When I heard the awful news about a shooting at a midnight premier of "The Dark Knight Rises", I was filled with grief for the victims. Then I found out it had taken place in Aurora, a town I know well, because I lived there for a year. Somehow that made it worse, and I wept openly as the news trickled in about the horrible day.

My prayers are for the victims, their families, and the first responders who managed to bring the shooter in alive to face trial.

Now dont mind me, I think I still have a few tears left to shed.

Well, my vacation is over, and tonight I go back to work. It will probably be a tough week as we will no doubt be short staffed from vacations, and I wont be used to that level of exercise, but I'll just have to do my best and get back in work shape as fast as I can.

well, I spent yesterday with my daughter, taking her to see the new "Ice Age" movie, and then we spent some time playing badminton together. All in all, very nice day, but it had a couple of stressful moments. The biggest came when Sam suggested we do a picnic with her and the two boys who are the children of my ex's best friend. It was only after she made the suggestion that she realized my trans status might cause a difficulty for them, and so withdrew the suggestion.

Well, over the last two days I've had two very different conversations with two very different men, and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I had a conversation with one of my neighbors, that started with him asking me how I was doing, and when I said I was hanging in there, he said "not for much longer, right?"

Turns out he was talking about my SRS.

So we had a laugh, and a good conversation on the whole subject and I felt very relieved, because I didnt know how he'd react.

Well, today I two moments that felt like feminine milestones, but I reacted quite differently to each of them. First, when I was eating supper, I brushed my arm against my breasts and suddenly felt all sorts of confusing feelings as my body reacted to the contact. I liked it, I was scared of it, and it took my friend Jaci several minutes of talking to me on the phone to restore some semblance of balance.

My mom found out last night that our little group of rental houses (condos?, not sure, they are connected one to the other, is that a condo?) are going to be sold off. Nobody know for sure what that means, but its possible they want to turn these from rental properties to ownership ones, in which case we wouldnt be able to stay here. My poor mom is panicking, and between that and the big storm we had last night that hailed out her flowers, she's having a rough day.

Well, I had my last session at the rape center. We reminisced about the first time I went to her office in female clothes, and how far I've come since then. She also told me to try not to worry about times like I had the other day, its actually a good sign that I was able to get some of that stuff out of me, but maybe I should switch to adult mode when they happen to access the skills I've learned in my sessions.

One day at a time, that's all I can do, right?

I went to Wal-Mart today in my nice new blouse and skirt, and got to chatting with the people on either side of the line up at the pharmacy counter. Then I strolled through a farmer's market, and then stopped on my way home to get a glass of lemonade from a kid's stand. At no point did anyone seem to give me so much as a double take, which once upon a time I would have said was simply impossible for me - there was simply no way I could pass.

Funny how wrong a person can be, isnt it?

Well, I just came back from my 2nd opinion. They called me in just as I was leaving to see the endo doc. He's recommending me for the SRS. So now I just wait until December when I see my regular gender specialist, and he will put me on the waiting list.

I think I'm in shock, it doesnt seem real yet...

I'm so happy I'm crying

I had a nasty flashback/nightmare today (I sleep days, because I work nights).

It was so bad I actually threw myself off my bed and woke up on the floor.

I'm so dam tired of this ....

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be an ancient 46 years old. I missed being a Canada day baby by a couple of hours, apparently, but ah, well.

I doubt very much that when my mom carried home this tiny baby boy she ever dreamed that 45 years later she'd be shoe shopping for Mary Jane flats with him ...

Her acceptance of me is one of the blessings in my life, but I have a lot of those, and I'm trying to remember to be more grateful for them. You never know when one of them may go away, after all.

Happy Canada Day, everyone.

My mom started fooling around with my hair last night, and now I have an honest-to-goodness pony tail. The ex had a bit of a freak out about it, but that's to be expected.

I kinda like it, though.

Why do I still struggle with my identity? Well, there are a few reasons why. First, because there is nothing feminine in my body - no intersex condition, no lack of testosterone, none of that, which keeps me wondering where does this fem thing come from?

Second, because of my rape and other nasty events in my life, I would be a good candidate for gender issues if environment plays any role at all, so the question becomes, "Would I feel the same if I had been blessed with some positive male role models?"

Since the possibility of me being able to get SRS has gone up, I find I've been reacting super emotionally to the subject. I tear up talking about it, and even just writing about it is hard because I start crying. I'm scared of the pain, the discomfort, the whole thing, but I want it, I NEED IT ....

Oh crap. Here comes the water works ....

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, I went to my daughter's grad, and it went really well, which was the good part of the day. Best of all, I wore female clothes, (abet very androgynous ones), and didnt have an issue with my ex or my daughter.

The better happened about halfway through my shift - Some of you might remember me blogging a couple of years back while I was working for Zellers about working in the Health and Beauty section, and getting depressed looking at the pretty women on the boxes.