dorothycolleen's blog

So tired of being asked to choose

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I've been having an email conversation with my brother's pastor, who thinks this transition is a sin. I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never be accepted by my faith, and that I must choose between being a Christian, and being transgender. Ask me which leg I'd rather have removed, it would be an easier choice ...

Ah, well.

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Being a blessing

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As I have noted before, I've been amazingly blessed in this journey, and now I would like to turn that situation around, and be a blessing in return. So this is my prayer at the moment:

Dear Lord, make me a blessing. Use me to bring good to the lives around me. And make me into the kind of woman who is a good example of what You can do with a willing heart.

Amen.

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about "Cindy's Choices"

As most of you know, I like to try different things with my writing, some work, some dont. With my latest piece, I wanted to create an interactive story, where the readers would determine what happens next. Based on the number of kudos, I'd say it didnt come off as well as I could have hoped.

Ah, well.

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about "Understanding Rachel"

Just wanted to share a bit about my latest piece, "Understanding Rachel". It came about as I was on the phone with Tels, and suddenly I looked at how I was sitting. Without thinking about it, I had slipped into a very feminine posture. Even my mom noticed, and started calling me a teenage girl. So after my phone call, I started writing it down, and the story just flowed from there. I hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks to those who have commented.

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Had a productive day

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well, I had a productive day off today. I took a load of my old boy clothes to a charity, and then took my bottles to the depot to be recycled. The lady at the depot called me Ma'am, which was a nice touch. Then I took the money I had made and got a pedicure done, which really made me very happy, even if I found the lady who worked on me rather brusk. The end result of it was I now have radioactive pink toenails, which will keep me smiling for a bit.

Nice to actually get some stuff done, you know?

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having a "I hate my body" day

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yesterday at work while I was in the washroom, I stood up, and for a moment saw myself pants down in the mirror, seeing everything. I dont think I could possibly explain how ugly that part of me seems to me, how ... wrong it feels to have male parts.

I actually cried at the sight.

Sigh.

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spent the day femmed up

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well, I planned to meet a friend for lunch today, so I got a little femmed up for the occasion - skirt, hose, heels, necklace, lipstick and eye shadow. I had a nice lunch, and am doing my laundry with no hurry to change into pants for work. Its hard for me to explain to someone who isnt trans how .... nice a feeling this is.

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went to a bible study last night

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went to a bible study run by my brother's church last night. It was pretty good, and they called me Dorothy without hesitation. Not sure what they thought about the whole thing, it simply never came up. But the end result is I got what I want more than anything else - to treated like the woman I am.

All in all, not bad.

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Fighting back from depression

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Well, despite the temptation to wallow in feeling down, I'm fighting back. Yeah, sometimes, life sucks, but you got to carry on. Its not in good times you find out who you are, but how you deal with troubles. So I'm going to keep fighting to find positive things in my life, no matter how hard I have to look. I'm a stronger woman than my fears would have me believe, and I can do this.

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had a tour of the school Sam will be going to

Well, I just came home from a tour of the school Sam will be going to in September. It looks fantastic. I think she'll do well there.

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making progress on my story

well, I'm making some progress on my "quest" story. I've now done 20 chapters, almost 30,000 words. I've also got a "road map" so I know basically where the story is going from here. The way I see it, it should take 5 more chapters to wrap things up, and if I can average just over 2,000 words per, I'll go over the magic 40,000 word mark, and have an honest-to-goodness novel on my hands.

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frustrated with the local election

Well, things could get very dicey here after the election. One of the candidates of the party most likely to win is on record as saying gays and lesbians will burn in hell. Now, he's trying to say he said that as a pastor, not as a politician, but the party is also on record as saying it will allow marriage commissioners to not recognize a gay couple that comes in to get married, even though gay marriage is perfectly legal here.

Sigh.

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I'm not doing as well as I thought?

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Well, yesterday I went to the trans group pot-luck, and it was good, but apparently, my friends there are worried about me. They told me they can see both the manic and the depression, and that I need to get it under control, or I risk something bad happening.

