Part 67

As Mom gently shakes my shoulder to wake me, I groan a bit and open my eyes. Before getting Bobby’s call last night I thought there wasn’t anything that could keep me awake. I was wrong, the excitement of hearing that I’d be opening for Marani kept me awake for some time. I now feel really tired from the little sleep I’ve had. But as the realization that not only is this my first day of shows but that I am going to open for one of them quickly energizes me and I hop out of bed and begin to get ready for the day.

At six-forty-five we leave the hotel to head over for my first show where we’ll meet up with Bobby. Mom chuckles as we enter the taxi.

“What’s so funny, Mom?”

“This town right now. It’s surreal. Normally the sight of a six-foot girl would cause some raised eyebrows or a head turn; here during fashion week it’s the norm not the exception. Seeing that group of girls in the lobby got me thinking of that and it just struck me as funny is all.”

Chuckling myself I reply, “I know what you mean. I sometimes feel like I’m in the land of giants and I’m a giant. Yesterday when we were about to do our final run through for Fendi, someone was standing on a chair to make some final adjustments to the clothes. It gave me the giggles seeing it.”

As we get closer to the site my anticipation grows. My thoughts are interrupted when we stop to be let out a block from the show as the street is closed ahead.

“Ready to run the gauntlet?” asks Mom with a smile.

The gauntlet is what Mom and I have termed the areas by the entrances to the fashion sites. They’re blanketed by reporters, photographers and the public looking to interview or take pictures of everyone associated with the show and that especially applies to the models.

“Who knew models had groupies?” I reply. “They want my picture and I’m nobody.”

“Well you’re obviously a model and you’re going to be a somebody so you better get used to it. It seems to be like this at all the shows.”

“Yeah I guess so. Well, see you on the inside.”

Mom gives my arm a squeeze and we give each other a smile then separate. Somehow Mom can get through without anyone batting an eye her way but I can’t. I’m always asked to stop for a few pictures at the least before I can escape inside. I don’t really mind, everyone is always real nice, sometimes rather insistent but nice. There’s quite a few who seem really pleased that I speak Italian and yesterday I surprised a couple of reporters by answering one in Italian and the other in French.

Once inside I’m quickly whisked off to hair and makeup. The chaos of the previous days is nothing compared to show day. The backstage area isn’t that large to begin with but when you include rows of makeup stands and stools, hordes of hairstylists and makeup artists, then add photographers, camera crews and reporters, then cover the floor with cables everywhere, I’m surprised that anything can get done. And despite a great deal of effort given to keep the aisles clear I’m truly amazed that someone hasn’t taken a fall. I’m sure it will happen but please lord don’t let it be me.

Ouch, ouch, ouch I say to myself as my hair is being brushed and pulled back into the ponytail I’ll be wearing for the show: a very tight pony tail and the hairstylist is none too gentle.

As soon as my hair is done, in swoop the makeup artist and two manicurists: one for my hands and since my shoes will be showing my toes, the other for them.

There are easily over a hundred people backstage and that doesn’t include the models. Despite the fans in the corners, the heat from all the bodies and the lights soon builds to uncomfortable levels.

It’s with some relief that I’m finally released from my chair and I can get up and walk around. As I make my way over to Mom and Bobby, it’s walk five feet, pause for a picture, walk, and pause again. It’s crazy.

As I finally reach them, Mom hands me a glass of juice with a straw in it.

“Bless you, Mom.”

With a smile, Mom asks “How are you doing, honey?”

“Great, this is so exciting.”

“Pace yourself, Alex,” Bobby says. “This is your first day and it’s a heavy one.”

“Oh I will.”

“Good. Now remember, as soon as you’re done here we need to run over to Rocco Barocco. There’s not going to be a lot of time so don’t dawdle. As soon as that show is done it’s off to Gucci. We’ll have a lunch ready for you but you’ll have to eat it on the go. As soon as Gucci is done it’s right back here for the No. 21 show. Like I said, you’re going to be busy and tomorrow will be even worse because those are your big shows: Fendi, D&G, Krizia and Prada. Not to say that today’s aren’t big because they are, but if you stand out tomorrow and get really noticed it could be huge for you.”

