dorothycolleen's blog

stuggling with depression and anger because of the local news

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

After I heard the news about Graham James, the hockey coach accused of abusing children who played for him, I really struggled with anger and depression. That this man was convicted, but still allowed to leave the country. really makes me feel like the authorities still don't take abuse seriously. Is there ever going to be justice for all those who were like me? How do I live with the fact my rapist never had to face punishment for what he did to me?

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

better day

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Well, today was a better day. Not only did I not have to work, and thus got a few things done that have been hanging over my head, but because my mom was home too, I was able to go to the transgender support group meeting (I had to smuggle out my Dorothy outfit and change there, but still) It felt good to be with the girls (and guys). I think I really really needed that right now.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

blood on my sheets, again

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Had a horrible night last night. woke up a couple of times banging my head on the wall. Then, in the morning, when my little dog jumped up on the bed to great me, or so I thought, when I noticed that she had started licking my sheets, and I realized that the reason why was that I had apparently bleed during the night (not the first time that's happened.) Ah, well, can't do much about it.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

crash and burn, and payback house

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I don't know if you have ever bought an item, taken it out of its box, and then try to put it back in, only to find it just doesn't fit and in fact you can't see how they ever got it in there in the first place? Well, I kinda feel like that. I had a good day as Dorothy Friday, but I found I really crashed after I had to go back to male mode. Meanwhile, at least I am back to writing again, as my last parody piece showed, which is good news. I have an idea for a different kind of haunted house story, but I doubt very much I can get it done in time for the Halloween contest, but ah, well.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

back to the docs tomorrow

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

well, I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for an update on the meds he gave me. I am up to 2 pills a day, and honestly, I cant feel any difference. Ah, well, at least I get a couple of hours as Dorothy. Which I really, really need badly.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

struggling with anger at God

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Well, after my encounter with the woman at the wiener roast on Sunday, I found myself really struggling with anger with God. Fortunately, I was working Monday with a woman who I have shared my story with, and I was able to vent, and I feel better for it.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

going around in circles

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I sometimes wonder if I am actually making any progress, or if I am just going around in circles. I feel like a mental conjoined twin - one side is female, the other is male, but neither can really live without the other. After having my male side resurface, I am back to having sleepless nights and fevered prayers to finally be at peace. But I have patrolled the limits of my cage, and I simply do not see any exits. I went to a wiener roast at my church's pastor's new place yesterday, and one of the women there insisted that one day soon I would be sharing my story in public.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

biting my tongue

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Had a very sad moment with my daughter tonight. She sometimes slips and uses female pronouns for me, and she actually wondered out loud today why she does that. It took every bit of self control I possessed not to tell her why I think she does it. I am breaking apart here.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

Hard choices

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Well, I am really up against some hard choices. I let slip my trans status to a couple of co-workers, and I had a amazing response - My blood pressure, which was high, dropped, and my cluster headache went away. Then today, as I had to go back into hiding, the headache came back and my bp went back up. So I finally realize the truth - i either live honestly, and suffer the consequences, or I keep myself in the closet, and risk a serious health problem. Pray I make the wisest choice.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

why do i like superheroes?

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I was thinking this morning, and wondering why the ret-con stories are so popular, and why so many of us seem to love comic books. Well, I cant speak for anyone else, but for me, i have realized i have something in common with most super heroes, and thats the fact that I too, have a secret identity. Just like most heroes have to hide their true selves, I also have to keep my true self a secret. The difference is where most heroes don't want or plan to integrate their 2 sides, I hope someday that I will be able to take off my mask, and show my real self to the world.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

visions

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I may have mentioned, I occasionally have odd little visions of the future. Like last sunday, at church, before anybody could say what type of service we were having, I knew it was going to be a healing service. This worries me on occasion, because I often don't know what they mean until the actual event. It's a little difficult, at times. ah, well.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

from the files of Department "H" (Ret-Con Univierse)

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Taken from the files of Department "H":

Known meta-humans living in Canada:

Name: Dr. Jamie Hudson Code Name: none Age: 25 Powers: Heightened Intelligence, ability to control machines and metal