Now, the person I was would have said, "Serves me right for opening up. I try to be honest, and they think I'm nuts." and would have withdrawn from the group.

But I'm trying to be a better person now, and sometimes, that means I have to be able to know when people are trying to tell me hard truths to help me.

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a "footprints" moment

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You may be familiar with a poem called "Footprints" where a person looks back on their life and realizes how often God carried them through hard times. Well, God has been walking me through some "footprints" moments the last little while. Not so much about hard times, but just how He has put me in just the right place at just the right time to receive a blessing. I could give lots of examples, but two really stand out for me. First is the very existence and presence in my life of my daughter.

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Is being trans a blessing?

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I was listening to the radio the other day, and this woman was talking about being able to see blessings even in some hard times. Now considering she had been raped by her father, that's pretty amazing ability. So it got me thinking, can I find a blessing in being trans? Well, maybe there are some. I think I've become more patient of the failings of others, and more grateful for the moments of femininity I get than I probably would have been if I had been born fully female.

Maybe, as I grow as both a woman and a Christian, I will find even more blessings. I pray it will be so.

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my life at the moment

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I'm not sure how best to describe what its like for me, to finally be able to push past fear and live as the woman I know I am, especially on days when I can get a little bit femmed up. I just feel so at peace with myself, so nice, so RIGHT ... How did I ever go so many years without it? Ah, well, better late than never, right?

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a lttle shaky thanks to a conversation online

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well, I'm a little shaky thanks to a conversation with someone on the support site I belong to. She told me she was being used by her own father for sex, something she described in some detail, and she refused any idea of reporting him or stopping him.

I ache in grief for her, but I had to let her go because considering my background, it was all I could do to not throw up while she was talking, and I got very upset at her lack of interest in helping herself.

Ah, well.

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a good session at the rape center

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well, I had a good session today at the rape center, and I fell as good as can be, considering. We talked about my nightmares, and my therapist said it actually represents some signs of progress, because in each dream, I intended to act, rather than simply freeze. Baby steps, I guess.

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two nice moments last night

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Well, had a couple of very nice moments yesterday. First, while taking out the garbage before going to work, and the person who lives at the end of my row came out with a small dog, who had to give me a sniff. He said, "Dont worry puppy - she's a nice lady."

Now, I was dressed in my work shirt and pants under my coat, no wig, no makeup, and this guy who has no idea about me called me a lady which made me actually start to cry with happiness, and then when I got to work a co-worker complimented me on my hair which just about sent me over the moon.

Things are getting better, yes?

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Happy Resurrection Sunday, everyone

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Well, today is the highest and holiest day in the Christian calender, Resurrection Sunday, when Jesus rose from the dead. May the day bring you joy and peace, and much blessings to all from Dorothy.

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answering a pollster's questions in a skirt

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well, I just had a funny moment. I was just chilling doing my laundry and wearing a skirt when the doorbell rang, and it turned out to be a pollster. I answered his questions, which included the gender of my mom as the only other person living here, but he didnt actually ask me my gender. I wonder what he wrote down?

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Being an Easter orphan

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This one of the times of the year when I miss being part of a church, and struggle with my status as a "spiritual orphan". But I'm going to do my best to not let it get me down with God's help.

Happy Good Friday, everyone.

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Snow, and a field trip with my daughter

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Well, it snowed here last night, giving everything a wintery look that looks pretty as long as one is inside. But I'm going to be out in it today, as I'm going with my daughter's class on a field trip to the school she will be attending in September. Could be a lot of fun, or not.

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learning from a painful memory

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Well, last night some co-workers and I were talking, and the subject of sex ed came up. Suddenly, i had something like a flashback of taking sex ed in elementary myself, and realizing for the first time that the equipment I had in my pants wasnt suddenly going to drop off leaving me with a nice girl set. (Until we were taught better, that seemed to be the prevailing opinion on how girls got made) I suddenly remembered being actually sick with grief afterward, but not really knowing why.

Take that for what it is, I guess.

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