“Well so much for not being nervous.” I laugh at Bobby.

After a bit we hear, “final walkthrough” being shouted over the noise, “All non-essential people need to leave now.”

After a quick kiss towards Mom, I dash off to get in line, dodging bodies along the way.

We all line up in show order and since we’re doing two looks for this show, everyone is reminded of their number two spot. There have been some changes and it’s now that I learn that I’ll be closing the show as well.

Before I can fully register this change, the music starts and we’re doing the walk through.

Once we’re done we begin to change and get fully ready for the show to start and the realization that I’ve been chosen to both open and close the show kicks in and so do my nerves despite Marani’s kind words stating his confidence in me.

I’m wrapped in my thoughts waiting for the show to start, idly chatting with some of the other girls and trying my best to calm my nerves: I’m not really succeeding all that well.

Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the camera crews pointing their camera at me. The thought that I’m not only going to open but close the show scares me but it also makes me happy and I just have to smile. Just as we’re called to take our places I give the camera a little sidelong look and a half-wink then go to line up.

* * *

Collapsing into one of the chairs in the sitting area of our hotel room I kick off my boots and begin to rub my tired feet.

Bobby came up with us and chuckles when I start to moan.

Mom asks, “Feet hurt?”

“Not actually pain but definitely tired. I’m still getting used to being in heels all day and no laughing, Bobby, or I’ll make you wear a pair all day and see if you like it.”

“Oh no, I’m quite aware of how tiring it is by observation. I have a great deal of respect for all you girls being able to do it, but it’s part of the job. So how do you feel your first big day on the runway went?”

“Scary and fun, scary and exciting and did I mention it was scary? It was. It was great opening for Marani but I was so nervous I damned near froze before going out. I think Gucci was fun and hope I didn’t screw things up at No. 21 by telling Alessandro that I wouldn’t wear the outfit they wanted to switch me to without a bra. You don’t think I did do you?”

“No I don’t. Somehow he wasn’t aware that you have a ‘no nipple’ rule in your contract and most designers respect that.”

“I hope you’re right. I don’t want to screw things up by refusing but I’m just not comfortable revealing too much.”

“That and you’re still only fifteen and we don’t want that for you at this stage either,” adds Mom.

“Like I said,” says Bobby, “we’re very clear about that when you’re hired and most designers don’t have any issues with that so don’t worry. Now you need to get some sleep, it’s been a long day and it’s late. Remember that we need to be at the Fendi show by nine-thirty at the latest. I’ll be here to pick you up at eight so be ready.”

“Thanks, Bobby, I’ll be ready.”

“I’m going to walk Bobby down then take care of a couple of things, honey. Take your shower and get to bed, I’ll be up in a bit.”

“Okay, Mom. ’Nite, Bobby.”

I take a quick shower and get ready for bed. The enormity of what I’m doing hits me again and that starts to trigger other things. Feeling the need to talk it out and not really comfortable speaking about some things with Mom, I grab my phone and after some quick math to ensure the time is right I make my call.

“Hello, is Amanda there? This is Alex Connors.”

“…yes I’ll wait.”

“…hey, Amanda, it’s Alex. Did I catch you a good time?”

“…you sure?”

“…great. Well yeah it’s beginning to start up again.”

“…not too bad, but I didn’t want to wait, you know?”

“…well, I think maybe because everything is hitting at once. I’ve got four shows down and fifteen to go. Then it’s the whole self-confidence thing, I mean these girls are really beautiful and I have a hard time seeing myself as being in their league. There’s also my being an adrenaline junkie that we never really talked about but I think we need to. It’s not getting better and I’ve found myself taking some stupid chances, and I mean dumb ones I’d never do before. But right now I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and I don’t want to go back to the way things were, you know…after…”

At this point I just start shaking and crying which surprises me and it’s a few minutes before I can get myself back under control and can properly listen to Amanda. We talk for a bit and as always, Amanda is very good at putting things in perspective and giving me hope and a more positive outlook.

