Well, I was thinking about "girl lessons", and I want to go into some detail on the subject. See, because of what happened to me, I not only fought against my need to be feminine like my life depended on it, whenever I did give in and let Dorothy out, I struggled with feeling like I could never really be a girl anyway - never look like one, never really act like one. Compliments like the one I got yesterday are helping me move past those anxieties, but very, very slowly, and it still comes up on occasion. So keep cheering Team Dorothy, its really making a difference....

Well, the last couple of days, I've been arguing with my muse, and its been going like this:

Me: Time to get working on "Quest"

Her: I'm bored of that story. I wanna do something else.

Me: Like what?

Her: Like a sequel to "The Dead Kid,"

Me: Hmmm. Okay, lets see what that looks like ...

(Later)

Me: I dont know, it might be too close to the first one.

Her: Not a problem. We could do another autobiographical story.

Me: I do like talking about myself...

(Later)

Well, I did a bottle run today, and took the money and got a pedicure for the first time. Even though I was in pants and without a wig, the staff treated me well, even when I asked for pink nail polish on my toes. Its funny how much a little thing like that can make me feel so much better.

Well, either my ex didn't notice my wig, or she chose to not mention it when I picked her up last night. Part of me is breathing a sigh of relief, the other part of me realizes all this means that the confrontation is still to come ...

just a quick little apology. I may not comment much on stories for a bit. I'm trying to focus on my "Quest" story, so I may not be as active as I have been. Doesn't mean I'm not enjoying stories, but my brain is elsewhere.

Well, yesterday while I had the day off, I went back over my blog here, and its hard to believe how much has changed for me from the beginning. Then, I was still struggling with accepting myself as a woman inside, still hoping somehow I could be the male person everyone wanted me to be. And even as I started to accept myself internally, I struggled with feeling like there was nothing I could do - no way I could pass dressed as a woman, much less begin a transition, and yet here I am, on my way, able to go out unafraid, accepted at work, and even started hormones.

Well, thanks to all the loving support I get here, I'm doing better. Now with that crisis behind me (hopefully), I wanted to talk about my boy name. I'm not sure why I've been so reluctant to share it, going so far as to create a pseudonym even in my autobiographical story "night entries". I'm gonna have to mull this one for a bit.

I just wanted to send a big "thank you" to all the members of "Team Dorothy" for all your support. Huggles to all.

Well, today I see the endocrinologist and find out if I can start a hormone regimen. Wish me luck, because if I can't I honestly don't know what I can do ....

Just a note on how "Its for your own good" came about. See, I was reading Moongoddess' last chapter of "Magnetic Personality" where they tried to turn Lorna into a straight woman, and the thought came to me, "what if they had succeeded?" So I found myself having a nightmare that basically became the story. Its scary stuff, so I'm glad it was just a dream ....

I've been thinking hard about why I have such a hard time sometimes with the idea of moving forward. It has a lot of factors - a lot of fear of losing my child, some general anxiety about the necessity of this transition, to name two. But one major factor is the fact that the closer I get to being female, the closer I get to the heart of my abuse. It was the justification my attacker used for his use of me, and it led to me making a connection between being girly and being hurt. I hope I can move past that part, eventually.

Well, my muse has been a busy girl. This is where things stand for me at the moment: "Notification Service", a look at a future war between the sexes with a focus on a family caught in the crossfire - status, almost done; "Command Performance", a dark story from one of my nastier nightmares - status, being beta tested; "Quest for the Silver Cleric", which will be my D & D story - status, in progress; "Indestructible", a slightly different super-hero story - status - in progress; and story whose title I cannot reveal, because it will give the game away, but it is also in progress.

Last night, one of the janitors came up to me, and asked me why I have two names, so I told him about transitioning. He asked me which name I prefer, and I told him "Dorothy." He said, "Cool. Nice to meet you, Dorothy." Then he went on his way. Pretty cool, yes?

As I mentioned in my last entry, I got a hug from my ex last night. Well, she had also tried to get me to talk to her, and even said, "I'm not your enemy" It made me think that the time may come very soon for me to come clean with her. Too bad I'm such a scardy-cat. Ah, well.

Wednesdays are like my Saturday - I finish my week of work Tuesday morning, and am back to work Thursday night. I've already gotten my car maintenance done today, and I'm really going to enjoy having the night off tonight.