Anybody who has followed my blog here probably can tell that I have, on occasion, struggled with negative self-talk. I'm starting to realize how much this has held me back. It becomes as self-fulfilling prophesy, where I make mistakes because I expect to make mistakes. Its not going to be easy to get rid of a habit that ingrained, but I have to, if I want to make any progress. So I'm asking everyone here to help keep my accountable. If I start whining and feeling sorry for myself, give me a boot in the back of the skirt, okay?

Well, this morning I found an interesting job posting. It was with a retail store that focuses on home repair. On the application I filled out, there was an option to declare yourself a member of the GLBTG community, saying the company is committed to diversity in this area. The world has changed for the better for us, at least here, which is good to know.

Well, today was an interesting day. First, I got a call from the local TS support group I belong to reminding me that there was a potluck dinner today. Trouble was, my brother and sister-in-law were also supposed to come over. I decided that since the potluck started at 430, and they were not supposed to come until 7, that i could go and still come back. But, I decided to leave a note for my mom that I was going to be coming home dressed as Dorothy, so if they had a problem with that, I could just skip showing up. But she phoned me to say they would not cause problems, so I came home.

Well, the interview went well, and I will find out on Tuesday if I got the job. On the writing front, I am finding my little story may not end up being as little as I thought. Running at about 10 K right now, and showing no signs of slowing down. I may end up just posting part 1 and letting things get started. What do you guys think?

If you had the chance to go out as a girl (assuming you don't for the sake of the image) what would you think of doing? Somehow, I doubt it would include what I did yesterday. I went to the bottle depot and turned in my empties. I do this to get "Dot money", but until yesterday, I wouldn't have done that dressed up. But I needed a lift after Monday, and I want to try out being Dorothy in ordinary circumstances I would have to do if I go out full time. Not only did no one comment on me, but when some of my bottles fell out of my bag, the man behind me helped me pick them up.

Well, I was taking a count, and my next story will be my one hundredth story or poem here. Just think, at this rate I will have almost as much as "bike" by sometime in the next century (assuming no more entries come from our pal Angharad there in the meantime...)

Well, today started well, and went downhill. I had my daughter, we had a good day. But my gf Kylie is down, and by the time she went to bed, I was a worried for her. Then, I happened to read the most recent chapter of "you meant it for evil" After I read it, I started shaking and couldn't stop. My brother was committed after my dad died, and after I visited him there, I had nightmares of being committed myself, especially because I thought my gender issues meant I was crazy. Thank God for some online friends who held me together until I got my breath back.

Folks, my girlfriend needs your help. She is struggling with feeling like she isn't any good as a writer. Can anybody spare a moment to send some good wishes her way?

Well, tomorrow morning I have an interview at a grocery store. The big question is, do I go in honest? Or do I keep my trans status to myself until I'm hired? I wish I knew what to do.

Well, I just wanted to apologize for the delay in publishing anything besides this blog. I'm writing a little sweet fantasy story called "Rock Star Makeover", and real life is currently making "sweet" hard for me. It'll come soon, I promise.

The above quote is from the old cartoon, "The Jetsons". As the end credits rolled, the main character would get on a treadmill, only to have it go completely out of control. I feel a bit like that. I am running my heart out just to stay in the same place, and ever once in a while, I slide under, get crumpled, and then spat back out to start running again. And the idea of actually getting any traction seems like a no-go. But I wont stop. I will keep fighting, keep trying to find a way to be Dorothy full time. Thanks again to "Team Dorothy" who have picked me up and put me back on track.

There are occasionally, stories one shouldn't read in certain moods. I loved it, but Randalynn's story "Case Closed" hit me hard. The trouble i have is how much I feel like Paul:

"what do I have to look forward to? Years stretching ahead of me, all alone and in pain, tormented by all the real people? That’s the clarity you gave me this morning, by the way. I know now that I can’t be anything but what I am — the human joke. It’s not going to change.”

“You could — ”

Well, I should know better than to get my hopes too high. I had gotten a call from the manager at the restaurant that is in my old work, and made the assumption she was interested in hiring me. Since she had talked about it before, and already said she would have had no problem with me being Dorothy if it was up to her, I started to have dreams of being able to be a waitress. Of course, I was wrong, and she just wanted to pass on a lead she gotten from a customer. Nice of her, I know, but not what I was hoping for. Ah, well.

When we say something is "hysterical" we usually mean that's a good thing. But sometimes, I think laughter can lead to hysteria in the sense of a loss of control. At least I think thats what happened to me last night. I was talking with my girlfriend Kylie, and I started laughing, until I was in pain, having trouble breathing, and yet being unable to stop. I'm not sure what that means.

well, the door to my old job has closed. No chance to go back. To add to my stress, I got an email from my brother that really set me back. Its hard to keep from being discouraged with all these setbacks.