Well, I got most of what i need to do to go back to school done. If I can get my doctor to sign off for me wednsday, I will be as ready to go as I can be. I just wish I felt better, but I was due for a chemical down anyway, so now is as good a time as any, i guess. ah, well.

Ok, so thats a takeoff of Apocalypse now, but its approprate. This morning, for the 1st time ever, I painted my toenails. Before, I was always too scared to try it. Probably didnt to a great job, especailly since with my big belly its hard to reach my toes at all, lol. Meanwhile, tomorow is the big day. I go to the goverment agency to find out if the will sponcer me to go back to school. pray for me, ok?

Well, since I started having serious flashbacks, I am also aware of being in a fog mentally. Today, someone was asking me about somethin i said a couple of days ago, and I had no memory of it at all.I also have had no creative abilities at all, been unable to work on my writing. Hopefully the fog lifs soon.

Well, I had a couple of experiances that left me wondering if I will ever belong anywhere. The first happened Sunday morning. I was looking for a accepting church, so a quick search led me to one close, and I went. Now I am not the most conservitive Christian ever, but a church which has a hymn to Gaia just didnt seem like a good fit for me. Then Sunday night, I got into a heated discussion with the other members of the group at Pride, and I left wondering if I can ever belong there either. Ah, well.

The above is from a sketch from Montey Python. A man wants to change to go swimming on the beach, but every time he starts to get undressed, someone exposes him and he is forced to cover up again. Finally he goes into what looks like a dark room and starts to undress, only to find he is on a stage and stripper music is playing. So he just gives in and goes for it. I kinda feel my transition is like this. I keep wanting to have privacy to make my changes, but i fear i am going to have to "strip" my male self away in public, risking humiliation and abuse. Ah, well.

Well, its been a mixed bag emotionaly the last couple of days. First the good news - I gave my mom a card from her daughter, and she seemed to really appreciate it. The bad news was I got into a fight with my ex at her church today. I wore my bracelet, and my daughter noticed it, and my ex insisted i take it off. I refused, and left the church rather than make a scene. As far as I am concerned, thats the last time I will go to that church. There a couple of accepting churches, and I am going to go to one of them instead.

Well, I am still stuck in wait mode. My counsilor got back to me with the name of a company that might help me get training, so I will be calling them monday, but i am having trouble remaining hopeful. I feel like i need to brace myself for the worst, and then if something good happens, it will feel like a bonus.

well, we had a major snowstorm today. Made things intersting at work, as I had to wrangle carts and nearly froze. Meanwhile, I was having a bit of a dilemma with getting cards for mother's day. Its so hard to find one for an ex-wife, but i found one I liked for her. Then I had a real issue for getting one for my mom. Frankly, i wanted to show her i am her daughter, not her son, but I didnt want to spoil things in front of everyone else. I compermised, and got her gender-neutral card, and also got a card from a daughter that i will give her privately as from dorothy.

As a Science Fiction fan, the A B C's stand for (Isaac) Asimov, (Ray) Bradbury, and (Arthur C.) Clarke. I have now done little tributes to Asimov and Bradbury, but havent thought of one for Arthur C. Clarke.

(I can see the scene though . . . "Give me back my male clothes Hal!" "I am afraid I can't do that Dave . . .")

Well, I had a bit of a rough day at work. It turned out i had not finished a job i was given yesterday, and I got in trouble. I had had a real struggle with it and made the mistake of not telling my supervisor before i left. So before i left, to cheer myself up, I bought a dozen pairs of women's socks, so I can replace my male ones. Then tonight, I stopped at the dollar store and bought a little bracelet and a bottle of lavander body spray. I also arranged to meet the pastor at the church on saturday, so thats done. So I feel better.

I am a little concerned. I can tell I might be headed for a down. I hope not, I need my energy to figure out my next step, and to make some more stories. Ah, well.

Well, I got some good news about my daughter. They did an MRI, and didnt find a growth in her brain, like they feared. They now think it was allergies putting pressure on her brain causing the problems. So she is on allergy meds, and hopefully things are looking up.

Well, it seems like i am stuck, in more ways than one. I have paced the boundries of my cage and cant find an exit anywhere. Without a decent job, i simply cant transition. I cant get a decent job without schooling, and I cant afford schooling (dumb mistakes in my past mean i cant get a loan, either.) Meanwhile, i am also experiancing a lack of movent on the story front. I have about a dozen ideas, but cant seem to put anything together. ah, well.

Well, I had a very wierd dream. I was having dinner at a resteraunt on the top floor of this building, and afterward, after i had left, realized i had left behind my brother's guitar. I went to go back up, but was not allowed. So i went around, and joined a tour group walking through the building, hoping to find my way up. I left the group, and found myself in a pool, and someone threw me a pair of trunks, and i realized I was naked. Instead of putting them on, i tied them to my front, because i was wearing a backpack, which covered my rear.

On Cross-dressing and Transgender

There are, in my opinion, a number of levels to cross-dressing and transgendered tendencies. (For the sake of this essay, I will only deal with Male to Female, mostly because that’s the side I know best).