Well, I am one hurting girl.

Well, today is Canadian Thanksgiving, and has become tradition, I will list some of the things I'm thankful for:

For Kyile: Because she has become something precious to me.

Here is an interesting article about the use of trans people as horror movie villains

http://www.autostraddle.com/whos-afraid-of-the-big-bad-trans...

I've worked very hard to become harmless.

I have said here before that for most of my life I hated Halloween. I always felt like I couldnt go out as a girl because I might cause people to wonder about my masculinity, or rather my lack of the same.

But now, for some reason, I find myself wishing I could afford a costume and knew of a good adult Halloween party I could go to. But, lack of money, and lack of somewhere safe I could go means I will be on the sidelines when for the first time I actually want to be the game ...

ah, well.

One of the harder parts of this transition is trying to drown out the negative "voices", basically telling me "you have the body of a male, how can you be a girl? How are you ever going to be sure you're not just fooling yourself?"

Thankfully, the conversations I have had with my mom about how I would slip up and act like a girl even before I got raped are helping me.

Bit by bit, day by day, I think I'm getting better.

you might be sick of reading autobiographical stories by me, but I have an idea for at least one more.

I spent some time talking with my pastor today, talking about being trans, being a survivor of sexual abuse, where I am now, and my desire to find a way to give back to others for all the help I have been given.

A coupe of interesting things came out of it; first, she wanted to re-assure me that from the first time she met me she found I "radiated a feminine energy" so she had no doubt that I am a girl.

Yesterday I found out on facebook that another trans woman had committed suicide, after I sent my prayers for her family and friends, all I could think of was "That could have been me." See, I'm in the 41 percent of trans people who have made an attempt on their own life, and it can only be described as a miracle that I am still here.

And that would suck, because then I would have missed out on all the amazing things that have started to happen since I started transitioning, and I would have caused grief and pain to the people I love for no good reason.

Some more random thoughts:

Feeling very down regarding making my faith fit my need to transition. In fact, I'm feeling pretty down generally.

Doesnt matter. Got to keep going regardless.

well, its official. I am scared of my own brain.

I was waiting to pick up my ex at her work, and as sometimes happens, I began to nap.

You ever start writing a story, and feel sure you know what direction its heading, only to have the story head off in a completely different direction?

Well, apparently, my tummy has some firm ideas about what it likes, and cooked lettuce and stringy ham definitely dont make the cut. For the second day in a row, I ended up throwing up my supper because I was trying to eat more healthy.

Not good.

Not good at all....

Well, because I'm an idiot, I've managed to lose most of the hearing in my right ear.