I just got a response from my brother, and I wanted to share it with you.

"I love you no matter what name you choose to call yourself.
None the less, I would be no friend or brother if I didn't at least
say "That way be dragons."
Have you considered that if you have misdiagnosed the root cause of
your unhappiness then this prescription will not be the cure?
That isn't being negative, that's just me trying to protect you from
the terrible consequences I can see down this path.
Maybe you need to go this way in order to find out how empty it is.

Well, just when I thought I was getting some traction, the world kicks my feet out from under me. I found out late last night that my mother is in much more serious financial trouble than I had ever guessed. She has apparently declared bankruptcy, without even talking to me about her situation.

Well, I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down, as I have not yet heard a reply from my brother. It may be because he just isnt the compulsive email checker i am, or it may be because he and his wife are away for the weekend, or it may be because the email account I sent it to is an old one of his wife's and not something they worry about any more. It is also possible he did get it, and is thinking about how to reply. But I have determined for myself, that should I not hear anything by next weekend, I will print out a hard copy of the letter, and put it in his mailbox.

Well, I am feeling better, and my daughter is a big reason why. Yesterday, an online friend of mine and I were talking when my daughter decided she wanted to say hi. After my friend accidentally called me Samantha's mother, she decided to feel out my girl on the subject of gender roles. My daughter made two points. The first was "my dad would like to be a mom" and "he would still be the same person if he did" Smart kid, especially considering she is a ten-year-old with learning disabilities.

Just a quick little warning. I am going to discuss some tough subjects so take care reading

I had avoided talking about this, mostly because she reads this blog on occasion (and has no interest in performing for others) but I love her dearly, and right now, i am very scared. Last night, she sounded so depressed, in fact suicidal, and there is nothing i can do to help. I dont live close, i dont even have a rl phone number i can call her on. I am stuck hoping she is smart enough to seek help. Hon, if you read this, please hold on, okay?

Well, my muse has made her call, and my "wild card" story drew the short straw, and i have begun the writing for it. To (hopefully) whet the appetite of my five fans (I am kidding, there might be ten of you), i will give you a quick little link to some info on the series:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Cards

My story takes place in 1989, just after George H.W. Bush is elected president in the U.S.

Well, welcome to a new year, and a new decade. I havent done a lot of writing since finishing part 3 of "the lucky one". but i am less panicked about that than i would have been before. i have my "wild card" story to work on, a couple of ret-con ideas, sequels to a couple of my earlier stories, and my first and probably only attempt at a SRU story, and that's not counting having to try to write my way out of the box i put myself in for the conclusion of "The lucky one".

Well, it looks like things at work are headed for the crapper in a hurry. As of next week, I will be lucky to get one day a week. I am feeling a little hurt by this, as you can imagine. Thanks to my commitments to my daughter, i may have great trouble finding another job, and without my income, and especially since my mom's job is also insecure, we may end up having to make some hard choices about where we live, and what we can do without. The worst part is, i felt like i had finally found a job i could maybe transition at, only to have it pulled out from under me. Sigh.

well, last night my computer crashed, and i have now lost everything i have ever written. for the stories that are here, that is at least recoverable, but i will have to start over all the ones i was working on, as i had no back up. It hurts like crazy, but its just one more bump along the road, right?

Well, I would like to take a break from my regularly scheduled whining and remember all the gifts i have been given this Christmas. These are in no particular order, but here goes:

1: my home. In a time when far too many have none, i have a safe, warm bed, a fridge full of food, lights, TV, internet, and i can dress how i please in it

2: My mom. Her acceptance of me as Dorothy has simply amazed me, and gives me such comfort when i am struggling.

3: My daughter. I love that bundle of energy more than i thought i could love anyone, and i know she feels the same about me.

Over the last week or so, i have been struggling in various degrees with bouts of anger. It feels like when i havent wanted to curl up and cry i have wanted to shout or even hit something. A friend of mine has suggested that this might mean things are coming to a head inside me, and i will have to make a choice of letting Dorothy out, or losing it. And since the barriers to doing the former remain, I feel like i have been backed into a corner with no way out. The only place i feel human is online where i can just be me without those costs. Real life sucks.

Well, today was one of those "mixed bag" days. First, the bad. I tore my pants to pieces working in the back, no fun. The good: my supervisor actually bought me a new pair, so that was nice. the frightening? Well, while trying to describe how i managed to destroy my pants, I found i could not come up with the words "screwdriver" and "furniture" for several minutes. For a person who depends on words as much as I do, that is very scary.

Well, I wanted to reassure everyone who has been worried about me that I am okay. I have had no repeat of "glitch" that made me feel like hurting myself. I do want to assure everyone that should i feel like that again, I will run, not walk to my nearest ER or call the support hot line A.S.A.P. As for my proscribing doctor, well, he is gone until the new year, but I will mention the episode to him when I see him.

Well, as of yesterday, "Santa School" has become my most successful piece to date in terms of comments left, surpassing even "The Dead Kid". Fifteen people have taken the time and effort to say something publicly about it, and that is wonderful, and I wish to thank them, as well as everyone who left a kudo. Regardless of how it does in terms of the Christmas contest, it has been an uplifting experience for me. There is only one fly in the ointment so to speak, however. I showed it to my mom, and she said she found it sad.