For those of you who havent heard yet, Jim Sandusky, the former assistant coach of the Pen State has been sentenced to between 30 and 60 years in prison for molesting young boys.

One of my co-workers told me I'm kind of an ambassador, which I kinda struggled with as a concept.

I was reading this book about a woman who has a breakdown on my breaks at work, and it got me thinking about visiting my brother in the mental ward when we were both kids.

Well, last night at work, we were sharing some stories about our respective childhoods, and I talked about snapping and almost killing my stepfather, ending with the statement "I'm dangerous."

I phoned the doctor's office about the stuff they were supposed to send to the gender specialist, and they dont have any record of the stuff at all. Nothing in my file except I came in for a full work-up, nothing else.

I honestly dont know what to do now.

My best option I think is to get the stuff from the gender doc again, go to a different doctor and go through the whole thing again, but considering I suffered a week of flashbacks after the last time, I would rather not.

This.... sucks.

I just got back from the gender specialist, and while everything else is go, they never received from my family doctor the results of my physical.

I

AM

NOT

HAPPY

I've had a few people compliment me on my transition, calling me "brave", and it got me thinking - Am I actually being brave, doing this?

"The Echo chamber"

Right now, I'm in manic mode, and you'd think that would be good news compared to being depressed, and there are some benefits to it, but there are risks too.

Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

Well, last night I managed to have a serious brain fart that's going to have me eating crow for a while.

Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.