CHAPTER 16
And that, it seemed, was a watershed. We returned the Reading crew to their home on the Sunday, with much nudge wink from the two biggest ones ( I can’t bring myself to say ‘adults’), and then the three of us found a cross-country backroads way so we could enjoy the ride.

Enid was waiting for us in Dover at Tony’s place, with a tea prepared, salad and nibbly things. Tony was on nights the following week, and she made regular trips to babysit, especially when Tone was on late shifts and unable to pick the lad up from school. I had a thought, and before it could escape I let it out under control.

“Is there any way I could help with Jim? I mean, on the lates I could always collect him from the child minder at about five, which is better than Enid having to come all that way”

She smiled. “I love seeing my grandson, but you are right, if Jim is OK with you, that would work well”

Oddly, Tony didn’t say anything ,just went to a cupboard, came back and kissed me, and put a spare set of keys into my hand, smiling.

And that was the start of another stage in my life, looking after a little boy, who held my hand and smiled when he saw me. I can find no words to describe the surge of joy I get every time he does that. I ended up, of course, spending more time at their house than at mine, especially when Tone was on nights and I would stay with Jim and see him to school before work.

It was all too good to keep going on like that, of course , and the change duly came. Tony came in looking a little tense, some four months after the rally and just after Christmas.

“Sar, I have been thinking a lot about where this is going. Jim needs stability, need some form of certainty, and it’s not fair to just keep stringing you along”

Oh shit.

“No, love, don’t look like that!”

He chuckled, which eased my worries a little. “I am never good at getting this sort of thing out, but I need to say something that makes me shit myself, even though I think I know the answer, and it’s a nice thing, I think, and shit, I’m all useless at this sort of thing, but I wanted to get it in before your birthday”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“I will. If what you are trying to say is what I hope it is, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”

“Oh fuck. I suppose I better give you this then”

The box was in his pocket, and the ring fitted nicely. Arris screamed so loudly down the phone I thought my ears would bleed.

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The next morning at work was an ordeal. Every single member of staff wanted to see the ring, and at lunchtime Alan disappeared, to come back only twenty minutes later. An hour after that, a cake was delivered with a message iced onto it: ‘Congratulations Sarah and Tony’. We borrowed a demo camera, and I bought a memory card so that I could have a record of his gift. We sliced the cake on the afternoon break, and life was just so good. Alan cornered me later, crumbs in his beard and a little dollop of cream at the edge of his mouth that a pink tongue-tip hoovered up

“My little wounded girl has found her place, then. You make me smile, Sarah”

He hugged me tight. “Remember, I wanted that invitation”

A serious note crept into his voice. “Tell me, Sar, did this man of yours have anything to do with the…unfortunate incident involving that piece of filth in Swansea?”

I could answer that one truthfully, if not honestly. “No, he didn’t”

Alan sighed. “But he knew someone that did, then. Hold onto that man, girl, if he risked all that for you, he s worth keeping”

I looked at him, really looked at him. Not that tall, and quite a bit overweight, he kept his hair and beard cropped short and his clothes neat, but I never saw him out with anyone except colleagues. There was no Mrs Alan... was there a Mr? Somehow, I thought not.

“Alan, why are you so solicitous about me? I know you are a nice chap, but for some reason you seem to care more for me than others. Please, Alan, if you care for me, if that is why, I am sorry I missed the signs, and I am sorry I rubbed your nose in it today”

He started to cry. Oh shit; there was nobody around, and I got him to his office and locked the door, holding the poor dear man until he got control.

“Talk to me, Al”

“Oh, Sar, you have no idea how wrong you are!”

He choked up a bit at that, and I slipped out to get a cuppa or each of us. He was a lot better when I got back, having told the rest of the staff we were in conference.

“So talk to me”

“You know that I know about you, Sar, don’t you? I know what the others don’t, and as it is none of their business I keep it that way. I know how hurt you were by that pig at your old place, and I just wanted to see you heal, and this man is doing that for you, and soon you will be off for your surgery, and I will stand for you at your wedding, f you invite me…”

“Of course I will!”

“It’s just that I am so, so jealous”

“There is someone out there for you, Alan, you just have to take courage, or let your friends into your life. Look what Arris has done for me”

He started to laugh, which turned into crying. “You are really missing the target, Sar. I’m not jealous of you and Tony, I am jealous of you being able to live as yourself”

Bloody hell. He couldn’t be, surely. Bald, beard, hairy arms….my mouth was open.

“Yes, Sar, you’ve got it at last. I never, ever had your courage, and certainly not the support you have been so lucky in. Look at me. There is no way I could go down your road now, and that s why I keep the beard, so that I don’t slip, I don’t fall into false hope.”

I pulled her to me, my heart absolutely broken for the poor girl. That was when I realised exactly how lucky I had been, with the terrible two at college, Elaine, Arris, my parents, Tony. All that shit I thought I had had, Joe, the wasted dead years, it was all nothing compared to what life had shat out all over this poor girl.

“What’s your name? Alan seems a bit wrong now”

“When I dream, when I dare to hope, I am Alice.”

“Hello, Alice, I am really pleased to meet you”

“Sar, nobody else needs to know.”

“Wrong, you need to tell someone, someone who can help. I will keep your confidence, obviously, but we need to get you some help. Would you be at all willing to talk to Tony and me at some time?”

“Tell a man?”

“Tell a man who’s just proposed to a woman with a cock in her knickers?

That broke the spell, and he laughed properly. She laughed properly. This was going to be difficult.

“Priorities, Alice. We need to get you cleaned up, wash your face and so on. I will broach the subject with Tone, and I will speak to my own doc about some therapy for you. You have a good heart, and I will not see it broken. As Arris has always said to me, you are not alone.”

I hugged her again. Bloody hell, there was a shock.