“…yeah, I know what you’re saying and I’m trying, really I am. It’s just sometimes it gets ahead of me is all. I just wish I could know what I know, you know?”

I start laughing with her.

“You know what I meant. Intellectually I know what you’re saying but for some reason, deep down I don’t believe it. I’m such a mess, how can you stand it?”

“…thanks, Amanda, me too. Okay, I should wrap this up and get to bed, busy, busy day tomorrow. I’ll call as soon as I get back.”

“…yes, I promise. Bye now.”

Hanging up the phone I first feel the relief from the easing of my troubles that I always feel after talking with Amanda. Then I feel exhausted. Looking at the clock I see it’s one in the morning. I look over at Mom’s bed and she’s asleep with a book on her lap and her headphones on. I never even heard her come back in.

Shaking her shoulder I say, “Hey, Mom, come on, let’s get into bed.”

Mom opens her eyes and reaching up and lightly touching my cheek she asks, “All done with your talk, baby? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Mom, just a brief bout of insecurities that Amanda helped me through. You hear?”

“Just enough to know who you were talking to, no specifics. I just grabbed my book and put the headphones on so I wouldn’t overhear.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Honey, is this too much for you? Are you moving too fast? You can stop at any time you know.”

“I know, Mom and it’s fine, really it is. It’s not so much the modelling or really anything specific, it’s…well it’s hard to explain. Things sometimes build up too fast for the thinking side of me to keep up on and then the non-thinking side of me freaks a bit and well, Amanda is really good at hitting the ‘pause’ button and getting me back on track. I just need to, oh I don’t know, think things through better. Understand?”

“Not completely, no.”

“Okay, well for instance one of the things getting to me is the newness of all of this, the knowledge that I really don’t know what I’m doing, heck I still can’t get too creative with my makeup, and I feel like I’m the only one like that. I know I’m not, but sometimes I feel that way and I forget that there are other girls just like me and even the big name models were in my position at one time. Amanda reminded me of that and I even told her about Jessica who’s in the D&G show tomorrow.”

“That girl from New Zealand?”

“Yup, that’s the one. This is her first fashion week, in fact the D&G show is her first show and she doesn’t have much more modelling experience back home than I do. I forgot about her and that there are others like that out there and, I don’t know, I guess I got a bit lost in the emotion for a while.”

“I’m glad Amanda helped but I mean it when I say you can stop at any time. I don’t want this to cause you problems, honey.”

“It won’t, in fact it helps. Sometimes it isn’t easy but it does help.”

“Okay then, in that case we better get to sleep, morning is going to come really early.”

“Okay, Mom, ’nite.”

“Love you, baby.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

We turn off the light and snuggle down in our beds. At some point in the night a nightmare starts to build but soon fades as I feel a comforting warmth wrap around me.

* * *

I wake up in the morning to a warm body against my back and Mom’s arm holding me close. I must have been reacting to the dream last night and Mom came and held me. It feels great being held by Mom and having her hold me in the night is the best way to chase the boggles away. Thank all the little gods that I can take being touched again, at least by those who matter.

As crazy as yesterday was and given when I finally fell asleep, I feel surprisingly energized. As I lie there Mom begins to stir then starts to get up.

Turning my head I smile up at her and say “Good morning, Mom.”

“Morning, sweetheart. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing great. I gather I woke you last night. Sorry about that but thanks for cuddling up with me, I ended up sleeping really well.”

“Well I was still awake and you were only a little restless but I took it as an excuse to cuddle with you.”

We both start to get ready and as I brush out my hair I say, “Sorry for the high drama last night. That anxiety attack took me by surprise.”

