I know to some people regarding your dreams as something worth thinking about once you wake is a little odd, but I do. I don't necessarily think that they are messages from God, but I think they often show me whats going on in my head better than i can sometimes express it when i am awake. So last night, I had a dream of being in a large room, perhaps a gym that had been converted into something like a flea market. I recognized most of the people there. Then a girl came up to me, shook me, and said, "When are you going to stop running?
Well, today was a tough, frustrating day at work, and I am glad it is over. Basically, we spent the whole day preparing for a delivery that didn't come, and then had to spend the rest of the time putting everything back we had moved out to make room. Sadly, tomorrow could be worse, as that delivery plus another are expected. But the good news is that a friend from the support site i am a member of wants to meet me in Real Life, on Thursday, and I am totally pumped. It will be really nice to have an outing with a friend as Dorothy.
I am, as I have said before, something of a spiritual orphan. I cannot help but take my faith and the Bible seriously, but what i am is not accepted by churches that do for the most part. But yesterday was just about the last straw for me at the ex's church. They had a guest speaker who essentially was a Christian version of "the power of positive thinking" crowd. "If you are struggling, it's cause you want to struggle" was his message, and it took all my self-control not to get in his face.
Well, nobody even tried to guess the character that is based on a well known character from another author. This could mean i did a better job of disguising her than I thought, or it could mean nobody cares, take your pick. I have tried very hard to be kind to everybody here, so I hope its not the latter. I have a little piece I am working on that i hope to be finished soon, then i plan to get back to working on my "Wild Cards" story. For those who are not familiar with the series, I will put a short glossary of terms at the end of the story.
I had a wonderful moment at work, but I don't know how to describe it. For perhaps the first time, I saw how far God has brought me in becoming a mature Christian. I saw i actually have "the fruits of the Spirit", and in greater quantities than i would have dreamed possible for someone like me, considering how often i have doubted my basic salvation. I hope i can remember it if i struggle again.
I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but I am now on anti-depression medication. The funny thing is that this doctor has never seen me in male clothing. Its still a little strange to be in a public waiting room dressed, but so far, nobody has made a big deal of it. I think that's good news, right?
I was reading over my last story "sleep teacher" and caught a boo-boo. I accedently changed the name of the boy that Daphne dates and then who wants to marry her. One more reason to have a 2nd look I guess.
I think i may have a world record in the Strangest Coming Out Story Ever category. See, some time ago I shared my status in a very joking manner with some co-workers. Well today was the first time I had seen one since, and he announced my girl name to everyone at the morning meeting. The general response was giggles as they assumed he was kidding, and that i was playing along. But, the result is that I think more people know about Dorothy than don't. Weird, huh? On a lighter note, nobody has yet guessed the character that is based on a well-known character featured on this site.
I am concerned about the portrayal of TG in the media recently. For example, a Canadian Colonel has recently pled guilty of a escalating series of crimes that ended with the rape and murder of two women. But the image that has made the rounds is the man dressed in woman's underwear that he had stolen from women and girls, and his cross-dressing has been played up. Even my mother wondered if he was like me.... It would be wonderful if we could get someone from our community who does something wonderful, that we can show as positive role models. Ah well.
Sometimes, it feels like every bloody day is Halloween for me. I am forced to wear a costume and a mask each and every day. Some days that's okay. I find within me enough masculinity to keep up appearances, and I play my role well. Other days, that mask gets uncomfortable, that costume difficult, and it's all I can do to endure, and pray that someday I will be permitted to be free. Ah, well.
I would like to take a moment to talk about how the story "Choices" evolved. Like some other ideas i have had, this one came to me while I was struggling to sleep, and originally, it was a lot darker.
At the time, it was going to be about a straight male who is presented with horrible choices, of which slowly transforming into a woman is the least objectionable to him, even though he is not transgendered. Everyone believes this transformation is his own idea, and is totally supportive, which he finds frustrating.
I thought I might give a sneak peek at an upcoming story I am working on. It takes place in the "Wild Cards" universe. For those who may not know what that is, it is a "Shared universe" series, created and edited by George R.R. Martin. The idea of the series is that a virus comes to earth, turning people into either superheroes or monsters. I am just getting started, so its going to take a bit.
Despite having a tough day at work, mostly frustration over being given a job but not given the tools to do it, and being asked to do several jobs not actually part of what my assignment is supposed to be, then criticized for taking longer than expected (which was darn short even if I could have focused on the one task), I actually feel better. I focused on the fact I was able to go out as Dorothy to a restaurant on Sunday for brunch with other TS girls, and giggled listening to stories about some of the more humorous comments made to some of the girls.
Last week, I bought a wig, and I think the experience symbolizes everything I struggle with trying to be female. Having virtually no money, I bought a Halloween wig from the discount bin at my work. Like buying my makeup at the dollar store, it was about getting my feet wet and trying to keep moving forward, but because of the fact I had to buy the lowest end items, the end result falls far short of what it would take for me to look half-way presentable, much less "pretty".
