There are people here who know firsthand about sexual abuse. Some of them have backgrounds that make my childhood seem like a Sunday picnic.

Well, I'm going to confess something, and every non-trans woman and transitioned trans woman will have the right to laugh at me for it.

I'm struggling with the hormones.

Well, yesterday was a real mixed bag day. First, I woke up with a story idea, and had it written and published in about an hour, and since it was a happy romance story, I got an extra buzz from being able to write something other than darkness.

Then, I went to my local trans support group and got the bad news that three of the founding members were quitting the group, and suggesting that the group disband entirely. Not sure where that leaves me for support, but ah, well.

Well, Kylie's friend Jade got a hold of me to yell at me for failing Kylie. Can't say much. She's right. I could have done more. But she's also wrong. In the end, only Kylie could have made the choice to not give up. Nothing we said or did would have made as much of a difference as her having the will to live. Of course knowing that doesnt make me feel any less guilty....

I got even worse news about Kylie tonight. Her best friend messaged me on Facebook, and told me that the local sheriff had come by. Apparently, Kylie had told the shelter where she was living that she was moving in with her friend, and the shelter was quite concerned about her mental state. And since her friend had not even heard from her much less have her show up, it seems clear to me that she had this well planned so no one could possibly stop her.

I wrote a poem in tribute to her:

"Dont give up" she said,

The last words from her lip

As if dealing with my friend Kylie's apparent decision to kill herself wasnt enough stress, things are piling up around here.

The bible says "All things work for the good of those who believe", but how can my being trans work for the good? What good can come out this kind of struggle?

well, I had my first all day group counselling today, and it was pretty good. After spending time doing some self-evaluation paperwork, I was able to join the group for the 2nd "class" of the day - which was all about early warning signs of an oncoming emotional crisis, and what you do to nip one in the bud. After lunch, we had a class on boundaries and trying to learn to be neither too soft or too hard in making them. Then for our last class of the day we discussed time management and making priorities.

Well, right now, I'm plodding away at "Jake goes for help". Its a really tough story for me, for obvious reasons, so I can only do so much and then I need a break from it. But I'm hoping to have Chapter 4 finished by the start of the new year, and my basic outline has maybe 2 chapters thereafter before the story ends. I have tentatively planned to have a flashback chapter as a totally separate chapter, so those who would have trouble dealing with such things can skip it without missing much of the story.

I'm looking for a story. Its about a student who resents their teacher trying to make them stand out, and so transforms them into a sexy woman.

Well, last night, we had our Christmas dinner, and it was wonderful. There was a moment, when my daughter was on one side of me, my mom on the other, my brother and sister behind, and the dog in front, and I realized just how blessed I am, that here I was, literally surrounded by love, even in the midst of my transition which gives my family fits.

Once upon a time, I created a character named Fluke and described her as "the luckiest woman alive" but I think that title really belongs to me instead.

Well, I had to spend my Christmas money on buying a new battery for my car. Ah well, had to be done.

Well, I just got home from seeing the psychologist about doing the day program in the new year, and it went well. For now, the plan is that I would join the groups on my days off, and we'll go from there.

Baby steps, baby steps ....

Had a nice conversation at work last night. Was talking to a woman who knows a bit of my history and mentioned struggling with finding guys attractive, and gave as an example one of the receivers at work who passed me the day before in a tight white t shirt and me doing a double take, and then freaking out about it.

She giggled, and said a guy dressed like that is asking to be looked at, and that got me giggling, and I felt much better about the whole thing.

I'm watching "A Muppet Christmas Carol", and its as good now as it ever was.