dorothycolleen's blog

Finally heard from the councilor.

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Well, I finally heard back from the councilor my brother sent my info to, and I tried my best to craft a response to him. In all honesty, I'm not hopeful that anything can come out of it, but you never know.

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I am a girl by sufferance

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I am a girl by sufferance. I was not born a girl, didnt have a girlhood to learn the nuances of being a girl. I do not believe I really "pass" as a girl by any objective standard. So I am a girl by sufferance. My girlhood can be taken from me by words - "Him", "Sir" or my male name. It can be taken from me by actions - isolation, rejection, contempt. No "natural" girl will ever know what that feels like, to be "tolerated" like I'm some crazy person that no one has the energy to argue with.

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a day in "male drag"

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Well, I would like to share my day in "male drag". It started when I got home from work at 7 am, and got into the only male dress outfit I have - pants. dress shirt, and suit jacket, and waited until it was time to pick up my ex and my daughter. Once we got there, we found out we had a couple of hours to wait until the ceremony, but my ex had to get into the line, so I started to wish I had grabbed a nap before we left, as I found being on my feet for that long rather tough.

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BIG NEWS!

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Well, I just got confirmation - a little story I wrote will be displayed at the local TG Day of Remembrance event. It will be posted here on Sunday, so all of you can read it too.

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My Quest story has passed into "Novella" territory

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Well, my "Quest" story has officially moved into "Novella" territory. I dont think I can make a novel, but its going to be longer than any piece I've done other than "Trial of the Phoenix". I've got a ways to go, so we'll just have to see what the final tally is ...

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1st blizzard of the season has hit

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Well, its blowing snow outside my door, as the first blizzard of the season has hit. I'm supposed to go back to work today, but between how sick I was yesterday and the driving conditions, I'm not sure that's a good idea ....

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feeling sick

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Well, today I'm feeling super sick. I have a headache, feel like I'm running a fever, and I have thrown up once already this morning. Not only that, my daughter is home sick with her mom, having missed the last couple of days of school, so whatever it is must be going around. I hoped I could do some writing today, but ah, well.

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waiting for help

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Well, the one possibly good thing that came out my dinner with my brother was that he is sending my email contact info and my story "I am Nine years Old" to his friend who works with abused kids. Its possible he will be able to help me, but its really hard to wait for him to get a hold of me.

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Snow storm

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Well, the first snow storm of the winter has arrived. Going to make going to work tonight fun ....

Meanwhile, I'm feeling a bit better, but my daughter is sick - just a cold, I hope. Hugs to all.

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A stressfull day

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Well, yesterday was rather stress-filled. First, I had to stay awake longer than normal so I could get new glasses with a "associate appreciation" coupon my work gave me. An extra 10 % on one purchase so with the staff discount added, I got 20 % off. Glasses still cost nearly $ 400, anyway. And of course, because my coupon is in my boy name and I was in femme mode, I had to explain my situation to the sales lady, not fun.

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spent the day cuddling

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Well, my daughter came over this afternoon, and I spent several hours just watching TV and movies and cuddling with her and my mom and my dog. I needed that, and once again I am reminded just how blessed I am to have my daughter, and how much my transition would hurt her. Ah, well.

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a day that started well, but has gone not so good

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Well, today started promising. I was able to get a whole chapter done on my "Quest" story. But I made the mistake of having MSNBC on in the background, and so when they started talking about the Pen State case I lost my ability to write, or do much more than feel ill. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon.

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struggling with doubts about my gender

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Well, the last couple of days I've been fighting with doubts about my trans status. I'm not sure where this is coming from, unless its anxiety over the possible fight with my ex, and I'm looking for the easy way out - If I'm not trans, no fight, right? I wish I could know for sure if my rape caused this struggle, or not. I could live with either answer as long as I could have some facts on my side. Ah, well.

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watched a pretty dumb movie last night

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Well, last night was a good example on why you shouldnt get a movie based on the blurb. I saw this movie at my work called "Amanda" which said it was about a "player" guy who meets the perfect girl - but dumps her when she tells him she was born a man. I'm not sure what I was hoping for, but it was a pretty pedestrian romantic comedy. He's pretty bad about the trans thing, calling her new vagina "a wound", making me wounder what she would see in him, but he learns he cant live without her, makes a big romantic gesture, and wins her back by declaring that "love has no gender".

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I was red in the face last night and this morning

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Well, at our lunch break last night, a co-worker said I looked red in the face, and then when I got home this morning, my mom said the same thing. It could be a sign of high blood pressure, which would be very bad. If I have to stop the hormones due to high BP I don't know what I'll do ....

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right place, right time

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You ever get the impression that you are in a place for a higher purpose? Well, in my case, it was more than an impression, it was like getting a smack on the head. See, while I was in Slave Lake, one of the girls I was working with told me her son just came out to her as trans, and she had been doing research into it, when along comes me, doing my RLT. I talked with her awhile, and then gave her my e-mail addy so she can get a hold of me if she needs to. The rest of my time there was okay, but that little moment was just ... special.

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day 1 in Slave Lake

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Well, I had my first shift here in Slave Lake, and it went okay. the hotel is nice, but I dont expect to have a lot of time to look around the town between work and sleep. Interesingly, one of the staff here has a son who just recently came out to them as trans, and has been doing some research on it, so she wanted to ask me how I'm finding it. My responce is "so far, so good." The hotel has a internet kiosk that charges by the hour, so I can check in on you wonderful people, so behave!

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I'm on my way to Slave Lake

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Well, I'm just about to leave for Slave Lake Alberta. They changed my destination, and now I'm going to be there an extra day, so more than likely this will be my last chance to talk to you guys until Friday. Wish me luck, I'm a little nervous.

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Going to be away Tuesday and Wednesday

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Well, I'm going to be away Tuesday and Wednesday, as my work has asked me to go to a store in the far north of Alberta for two shifts. I'll stay in the town overnight between them at hotel on Walmart's dime, and my meals and gas will be paid for as well. I could use the extra work, but I'll be without a computer for the two days, so more than likely you guys wont hear from me until I get back. Super hugs to all.

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a sign of growth?

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Well, last night I had an incident that shows how much I've changed in the last while. See, I was on my way to work, and I stopped in at sub place to grab lunch, and the kid behind the counter said "What can I get you sir?" Now, I was in my wig, my wal-mart clothes, and was carrying a purse, so "sir" just wasn't the pronoun I would have preferred him to use. But while not that long ago an incident like that would have sent me spiraling downwards, I immediately thought "poor kid, needs better glasses, cant tell sirs from ma'ams." I think its a good sign, dont you guys?

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"We girls"

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Last night, I was putting cardboard into the baler (a device that squishes it down and makes it ready for recycling) with another lady, and we were trying to figure out if the baler was full. She asked one of the guys to help us make a bale if it was needed, and put it this way - "We girls need a strong guy like you to help us."

It came across so naturally, like she never even considered me as anything but a girl, and it kinda made me tear up with happiness.

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