You spend your entire life thinking you’re just like any other boy, when you suddenly find out you aren’t, trying to adjust can be difficult.

Part 39

Reluctantly I get up and follow Robbyn into the kitchen. Every step into the kitchen hurts. It's not so much my blisters, I've dealt with them before, no it's my calves and ankles. I'm assuming that it's from all the walking around in high heels I did, but even though I spent the day in heels, I never expected it to effect me this way. Hopefully I'll either get used to it or even better, not have to wear them all day again. I have to say though, wearing heels does make my legs look good.

In the kitchen, I start making tuna fish and Robbyn pulls out the rest of the fixings. As we're putting our sandwiches together Ellen walks in.

"Well hey there stranger, haven't seen you in awhile. Want a sandwich?"

Ellen hardly even slows down as she rushes by.

"Sorry sis gotta run. Later."

"Hey Ellen, I want to . . . "

Before I can even finish she's gone and I hear the front door slam. Hobbling to the living room I get to the window in time to see a black Audi pull away. I just get to see the profile of who I suspect is Ellen's boyfriend. There's something vaguely familiar about him, but I just can't figure out what.

On the way back to the kitchen Mom comes down the hall.

"Was that your sister?"

"Yea, she took out of here like she was lit on fire. Does her new boyfriend drive a black Audi?"

"I think so, is that who she left with?"

"Probably then, who is her boyfriend anyway? There's something vaguely familiar about him."

"Ask your sister."

"You want a sandwich? I would ask her but I can't seem to catch her, so who is he?"

"Yes, I'd love one. And I'm not going to discuss your sister's relationships with you, just as I won't discuss yours with her."

"Ok, ok, I was just looking for a name is all."

"Listen, I haven't had much more time than you have in talking with your sister lately and I don't know if there's a reason why she hasn't talked to you about him. It could very well be, and I'm sure it is, just because she hasn't had the opportunity to do so. But if there is a reason, I won't violate her trust in telling me, ok?"

"Yea, I just wish I knew why he looked familiar. So is he ok? I mean, is he a good guy?"

"He's a very nice young man and we are now changing the subject."

"Ok, ok.

"Thanks for the sandwich. If you girls are going back outside to do your sun worshiping, be sure to lather up."

"We will."

"Ok Mrs. C."

Mom heads back to her office and Robbyn is chuckling.

"What's so funny?"

"You are. I didn't realize your sister's boyfriend bothered you so much."

"It's not that so much, but I swear I know him from somewhere. I just can't place from where. Oh well, I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I’m going up to change as soon as we're done. Want to come on up with me? If you put lotion on me, I'll put it on you."

"That sounds like fun."

* * *

An hour later Robbyn and I are out back laying in the sun, supremely relaxed. At least I am, Robbyn seems pretty relaxed too.

"Alex?"

"Humm?"

"You do know that stimulating certain pleasure centers releases endorphins and that endorphins are natural painkillers?"

"No I didn't, isn't that interesting?"

"It is, it's fascinating. Well seeing how much pain you're in, I only thought it was my duty to see if I could alleviate some of your discomfort. I also wanted to make sure that you got a good coating of lotion. Sunburns can be so nasty and I just didn't want to see you burn."

"Robbyn, you are just too good to me, you know that? My discomfort is fading away to almost nothing and I so appreciate the thoroughness you showed in making sure that I didn't have any spot that was left uncovered, I really do. I too wanted to make sure that you got fully covered. Do you think I missed any place?"

"No, you were very thorough, I can also get run over by a truck right now and not feel any pain. Ya gotta love those endorphins."

At this point we both break down in a fit of giggles.

When we've settled down a bit, Robbyn asks, "So tell me, what was it like kissing Jerry?"

"He, he. I was wondering when that question was coming."

"So?"

"So nothing. I wasn't really that thrilled when Phillip told me to do that. I guess he could tell because he kept us practicing it over and over. Either that or Jerry slipped him a twenty. Jerry was very grabby if you didn't notice and I wasn't kidding, every time I sat down, he put his hand on my butt.

I suppose it could have been better if it was something that I wanted in the first place, but even leaving all of that aside, it was different. When we kiss it's all soft and gentle, with him it was all hard and demanding."

"He was hard?" And Robbyn breaks down in a fit of giggles.

"Yuck, that's not what I meant and you know it."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. So you found it was really different?"

"Yea, night and day. I must say I enjoy your kisses far more."

"Aww, now aren't you just the sweetest thing."

"Why yes, yes I am."

Cue giggles.

