CHAPTER 43
“What the hell is this?”
I decided to push her delirium a bit more. Just keep it as normal as possible, and leave her isolated. “It’s coffee, Anne. You drink it. You know how I take mine, Alice, that would be lovely”
Suzy and Andy chimed in, each with their request and a “Thanks, Alice”
Anne was opening and shutting her mouth as her perfume backhanded my nostrils.
“You know what I mean, why is he dressed like that?”
“For the same reason we all are, Anne, it’s company uniform. What else should she wear?”
I gave Andy the nod, and as Anne continued groping for words, Bev entered. Alice was by the ‘over the counter’ shelves.
“Morning, Alice! Anything for a chesty cough?”
I think Anne must have thought the Twilight Zone had dragged her away. As she spluttered, Alice sailed smoothly on.
“How’d that woman know her his shit name?”
I calmly looked down at the swell of my left breast, and lifted up the name tag pinned there. “Er…cause she is wearing one of these?”
“Yes, but she is a man! He is! “
I peered theatrically over at Alice. “Nope, not from where I’m standing. Suze, is that a man over there?”
“No, Sar, that’s Alice, stupid question”
I called over our Romeo. “Andy, is that a man by the cough cures?”
“Sarah, you need your eyes testing, that’s Alice”
Bev left the store, and I steered Anne into the dispensary. “Look, you seem a little off this morning, let’s get some of these repeats filled and get the day moving, OK?”
“Yes, but, she’s….”
“Drink your coffee and let’s get to work, OK?”
Alice took up a spot just outside our little booth, and Enid arrived, with a series of exchanges just like Bev’s, Anne hanging onto every word as her face went from white to red and back again.
After her first attempts to question Alice’s presence, Anne seemed to drop out of the conversation, as if she was simply waiting out a bad dream. Andy’s brother Nick was in, then his sister in law and the two boys, and Janet. That was the one where Anne started to lose it, as Janet calmly discussed how Jim was getting on at her school.
I found Anne shaking in the ladies’ after that. “Why are you all doing this? That’s a man in a wig!”
“That’s just Alice hill, your boss, Anne” I said softly. “She’s always been a woman”
“But she had a fucking BEARD!”
“That was a very bad disguise, Anne, and it made her very, very unhappy”
“But men don’t just change into women!”
“She didn’t, Anne, she has always been a woman, she just decided not to hide any more”
“But she’s wearing a wig!”
“So does Mrs Ibbotson who has the rash”
“That’s alopecia!”
“Yes, just like Alice. Come on, scrip to prepare, people to serve. Wipe your eyes and we’ll get the morning done”
She followed me out, and simply put her head down as she worked, ignoring Alice and the world around her as much as she could. That lasted until just before her lunch break.
“Hello there Alice, looking lovely today!”
“Why thank you, Father!”
The bottle Anne was holding was plastic, so it bounced.
“Will I see you on Sunday, then?”
“Indeed. I have a new hat to show off”
“Hmm, are you drifting into vanity, young lady?”
“Keep calling me ‘young’, Father, and you will certainly tempt me into that sin!”
Blushing bright pink, Anne muttered something about lunch and skittered off out of the shop on her heels. Pat watched her go. “Morning, Sarah, she seems just a bit on edge”
“Oh, she is, Pat, I think we’ve really freaked her out with all this ‘it’s just Alice’ stuff, I’m a little worried she’ll do something silly”
Andy came over. “Bev’s at the church, and she’s got the hands free kit on, and I gave her the number to Alice’s office. Speakerphone, everyone?”
We bundled in, and sat and stood round the desk. Bev rang about ten minutes after Anne had left.
“Brown Cow calling Home Pharm”
I looked hard at Andy, who was grinning. “You called your girlfriend a brown cow?”
His grin turned to a blush. “She’s not my girlfriend”
“Brown Cow to Home Pharm, then why is my toothbrush in your bathroom?”
Suzy kissed him on the cheek, with a little hug. Alice followed suit, and I was pleased to see Andy relax to that one. Bev continued.
“Target in sight.”
I visualised her kneeling in a pew, head covered, quietly ‘praying’ into her clip-on microphone as Anne passed her.
“She’s not doing the floor thing. She seems to be waiting. How much bloody scent has she put on? Sorry, shouldn’t swear in church”
Pat leant forward. “Your sin is forgiven. Buy one round of coffees on your return.”
“There’s a priest coming out.”
“Is it Bill?”
“Dunno, what’s he look like?”
“Tall, skinny”
“Nope. This one’s quite stocky, about five ten. Curly blond hair”
Pat started, then grinned. “Fucking Charlie Mulcahey! The dirty bastard!”
Bev’s voice came back. “Oy, Pat!”
“I’m not the one in Church, Bev. Where are they now?”
