As if dealing with my friend Kylie's apparent decision to kill herself wasnt enough stress, things are piling up around here.

The bible says "All things work for the good of those who believe", but how can my being trans work for the good? What good can come out this kind of struggle?

well, I had my first all day group counselling today, and it was pretty good. After spending time doing some self-evaluation paperwork, I was able to join the group for the 2nd "class" of the day - which was all about early warning signs of an oncoming emotional crisis, and what you do to nip one in the bud. After lunch, we had a class on boundaries and trying to learn to be neither too soft or too hard in making them. Then for our last class of the day we discussed time management and making priorities.

Well, right now, I'm plodding away at "Jake goes for help". Its a really tough story for me, for obvious reasons, so I can only do so much and then I need a break from it. But I'm hoping to have Chapter 4 finished by the start of the new year, and my basic outline has maybe 2 chapters thereafter before the story ends. I have tentatively planned to have a flashback chapter as a totally separate chapter, so those who would have trouble dealing with such things can skip it without missing much of the story.

I'm looking for a story. Its about a student who resents their teacher trying to make them stand out, and so transforms them into a sexy woman.

Well, last night, we had our Christmas dinner, and it was wonderful. There was a moment, when my daughter was on one side of me, my mom on the other, my brother and sister behind, and the dog in front, and I realized just how blessed I am, that here I was, literally surrounded by love, even in the midst of my transition which gives my family fits.

Once upon a time, I created a character named Fluke and described her as "the luckiest woman alive" but I think that title really belongs to me instead.

Well, I had to spend my Christmas money on buying a new battery for my car. Ah well, had to be done.

Well, I just got home from seeing the psychologist about doing the day program in the new year, and it went well. For now, the plan is that I would join the groups on my days off, and we'll go from there.

Baby steps, baby steps ....

Had a nice conversation at work last night. Was talking to a woman who knows a bit of my history and mentioned struggling with finding guys attractive, and gave as an example one of the receivers at work who passed me the day before in a tight white t shirt and me doing a double take, and then freaking out about it.

She giggled, and said a guy dressed like that is asking to be looked at, and that got me giggling, and I felt much better about the whole thing.

I'm watching "A Muppet Christmas Carol", and its as good now as it ever was.

I know my latest story is dark, and probably not everybody's cup of tea. Frankly, its really hard to write too, so I'll be trying to wrap it up as fast as I can.

Well, my car wouldnt start last night, and I probably didnt handle it well. I got a ride home from a friend, being unable to find the number for my road-side service company, and afraid that a tow truck would take forever in this kind of weather.

I focused on going home, figuring my best chance of thinking straight would be after getting a nights sleep, but I should have realized my mom would panic and wake me up and freak out when she realized the car wasnt home.

I just came home from seeing the gender doc, and while it was a good visit, I'm awfully shaky, as I spent most of the visit talking about my rape. That was because I was trying to find out what resources might be available for me outside of the rape crisis center, and as it happens, there is some.

The program they're recommending for me is called "Partial hospitalization", but its less scary than it sounds - its a group therapy session that takes a couple of hours during the day and works with a variety of problems.

I miss my friend Kylie. Its funny, I go stretches where I'm okay, and then something happens to remind me of her, and its like I think "I'd love to talk to her about this" and then I remember she's not in my life anymore, and I grieve all over again.

Ah, well.

I've been working on what the weight loss place gave me for "homework", and in a week, I have already lost some weight. Hard to tell exactly how much on my home scale, but its a lot closer to 270 lbs than to 280 lbs, which is what I was a week ago.

I can do this, I can do this ....