Well, I just got back from my appointment with the gender specialist's assistant. Not only will she sign off on me starting hormones, she told me I pass quite nicely. It was good to hear, and Kylie is entitled to one large "I told you so."

Well, I turned 45 this morning while at work. Its going to be a quiet day, sleeping and then going to work, so nothing much for a birthday. Doing a supper with my brother and sister in law tomorrow, and plan to be in my best skirt for the occasion, especially since I will have to leave from the restaurant and go to work. My brother and sister in law wont approve, but frankly, I don't care.

Well, I've had a bit of a setback. I phoned the gender specialist's office, and found out that I don't yet have an appointment to get my blood tested to start female hormones. Apparently, there is some question as to whether just going to work as Dorothy qualifies as a real life test or not. (Why this matters, I don't know, but there you are.) So now I have to wait and hear back from the specialist, or maybe I'll be waiting until I see him again in December to find out if I can start them anyway. ... Sigh.

Well, If I needed any proof that my daughter isnt ready for me to be out with her as Dorothy, yesterday provided it. I had woken up at 330 pm in a panic, thinking I had forgotten to pick her up from school. I hurriedly put on a t-shirt and shorts and ran out to the school, only to find her gone, picked up by my mother, who had told me she would before I went to sleep, only I had forgotten. So I went home, and they came home right after, and my daughter took one look at me and freaked out. I hadn't realized it, but I had grabbed a ladies t shirt I use as a camisole by mistake.

I think this is a good image for describing my current state. I'm climbing a mountain, at the top is "being totally female". Right now I've made some good progress, and have set up a base camp, to try and figure out the next part of my ascent. Having a safe base at the moment is wonderful, but also kind of dangerous. It would be very easy for me to be content where I am right now - being Dorothy at work, Todd around my daughter. But I know that comfort is illusion. Eventually, I have to get back to climbing, or risk falling off entirely.

I've been trying very hard to not let myself go too far into the dumps over my current circumstances. Its not easy, but I am working on it. For example, I found a replacement wallet at my work that cost exactly what I had on me. Its pink, and has all the things I need in a wallet - a change pocket, a place for bills, and of course card holders. Now, I just have to fill it with all my replacement Identifications ...

Well, as if losing my girlfriend wasnt bad enough, last night, I managed to lose my wallet. I wish I could figure out how to stop sabotaging myself. I have a hard enough road ahead of me without making things harder for myself.

For some reason, I am feeling terribly lonely this morning. I had a good day yesterday, going out for lunch with a friend, but now I feel ... empty. I wish I could have someone to hold, to hold me, someone I could whisper with in the dark when sex is not in the cards, but it seems not to be. I'm grateful for Kylie, but right now our relationship is rocky enough to accentuate my loneliness rather than relieve it. Ah, well.

I just thought to share with you all about how "Home of the Brave" came about. It started because I had found myself getting on a negative track mentally, beating myself up for my lack of courage in not dealing with the ex. This story was my way of countering that kind of negative self-talk, by reminding myself that perhaps being willing to put my own needs on hold for my daughter's sake was a kind of courage too. I hope everyone enjoyed the result.

Well, I just got back from riding in the Pride parade. My local TS group made an entry, and I got to ride in the truck and blow bubbles at people. Two things about this experience come to the front of my mind: First, being IN the parade means you dont actually see it, and second, I found it odd to have people waving and smiling at me, and taking my picture. Normally, I'm pretty shy, so it was a different experience for me. Was fun, though.

Well, I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, as I managed to hurt myself at work last night. At about 530, I pulled my groin muscle, and after trying to keep going for a few minutes, realized I was in far too much pain, and called out for help. The irony of hurting in the part of my anatomy I most wish didn't exist is not lost on me, but such is life. The good news is, I have a couple of days off to rest, and hope for a recovery. Pray for me, if you are so inclined.

Well, last night I got a couple of nice compliments at work last night. First, the night supervisor passed on a compliment from the day staff, saying they were impressed with how much freight I had been able to work into the department. Then in the morning, the day supervisor repeated that compliment, and then did something even more impressive. She was talking about my second shift where they made a mistake and put me in the wrong department, and she said ".... and I'm asking them where was SHE, SHE is mine, I need HER in my department."
 

Well, the other day, I was reading my bible at work during my lunch break. One of the other workers noticed, and started talking to me about faith. At the end of the conversation, she invited me to join a LADIES bible study group. Sadly, its not a place I can get to, but the offer was nice.

Well, I have discovered I am getting an honest-to-God side effect from my T-Blockers. Mainly, I am almost continually thirsty. I've been taking a 1 liter bottle of water to work with me, and a can of pop, and usually polish off both over the course of a night. At home, I'm drinking a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, a glass of apple juice, a TON of water, and occasionally, a pop. Darn if I can figure out where all this fluid is going, I'm not peeing THAT often.....

I just wanted to apologize for the delay in part 3 of "Between one step and the next". I felt like I had written myself into a corner, and was about to despair, but I think I see a way out now. Unfortunately, with real life being what it is at the moment, my writing time is seriously curtailed, so it will take a bit. It will come when it does, so thank you for your patience. and again, my apologies.