Well, I am in "wait" mode, waiting for wednesday, when I will hopefully hear back from my counsilor's and maybe, just maybe, be able to fast track my transition. I need a back-up plan in case this doesnt work, so I dont get devestated and just give up hope. Still noodling that idea. meanwhile, I am slowly but surely starting to work on my next piece, but it might take a while. Ah, well.
As a Science Fiction fan, the A B C's stand for (Isaac) Asimov, (Ray) Bradbury, and (Arthur C.) Clarke. I have now done little tributes to Asimov and Bradbury, but havent thought of one for Arthur C. Clarke.
(I can see the scene though . . . "Give me back my male clothes Hal!" "I am afraid I can't do that Dave . . .")
Well, I have some good news. First, I weighed myself today, and I am down to 280 lbs from a high of 310. So thats a start. Also, I got a chance to talk to my counsilor, and she is looking into getting me help to go back to school. If I can, I will be able to get into the fast track in terms of transtioning. Keep a good thought for me, ok?
Well, I had a bit of a rough day at work. It turned out i had not finished a job i was given yesterday, and I got in trouble. I had had a real struggle with it and made the mistake of not telling my supervisor before i left. So before i left, to cheer myself up, I bought a dozen pairs of women's socks, so I can replace my male ones. Then tonight, I stopped at the dollar store and bought a little bracelet and a bottle of lavander body spray. I also arranged to meet the pastor at the church on saturday, so thats done. So I feel better.
Well, i managed to shorten my down cycle by completing my latest story. Be a nice trick if i could do that every time. I had a conversation with my brother about my gender struggle, and he is convinced i use it as some kind of escape, probably because of my rape. Ah, well.
I am a little concerned. I can tell I might be headed for a down. I hope not, I need my energy to figure out my next step, and to make some more stories. Ah, well.
Well, I let my family bully me into getting my hair cut. Even my mom, who I thought was on my side, helped, and in fact provided the money. And they used my daughter to push me too. I gave in, and feel rotten about it. I make myself the promice that this is the last time i am letting them run my life.
Well, I got some good news about my daughter. They did an MRI, and didnt find a growth in her brain, like they feared. They now think it was allergies putting pressure on her brain causing the problems. So she is on allergy meds, and hopefully things are looking up.
Well, my writer's block has ended, and I am back to writing again. Glad thats over, whew! I think I will get a hold of the gender specialist next week, if i can. It feels right.
Well, it seems like i am stuck, in more ways than one. I have paced the boundries of my cage and cant find an exit anywhere. Without a decent job, i simply cant transition. I cant get a decent job without schooling, and I cant afford schooling (dumb mistakes in my past mean i cant get a loan, either.) Meanwhile, i am also experiancing a lack of movent on the story front. I have about a dozen ideas, but cant seem to put anything together. ah, well.
Well, i had a moment at work that reminded me the how powerful a "girl moment" can be. I had been really struggling with depression, and yesterday one of my co-workers (who i have given some of my story) was talking about working at a sexual aide shop, and I asked about shoes, and ended up telling her about the mules I bought. I know its weird, but for just a moment, we were just 2 girls talking, and it toataly lifted my depression. Meanwhile, I am going to be busy for a bit working on my next story. I will check in, but probably wont be on much untill its done.
Well, I had a very wierd dream. I was having dinner at a resteraunt on the top floor of this building, and afterward, after i had left, realized i had left behind my brother's guitar. I went to go back up, but was not allowed. So i went around, and joined a tour group walking through the building, hoping to find my way up. I left the group, and found myself in a pool, and someone threw me a pair of trunks, and i realized I was naked. Instead of putting them on, i tied them to my front, because i was wearing a backpack, which covered my rear.
My sincere apoligies to anyone who was offended by my little essay. (Which, judgeing from the responce, was most people who read it). I hoped to get a conversation going on the subject, and boy, did that succeed, but never meant to hurt anybody's feelings. Right now i am debating trying to reword it better, or maybe just dumping it entirely as a bad job. I will think about it for a couple of days, and then decide.
There are, in my opinion, a number of levels to cross-dressing and transgendered tendencies. (For the sake of this essay, I will only deal with Male to Female, mostly because that’s the side I know best).
Well, i am feeling better. Finished beating myself up, and picked myself up and got going again. its a marathon, not a sprint, right? Meanwhile I thought you guys and gals would enjoy a sneak peak at some of my upcomming projects
Comming soon:
Join Walter on his search for The Perfect Excuse
Where little Luke just needs A Little Nudge
Step into Group Therapy
Spend your vacation with A Summer Princess
Jasmine must deal with A 2nd night in a Small Town
A certain wizard's apprentance pays a vist to The Big Mall
Well, I feel like a coward. I was going to go to my local pride center again tonight as dorothy, but after i got ready, i was overwhelmed by anxiety. I was trying my best to force myself out the door, when I saw a kid go by outside, and just couldnt make myself leave the house dressed. Sorry folks, I feel like i let you guys down, like i am going backward instead of forward. Sigh.
