dorothycolleen's blog

Whetting your appitite ( I hope)

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Well, my muse has made her call, and my "wild card" story drew the short straw, and i have begun the writing for it. To (hopefully) whet the appetite of my five fans (I am kidding, there might be ten of you), i will give you a quick little link to some info on the series:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Cards

My story takes place in 1989, just after George H.W. Bush is elected president in the U.S.

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not the best way to start the new year

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Well, its a new year, and i am already hating it. I mentioned to my boss yesterday about my supervisor calling me Dorothy, and she dismissed it saying she would not do that. i had thought she was sympathetic, but I think she was ok with it hypothetically, but cannot deal with it as a reality. That, and today, my brother is taking me for some pants (mens, sadly), and get my hair cut. He just doesnt understand my gender issues at all, and its gotten to the point where being around him is painful. Which bugs me, because growing up, he was my friend, my protector, and in many ways, my idol.

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happy new year!

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Well, welcome to a new year, and a new decade. I havent done a lot of writing since finishing part 3 of "the lucky one". but i am less panicked about that than i would have been before. i have my "wild card" story to work on, a couple of ret-con ideas, sequels to a couple of my earlier stories, and my first and probably only attempt at a SRU story, and that's not counting having to try to write my way out of the box i put myself in for the conclusion of "The lucky one".

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closing in on my anniversary

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Well, i was looking at my account the other day, and noticed I had passed the 1 year anniversary of being a member here. However, at the end of January, it will be one year since i published "The saga of E-Girl". A lot has changed for me since then, much of it for the good. I have (hopefully) improved as a writer, I have made some wonderful friends, Wand I have made serious progress in dealing with my rape, as well as my gender status. Who knows what the next year will bring? Not me, that's for sure. I would never have predicted what has happened this one. Happy new year, everybody.

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some bad news.

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Well, it looks like things at work are headed for the crapper in a hurry. As of next week, I will be lucky to get one day a week. I am feeling a little hurt by this, as you can imagine. Thanks to my commitments to my daughter, i may have great trouble finding another job, and without my income, and especially since my mom's job is also insecure, we may end up having to make some hard choices about where we live, and what we can do without. The worst part is, i felt like i had finally found a job i could maybe transition at, only to have it pulled out from under me. Sigh.

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i have the bestest techie in the world!

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Well, as it turned out, i didn't lose my stuff. Thanks to my friend, who is the bestest techie ever, I am back in business, and she even got my stories back. expect more silliness from "The Lucky One" soon!

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lost everything.

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well, last night my computer crashed, and i have now lost everything i have ever written. for the stories that are here, that is at least recoverable, but i will have to start over all the ones i was working on, as i had no back up. It hurts like crazy, but its just one more bump along the road, right?

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had a good Christmas

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Well, Christmas turned out ok. My daughter and i made a gingerbread train, she opened every present in the world, and generally turned my house upside down (but in a good way), and then the ex came over and we had a civilized Christmas dinner. All in all, a good Christmas. I hope all of you had good ones as well.

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thankful at Christmas

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Well, I would like to take a break from my regularly scheduled whining and remember all the gifts i have been given this Christmas. These are in no particular order, but here goes:

1: my home. In a time when far too many have none, i have a safe, warm bed, a fridge full of food, lights, TV, internet, and i can dress how i please in it

2: My mom. Her acceptance of me as Dorothy has simply amazed me, and gives me such comfort when i am struggling.

3: My daughter. I love that bundle of energy more than i thought i could love anyone, and i know she feels the same about me.

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the hardest story

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well, the latest piece i produced was by far both the easiest and the hardest. The hardest, because it is NASTY. Despite having no sex, no violence, and no swear words, it is a very, very, hard read. I was a wreck this morning, cried until i could produce no more tears, and then went to work feeling like i was on the brink. Halfway though my shift, this piece started coming, and when i got home, i just had to write it out and exorcise my demons that way. And that's why it was also the easiest to write, it just flowed so fast, i had it done in under 2 hours.

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anger

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Over the last week or so, i have been struggling in various degrees with bouts of anger. It feels like when i havent wanted to curl up and cry i have wanted to shout or even hit something. A friend of mine has suggested that this might mean things are coming to a head inside me, and i will have to make a choice of letting Dorothy out, or losing it. And since the barriers to doing the former remain, I feel like i have been backed into a corner with no way out. The only place i feel human is online where i can just be me without those costs. Real life sucks.

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a quote to share.

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"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as any cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door."

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the bad, the good, and the frightening

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Well, today was one of those "mixed bag" days. First, the bad. I tore my pants to pieces working in the back, no fun. The good: my supervisor actually bought me a new pair, so that was nice. the frightening? Well, while trying to describe how i managed to destroy my pants, I found i could not come up with the words "screwdriver" and "furniture" for several minutes. For a person who depends on words as much as I do, that is very scary.

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shot down (sort of)

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Well, I found out the girl at my daughter's daycare is taken, so that's a no go, I guess. The funny thing was how RELIEVED I was when i found that out. I had escaped having to take the next step and try and ask her out, which I was not sure I was capable of. I am also not sure where that leaves me for finding someone to love, however. There are a couple of possibilities from among my friends online, but in all honesty, I am uncertain how that kind of relationship works.

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I am ok

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Well, I wanted to reassure everyone who has been worried about me that I am okay. I have had no repeat of "glitch" that made me feel like hurting myself. I do want to assure everyone that should i feel like that again, I will run, not walk to my nearest ER or call the support hot line A.S.A.P. As for my proscribing doctor, well, he is gone until the new year, but I will mention the episode to him when I see him.