“Stop apologizing, honey. Now the mother in me needs to ask again, are you really sure you want to continue with this? You don’t have to you know.”

“Yes I’m sure and actually I do have to. Oh I know I’m not being forced, well actually I kinda am. You see…” and I pause to gather my thoughts and steady my emotions then continue, “you see, I can’t let her win, Mom. She hurt me so bad. The scars have faded and the body has healed but inside the wounds still seem fresh. She wanted me broken and she almost succeeded. I can’t let her win and doing this helps. This is so much of what she wanted to take from me. It’s just fortunate that it turns out that I really like doing this too. That’s not all of it, and I probably didn’t explain it all that well but…”

Wrapping me in a hug Mom stops me and says, “It’s okay, honey. I think I understand, a little bit at least. Thank you for sharing, I know it’s hard for you.”

“It’s not because I don’t…”

“Shhh, I know, honey, I know. Now then, let’s finish up here and go grab some breakfast. You’re going to have a very busy day today.”

Giving Mom a quick hug back I tell her I love her and then we head downstairs.

* * *

I’m still thinking about my little breakdown last night as we ride over to the Fendi show. I realize that my explanation to Mom wasn’t the best in the world and I’m trying to get it all straight in my own head. Just as we’re pulling up I finally realize, even though Amanda has been telling me all along, that I need to come to terms with who I am and to fully accept myself before I can really beat the ‘bitch’ or for that matter really succeed in this industry.

Feeling happy at this little victory I exit the car with a big smile on my face and a spring in my step.

* * *

The Fendi show goes great and I know just how lucky I am for getting into all the plum shows. As we all exit the runway Karl has a kind word for everyone. It’s hard to now feel the intimidation I had when first meeting him. True, he’s one of the top designers anywhere but he’s also really nice and a master at putting nervous models at ease. He didn’t do it with just me, I saw him do it with a number of others.

I finish up changing, grab my stuff and head out in search of Mom and Bobby. Karl stops me to say goodbye. We exchange cheek kisses, which I’m still not really used to, and I tell him how fun it was then I tell him a quick joke I overheard yesterday. With him chuckling I give him and the others nearby a quick wave and a smile then head outside. Seeing Mom by the back door, I head her way.

“So, whacha think? Nice show right? And look,” I say holding up the purse I was gifted, “they’re letting me have this. Wish I could also take home that leather dress I wore but this’ll do. Where’s Bobby?”

Mom laughs at me and says, “He’s out getting you a taxi. He mentioned that he needed to talk to me about something and that we’ll catch up with you at the D&G show.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, this is at least in part about your contract and the revisions we sent over to them. We’ll talk more about it when you have time this evening.”

As we talk we’re heading outside to find Bobby and my taxi. I’m running late because the show started late and I really don’t have any time to waste.

At the curb we find Bobby standing next to a large motorcycle.

“One of the motorcycle taxis, cool,” I say.

“It will get you there the fastest. Your mother and I will meet up with you after the D&G show but if for some reason we don’t, we’ll meet up at Krizia. I’ve hired this taxi for the afternoon so if we don’t meet up, look for him and he’ll take you to the next show.”

“Sounds good to me.” As I buckle the helmet on and get on the bike I say, “it’s a good thing I decided on slacks today and not the skirt.”

The driver gets on and starts up the bike. I settle my bag between us and with a wave to Mom and Bobby we’re off.

This really is the way to get around Milan. The ride is very smooth, I’m sitting up higher than the driver so my view is unobstructed and being a motorbike, we easily negotiate the narrow streets and frequent traffic jams.

We make it to the D&G site in record time and even though it’s around an hour and a half until the show is supposed to start, that really isn’t that much time. I just hope they have something to snack on, I’m starving.

After arranging with my driver where we’ll meet up after the show, I dash in to get ready.

* * *

The show goes great. The clothes are fun, I feel like I should be working in my quiet little garden in them or going to a Spring party. The runway was long and something slick got on it as several girls slipped. Thank god I wasn’t one of them.