Once we get the giggles under control, we both settle down to our magazines; she has her scientific magazines and I'm going through Ellen's fashion magazines. I'm trying to get a handle on all of this fashion, modeling, and commercial stuff that I seem to find myself in. I could wish that Ellen was around to help me decipher some of this.

Eventually I put down the fashion magazines, reading them are beginning to feel like homework at this point. I pick up the entertainment section of the paper and start to read that.

About half-way through I come across a very interesting article.

"Robbyn."

"Humm?"

"You know that the Josh Holliday, Sarah Carerra concert is tonight?"

"Yea."

"This is Sarah's first concert. Wouldn't it be cool if we could see it?"

"That would be such a blast, can you imagine?"

"If I could arrange things so you got to see this concert, what would you think?"

"I'd think you were a miracle worker. Why?"

"Would you be grateful?"

"Yeees. What's this all about?"

"How grateful? Would you say, oh I don't know, be willing to grant me one wish that was within your power?"

"What are you getting at?"

"Well would you?"

"Yea, I suppose so. If you got it so I could see the concert I'd grant you one request. Now tell me what this is all about."

"Promise?"

"I said yes."

I hand her the paper with tomorrow nights TV schedule on top.

"Ta da! I get my wish, you promised. Te he."

"Hey! This is great, their going to air it on TV tomorrow night. Hey! You tricked me!"

"I was very explicit. I said if I could arrange it for you to see her concert if you'd grant me a wish and you said yes. You can watch it with me in the family room. A deal is a deal."

"Ok, deal. Now what's this wish you wanted?"

"Not sure yet, I'll let you know."

"Brat."

"Robbyn Anderson, I stick my tongue out at you." Then I put action to my words and stick my tongue out.

We both start giggling again. I then get up and run and jump into the pool. I'm quickly followed by Robbyn. We spend the next forty-five minutes to an hour just splashing around and having fun.

After we've gotten out and are stretched out on the lounge chairs to dry, I turn my head to Robbyn and ask, "Robbyn, have you ever been curious?"

"About what?"

"Well, you know, boys."

"Boys?"

"Yes boys as in boyfriends, kissing a boy, all that stuff. Part of me kinda wants to know but heck, I don't even know if I like boys, you know, like that."

Blushing I am determined not to hide my face.

Robbyn's eyes widen when she realizes what I'm talking about and she starts to giggle.

"You mean boys as in he Tarzan, you Jane . . . "

"Yes," I interrupt, "Just forget I asked."

"No, I have wondered."

"You have?"

"Well yea, and well I kinda found out."

"What!"

"Well I was going to tell you, I just never found the right time then it all just kinda slipped from my mind."

"Start talking girlfriend."

"Ok, ok. Well Daddy as I mentioned, was visiting doctors over there and well, one of them has a son. We ended up staying with this family and this guy and I started to become friends."

"Ooo-kay."

I have a sinking suspicion on where this is going as Robbyn continues.

"Well, we ah, well we got to the point that we kinda made out."

"Oh."

"Alex, he's a nice guy and we were, at least I was, just curious, and . . . Alex, don't be upset, please."

At this point we were both sitting up. I look up from my clasped hands and see tears forming in Robbyn's eyes.

I move over to her lounge and put my arm around her pulling her close to me.

"Robbyn, I'm not upset with you. Stunned yes, upset no. So you like this guy?"

Robbyn wraps her arms around me and says, "He's nice and yes I like him, but I love you. Please don't be mad at me."

I pull her face to mine and kiss her.

"Robbyn, I love you too. I could never be mad at you. Just one thing."

"What?"

"How far did you go and what was it like."

At this we both hug and start giggling.

* * *

At around two Robbyn and I are in the kitchen getting something to drink and cooling off, when Mom comes in.

"Hey there girls, if you two go change, I thought we'd go on over to the mall. I believe that all three of us need some things. How does that sound?"

"Great Mrs. C."

"Sounds great Mom."

"Well hurry up then, I want to get back in time to get dinner ready."

So we hurry. Back up to our room and a quick change; me in my jean skirt and purple tank top and white shorts and a pink tank top for Robbyn.

In next to no time, we're back downstairs and off to the mall we go.

We're all having a great time shopping. Both Mom and Robbyn found some real cute blouses and I found a pair of jeans to die for. They're white but have glittery threads running through them so when you walk, you sparkle. They're real cool and they fit me like a glove.

It isn't until after I got some new bras and am trying on a very nice black bikini that it hits me, I am enjoying this. I am actually having fun shopping with Mom and Robbyn. What's more, I'm not uncomfortable doing it. This all hits me while I'm looking at myself in the mirror wearing the bikini. First I'm thinking how cute it looks, then I'm thinking that it really shows off my figure well, then wham, what if someone sees me in this? Then wham again, so what if someone sees me, then back and forth.

