I was thinking the other day about the band Klaatu. I grew up on their music, and I find I miss it even now. I'm not really sure why it spoke to me the way it did, but somehow, it reached me in a way that few other bands have ever managed. Its too bad they didnt have a bigger following, but maybe that was part of the appeal.

I was thinking about spring yesterday. Right now, with a sweater and a coat on every time I go out, I dont have to worry about the wrong person (ie: my ex) noticing the fact that I'm in ladies clothes. Wont be able to do that once it gets warm, so I'm not sure what I'll do.

Ah, well.

Well, I managed to hit myself in the face last night at work. Not fun.

Well, last night, before I went to work, my mom let me know that my ex mentioned reading my letter when she dropped off Sam after having her for the day. Mom said that my ex's only comment was, "Well, he'll always be Todd to me." If that's the wost that comes out of this, its a pretty darn good result.

Then, I got to work, and my supervisor passed on a compliment from the day staff in the fashion department . He said they had said, "Can we keep her?" So that made me feel pretty good.

I think I'm getting stronger, and I dont mean physical strength. One way I'm getting stronger is the ability to stop beating myself up over mistakes. For example, yesterday I started to regret getting my hair done. I realized it was not the best use of the money I had gotten for my bottles, that I had other things I should have done first. But rather than spend hours calling myself names, which would have been my response before, I simply filed the whole thing in a mental box called "stuff to learn from", and let it go.

Had a peek at some of my old entries, and I find it almost impossible to believe how far I've come in such a short time. If I was writing my life as a fiction story, everyone would say "oh, come on now! That's just not realistic!" But its actually happening, and its been almost .... easy? Like all I really had to do was just .... decide to live, to be the real me, and everything would start falling into place? I'd pinch myself, but if this is a dream, I dont want to wake up....

Okay, so this is a little weird. I'm on my way home this morning, and the song "Lose Yourself" comes on, and I just start crying, tears running down my cheeks as the song plays. I mean, I know I'm a bit more emotional than normal, but I hadnt expected that. Anybody else have a song that makes them cry for no good reason?

Well, its official. I've got aches, chills, runny nose, the works. Gonna be a bummer at work tonight.

Well, my little link about TG kids seems to have produced some interesting responses, the one everyone is talking about is the person who seems to feel disappointed that we are not all a bunch of sissy masochists. In honor of him, I wanted to produce a list of questions that would generate some anecdotal evidence that we who are transgendered actually do exist, and my own answers.

1: When did you first notice a gender variance in yourself? My memories are hazy, but my best recollection puts it just before my sexual assault, so that would be about 7 years old.

Just wanted to say sorry. It might be a while before I have a story ready for you guys, my writing has dropped to a crawl, and I'm not really sure why.

Well, something good came out of the comment my mom made at breakfast. I got a very supportive comment from my brother when I posted about it on face book, and here it is:

"To become something new the old must pass away. This is not really a bad thing. Those of us who love you, loved you as who you were, as who you are, and as who you will be. From your point of view "The Todd is dead, long live the Dot"."

Well, it feels like I passed a milestone, and it was a painful as passing a kidney stone. I went to bed, called my dog to join me, and holding on to her soft fur, I wept freely, and for some reason, kept repeating how sorry I was. Now, I think I'm a little better for it. As odd as it sounds, it feels like I accomplished something important by being able to do this.

I have a feeling that yesterday's sense of being fragile was in fact a bit of a mood swing caused by my hormones. I guess I've still got a bit to learn on womanhood, giggle.

I just wanted to take a second, and wish a Happy anniversary to my friend and fellow believer, The Rev. Anam Chara, who passed the two year mark here while the site was down. I'm so glad you came to this place, and I wish you many, many more years of bringing us your particular take on things.

I thought my piece "last entry" was dark, but the piece I just posted is worse, and to make it harder, its autobiographical. My apologies.