Well, I just got back from the endocrinology doctor, and he has doubled my prescription of estrogen. Maybe now I'll start seeing some results.

As for the letter I'm writing for my ex, I'm still working on it. I really, really need to find to a way to approach this with her. Right now, I'm struggling with finding the right words. Ah, well, it will come.

Had one of my female co-workers come into work with the best excuse for missing time I've heard - She was told by her husband of 10 plus years, a man with whom she has two kids, that he couldn't live with a "incomplete" woman anymore. (She has lost the bottom half of one leg to disease and works with an artificial one.) My immediate gut reaction was "Men suck". Afterward, I chided myself, and remembered I know a number of very good men, and have met some pretty awful women.

Well, I just wanted to share the story that had given me a tough day until Bailey cheered me up:

http://www.edmontonsun.com/2012/01/06/no-sex-please-union-ex...

Nobody has commented on my latest. Oh well, they cant all be winners ...

Some random thoughts:

I was watching the first season of "Heroes" the other day. I'm a lot like Peter from that show - I was the family screw-up while my brother overcame our background to become a success. And yet he would drop everything to help me in any way possible.

I wonder where my poetry muse went? Its been a long time since I've written a new original piece.

My ex hasnt noticed the earrings yet. I wonder how big my front will get before she notices that?

In the entry before last, I compared my transition to a journey. Keeping with that theme, here is a list of some stuff I hope I've got packed for my particular journey:

Patience. There are going to be lots of times when I'll feel like I'm standing still, so I'll need this.

Persistence - Its a long trip, and I know I'll be tempted to quit, so I'll really have to have some of this packed.

A sense of humor - I'm going to make mistakes, maybe even make a fool of myself sometimes. Having this will help a lot.

You know, waaaaaay back when I sometimes gave in to my need to be a girl, I would just assume becoming one was pretty much impossible anyway. I could look with envy at the lives of females, but I could never have one. I would look down that path, and see impassible mountains and large guarded gates between me and my desired destination. But now that I'm finally trying to make it happen, I'm finding it almost easy. Those "mountains" are turning into gentle hills, those "gates" are not only unguarded, but unlocked, and open at a touch.

There are a lot of clubs in the world. There are dance clubs, and country clubs, athletic clubs and book clubs. And then there is this club. Some famous people are members. Oprah is, for example. Its not exclusive, but it sure can cost to be a member. But once you're in, you belong for life. There isn't a secret handshake, but some members say they can recognize a fellow member without them saying a word.

What is this club?

The sexually abused.

One club nobody ever wants to join, but estimates say 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will become members.

I am coming to recognize how I have allowed the events of my past to make me paralyzed in the present. After having my ability to act or think or feel for myself broken, its going to take some doing to learn how to take charge and to no longer be a victim. Its not going to be easy to break this, but break it I must, if I want to be more than a pinball in a pinball machine, as a friend said. I have to learn to trust myself to make decisions, to live with the consequences, and to stop being a deer in the headlights, because we all know how that turns out.

think we've all asked that question on occasion. But maybe it has special meaning for trans people like me. More than anything, I feel a need to know if my gender issues were caused by my rape, or would I have them regardless? I believe I was always going to be Dorothy, no matter what, but I don't know that there is any way to be 100 % sure while I'm still alive. The only real proof I have that I am on the right track is that I have made significant progress in dealing with my past, and there's no sign of a decrease in how much I want to be a woman physically.

She and I were talking on the BC chat site, and she made me a pretty little Lolita dress. Since then, my mental age has been about seven or so - I spent the rest of the night on the chat site looking for my teddy and trying to get people to join me for a tea party. Okay, so it was fun to let my inner girl out like that, but now I worry she wont want to go back in ....

Ah, well.

We were on coffee break, and one of my co-workers told me this story: She had tried to explain who I am and what I'm doing to her daughter, who is 11. The girl said, "So he is a boy who wants to be a girl?" Then she paused and said, "Smart." I thought it was kinda cute and funny.

I know I've been a bit of a Negative Nelly lately, and as good as it might be to get those kinds of feelings out on paper (or on computer screen, as the case may be, its past time for me to start focusing on the positive. So, I'm going to list all the things for which I am grateful.

This can be the worst time of year for people like me, who are trans. Far too many of us are either rejected by our families, or forced into the closet to please them, and that stings even more during this season, which is often seen as "family time." How can we endure it? More specifically, how can I?

Been struggling with a feeling of impending doom the last couple of days, which is why I wrote "Five years gone". Not sure why, but it might have to do with the stress at work and getting some negative feedback over my speed there from my supervisor. I hope I can get through this feeling, but much more importantly, I hope the doom doesnt happen.