Well, I took a plunge yesterday. I finally owned up to the ex what i was feeling and thinking. She is convinced that if i will only pray the right way, allow God to work, that I will be cured of this need to be female. She simply will not listen when I tell her that I have prayed, I have tried, and nothing has changed. So she took me to a friend of hers place, and tried to double team me, but even the friend admitted that they would refuse to hospitilize me to try and cure me of this. The ex wants me to talk to her pastor before taking any steps towards being female, and I said i would.
Was remembering something that happened at my daughter's birthday party. We went swimming, and after I had changed into trunks I realized I had to go back out into the public area to get something. Well, I was suddenly struck with a feeling of being indecent, exposed, because I didnt have on a top. Even my daughter commented on it, as if she had expected me to wear one. She sometimes seems to struggle with calling me "Daddy" and sometimes slips and calls me "Mom".
Well, once again, I am reminded not to make decisions when in the middle of a depressive episode. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to keep writing, I am feeling better emotionally. Besides I have a story to share, and I dont know any group who would "get" it like you guys and gals will, or so I hope.
Well, apparently my blog offended, so officaily i am shutting it down. I write a journal at the site called Daily strength, so I really dont need another outlet for my personal life, i guess. Anybody who wants the link to my journal can message me.
Well, I just got back from my daughter's 10th birthday party, so I thought I would take a second and introduce her to you all. She is develepmently delayed, mentally and emotionally more like 6 than 10, suffers from ADHD, and her favorite pasttime is climbing her daddy and trying to sit on my head, while trying to convince me to be more like James Bond. She doesnt understand why her dad is so "girly and wierd" (her words), but she does love me anyway.
Well, I woke is finished, and I wanted to thank everyone who has read, voted, or commented on the story. What started as a little throw-away while I was looking for ideas has morphed into the longest piece of writing I have attempted. I hope I can take the lessons I have learned doing this piece and use them for the stories that follow. Got some ideas, but it might be a bit before they are fully realized. One of the lessons I have learned is the advantage of taking my time. Plus that old friend "real life" may have a thing or two to say. Hugs to everybody.
Well, I thought I would share the story of 2 dances I attended. The first one was in Junior high. A girl talked me into showing up (not as her date, just to go), and I was miserable because I was struggling with shyness, so I did something bad. When the song "3 dressed up as a 9" came on, I found the girl, and said it was her song. (Not nice, I know) But she topped me in the nasty department the next day, when she began to spread the rumor I had danced with a boy and had wore a dress.
Well, I had a great time at the meeting. Nice guys, and made me feel welcome. So that part was good. Unfortunatly, real life came back with a literal crash at work today. I am stuck working in the stock room at my work for the next 5 weeks, which will mean more hours, but it started with me dropping a roller on my ankle, which really hurt. By the end of the day, I was sore, tired, and depressed. Ah, well.
Well, I found a place to be dorothy. After my 2nd class in career planning, I went to my local pride center. I was only hoped to find a list of TG friendly businesses that I could leave a resume with, but I also found out they have a weekly meeting Sunday night, and TG are invited, so I am going as dorothy. Then, to cellebrate, I went to my local mall, and visited a middle-to-high end department store, looking for a new skirt.
Well, I was due for a down, and this one is a doozy. Been struggling with mmense feelings of sadness and grief. Its like being on a little raft, and having a storm form around you. I have no choice but to try and ride the wave, or drown. Fortunatly, I have resources I didnt have before, and I am trying to use them. They include the techniques I have been learning in my sessions with the counsilor at the rape center. I cannot, I will not give up, but the next bit of this climb is going to be tricky.
Well, I am trying to keep positive despite my setbacks. I had my counsiling, and felt very encouraged by my progress in dealing with my rape, as is my counsilor. Now, if I could just find a job, preferably one that will let me transition, things will be great. Meanwhile, I figured I needed a little pick-up, and bought some doller-store panties, and plan to eliminate my male underwear, except maybe a single pair in case I am going swimming or something. Its a little thing, and nobody else will even be able to tell, but it made me feel good, so that counts too.
Well, my visit to the provicial goverment office was a waste. I make too much money at 700$ a month to get help. I am at a loss. I just dont know what to do now. I wonder if I am stuck like this forever.
Well, I think we have fixed all my stories. Poor Bev, she and I looked like we were going to end up conjoined twins. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, things are moving forward. Tomorow, I go to my provincial goverment office to try and get some finincial help, and for the first time, I am mentioning my gender issues in a official form, including listing dorothy as an "alias". We will see what occurs, but just filling out the forms felt good.
Something weird is happening to my stories, and I am not a happy camper. Somehow my name as the author is being replaced with beverly colleen's. This happened to the first story i submitted, and bev was not pleased, thinking I had used her name without permission. I really hope this is a problem that can be fixed. I am going to have to go through all my stories and make sure i am getting credit. I would hate to have to pull them, but I did write them, and i deserve the praise and blame for them.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
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