CHAPTER 82
Tony was back late, sliding into bed with me just before midnight after some reheated toads and instant gravy. I was quiet for a while, but couldn’t help hugging him fiercely as he lay beside me.

“What’s up, love? The kitchen looked like a bomb hit it, so I assume that Jim did some cooking. You wouldn’t normally leave it like that…are you all right?”

“Oh, love, I’m just feeling a bit sort of incomplete”

“Talk to me, love”

“It’s all a sham, that’s what I was thinking”

“What is? You and us? You and Jim?”

“No, love, just me. Don’t worry, we have a little boy with a very gentle touch, and he did the necessary. I was just feeling a little crushed by Bev and Andy…and realising that Jim isn’t really mine”

“He is, though, Sar, as real as it gets”

“Yes……I know that now, he did a very good job of showing me.”

I went through Jim’s actions as Tony held my head on his shoulder, stroking my hair gently. I could almost feel the grin on his face, I didn’t have to see it.

“That’s my boy…”

He kissed me on the top of the head and rolled slightly so he could cup one of my breasts.

“You are very, very real to me, my love, just as you are to all our friends and family. Just think of the differences you have brought to people’s lives, starting with me and our son there”

I played with the hairs on his chest, a little distractedly. “I know, love, I know, but just sometimes, well, I feel a bit of a fraud.”

“Sometimes, so do I. I keep thinking that I’ll cock-up properly at work one day, and everyone will see how useless I really am. It’s just human nature never to be satisfied, and those people who think they are perfect are just idiots. We get by on luck, goodwill and honest effort, and you do so much better than anyone I have ever met”

“Well, I still feel a bit like a fraud, and if it wasn’t for Jim….”

“Well, I feel a right tit at the moment.”

“Left, actually…mmmmmmmmmm”

So I let my hand stray down a little, and then it was all very nice, and that time I cried as I dug my heels in and clutched my other lifesaver.

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The next morning, Jim was up before either of us, and I woke to find him putting a cuppa beside the bed, as with some embarrassment I realised exactly how smelly we had made it. After I had finished my tea, I made sure I took a decent shower before showing my face in the kitchen. Jim was just finishing his cereal before running off to school.

I don’t think I ever will lose my pain at being unable to have a child properly of my own, but the boys showed me what I had suspected that day so many centuries ago, that there were ways of being a mum that didn’t involve being a mother, and I knew that day, utterly and in my heart, that Jim was my child.

Back to work. Do what I can, concentrate on being a better Mam than I had been, leave others alone, and just be myself for a while. Of course, as soon as Alice mentioned ‘popping across to Fishguard’ my resolution wavered.

“Who are you going with, Alice? Suzy?”

“No, on my own, Arwel has a do on at the rugby club, a dinner with frocks, so I am invited as the arm candy”

“Are you sure you are up to this?”

“I will have both the boys around, as well as your parents, so how can I not be?”

Sarah, back off, leave her to her own life.

“OK, but you know I worry about you"

“Yes, and all five of us have your number, and Elaine will be nearby and I am packing clean knickers and I won’t take any sweeties from any strange men”

She made it a joke, but I could feel the determination behind her words. She wanted to take her own steps, in her silly shoes, and whether she flew or fell she wanted to be the one doing it. I started to giggle, I couldn’t help it.

“What’s so funny? My hair not straight or something?”

“No, Alice, it’s nothing like that”

I sat her down with a cup of instant coffee-flavoured -drink, and talked her through the previous day’s crisis, and of course we both got a little weepy, and settled into those comforting hugs that only women seem to do, and as we settled into our mutual comfort she said all the right things, and we smiled together, and then of course she asked the question again.

“This is going to sound silly, Alice…”

“So try me”

“I just realised I have two kids, and the other one is a stroppy, randy teenager”

Fortunately, Suzy had a spare uniform top to replace the one she sprayed all the coffee down.

So, a fortnight later I saw Alice off on the train to Abertawe, for Hywel to collect at the station, and for three days I sat almost shitting myself with worry. There were a couple of calls only, including the obligatory “Can’t talk now, Mum, just off into the dinner” one, and yes, she did call me Mum. In that short call she sounded ecstatic, and it was truly like one of those awful American prom things that are taking over UK schools, all excitement at being so dressed up and with her Great Dark Man. I slept so badly that night that at 2 in the morning I crawled out of our bed and into a spare one to try and read for a while without disturbing my hibernating bear, the sheets all cold and lonely. No late night ‘home, safe’ call left me sweating.

She was back on the Monday evening, and I had a call from Enid as she picked her up at Priory station.

“Baggage collected, fixed grin in place” and ten minutes later they were at the door for a cuppa. I am afraid I had a little dig at her for not giving me chapter and verse that she was safe and secure, and she snapped back about being a grown woman.

“That’s just it, Alice, you’re not. No, don’t look like that, all meant was that you haven’t had as much experience out in the world as me, or Enid, and I worry about you so much. Just remember what happened to me”

“How could we forget?” she said, rather acidly. “Just remember yourself…not every man in the world is a Joe, and there is one huge difference here. Arwel knows EXACTLY what I am, before we get anywhere near the shagging stage.”

My face must have betrayed me. She softened, just a bit. “No, we haven’t. I don’t have the necessary, perhaps I never will, and it’s not the main thing on his mind. We have other connections, better ones in my opinion. Shared tastes, shared experiences even if we had them separately, if you take my point. We sort of grew up together but separately, and that counts an awful lot.

“What Arwel wanted for this weekend was a chance to see me, to try and treat me, as a woman, in a way as his woman, and that is why I needed to do it on my own without you and Suzy perpetually glaring at anyone who got too close. We just needed some privacy from, well, from your side of our sort-of-family”

Enid snorted at that. “No ‘sort-of’ about it, you stupid woman, you are family, full stop.”

Alice gave her a squeeze. “Yes, I know, and I also know that without you two I would not be here, but it is time I took some risks of my own. I know what throws Arwel off kilter, and, to be blunt, it is my cock. I plan to get rid; my worry is a simple one, and that is that the docs may refuse on grounds of poor health, but I have to try.

“Look…it was a very good evening, and the days were fun as well, and Arwel did his ‘tourist guide’ thing, but after the dance….we had a snog, and he got all unnecessary, and then he pulled back stammering. He still hugs me, but I think the beer got the better of him, and he is still so confused, but I am not. Look, we can’t write off my history, but at least we can get rid of his double vision”

I hadn’t expected quite such a rapid turn round in her attitude. “Alice, with recent events, you know, you could die…”

“I was prepared for that years ago, love. Now I have a chance to live rather than just be alive, I am more than happy to roll the dice. I have an appointment with my quack next week”