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Thanks to all for the success of "Santa School"

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Well, as of yesterday, "Santa School" has become my most successful piece to date in terms of comments left, surpassing even "The Dead Kid". Fifteen people have taken the time and effort to say something publicly about it, and that is wonderful, and I wish to thank them, as well as everyone who left a kudo. Regardless of how it does in terms of the Christmas contest, it has been an uplifting experience for me. There is only one fly in the ointment so to speak, however. I showed it to my mom, and she said she found it sad.

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fighting temptation

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I am fighting a serious temptation right now. To put it in simple terms, I want to give up, to surrender. I am not talking about killing myself, but just shut down again, like i did as a kid. I have even considered finding a dom/domme and just be a slave, so I dont have to think or feel anything again. I will resist it, but i could use help, and prayers

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about my last two pieces

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I would like to talk about my last two pieces together, because the one led to the other. I started working on "tears of the phoenix" because I was struggling with flashes of attraction toward men, and it was scaring me. As I had jean say, I felt like i was losing the last part of my male self, and i didnt want to. This struggle formed the first half of the story. At the same time, I was struggling with grief over Misty's "Out of the Ashes". I really hurt when Dolores died, and i wanted to say something about how her death affected me.

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drip by drip

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My gender journey has reached an interesting point. Sometimes, I am in such pain i dont know how to function. But then, there are days like now. the pain level is less, but more steady, like Chinese water torture. I am not sure exactly what I can do about it. I have done all i can right now, or at least thats what it feels like.

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something to say, but not sure how to say it

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I have something that I would like to be able to share, but I am leery of actually sharing it since it might pain some others here. Basically, I had a flashback last night, and instead of being just a victim, i thought about writing it down. The result is a nearly full description of one of the last times i was assaulted. Trouble is, too many people here have had rapes happen to them, and i have no desire to bring those memories back for them unless they can handle them. Any ideas?

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the sound of crickets

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Well, apparently, my last piece was a dud. As the saying goes, even Babe Ruth struck out more times than he hit home runs, and i am most definitely NOT the Babe Ruth of writing. But the experiance has taught me a lesson. I am a pretty needy girl when it comes to my work. I thrive on praise, and wither without it. But i think i need to change that if i am going to keep writing. Still, I hope at least some of the time i hit a "home run"....

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My mom took me shopping for a ladies coat

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A few days ago, I had causally mentioned to my mom that next time i had some cash, I wanted to look for a ladies coat. To my surprise and delight, today she took me shopping. Even though i went in male clothes, it felt like a genuine mother-daughter shopping trip. We found a nice coat that fit me, and I feel much better for it. Do I have the best mom, or what?

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my christian connection

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Looking at the responses I got from my last entry, I feel I need to explain a bit about my faith. When I first became a Christian, I had no real teachers in the faith. I got a bible, and read it from cover to cover several times. Some things I understood, some I did not, but I had no one to ask. Since I was a "Christ"-ian, I figured I should read what Christ said and use that as my guide. Unfortunately, there was nothing that really covered the area of my tg, at least in the new testament.

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Am I demon-possessed?

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I went to an online chat (IMVU, if you care to know the name) and decided to visit a christian room and get some prayer support. Unfortunately, one of the people there noticed my avatar was wearing a TG symbol, and asked me about it. I tried to explain my history, how I felt. Her response was to tell me i needed deliverance from a demon. I told her how i had prayed about this since i became a christian, prayed, begged, cried. How i even tried to kill myself, and even asked God to kill me rather than let me offend Him. How i finally reached the point where i had to accept what I am.

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about Yaddie

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I would like to tell you guys and gals about my character "Yaddie". Yaddie came about because of one of those moments i get, where i think i get a glimpse of the future, without being able to understand what i have seen. I came up with yaddie at about 6 or 7 years old. I found a tennis ball with a rip in it, making it look like it had a mouth, and being the sort of kid i was, i promptly took a marker on it and drew eyes on it and gave it a name - Yaddie. How was that a glimpse of the future?

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Honesty

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When I first started this journal, the only real rule I set for myself was that I was going to be as honest as I possibly could, and I think i am succeeding.

Mostly, it really hasnt been much of a struggle, other than the difficulty of finding the best words.

I have talked about good times, bad times, and all the times in between, and most of the time, I have felt no hesitation.
Indeed, most of the time, i have been anxious to share.

But today, I find myself struggling to write this.

I want to just babble on about my writing, or whatever.

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told my boss

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I just had to give an update here: I have come out to my boss at work. I have talked about my assault, and was giving her an update, and she asked me (making sure to let me know that i had the right to say it was none of her business), if i was gay, and that gave me the opening to tell her about my trans status. She was fairly nonplussed and gave me some indication that if the day came that i wanted to be working as Dorothy FT, she would do what she could to help. (unofficially) It is a big weight off my shoulders.

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Sleepwalking

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I may have mentioned before, I am not a fun person to sleep with. Between night terrors, snoring, and the simple fact i dont sit still, even when i am dreaming. But last night was a topper. I remember having a dream of going downstairs, picking up a pile of presents, and returning to my room. Along the way i had turned off my alarm. Once the dream was over, i woke, and it had felt so real i actually got up to check if i had brought stuff up. I hadnt, but I had turned off my alarm, and there were signs i really had left my bed while asleep. It's a little frightening, to be honest. Ah, well.

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About "no son of mine"

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For those of you who are interested in such things, i would like to share with you how "No Son of Mine" came about. It started with the old Genesis song of the same name. (you can read the lyrics at: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/genesis/no_son_of_mine.html) Because i could truly identify with the character in the song, it was a moving piece for me from the first time I heard it. It ends pretty darkly, and at some level that bothered me. I wanted some hope, some possibility of a reconciliation. Then i saw the "loophole".

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