I'm sending myself mixed and messed up messages and the end result is I'm getting myself more and more confused and worked up.

Suddenly I'm feeling very self-conscious standing in the dressing room wearing this bikini. I quickly change back into my street clothes.

"So honey, did you want to get that?"

"What? Oh, yea sure. Um, Mom do you think we could go home now?"

"Sure honey, are you feeling ok?"

Robbyn comes over and says "Alex, you're looking real flushed. What's wrong?"

"Um, I'm not sure. Can we just go now? Please?"

"Ok honey, I'll go pay for these. Why don't you and Robbyn start to head back to the car? I'll catch up."

"Ok Mom."

Robbyn takes my arm and we head on back to the car. I'm trying real hard to not hyperventilate. Just before we reach the car, Mom comes running up. She not only has our latest purchases, but she had also stopped and gotten a big bottle of cold water.

I get into the car and after we have the air conditioning cranked and I've had a large drink of water, I begin to calm down.

"Ok honey, feeling a bit better?"

"A little bit. Sorry about this."

"It's ok, what's wrong honey?"

"I don't know, all of a sudden I just started to freak out a bit and needed to get out of there."

"Ok then, why don't you give Amanda a call?"

"Oh I'm fine now Mom."

"No you aren't. Your breathing is still elevated and you still look a bit flushed.. Now you need to call her or I will. We're not moving until you do sweetheart. If she wants to see you, we can drive straight up, if not, we'll give you privacy there in the back, so dial."

I smile at Mom and try to give a reassuring smile to Robbyn. She smiles back, leans over and gives me a kiss and says, "I love you" then moves up to the front seat with Mom.

I get out my phone and dial Amanda. She picks up on the third ring and we talk and talk and talk. When we're done I feel much better and actually pretty close to normal again. I now know what a panic attack feels like. Apparently it was triggered when my old self-perception came in conflict with my new girl self. Amanda actually saw this whole thing as a good sign. She feels that I am adjusting very well and accepting who I am. She thought that the fast pace that I've been under lately didn't allow me, my subconscious me, to process all that had been happening and the result was a mild freak out. My words, not hers.

As I'm sitting there in the car going over all that we discussed I start to become aware of my surroundings. I never even noticed when we reached home and parked in the garage. Mom and Robbyn are not in the car. They had left me alone to talk to Amanda.

When I get out of the car, I see Robbyn sitting on the steps to the house with a worried look on her face.

"You ok?"

"Yea, I'm fine. I had a mild panic attack from the fast pace I've been under is all. I'm fine now."

Robbyn wraps me in a hug. "I was so worried about you. Are you sure you're ok?"

I give her a kiss. "I'm fine, I swear. Let's go inside and I'll tell you and Mom everything that Amanda and I talked about."

"Ok." And with that we go into the house with our arms around each other.

* * *

Apparently I was talking with Amanda for over an hour, it didn't feel nearly that long. Robbyn and I take a seat at the counter as Mom gets things ready for dinner. As I munch on a celery stick, I fill Mom and Robbyn in on what Amanda and I talked about.

"So that's basically it. Amanda told me to try to slow the pace down a bit and to make sure that I give myself plenty of down time to let myself adjust to things. She also said that if I have any more attacks, we can look at some medication that might help but she'd rather wait on that. I agree, I'd rather not start taking any meds myself, I haven't been long off the last batch I was on."

"Did she have an opinion on whether or not you should do the commercial?" Asks Mom.

"She thought it should be fine. She just said that if I begin to feel that things are moving too fast, then to just step back a bit and not to force things or try to tough it out."

"Ok, you be sure to do that too."

"I will Mom."

Soon we're on to talking about other things, like the clothes we just bought. As we're chattering away, Dad comes into the room.

"Good afternoon ladies. What's for dinner?"

"Gyros," replies Mom. "You'll need to get the lamb on the grill here in a bit."

"Yummy. How is everyone this fine afternoon?"

"Fine, Robert what are you up to?"

"Me? I'm just asking how you ladies are and if, say Alex's day could be made better by these."

With that he hands me an envelope.

"That came for you while you ladies were out."

Opening the envelope with Robbyn looking over my shoulder, I pull out three tickets for the June 11th showing of the Tonight Show.

"Is this for what I think it is for?"

"Yep, John included a letter to your mother and me. John says that Sarah Carerra is scheduled to perform on the Tonight Show on the 11th."