After changing I look around and don’t see either Mom or Bobby so I head outside. They aren’t there either so I track down my driver and we head over to the Krizia location.

The Krizia show is probably my least favourite show so far: not because of the clothes, the designer or the other models but because for this show there’re only ten models and we have three looks to do. Once we step off the stage we’re at a dead run to change and get ready before we have to go back out.

Rehearsal last night was crazy because of the time crunch and if one little thing goes wrong it’ll mess things up but good.

Mom and Bobby aren’t at the venue yet but fortunately some food is. Most of what had been set out at the D&G show was gone by time I got there which meant I only got a few mouthfuls and a bottle of water to tide me over. I grab a yogurt and fix a plate of fruit then head over for hair and makeup.

The show goes well but not hitch free. I nearly kill myself changing between my second and third outfit and might end up with a nice bruise on my hip from a stumble into a table I took and another girl was damned near brought to tears when the zipper got stuck on her first outfit and they ended up cutting her out of it. All in all I suppose it could have been a lot worse.

After the show there’s still no sign of Mom or Bobby but as I’m putting on my boots a text comes in from Mom saying they’ll meet me after the Prada show and not to worry. Of course I immediately start to worry: just what is holding them up? Is there a problem with the contract?

Before I work myself into a tizzy over nothing, I calm down and tell myself that I’m doing really well and I’m sure Next hasn’t changed their mind about wanting to sign me…Have they?

With a final “stop it!” to myself I go off in search of my driver so we can go over to the Prada show. The thought of the Prada show brings a smile to my face. Not only is it one of the most coveted shows for a model to be in, but the clothes are fun and there’s the added bonus that Arizona Muse is both opening and closing the show and I’ll have a chance to hang with her a bit.

When I met her the other day I immediately liked her. She’s with Next as well and she struck me as being one of the most down-to-earth, nicest people I’ve ever met. She took some time to talk with me and help me get a bit of a perspective on what it’s like to be a model, and generally made me feel really at ease. She’s also incredibly gorgeous and if I’m being completely honest I have to admit to a bit of a crush on her.

I get to the site and what has become my new norm, I’m rushed immediately to hair and makeup. This show there’s quite a bit more to be done and as always there never seems to be enough time.

I say hello to the girls I’ve come to know as I rush past and smile at the others. I drop my bag off at the table where I’ll be worked on then I’m led on over to get my hair washed along with my face. While my hair is being cleaned of the products put in at the Krizia show I grab some makeup remover towelettes and start to take off my makeup.

The biggest piece of advice I’ve received from everyone is to moisturize, moisturize, moisturize, and I can see why. My complexion is taking a beating with all of the makeup that gets put on then taken off then put back on again. My hair isn’t much better and there are times when I think I’ll end the week bald and with my face worn completely off and this is only one week. Next season I’ll probably being working four weeks by doing New York, London, Milan and Paris. Lord help my poor face and hair then.

Once done with the washing, it’s off to makeup with a quick pit stop at the food table to snag a bite and a bit to drink. Trying to eat becomes a contest between me, the person behind me working on my hair, pulling and jerking my head in all directions and the makeup artist trying to get me made up.

Eventually we work up a pattern to get it all done. By the time the makeup artist is ready to work on my eyes, my hair is done. Once my eyes are done I can finish my snack and drink, being very careful not to smudge anything. With my growling stomach temporarily dealt with I can get up and wander a bit, pausing frequently for the photographers who are everywhere.

I do get a chance to visit the other girls I’m getting to know as well as with Arizona and soon the call is going out for us to get into our first look. There’s the mad scrabble of people leaving the backstage area and others coming in while we models quickly get to the racks and change with the multitude of styling assistants flittering around to help us.

Once dressed, I grab my number and get in line. Soon the music starts and the runway lights come on and we start. Arizona is four ahead of me and she settles her face and begins the show.

