Last week, I bought a wig, and I think the experience symbolizes everything I struggle with trying to be female. Having virtually no money, I bought a Halloween wig from the discount bin at my work. Like buying my makeup at the dollar store, it was about getting my feet wet and trying to keep moving forward, but because of the fact I had to buy the lowest end items, the end result falls far short of what it would take for me to look half-way presentable, much less "pretty".

Had a horrible night last night, and got no sleep. I am not sure how best to describe it, but its sort of like this: Imagine having the sex drive of a typical teenage boy, but instead of having a nightly fantasy of poking one's peter into the nearest available hole, there is a terrible emptiness the needs, craves, demands to be filled. I don't know if that's how genetic girls feel arousal, but that's how I experience it.

Last night, I had a odd dream.

I had gotten a job as a security guard, and someone i knew from my real life job gave me a lift to a bus stop.

The bus turned out to not stop there, but I figured I could walk to somewhere where I could make a connection.

I then found myself cutting through a small shopping center, and my daughter appeared, and I had to cut her looking around short in order to try and catch a bus.

After I heard the news about Graham James, the hockey coach accused of abusing children who played for him, I really struggled with anger and depression. That this man was convicted, but still allowed to leave the country. really makes me feel like the authorities still don't take abuse seriously. Is there ever going to be justice for all those who were like me? How do I live with the fact my rapist never had to face punishment for what he did to me?

Had a horrible night last night. woke up a couple of times banging my head on the wall. Then, in the morning, when my little dog jumped up on the bed to great me, or so I thought, when I noticed that she had started licking my sheets, and I realized that the reason why was that I had apparently bleed during the night (not the first time that's happened.) Ah, well, can't do much about it.

well, I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for an update on the meds he gave me. I am up to 2 pills a day, and honestly, I cant feel any difference. Ah, well, at least I get a couple of hours as Dorothy. Which I really, really need badly.

I sometimes wonder if I am actually making any progress, or if I am just going around in circles. I feel like a mental conjoined twin - one side is female, the other is male, but neither can really live without the other. After having my male side resurface, I am back to having sleepless nights and fevered prayers to finally be at peace. But I have patrolled the limits of my cage, and I simply do not see any exits. I went to a wiener roast at my church's pastor's new place yesterday, and one of the women there insisted that one day soon I would be sharing my story in public.

I dont know if its because i have been working too much or what, but it feels like my creative well has run dry. I hope this doesnt last.

Well, I am really up against some hard choices. I let slip my trans status to a couple of co-workers, and I had a amazing response - My blood pressure, which was high, dropped, and my cluster headache went away. Then today, as I had to go back into hiding, the headache came back and my bp went back up. So I finally realize the truth - i either live honestly, and suffer the consequences, or I keep myself in the closet, and risk a serious health problem. Pray I make the wisest choice.

Well, my Amanda Waller story has been delayed. I let Lilith have a peek at what I had written, and it needs a serious re-write. Ah, well.

I may have mentioned, I occasionally have odd little visions of the future. Like last sunday, at church, before anybody could say what type of service we were having, I knew it was going to be a healing service. This worries me on occasion, because I often don't know what they mean until the actual event. It's a little difficult, at times. ah, well.

Taken from the files of Department "H":

Known meta-humans living in Canada:

Name: Dr. Jamie Hudson Code Name: none Age: 25 Powers: Heightened Intelligence, ability to control machines and metal

Name: Wanda Langowski Code Name: Sasquatch Age: 19 Powers: Transforms into a 7 foot tall, 400 lbs creature. In this form able to lift 10 tons, has razor-sharp claws capable of cutting through steel.

well, the ex apologized and that is good. Unfortunately, yesterday, i got hurt badly at work, and i an still recovering. I pulled muscles in my chest, and it was so bad i had trouble breathing. My supervisor had me lie down in the first aide room for a half hour, and i was on light duty the rest of the day. Today I am doing better, but it was still scary

I think I should try and explain about my latest piece, "missing". Its actually not that recent, probably more than a year old. I have hesitated to share it because its not an easy piece, and I feared that it would be misunderstood. Its my rather faulting attempt to describe what might happen if the Rapture occurs in my lifetime. It is an attempt to describe both the sadness those who might miss me, with the joy I would know at that moment. Hugs to all who worried about me, I am not planning on leaving anytime soon, although God might have other plans.....

I had a dream a couple of days ago that, to me, shows how far my integration of my female side has become. The details of the dream are not important, but one thing stood out - I was female. Now, mostly before I couldnt see myself in my dreams - I couldnt have told you if i was male or female, or what I was wearing. So the fact that I knew i was female, in public, and nobody seemed to notice that being different says something to me.