Well, I think I have reached a plateau. Going out in public was good, and I am glad, but now i have to return to pratical matters. I am still in need of a full time job, and i need to get cracking on it. Ah, well.

well, tomorrow is d day. in this case "d" is for dorothy. I am meeting the other members of the TS group at the restaurant for the first time. worried, scared, nervous, those are only a few of the emotions i am dealing with

Well, after all that, I was turned down. Apperantly, I took too long to get my stuff in to start school. I am cushed, and somehow must find a way to keep going regardless.

Well, I did it. after I posted my last entry, I talked to a friend online, and found the courage, and went out and got gas as Dorothy. To do something so normal, so mundane, as dorothy gave me such a good feeling. I may start crying, but they are good tears, I think.

Well, I finally got the last of the stuff i needed to get help to go back to school, and have my appointment wed. All things look green at this point.

Well, I am feeling a little better. I think I am just getting anxious about school. I am stuck waiting for info so I can get my approvai for funding, and I cant do anything but wait, and time is running short. Meanwhile, however, I was able to find a local TS group online, and submitted a application to join. Assuming that I am accepted, they have a brunch at the end of the month that I could attend. It would be great to have some local girls to help me really get started on this journey.

well, i had a busy day today. I sent off a couple of resumes, i phoned some colleges regarding the program i want, i got a doctors appt. for tomorow to get a letter for the funding people, i also phoned the goverment to get a copy of my tax form that i needed, and even got a little writing done for my next story. As a reward for my hard work, i took all the bottles i have been collecting and took them to a depot, and took the money and went to a consignment shop and found a couple of new items to wear as dorothy. All in all, a good day.

My mom gave me a nice card for a DAUGHTER for my birthday, and I would like to share it with you.

DAUGHTER

I'm wishing you all the good theings you deserve

For your birthday,
I wish you the confidence to begin this year as you would open a gift,
certain taht it holds something special just for you.

I wish you strong trust in yourself and faith inthe future,
the belief that you will make the right choices to bring you closer to the happiness you deserve

I wish you friends to surround you in the circle of their caring and love,
and people to help you laugh at life.

it seems that the latest installment of Vision spring hasnt recieved the appreciation the first one did. I am not sure why. If you liked the first one but where unimpressed by the second, I wish you would tell me where it failed for you.

I had an odd dream the other night. I was in a moterized chair, heading for a hospital. On my way, i bumped into someone I knew, but I didnt recognize them at first because they had aged. Then I went in, and joined a very long line up for help with my gender stuff. The line actaully went from one building to another, it was that long. I joined the line, and then I woke up. weird, huh?

I am really struggling to hold on to my faith right now. I have had moments of doubts before, but not like this, where the idea of a heaven seems laughable. I feel 3/4 dead, just going through the motions.

I find that I am struggling with guilt in regards to my rape. I had a moment of clearity in my counsiling thursday, when i realized I actually missed my attacker after i stopped seeing him. This, coupled with the fact that i experianced pleasure on some level during my attacks has really thrown me, and I am having trouble wrapping my head around it. Sigh.

Some random thoughts on life:

"Life . . . don't talk to me about life" Marvin the Paranoid android

"Life is a paltry player who struts and frets his moment apon the stage and then is heard from no more. It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing." McBeth

"life is pain, princess! anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something" Wesley, from the princess Bride

"One sure thing about life. Nobody gets out alive" Annon.

"The secret to a happy life? Lowered expectations." Me

So, things are not going well, and I am struggling to keep going regardless. But, life sucks, and thats the truth, and mooping about wont change it. Time to take control of what I can, and leave the rest to God.

Well, I got most of what i need to do to go back to school done. If I can get my doctor to sign off for me wednsday, I will be as ready to go as I can be. I just wish I felt better, but I was due for a chemical down anyway, so now is as good a time as any, i guess. ah, well.