I find myself wondering why I feel so fragile. Is it that in taking of the male mask I am more vulnerable than I have ever been? Is it that I am now on hormones that equal what a teenage girl deals with? Is it that trying to deal with both my gender issues and my abuse I dont have a lot of emotional strength left for anything else?

I don't know, but the truth remains - I am more sensitive, more fragile now.

So be extra careful in handing me, okay?

Found an interesting documentary on gender identity and those who cross or blur the lines between the genders:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIoVXMFI5Tw

I have a question about the Christmas contest. I know its supposed to be about 3 wise men, but would 3 wise women be acceptable?

After I read Katie's latest blog, I wondered if I should apologize for my writing too. I seem to have the opposite problem than her - I cant make my stories long enough. Someone on fictionmania described my last story "Case file" as "more of an elevator pitch of a story than the full story".'

I have what I think are wonderful ideas in my head, but when I write them they end up being postcards instead of major motion pictures ...

So my apologies to all.

Well, tonight I go to my brother's birthday party, and its expected that some of my relatives will be there who have never "met" the real me. So I am a touch nervous ...

ah, well.

Well, I wanted to talk about some positives about being trans, but last night I ended up fighting nightmares of rape basically the whole night. Probably triggered by my trying to write my autobiography, stupid me.

I will survive, but this isnt the way I wanted to start my day...

Ah, well.

Question for you all. If you were a pre-op male to female trans person, would you be comfortable using a woman's locker room? For example, before and after a gym class? I know my answer, but what do you guys and gals say?

You ever notice it sometimes feels like once one thing goes great, a bunch of other things start going great as well, and when one bad thing happens, it opens the door to a bunch of badness?

WARNING: WHAT IS TO FOLLOW IS A FRANK DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE. PLEASE BE CAREFUL READING ...

well, my mom showed me how alike we are in her reaction to the growth on the bottom of my foot.

I had a nice conversation with Sigh last night, and I just wanted to thank her publicly for talking with me, and tell everybody she is a sweet woman who I am glad to consider a friend.

I found this blog on de-transitioning, and thought I would share it. It bothers me, because of how similar our stories are, giving me fear that should I get the surgery, I'll only end up doing what he's doing ...

http://retransition.org/2013/10/detransition-transsexual-reg...

Well, last night I was having a conversation with Jaci, when out of the blue I started shaking and crying. I bawled and bawled for about twenty minutes, while Jaci just let me go at it, but finally I wound down enough to regain some control again, at which point I wanted to know why this happened. Jaci thinks this was because of the tension I had going into my physical finally coming out, but I'm not so sure that's the only reason.

Ah, well.

Well, I think I am giving up on Fictionmania. The last couple of stories I've posted there have received no comments at all.

It will come as no great shock to regular readers of this blog to find out I struggle with feelings of worthlessness at times.