Well, I posted my latest story, and I am waiting to see how well it is received. I am not going to beg here for kudos or comments unless they are deserved, but weather or not the story continues will depend somewhat on the response. I happen to think it was funny, but I am the AUTHOR for heaven's sake, so what do I know? I hope it lightened at least a few people's day, but we will have to see.

Well, today is the transgender day of remembrance. Have things got better? Probably. I mean, I have gone around Edmonton in a skirt and not drawn any serious negative reaction. And there is a bill in our Parliament that will finally put an end to discrimination based on gender expression or identity, assuming it ever comes up to a vote and passes. But things are less good in other places, and even here, I risk the loss of my child if I move forward. (Even if the ex would be wrong legally, it would be up to me to go to a court to get access, and I simply cannot afford it).

I have discovered a side effect of my little breakthrough the other day. I seem to have lost any protection i had from my emotions and they are in overdrive. I am hyper-cycling, with my ups and downs going like a roller coaster traveling at about Mach 10. I am going from stratospheric highs to crying from utter depths of depression in less time than it took to write this paragraph. I am not sure exactly what I can do about this, except ride it out and hope things slow down soon.

Well, first i want to thank everyone who offered support to me by leaving a comment on my last entry. Each one of you helped me greatly, and I thank and bless you. But I also have some big news to share. First, I have to relate a story, and forgive me if I have told it before: When I was 16 years old, I saw the movie "The Wall", and I became fascinated with the concept of having a wall. I then did something a little odd - I prayed to God to have my walls come down. Well, be careful what you pray for, to mangle a quote. I discovered that I didn't just have walls to keep others out.

Well, for all my anxiety before I went out today, things could not have gone better. I got dressed up, I stopped for gas, I went to the coffee shop, and nobody blinked. Then I met my friend, and she was lovely, gracious, and we hit it off like two old girl friends catching up. We chatted, laughed, and gossiped for more than two hours. Best of all, she said she could definitely see me as female, which made my day, week, year, and possibly century. Wow! I can't wait to do it again!

I know to some people regarding your dreams as something worth thinking about once you wake is a little odd, but I do. I don't necessarily think that they are messages from God, but I think they often show me whats going on in my head better than i can sometimes express it when i am awake. So last night, I had a dream of being in a large room, perhaps a gym that had been converted into something like a flea market. I recognized most of the people there. Then a girl came up to me, shook me, and said, "When are you going to stop running?

I am, as I have said before, something of a spiritual orphan. I cannot help but take my faith and the Bible seriously, but what i am is not accepted by churches that do for the most part. But yesterday was just about the last straw for me at the ex's church. They had a guest speaker who essentially was a Christian version of "the power of positive thinking" crowd. "If you are struggling, it's cause you want to struggle" was his message, and it took all my self-control not to get in his face.

I had a wonderful moment at work, but I don't know how to describe it. For perhaps the first time, I saw how far God has brought me in becoming a mature Christian. I saw i actually have "the fruits of the Spirit", and in greater quantities than i would have dreamed possible for someone like me, considering how often i have doubted my basic salvation. I hope i can remember it if i struggle again.

I was reading over my last story "sleep teacher" and caught a boo-boo. I accedently changed the name of the boy that Daphne dates and then who wants to marry her. One more reason to have a 2nd look I guess.

I am concerned about the portrayal of TG in the media recently. For example, a Canadian Colonel has recently pled guilty of a escalating series of crimes that ended with the rape and murder of two women. But the image that has made the rounds is the man dressed in woman's underwear that he had stolen from women and girls, and his cross-dressing has been played up. Even my mother wondered if he was like me.... It would be wonderful if we could get someone from our community who does something wonderful, that we can show as positive role models. Ah well.

I would like to take a moment to talk about how the story "Choices" evolved. Like some other ideas i have had, this one came to me while I was struggling to sleep, and originally, it was a lot darker.

At the time, it was going to be about a straight male who is presented with horrible choices, of which slowly transforming into a woman is the least objectionable to him, even though he is not transgendered. Everyone believes this transformation is his own idea, and is totally supportive, which he finds frustrating.

Despite having a tough day at work, mostly frustration over being given a job but not given the tools to do it, and being asked to do several jobs not actually part of what my assignment is supposed to be, then criticized for taking longer than expected (which was darn short even if I could have focused on the one task), I actually feel better. I focused on the fact I was able to go out as Dorothy to a restaurant on Sunday for brunch with other TS girls, and giggled listening to stories about some of the more humorous comments made to some of the girls.

I thought in honor of Halloween, I would share the lyrics of one of my favorite Halloween songs,

Howl at the moon (By Klaatu)

She was a sleek and slender enchantress
I'd met in the Casbah
When her green eyes first met mine
I was overwhelmed with awe

Well we dance all night to the tango
And she lured me with her charms
As the band played how I prayed
I'd awaken in her arms

(Chorus)

But when I howled at the moon
I know something was wrong
She had me in a spell
And I knew it wouldn't be too long
Before I'd end up
Before I'd end up here in a prison cell

I fear i cannot keep simply drifting along, just letting my life happen. Writing my latest piece "choices", has really brought things to a head. Instead of being a release, it has opened up a Pandora's box of feelings, and I don't know how to survive it's contents. And yet, no matter what course I chart, I will suffer losses so large I can barely cope with contemplating them, much less face the reality. I am breaking in pieces, and i have no idea if i can survive long enough to glue them back together again. If you are of the praying kind, a prayer for me would be appreciated.

I seem to be consciously and unconsciously trying to out myself. Yesterday, I was playing Wii with my daughter when she realized my character's name, and asked "Dorothy?" I just passed it off as just the name of my character, and she accepted that. I keep this up and I will be out long before I am ready.