

Stunned I just sit there with my mouth open.

I must look pretty silly because Mom, Dad and Ellen all start to chuckle.

Mom asks, “What, you didn’t think we knew about that?”

“Well, no. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Dad says, “We knew you had to tell us in your own way. Quite frankly, that’s what we thought was bothering you. If we had any idea of the physical issues, we wouldn’t have waited.”

Mom adds, “Also, we knew that some of it really wasn’t your idea at first.”

“You did? How?”

“Well, you had that Sam boy–the twins were in scouts with–chasing after you. It was pretty obvious that he thought you were a girl and we got the twins to fess up and they told us all about the movie night you guys had and how they begged you to not tell Sam the truth.

“That was very nice for you to do that for your brothers, but it was hardly fair for Sam, don’t you think?

“Then there was your friend Robbyn. I got to be good friends with her mother and talked about what was going on that very first night you had dinner with them.”

“You did? She knew!?”

“Yes, she did.”

“Wow,” was the only thing I could say.

Mom continues, “You see, honey, Robbyn’s mother told me that even though Robbyn is upbeat and very outgoing and everyone seems to like her, she really doesn’t have any true friends. That is until the two of you got together.

“Did you know that you were the first friend she brought home to her house? It’s true.

“I think everyone wanted to keep things quiet to make sure that your friendship was allowed to grow.”

“Wow,” I say again. “I have got to call Robbyn. I’ve got to talk to her. But she’s on vacation until August! Why did they have to go out of the country this year?”

“You’ll have plenty of time to talk to her. She’ll be back to the States before you know it and you know she’ll call as soon as they return.”

Mom is right and that makes me feel better.

Dad says, “The important thing now is to get you all of the help we can. Your mother and I have talked a bit about this and we think you might benefit by talking to someone about what’s going on and your feelings.”

“You mean a shrink?”

“We mean a psychiatrist who specializes in gender disorders. Someone who can help you find your way through all of the emotion and feelings you are experiencing. For that matter, someone who can help all of us deal with this.

“This is something we haven’t dealt with before, either. I’m sure that all of us are going to need help of one sort or another.”

I look over at Ellen. She is smiling and she just nods her head. Tears are running down her face and then I realize that we all are crying. Then we all are hugging each other and I truly feel that if they let me go I would float to the ceiling–such a weight has been lifted from me.

Photo Credit: Ray Philson