It’s kinda funny in a way how backstage we’re all animated and laughing and joking with one another, then we hand off our number to the assistant who checks us off her list, the designer gives us a final quick look and a minor adjustment along with a word of encouragement then we’re off: our faces suddenly go neutral to the crowd gathered to see the show, with them never knowing and probably not really caring about the backstage world that most will never realize exists.

My turn comes and as always, the excitement builds until I step out on the runway, then it’s like I’m in my own world. I set my gaze towards the end of the runway at the photographers gathered at what is affectionately called the Pit and concentrate on keeping my walk at its best to maintain what the designer wants and to give the photographers the best shots possible.

Reaching the end of the runway, I make my turn and head back down the other side. As soon as I’m backstage again I’m rushing to the rack for my second outfit. Once changed it’s time to do it all over again.

The more I do this the more I’m finding that this truly is what I want to do with my life. I love modelling and I want to keep doing it. Oh I’ll finish school and even work on a degree but this is what I want to do now, this really does make me happy. So even if Next does decide they don’t want me, it won’t matter, I’ll find another agency who’ll take me.

All too soon the show is over and we’re all backstage clapping and congratulating everyone for a great show. There’s still no sign of Mom or Bobby and there isn’t a text either. I finish changing and with a series of hugs and goodbyes I make my way outside. If Mom of Bobby aren’t there I’ll go back to the hotel for a shower and some dinner before going back out for final fittings and the rehearsal for tomorrow’s show.

I’m just starting to dial Mom to find where she is when I see her walking towards me with two cups in her hands.

“There you are. I was beginning to think that you forgot about me.”

Handing me one of the cups Mom replies, “wow look at you, you look like a flapper girl from the forties. Sorry about the delay, honey, we’ve been hip deep in negotiations since we left you. Let’s grab a taxi and get back to the hotel. We’ll be having dinner with Bobby and Lisa and we’ll go over everything.”

Lifting the lid of the cup I smell the delicious scent of chocolate and coffee. “Mmm, since you brought me this I’ll forgive you. So what are these deep negotiations?”

“Next wants you and they want you badly. You may not realize it because you’ve been so busy, but you’re creating quite a stir. You present yourself like a veteran and you have a unique look that is getting the attention of the industry: agents, designers, photographers, you name them.

“Next wants to get you under a full contract as soon as possible and that has given us a tremendous amount of leverage. I’m still not happy with the contract but there’s no help for that, it’s the way the industry is set up right now and we can’t change that. Quite frankly all you models are getting the short end of the stick. You’re independent contractors bound to an exclusive contract with an agency and you take the lion’s share of the financial risks.

“It’s true that the agency is taking a gamble and sometimes they lose out financially but not as big of a gamble as the model takes. Fortunately Next wants you badly enough to pony up a bit more plus we’ve been able to get some performance clauses added that will give you an out if needed. You’ll see when you read the contract.”

“Okay, wow I had no idea. So, do you think I should sign with them?”

“That’s going to be up to you. Read the contract and see how you feel about it then. I will say that the attorney we had working on this thinks this is a good deal. If you accept that then the question is going to be: is this really something you want to do?”

“Oh, Mom it is, it really is. You know, at first I wasn’t so sure. I thought it’d be fun and give me a chance to just see what it’s like and all but at the very beginning I never thought that ‘A’ I’d like it that much or ‘B’ that I’d be any good at it. I can also add ‘C’ that I never thought anyone would want me as their model. But all that’s changed. The more I do this, the more I like it. I enjoy the modelling, the runway work, all of it. I’m meeting people I really like and this is challenging me like I didn’t think it could. People think I’ll be good and the designers are proving that by hiring me for their shows.

“I don’t know how long this will last: everything about this world says change, change, change. The whole industry has A-D-D but it needs to be like that to keep things fresh. Next season I might not get a single show but as long as I can do this, I really want to.”

“Well in that case, let’s do it. You have your father’s and my full support, honey.”