I've been thinking about what the counselor said to me about having some kind of mourning ritual for the things of my past. Obviously, I couldnt do all of them in one go, so the first thing I would need to do is try and separate them out so I can tackle them one at at time. With that in mind, I've created a little grief list, and here it is, in chronological order:

1: my father's death. How do I say goodbye to someone I knew more by their absence than their presence ?

Well, tomorrow is going to be a very, very busy day. I get off work at 7 am, go to counseling, and then go to Sam's birthday party (we're holding it at a bowling alley.) So I probably wont be online. Stay safe, everyone.

I was reading a story that mentioned some things that girls apparently do instinctively, and it set off a round of "TG PMS" where I found myself wondering - do I do those things? Did I do them as a child? And what if I didnt, what does that make me? I'll be okay, it will pass, but it sucks.

I'm kinda stuck in terms of a transition. I cant change my name until I get my birth certificate, and I 'm stuck waiting for the forms. But I'm feeling desperate to feel like I'm making progress, and I dont know what else I can do in the meantime.

Ah, well.

I've noticed that as my body slowly feminizes, I'm getting better in terms of dealing with self-doubt. I feel so much .... lighter now I cant understand why I fought against this for so long. But it hasnt been all sunshine and roses. For example, today I was out walking our dog with my daughter, and had to introduce myself by my male name for my daughter's sake, and I actually choked saying it.

Ah, well.

One of the biggest improvements I've noticed is with my hair. Not only is it softer than its been in years (feels like silk to the touch, no lie), but its now long enough that I can actually feel it move. I'll be walking along, and I can feel my hair bounce, and it feels so feminine and just ... right. Like something I hadnt even realized was missing has been returned to me.

Now, if I could only do something about the bald spot in the front....

Just wanted to give a public thank-you to Tels who took time yesterday to talk to me by phone. Thank you hon.

Well, I managed to hurt my shoulder pulling skids at work last night. I'm starting to worry I'm not up to this job physically, and if I lose it, then what?

I was chatting with my friend Kylie yesterday on IMVU while my daughter was over, and she cuddled up close to me and watched me typing.

She looked at the avi of Kylie, and asked "Is she like you?"

I said, pointing at our avatars, "she's a pretty girl, like I am, see?"

My daughter then said, "No. Is she .... Like you?"

I said Yes, she's a boy on the outside, but a girl on the inside."

She just held on to me, and said nothing.

Does this mean she's getting the idea about me?

I had forgot to mention a little incident that happened between my ex and my mom on Thursday night. They had a open house at the school my daughter will attend next year, and after a presentation, they were supposed to take a tour in small groups starting with the people at the back of the auditorium. My ex, my mom, and my daughter were at the front, but my ex grabbed my daughter and ran to join the first group, leaving my mom behind. Unable to keep up, my mom decided to skip the tour entirely and went to her car to wait.

You know, not that long ago, I would be moaning over my status as being somewhere between male and female. But I seem to have found a kind of peace about where I am right now. Good thing, since this is the level that I will probably be stuck at for the rest of my natural, since surgery is out of my reach.

Sure, it would be nice to be able to go to the pool without being a freak, but that's life.

I'm Dorothy, and I dont need no stinking surgery to know that.

As I had said before, my latest story has turned into something a lot more autobiographical than I had originally intended. So that creates a problem. How the heck am I going to get this poor girl out of this mess? And will it be at all interesting to anybody but me?

I had not intended this when I started writing "Six Forty-five", but its a lot closer to what I was like at that age than I care to think about. I was a pretty odd kid, yeah?

Reading Karen Bishop's story has had me thinking about memory - especially my memories of my abuse. For most of my life, I had little conscious recall of what happened to me, mostly it was something that I only had flashes and nightmares about. Now, I can remember, and I think that's better, but its been a painful journey, and I'm not done yet.

Ah, well.

I'm really struggling with the voice of self-criticism. Every mistake I make lately is being magnified to something terminal, and I dont know how to turn off this voice.

Help?