I thought in honor of Halloween, I would share the lyrics of one of my favorite Halloween songs,
Howl at the moon (By Klaatu)
She was a sleek and slender enchantress
I'd met in the Casbah
When her green eyes first met mine
I was overwhelmed with awe
Well we dance all night to the tango
And she lured me with her charms
As the band played how I prayed
I'd awaken in her arms
(Chorus)
But when I howled at the moon
I know something was wrong
She had me in a spell
And I knew it wouldn't be too long
Before I'd end up
Before I'd end up here in a prison cell
Had a horrible night last night, and got no sleep. I am not sure how best to describe it, but its sort of like this: Imagine having the sex drive of a typical teenage boy, but instead of having a nightly fantasy of poking one's peter into the nearest available hole, there is a terrible emptiness the needs, craves, demands to be filled. I don't know if that's how genetic girls feel arousal, but that's how I experience it.
I fear i cannot keep simply drifting along, just letting my life happen. Writing my latest piece "choices", has really brought things to a head. Instead of being a release, it has opened up a Pandora's box of feelings, and I don't know how to survive it's contents. And yet, no matter what course I chart, I will suffer losses so large I can barely cope with contemplating them, much less face the reality. I am breaking in pieces, and i have no idea if i can survive long enough to glue them back together again. If you are of the praying kind, a prayer for me would be appreciated.
I had gotten a job as a security guard, and someone i knew from my real life job gave me a lift to a bus stop.
The bus turned out to not stop there, but I figured I could walk to somewhere where I could make a connection.
I then found myself cutting through a small shopping center, and my daughter appeared, and I had to cut her looking around short in order to try and catch a bus.
I seem to be consciously and unconsciously trying to out myself. Yesterday, I was playing Wii with my daughter when she realized my character's name, and asked "Dorothy?" I just passed it off as just the name of my character, and she accepted that. I keep this up and I will be out long before I am ready.
After I heard the news about Graham James, the hockey coach accused of abusing children who played for him, I really struggled with anger and depression. That this man was convicted, but still allowed to leave the country. really makes me feel like the authorities still don't take abuse seriously. Is there ever going to be justice for all those who were like me? How do I live with the fact my rapist never had to face punishment for what he did to me?
Well, today was a better day. Not only did I not have to work, and thus got a few things done that have been hanging over my head, but because my mom was home too, I was able to go to the transgender support group meeting (I had to smuggle out my Dorothy outfit and change there, but still) It felt good to be with the girls (and guys). I think I really really needed that right now.
Had a horrible night last night. woke up a couple of times banging my head on the wall. Then, in the morning, when my little dog jumped up on the bed to great me, or so I thought, when I noticed that she had started licking my sheets, and I realized that the reason why was that I had apparently bleed during the night (not the first time that's happened.) Ah, well, can't do much about it.
I don't know if you have ever bought an item, taken it out of its box, and then try to put it back in, only to find it just doesn't fit and in fact you can't see how they ever got it in there in the first place? Well, I kinda feel like that. I had a good day as Dorothy Friday, but I found I really crashed after I had to go back to male mode. Meanwhile, at least I am back to writing again, as my last parody piece showed, which is good news. I have an idea for a different kind of haunted house story, but I doubt very much I can get it done in time for the Halloween contest, but ah, well.
well, I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for an update on the meds he gave me. I am up to 2 pills a day, and honestly, I cant feel any difference. Ah, well, at least I get a couple of hours as Dorothy. Which I really, really need badly.
Well, after my encounter with the woman at the wiener roast on Sunday, I found myself really struggling with anger with God. Fortunately, I was working Monday with a woman who I have shared my story with, and I was able to vent, and I feel better for it.
I sometimes wonder if I am actually making any progress, or if I am just going around in circles. I feel like a mental conjoined twin - one side is female, the other is male, but neither can really live without the other. After having my male side resurface, I am back to having sleepless nights and fevered prayers to finally be at peace. But I have patrolled the limits of my cage, and I simply do not see any exits. I went to a wiener roast at my church's pastor's new place yesterday, and one of the women there insisted that one day soon I would be sharing my story in public.
Had a very sad moment with my daughter tonight. She sometimes slips and uses female pronouns for me, and she actually wondered out loud today why she does that. It took every bit of self control I possessed not to tell her why I think she does it. I am breaking apart here.
Well, I am really up against some hard choices. I let slip my trans status to a couple of co-workers, and I had a amazing response - My blood pressure, which was high, dropped, and my cluster headache went away. Then today, as I had to go back into hiding, the headache came back and my bp went back up. So I finally realize the truth - i either live honestly, and suffer the consequences, or I keep myself in the closet, and risk a serious health problem. Pray I make the wisest choice.
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