CHAPTER 24
Enid was down late that evening, and to no great surprise from anyone settled herself into the attic. I had to blink at that one. I had been quite a fan of H.P. Lovecraft as a child, and attic rooms normally involved semi-batrachian half-breeds, or amorphous creatures of darkness from beyond….well, mothers-in-law.

Alice had offered her a share of her bed, which made me blink again, but Enid simply smiled. “You snore, dear, and besides, people will talk.”

In the morning she looked at me and Tony. “The doctor thought we must be, but we aren’t, you know. It’s just that since my Tony, your dad, went, I have had nobody really to talk to.”

Tony started to apologise.

“No, it’s not that, you are both always here for me, and there’s Jim, but it’s nice sometimes to just natter with someone from the same background, and Alice and I are of an age. We even had crushes on the same singers when we were young, can you believe that?”

Enid leant forward, while Alice mock-whistled, nonchalantly. “Did you know she has ALL of Peter Noone’s recordings? Even videos of his films?”

I had to start laughing at that one. The thought of these two in some theatre in their youth, screaming with excitement at a pop group, got me giggling, up to the point where I realised Alice had never been allowed to do anything like that. She had simply done what she could in private, and I understood where the knitting came from.

She is perceptive, is Alice. She guessed my thoughts. ”Yes, Sar, that’s why I knit. I sew as well, in fact Jessica is one of mine. I couldn’t really walk into a shop and buy her, could I? Enid and I have been looking at sewing patterns, and I do believe we will be making some nicer clothes for me.”

“Oh, you sod, Alice, I was hoping I had my Christmas presents sorted!”

“There’s always underwear….” She was blushing slightly.

“Anyway, there is no way I am going to try and feed this crowd breakfast, my name isn’t Delia. Joss Bay it is, and breakfast at the Digby!”

With Enid’s and Steve’s cars, there was enough room for four adults and four secured children to be driven up the coast. I wanted more, though, and with just a little persuasion Tony got her out, his Norvin. If I had had the relevant parts, I am sure I would have been getting rather moist as he carefully set the spark, turned on the fuel and came off the ground to hammer down the kick start. Then again. And again.

Pause to breathe…and then up, down, and bang she was running, that odd warbling rumble that a 50 degree V-twin makes, and I wriggled into the tiny back seat between Tony and the tail fairing, hands on his hips, and he gave me the usual instruction not to try and ride it. Up Castle Hill, the vibrations doing things to my stomach, and then really cranked over around the double roundabouts for the Sandwich road. She was running like a watch, and as we passed the cars I am sure that it wasn’t only Steve and Arris who were jealous. I wondered if I could persuade Tony to have a pint or two, so I could ride it back….

Joss Bay is a little stretch of sand near Broadstairs, with chalk stacks, clean sand, and ‘smugglers’ caves’. A scruffy pub overlooks the beach, and they do breakfasts, so we descended en masse and commandeered what seemed like half their restaurant. I looked down to the beach; the tide was receding, so no safety problems, and there were oystercatchers and fulmars, and a couple of sanderling, like wind up toys as they dashed in and out of the receding and advancing waves.

Breakfast was more than adequate, and we set off down the narrow cut behind the pub. Steve and Arris went climbing round the caves with the children, while Tony and I skimmed pebbles over the water.

You know, it was only then that I realised that Alice was out as herself. With a headscarf over her hair, she was walking arm-in-arm with Enid just like any other pair of mature ladies out at the coast with their family.

They really had become fast friends, and it brought home to me how lonely Enid must be, at home in Harwich with a big house and an empty bed. Despite the doctor’s mistaken assumption, there was clearly nothing of that kind between the two, they had just clicked as best friends.

I started to giggle, imagining the two of them in some teenage girl ritual of swearing BFFEAE, and of course Tony asked, and I had to explain, and his laughter echoed off the cliff.

We made our way back tired and happy, flushed from the November wind, and the miserable bastard still wouldn’t let me do the riding. One day I’d have to sneak his handcuffs out and fasten him to the bed…but then I’d probably just get distracted by that and forget exactly why I had tied him down. I noticed that all four kids were using “aunty” and “nana”, and neither of our older ladies objected. This was how life should be: acceptance, affection, the joys of the young being shared with those who went before. Alice was looking thoughtful.

Back at home, she did her usual trick of disappearing into the kitchen to make hot drinks, and she seemed rather quiet. I gave her a squeeze.

“Are you all right, dear?”

“Just thinking, my love”

“Penny for them?”

“This has been such a good day, and so easy for me to do. But that is with all of my friends and, dare I say it, family around me”

“It is your family, if you want it, Alice. Aunties are family.”

“It’s just that I never, ever dared hope that I could ever have anything like this. Please don’t get this wrong, you have been wonderful to me, but it is Enid who has made the real difference. Such a true friend, and I so wish I had had someone like her so much earlier.”

“I know, Alice. I had Elaine, and Becky and Jo…”

That was a little too much for me, and I got a little weepy, having to explain why to Alice, and she joined me. Tony stuck his head in to see where his cuppa was, and so we were joined by Arris and Enid.

The more I saw of the real Alice, the more I knew what she was, and as I mourned her wasted years my own desert came back to me. There was no way either of us could go back and put that right, but from now on I would do my best to seize life by the scruff and shake it. Alice was clearly thinking along similar lines.

“Girls, I have been thinking. I do believe Sar understands where I am coming from, but this is it. I have had enough of loneliness, I have had enough of tears. I have told too many lies, to myself and to others. It stops.

“The more I am allowed to be like this, the harder I find it to pretend I am something else. I need to break out of the lies.

“I intend to go full time as myself. There will be problems, there will be nastiness, but I know where my friends are and I know they are with me. Assuming my therapist doesn’t throw a tantrum, I would like your help in coming out at work and in the rest of my life”

She grinned ruefully. “There’s a joke in itself. I am already out in the rest of my life, because that is who you are”

That was not unexpected, to be honest. Joss Bay had shown her to be happy n public, as long as she had support. What happened outside the comfort zone might be different.

“Alice, you know we are there for you. Talk to her first, see what she says. I need you happy and whole, you have some serious babysitting to do in January!”

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A few days later, I waited with ‘Alan’ outside her therapist’s door.

“Remember, love, I am not here to speak for you, just to show support”

We entered when called, and I saw a short dumpy little woman with a crown of hair, rather resembling Miriam Margolyes. She was called Astrid, and after explaining who I was I left them to their discussion. When it came to timing, I couldn’t resist it, however.

“I will be needing Alice’s help in January, so it would be nice if she was stressed as little as possible. I have to spend some time n hospital, surgery.”

Astrid nodded. “I see. Women’s things?”

I started to laugh at that, it was really just too funny. “Yes, literally. Penectomy and vaginoplasty are definitely women’s things!”

“Bugger me backwards!”

There is always something satisfying in getting one over a shrink. We went into more detail, and Astrid spent a lot of the time just nodding.

“I see now where the strength of your support comes from, Alice. You are a very lucky woman. Yes, woman; as I said on our first meeting, I was concerned more with where you fitted on the cline of types than whether you were an attention seeker or delusional.

“Now, if you feel that you have enough support to do so, I am more than happy for you to change roles, but be aware that there is no way I will be writing you prescriptions until you have had a much more exacting examination. You two of all people should understand that.”

She turned to her computer terminal and began typing, then printed off a letter.

“This is a note explaining to anyone who needs to know that you are a transwoman in transition. It may be necessary, and you will need to send a copy to your employers for a start.

“Alice, just promise me one thing: be careful!”

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