At this announcement both Robbyn and I start screaming.

"Oh my god, that is so cool."

"This is so cool but who can I give these other two tickets to?"

"What! You better be joking!"

"Te he, of course I am! This is so great!"

"Girls, girls, settle down and not so loud."

"Sorry Dad. But Dad, there's only three tickets here."

"If you let me get a word in I'll explain. When John called and asked how many tickets we'd need, I told him three. I need to go down to L.A. on Thursday anyway so I figured that we all could go and on Friday, you, Robbyn and your sister could go see the Tonight Show and I'd take your mother out to dinner. How does that sound?"

"Oh Dad, that sounds absolutely fab. Ah, how are we going? Is Bridget taking us?"

"Yes, the helicopter will fly us down."

"Weeeeee! Oh Robbyn, I told you about the last time we went down. Bridget was the pilot that flew us. She is so cool, I can't wait until you meet her."

"Wait honey, there's more. You see the Tonight Show does general seating for its audiences. What will happen is you all will get there an hour prior to when they open the doors for everyone else and will be let in. Then you'll be shown to the best seats to watch this Sarah gal. They aren't the best seats to watch the interviews but will be for her performance. John wasn't sure if she was going to be interviewed or not and figured that you'd be more interested in seeing the performance anyway."

"This is so super. I've got to get a thank you letter off to them right away. And thank you Dad, you're the best."

At that I hop up and give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks Dad."

"Come on Alex, let's go see what we can wear to the show. This is the coolest."

* * *

Journal Entry: July 8th

Ok, wanted to get this entry in before too much time goes by. There's a ton of stuff happening and if I wait too long, then I'll end up typing in this for days.

So, last time I mentioned that I was going up to San Fran for a photo shoot for my portfolio. Well I did and all in all it went rather well. I still haven't seen the pics or the film that was taken. Next week we'll go back up and I'll meet with my agent PJ and go over the film.

The only downside was I felt like a cripple by time we were done. Phillip, the photographer, kept me at a very fast pace. Phillip is very good and has some wild ideas for taking my picture. There were your typical commercial magazine style shots but also some that were a bit more avant garde, a lot like we'd sometimes see on the Next Model show.

At the end of the shoot I was taken to this other room that had a runway in it. I was put in this absolutely gorgeous gown. I would have loved to have it but it was a bit too small for me, what am I saying, I could hardly breath in it. It was beautiful though. Also, Phillip didn't like how I was doing my walk so he put me in these five inch heels. The damn things pinched my feet and it felt like I was walking on my very tippy toes. Phillip was pleased because they did force me to walk my own walk as opposed to copying other models styles.

Robbyn says my walk was the best she saw me do and that I look like all my joints are made out of jello. She also says that it's a very sexy walk. I suspect she's a tad bit biased.

Anyway, this runway room was set up to mimic an actual runway environment. I mean it had music and lights and flashes going off like there were photographers out there and a soundtrack that made it sound like the murmuring of voices. Very cool, although freaky at first.

The next thing that happened was the next day I had a mild panic attack. Mom, Robbyn and I were at the mall shopping when it happened. I got through it ok though and talked to Amanda about it. I think I can deal with it better now, at least I hope so. I do not like them! Robbyn was really worried but I told her all about what Amanda and I talked about regarding the attack and that seemed to reassure her.

What I didn't mention to Robbyn or Mom was my conversation with Amanda about Robbyn. See, I didn't mention this the last time but Robbyn and I have really gotten close. No I mean REALLY close. As in we love each other and we are actually sexually active.

Well I got the nerve up and told Amanda this. Her reaction surprised me kind of. See she has absolutely no troubles with the sex side of our relationship, she just wants me to take things slower with the emotional side of the relationship. I thought it would be the other way around. Anyway, she feels that with both of us being so young, one, the other or more likely both of us could end up getting hurt. She explained that yes it is possible that our relationship is the type to last a life time but what is more likely is one or both of us will want to at least test other relationships. She told me to be very careful and try not to get hurt.

I'm going to have a little sit down with Robbyn soon and we'll talk about all of this. She's my very best friend and I never want to lose that. I don't think she does either. I figure the more open we are with each other, the better.

Now to the really exciting stuff. Thursday we're going down to L.A. and on Friday we are going to see Sarah Carerra on the Tonight Show! This is going to be such a blast. While Mom and Dad are off for a date night, I, Robbyn and Ellen will be at the show. Robbyn and I watched the concert the other night and she is such a great performer. I just can’t wait until we get to see her live!

