Well, right now, its hard to not to feel boxed in. The road to transition seems totally blocked by that wonderful thing, finances. I need a full time job if I am going to make any serious headway, and between the economy,and my commitments to my daughter, its hard to find one as Todd, and much harder to try and find one that will accept Dorothy, especially since I don't pass terribly well.

I love my mom, and I am glad that she accepts me as my daughter. but sometimes her negativity gets to me. When I told her I planned to drop off a resume as Dorothy, she became upset, and told me I had no chance of being hired, because I do not pass. It is hard enough to gather the courage to do this without her being like that, and I wish she would be more supportive.

I just wanted to share about one moment that occurred while Kylie and I were writing "A College Outing". We got to the part where Todd was going to find out Tracy's secret, and we tried to figure the best way for that to happen. But once we had set his basic personality as creepy stalker, the only way that made sense to me was some kind of attempted assault. Kylie had written quite a bit of the stuff leading up to that moment, and needed a break, so I tackled it. As most of you know, I deal with my own assault, and so we had to be careful crafting the scene.

Well, I went back to the doc who put me on anti-depressants, and other than my little "glitch" before Christmas, things are going well. So, after my time with him, I decided to go to the largest mall in the city (and indeed, one of the largest in the world), West Edmonton Mall, dressed. I still had a 50 dollar gift Mastercard, so i wanted to see what I could find. Well, i went into Pay-less shoes, and they not only measured my feet (in stockings), and helped me find the right shoes, but were very nice while doing it. On my way out, I noticed they had a help wanted sign.

I just got a reply to my latest e-mail from my brother, and had to share:

"I love you.
You must do as you must.
I will pray for blessing, protection, and that God reveal the truth to
both of us.
If I have to be the one to be adjusted, so be it.

Mike"

I am ... beyond stunned.

Been fighting with harassing phone calls from my mother's creditors. I really never knew how bad things were until she started ducking calls. It worries me greatly, but there is little i can do to help. I might as well share with you my secret plans - I had planed to take out a loan so i could get a transition started, but now its moot. Because we shared back accounts, I doubt i could get one. It was a long shot anyway, but ah, well. Dreams die hard, but they can die.

This is the reply I have sent to my brother.

Mike:

Well, after a rotten day yesterday, I had a fantastic day today. I went for a interview with a local tg group, and we were meeting at a restaurant. I got there first, and the server was taking me to a booth, and i tried to tell her I would prefer a table, but she didnt hear me at first. But another server heard me, and told my server "SHE would like a booth" It is amazing, what a single letter can do for one's confidence.

Well, I had a wonderful lunch date with my friend from the support group site, and noticed several things. First, when I arrived, I did not have much hesitation, but simply thought, "I have as much right to go and have lunch as any other woman does" and went in.

The lunch itself was nice, especially when a little old lady noticed my wallet had fallen out, and pointed it out to me, telling me to tuck it better in my purse, like there was nothing strange about me at all.

I wanted to share a letter I have written to my brother.

Dear Mike:

Well, I had planned to talk about my stories again, but I am not up to it. The only story I have in my head is a very angry one, and I am not sure if that one is a good idea. Mostly, I am wondering the wisdom of spending a day or more in the ER. I simply cannot find a way out of this box, and the prospect of having to spend the rest of my life like this is becoming just about intolerable. The big reason why I haven't is the simple fact they cannot help me. I am the only one who can make the plunge ahead, regardless of cost, or not.

Well, after several days of feeling fragile, I now feel like I am back on solid ground. Which is a good thing, because I think things are going to get tough around here. Between my job and my mom's job both being insecure, and all the internal stuff i am dealing with, I need to be thinking as clearly as possible. Meanwhile, my GF is feeling better too, and that's a relief.

Well, I am basically trying to hold on until my Dr.'s appointment on January 28. I don't really want to need to call in before then, but it's touch and go whether I am going to make it or not. It makes me wonder why I have such trouble asking for help. I think it is because of of my rapist being a doctor, but i am not sure. I dont even know why i am feeling so fragile right now. Is it the meds, dealing with flashbacks, my gender struggle, or maybe all three at once?

Well, its a new year, and i am already hating it. I mentioned to my boss yesterday about my supervisor calling me Dorothy, and she dismissed it saying she would not do that. i had thought she was sympathetic, but I think she was ok with it hypothetically, but cannot deal with it as a reality. That, and today, my brother is taking me for some pants (mens, sadly), and get my hair cut. He just doesnt understand my gender issues at all, and its gotten to the point where being around him is painful. Which bugs me, because growing up, he was my friend, my protector, and in many ways, my idol.

Well, i was looking at my account the other day, and noticed I had passed the 1 year anniversary of being a member here. However, at the end of January, it will be one year since i published "The saga of E-Girl". A lot has changed for me since then, much of it for the good. I have (hopefully) improved as a writer, I have made some wonderful friends, Wand I have made serious progress in dealing with my rape, as well as my gender status. Who knows what the next year will bring? Not me, that's for sure. I would never have predicted what has happened this one. Happy new year, everybody.