Well, I had a doozy of a nightmare last night. I was behind a person, who had his back to me. I tried to get his attention, and his head snapped around without his body turning, while a deep note played like from a soundtrack. It was very frightening.

Well, I am excited that there is going to be a book version of big closet. My problem is, that I have probably read hundreds of stories since I started here, and thanks to having a brain built to drain pasta, I don't remember very many of them. So how do I nominate? The other issue is my own stuff. I am finding it hard to feel comfortable putting my own writing forward, when there are so many much more talented people here. But, I am going to make an effort to do both. find something I loved to nominate, and pick something of mine i think worthy of consideration.

Well, the countdown has officially begun. On April 27, at 1030 AM, I see the gender specialist. Wish me luck.

Well, some of you probably can tell I am an avid reader/commenter/blogger here. (Take my word for it, if you don't) But I may have to pull back on my interaction here for a bit, so I can focus on my phoenix story (right now, at about 12,000 words, and just getting started...) The other project I would like to focus on would be taking a role in the formation of a "Best of Big Closet" book.

Well, had an awkward moment with my brother on Friday. He stopped by to drop off some pants he bought for me, and I could tell he was feeling very uncomfortable. I think he wanted to talk about the emails we have been sharing, but he was obviously not sure how to treat me. Then he did something very odd. Taking the back of his first finger, he rubbed my belly. It was an awkward moment. I think we need a face-to-face chat, and soon.

Had a very rough day emotionally. Started with less than 3 hours of sleep last night, then my attempts to find a place willing to hire me as Dorothy failed. By the time I was taking my daughter home I was almost ready to compose a goodbye message here, in case I ended up in the hospital, or worse. But I am at least human again, thanks to Kylie. Thank her, everybody.

I am working on a new Phoenix story, and it made me think about a lesson I hope I have learned, thanks to a story that failed. As some of you know, I wrote a "Amanda Waller" story for the ret-con universe, and it got rejected as being in need of a total re-write. Later, I wrote my story "The Tears of the Phoenix", and as you can see if you look for it, it was accepted. So why the difference? Well, with the Amanda Waller story, I think I got myself thinking like a comic book writer, not a novelist. I concentrated on some visual images I thought "cool", and I think the story suffered for it.

Well, for those who havent checked it out yet, the collaborative story I wrote with my gf Kylie is up. How to determine who wrote what? Easy. If you love it, thank Kylie. If you hate it, blame me...

Sorry folks, Just kidding about blaming me. Kylie says I am not allowed to put myself down, and she is right.

Well, I just got back from a very nice meeting with the local TS group. Not only was everybody nice, I ended up being given a makeup case (full), a wig holder (to help the wig dry), and a blond wig to go with my dark one. Pretty cool, no?

Well, Kylie and I are making a story together. It is a new thing for me, collaborative writing. It is fun, though, and I cant wait to see what comes out.

Well, I would like to take a moment and talk about "No Matter What". It started while I was crafting my little poem "Vows". As I often do, I shared my work with my girlfriend, and she got inspired to write her own story based on the poem. Just like the poem, the story is about the fact that many people who make declarations of loving us "no matter what", but not all of them follow through when it comes to being transgender. When she finished, I asked if I could post it here, and she agreed.

I just got a response from my brother, and I wanted to share it with you.

"I love you no matter what name you choose to call yourself.
None the less, I would be no friend or brother if I didn't at least
say "That way be dragons."
Have you considered that if you have misdiagnosed the root cause of
your unhappiness then this prescription will not be the cure?
That isn't being negative, that's just me trying to protect you from
the terrible consequences I can see down this path.
Maybe you need to go this way in order to find out how empty it is.

Well, just when I thought I was getting some traction, the world kicks my feet out from under me. I found out late last night that my mother is in much more serious financial trouble than I had ever guessed. She has apparently declared bankruptcy, without even talking to me about her situation.

Well, I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down, as I have not yet heard a reply from my brother. It may be because he just isnt the compulsive email checker i am, or it may be because he and his wife are away for the weekend, or it may be because the email account I sent it to is an old one of his wife's and not something they worry about any more. It is also possible he did get it, and is thinking about how to reply. But I have determined for myself, that should I not hear anything by next weekend, I will print out a hard copy of the letter, and put it in his mailbox.

Well, I am feeling better, and my daughter is a big reason why. Yesterday, an online friend of mine and I were talking when my daughter decided she wanted to say hi. After my friend accidentally called me Samantha's mother, she decided to feel out my girl on the subject of gender roles. My daughter made two points. The first was "my dad would like to be a mom" and "he would still be the same person if he did" Smart kid, especially considering she is a ten-year-old with learning disabilities.