Ok, that's it for now. I got to run. Mom and I are off to the club for the workout from hell.

Later. Bye.

End Journal Entry

I shut down the computer, grab my gym bag, give sleeping beauty a kiss on the forehead and head downstairs to find Mom.

"Ready Mom."

"Good, we're running a bit late so we need to hurry."

We make good time to the club and end up not being late at all. Ken and Barbie, that's my name for the instructors as I can never remember their real names, tag teams us until we're all about to drop. Somehow and I'm not really sure how, I manage to get through the class without taking a break.

My blisters didn't give me any trouble and I thought my calves and ankles were back to normal but apparently not fully. When we finished I was dripping wet and looking forward to a shower.

While we're dressing, Mom asks, "Honey, do you mind waiting just a little bit. There's someone that I need to talk to and about the only time I get the chance to is right after our workout."

"Sure Mom, no problem."

"Thank you sweetie. Where do you want to meet up?"

"How about the car? I want to walk around a bit and keep my legs loose or I won't be able to walk tomorrow."

"Ok honey, this shouldn't take too long."

"Don't hurry on my account. I don't mind waiting. I'll take your bag and put it into the car for you."

"You're such a good girl."

"Practically perfect in every way."

Laughing Mom heads out and I take our bags out to the car. After storing them in the trunk, I start walking around to keep my legs from stiffening up.

After a bit, I decide to go inside and get something to drink. I go on out by the pool where they have a juice bar and as I'm waiting in line, I see good ol' Brandon over by the pool. Even I have to admit that he's a handsome man. By the look of it he's either going to or coming from tennis by the way he's dressed. Also the tennis racket in his hand is a dead giveaway. A regular Sherlock Holmes, that's me.

I chuckle to myself over remembering our last meeting. He looked a tad stunned by my response to him. As big as he is I bet it looked like a little dog yipping at a big dog.

Now who the hell is that? Some blonde bombshell just got out of the pool and laughing and dripping just went up to him and gave him a kiss. Hmm, my guess it's not his sister, not by that kiss.

She's not too bad looking I guess. Ok, ok, she's rather attractive, in a bottle blonde sort of way.

Smirking I realize I have the better figure.

They're both in profile now and something is puzzling me. Then, while looking at Brandon and his profile, the angle of his jaw, it all comes together. That son-of-a-bitch!

Forgetting everything I storm over to him, wishing I was big enough to deck him. Instead I do the next best thing that I can think of.

When I get to him, he turns with a rather surprised look on his face. Before he can say anything, I growl out, "You bastard, you're dating my sister!"

With that I give him a hard shove, forcing him to fall into the pool. The surprised look on his face is absolutely priceless.

I give my best cruel little smile to his girlfriend and turn and leave. Wait until I tell Ellen, the slime. I wonder if all guys are like this. Nobody two times my sister.

Everyone has turned to look at me but I don't care. What's that saying? Something about the righteous need not hide? Something like that anyway.

My triumphant exit is shattered when I see Ellen come through the patio door to the pool area on the arm of, oh god no, Brandon's brother.

I stop and am standing there with my jaw dragging on the ground when Ellen comes up with her . . . boyfriend?

"Alex? What are you doing here?"

Just then Brandon comes dripping up to us. Ellen is looking very confused, Brandon's brother starts laughing to beat the band and I realize the mistake I just made.

Weakly I ask, "Ellen, he's your boyfriend?"

"Yes, I've wanted to tell you but . . Brandon what on earth happened to you?"

"Your psycho sister! She pushed me in the pool!" Turning to me he continues, "Just what in the hell was that all about? If this is about the other day, then I think you went just a bit overboard. Are you nuts or something?"

Feeling about the size of a microbe and as embarrassed as I think anyone has ever been in the history of embarrassment, I push myself away from everyone and with a pitiful "sorry" thrown over my shoulder, I run away.

When I get to the car, Mom's there waiting.

"There you are. I thought we were meeting here? Honey, what's wrong?"

I give her the keys and say, "Mom, can we please just go?"

"Sure honey."

After we get into the car and are heading home, Mom says "Ok, now will you tell me what's wrong? Is it that boy? Did he do something again?"

At that I just cry out "Oh Mom I'm so stupid!" then break down in tears for the rest of the ride home.

---

Author’s Note: Who is Sarah Carerra you ask? She’s a young singer/song writer character created by Megan Campbell. The story of Sarah Carerra is very good and if you haven’t read them, you really should. Thank you Megan for allowing Alex and Robbyn to be two of Sarah’s biggest fans and allowing me to mention her in my tale. - Connie