dorothycolleen's blog

I'm trying to enjoy the now

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I got a package from the clinic where, God willing, I will be getting my SRS done. While I could spend my time wishing and dreaming about the day I'm post-op, I've decided to take another approach. I'm going to enjoy the now, be grateful for what I have, and try my best to keep looking on the bright side of things. I will probably slip once in a while, and sometimes, I will suffer from depression or PTSD attacks, but I'm really going to do my best to keep my head up.

Wish me luck, okay?

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Am I getting my "girl card" punched too easy?

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I'm sure that some non-trans woman reading this blog will sniff and say I'm getting my girl card punched way too easily. I mean, there are a few things cisgendered girls go through I will never deal with. The most obvious example is periods - I will never know the "joy" of bleeding, of feeling bloated, cramped, and so on that accompanies having a monthly cycle. I'm sure said woman can add other things as well, but before she gets too carried away with herself, there are a couple of things I have gone through most cisgendered women never would.

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My blood pressure has dropped

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Well, yesterday I mentioned that wearing a skirt felt so good I could feel my blood pressure drop, and it turns out that wasnt a figurative statement. I went to get my estrogen prescription refilled and used the blood pressure machine while I waited, and my blood pressure was 109/88 - a significant drop from before where I was hovering around the danger zone.

too bad I cant wear skirts all the time, but ah, well.

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nice to have a day in skirts

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Well, today I didn't have to work, I didn't have Sam, and I didnt even have to pick up the ex, so I took full advantage and spent the day in a skirt. Ahh.... I can feel my blood pressure lowering .....

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"Snapshots"

"Snapshots" is the word I use to describe most of my stories. When I get it right, I can invoke a mood, or an idea, but do it in as few words as I can manage. They are not usually intended to give a lot of details (to do that would be like comparing the story to a movie rather than a snapshot), but instead force the reader to fill in some of the descriptions for themselves, individualizing the story to an extent.

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Doing a lot better today

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well, after having a conversation with my mom, I feel a lot better about the car situation. Its going to be tight for a bit, but we can make it, and I will have a reliable car which I need to keep working.

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Serious crisis

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I am in serious crisis. my car's bumper finally fell off, and in a panic I went to my dealership and got talked into a new car, and honestly, its more a month than I think I can handle. I dont know what to do. I signed the paperwork, I'm committed, and I'm close to calling a crisis line ....

Help?

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Met Queen Ruth today

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Well, today I had an awesome day. Queen Ruth (who is a reader here, for those who dont know her) happened to be in town, so we met at the mall talked for a couple of hours, walked around the mall and just before I was to leave, she went and bought me a crucifix.

She really helped me with my anxiety over the surgery too, so that was nice.

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My church made me cry today

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My church made me cry today. They said they were going to hand out a small present to all the WOMEN in attendance, and gave out carnations.

Guess who got one?

Me.

I wept.

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I am in loooooove .....

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I dont know when it started, but I found myself thinking about Kylie while I'm at work. I can picture her face, hear her voice, remember things we've said to each other, and its .... Oh lord, I am in loooooove ....

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2 steps forward

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2 big moments happened in the last couple of days. First, on Saturday night one of my co-workers asked if I wanted to go with a group from work to the new Star Trek movie when it comes out. This is a big deal, because its the first social event I've ever been invited to as Dorothy.

The other moment happened today. As part of prep for a possible move, I took the last of my male clothes to a local charity, and it felt like the last goodbye to Todd, which is about time, I think.

Both good steps forward, dont you think?

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being pre-op and horny

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I was reading Gwen's post about being horny post-op, and it seems like ironic timing. This afternoon I woke up rather ... randy myself, but unfortunately I dont have the right equipment to Jill off, and touching the stuff I got is like ... ick.

Ah, well.

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3/4 of the way through "She's not there"

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I'm about 3/4 of the way through "She's not there", and its a tough bit to read. I mean, the early stuff, the early struggle with identity, the fight against oneself, the hope that falling in love would cure oneself, finding a partner and building a life only to realize that it didnt take the urge to be a woman away; all this is stuff I can really relate to. But this is the part where she's just about to have the surgery, and from here on, its going to be territory with which I have no link to, and might never know. But I'll grit my teeth and get through it.

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dreams

I have been thinking a bit about dreams lately. I know that dreams may not tell you much about your past or your future, but I think they sort of point to where you are at the moment.

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not gonna be my best day today

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Today is not going to be a good day for me. I have an endocrinology appointment at 11 so I'm going to get next to no sleep, I forgot about the blood test I was supposed to have done before the appointment and need the results asap, and generally, I feel like a dope for forgetting about this.

Ah, well.

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"How should one address a Dorothy?"

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Had an interesting conversation with my store's HR person last night, and she mentioned that when it was announced I was coming to the store, a few people came to her unsure how to address me as my trans status was known to them. She said "Well, her name is Dorothy. How would you address someone named Dorothy?"

The person said they should use female pronouns.

The HR lady said, "then do that for this Dorothy. If there's a problem, I'm sure she'll say something."

Gee, when you put it like that, it sounds so easy ....

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return of face pain

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well, my cluster headaches have returned. See, just before I started transitioning, I started getting these mysterious pains in my face, centered on just below my right eye. Eventually they found out that they were "cluster headaches", sort of like migraines but different spot, and that they were stress-related.

They went away when I started my transition, probably because I took a serious part of my stress off my plate by living authentically, but I guess it was too much to hope for that they wouldn't ever come back.

Ah, well

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being scared of success

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As my life seems to be heading in a positive direction, I face a strange fear - a fear of success. I think its basically, that any situation you're in, if you're in it long enough, starts to feel like "home", and leaving "home" becomes scary, even if "home" is something horrible. So the idea of actually being a successful adult is kinda scary for me.

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My boss thinks I could be promoted someday?

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well, last night, I was being left in charge of "zoning", which basically means making sure the shelves are clean, neat, and that the product is as close to the lip as possible. While this was going on, my supervisor told me that the reason why she was pushing me hard on getting it perfect was because she believes I have the potential to move up into a supervisor's role, should I wish to make that a goal. So I told her my long term plan would include me doing a less physical job, and she said she would talk to people and see about getting the ball rolling for me toward that end.

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