Name: Wanda Langowski Code Name: Sasquatch Age: 19 Powers: Transforms into a 7 foot tall, 400 lbs creature. In this form able to lift 10 tons, has razor-sharp claws capable of cutting through steel.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

to anyone worried about my take on amanda waller

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I just want to re-assure anyone worried about my take on Amanda Waller, she will not end up in a silly costume, and her abilities will not exceed human. Meanwhile, I have had a couple of dreams recently where its clear I am fully female. I think that's a good sign.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

good news/bad news

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

well, the ex apologized and that is good. Unfortunately, yesterday, i got hurt badly at work, and i an still recovering. I pulled muscles in my chest, and it was so bad i had trouble breathing. My supervisor had me lie down in the first aide room for a half hour, and i was on light duty the rest of the day. Today I am doing better, but it was still scary

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

my ex has lost it

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Well, i think my ex is losing it. I was helping her tonight like I always do, and she asked me to write a letter for my daughter's new teacher at school. I agreed, and I started writing it. She was dictating to me, and i tried to make a suggestion about some words, and she completely lost it. She starting swearing at me, and told me I have nothing to do with my daughter's future. I am hurt, angry, and ready to do something drastic.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

about "missing"

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I think I should try and explain about my latest piece, "missing". Its actually not that recent, probably more than a year old. I have hesitated to share it because its not an easy piece, and I feared that it would be misunderstood. Its my rather faulting attempt to describe what might happen if the Rapture occurs in my lifetime. It is an attempt to describe both the sadness those who might miss me, with the joy I would know at that moment. Hugs to all who worried about me, I am not planning on leaving anytime soon, although God might have other plans.....

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

little bit stuck

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Well, i am working on my Amanda Waller story, and a little bit stuck. What i need is a way to get from Amanda coming back home for the first time after her transformation, to fighting a local gang, who will be led by a name that might be familier to comic book readers, - Tombstone. Wish me luck.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

the girl in my dreams

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I had a dream a couple of days ago that, to me, shows how far my integration of my female side has become. The details of the dream are not important, but one thing stood out - I was female. Now, mostly before I couldnt see myself in my dreams - I couldnt have told you if i was male or female, or what I was wearing. So the fact that I knew i was female, in public, and nobody seemed to notice that being different says something to me.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

crushed

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Sometimes, I feel like God is teasing me. Something that would lead me out of my current dilemma appears, like this job offer, but as soon as I reach for it, it gets taken away, leaving me worse off than if I had had no hope to begin with. I am really struggling with anger with God at the moment. Ah, well. Guess that teaches me to hope for anything but death as a solution..

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

in pain, but not without hope

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

Well, despite my continued pain, I am feeling more hopeful. I got a call from a possible workplace, and i am going to check it out tomorrow. I am working on a ret-con story starring Amanda Waller, and hope to make some progress on that front soon. But if you are religious, could you pray that this job thing works out?

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

Agony.

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I really don't know how much more I can take. After every shift at my work, I am in such pain I can hardly walk. I wake in the middle of every night having to stifle a scream from the pain. Something has to change, and soon. The only good news I have is that I now have a picture of myself that my counselor took on my last session:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/12415215@N03/

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

single, and not loving it

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I know that its not a big thing to complain about, but I really am feeling the lack of a companion in my life. As I have become more intergrated, I have found that the desire for a partner has gotten stronger. Its more than a desire for sex, but a wish for someone to hold me when i am upset, tell me I am beautiful when I feel ugly, and who will stand with me come what may. ah, well.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

pity the father

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I was thinking yesterday about the portrayal of fathers in stories here. It seems like for the most part, if they feature in the stories at all, they are a barrier, rather than an aide. I wonder if that matches reality? Do fathers struggle more with a child who feels like they are transgendered? If so, what could we as a community do to help them? Just a thought.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

thanks lilith

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Author: 

I want to thank Lilith for her help with my last story. And by "help", I mean that she took a ugly mess and made it into something readable. If anyone enjoyed the story, thank her. If anyone didnt, its probably my fault.

Click Like or Love to appropriately show your appreciation for this post:

Pages

Subscribe to RSS - dorothycolleen's blog