“He’s taking her to a door by the pulpit. They’ve gone in”
Pat grinned, happily. “Get yourself back, Bev, I know what’s going on now!”
Pat beamed around the room. “What we have here, my children, is a celibate hanger-on of Opus Dei, a celibate priest who happens to be well-known as a shagger, and a lunchtime knee-trembler. She’ll be chewing on his communion wafer as we speak”
He turned serous. “Charlie’s a hypocrite, but he’s a good parish priest. I wonder what he slipped Bill for the use of the vestry.”
I grinned. “Something different to what he’s slipping Anne, then!”
Pat raised his eyebrows. “No, I don’t think that’s what Charlie will be doing. She will see the actual act of intercourse as a mortal sin. Remember Clinton? ‘Eatin’ ain’t cheatin’ “
“You serious, Pat?”
“Deadly serious, Sar. I take my vows very seriously, and I take them as they are and were meant to be. Morality should know no sophistry. If I ever felt I could not maintain them, I would leave my calling immediately. Other people find ways to dance around their sin. You used that analogy ages ago to me, the man who parks illegally because it is convenient to him, but condemns everyone else’s breach.
“The Lord spoke of motes and beams. These people deny there s a log n their eyes, they call it an unfinished structural member. So it doesn’t count. Charlie justifies his shagging, but he means no harm. Anne is different. I think we need to lighten up on her or she will do something very, very silly.”
Comments
I think a few ...
... of your readers were on to your story arc, here :) Not that that detracts from my enjoyment. Now what I (and probably all of we followers) want to know is what happens next. It could be tragic and you have form on this so I'm not anticipating that it will necessarily end with hearts and flowers. There could be tears before bedtime.
I liked the way the toothbrush comment lightened the mood a bit.
Robi
Humour
You didn't like 'Home Pharm',lol?
No I didn't
I thought it was dreadful ... but then who likes the Aldridge's? (Archers joke alert, don't worry if you don't get it)
Robi
"Anne is different"
'"I think we need to lighten up on her or she will do something very, very silly.â€' things are coming to a boiling point now. Like a drug addict, she goes for a "fix" when stressed, and the calm appearance of Alice at work is put her at the edge. I can't wait to see what happens next....
dorothycolleen
Father Pat is a Delight
Such a delightful cynic yet still strong in his faith. Reminds me of Father Henry, the priest who officiated at my first wedding. He drove his superiors nuts with his practicality and humanity, but his flock knew the real thing when they saw it.
Chewing on a communion wafer, indeed!
Wafer
Oh, how I enjoyed writing that episode!
Robyn, if my readers weren't on my story arc I'd be worried. I am at a fork in the narrative here. I have a number of options I can go down,so ....bear with me.
Cold Feet 43
Will Anne ever learn to accept Alice?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Mortal sin
Any faith that deems sex a 'mortal sin' has got to be off the wall.
Are we all to be created by 'immaculate conception' or something?
Sorry they're all totally at sixes and sevens with reality.
Glad I don't bother the sky pixie it'd do my head in.
This is IMHO
the funniest chapter yet.
S.
Just A Small Character Defect
It's amazing that the most "Christian" staff member just can't wrap her head around it, while the real Christians are worried about her mental and physical well-being (well, actually it looks like the physical bit might be being taken care of by Charlie Mulcahy, the dirty bastard!).
Loved some of those lines.
"But she's wearing a wig."
"So does Mrs. Ibbotson who has the rash."
And all the others that my fellow commentors have already chuckled about. Oh, didn't you have fun!
Joanne
"I think we need to lighten up on her,,,"
Glad Pat at least reached that conclusion. Somewhere along the line, it seemed to me that we got past "object lesson" and reached "screw with the outsider's mind" -- probably when Pat arrived. That was a great scene, of course, lots of fun and eminently meaningful to Anne, but it seemed like overkill.
The whole thing was uncomfortably reminiscent to me of scenes in old television sitcoms where the cast tries to convince the adversary guest star that he's going insane after he's seen something that they're trying to keep secret.
Anne has misguided thoughts on one very relevant (to her job, now) subject, but there's been no indication that she deserves to be forced out: she's a competent worker and nobody on the staff had any problems with her until this came up. (Though it seems that no one felt close enough to her to make a friendly suggestion that she ease back on the perfume.)
As both Pat and Sarah have said, this scenario is driving Anne toward doing what they called "something silly" that could, I think, make her a danger to herself or others. (Fortunately, this being England, she probably doesn't have access to (or skill with) a gun, and thanks to the perfume, she's not going to be able to sneak up on anyone.) At the very least, she's likely to do something she'll regret later. (I guess she does need to be told that going over Alice's head to the corporate office is a waste of time because they've signed off on this already.)
We'll see what happens.
Eric