I phoned the doctor's office about the stuff they were supposed to send to the gender specialist, and they dont have any record of the stuff at all. Nothing in my file except I came in for a full work-up, nothing else.

I honestly dont know what to do now.

My best option I think is to get the stuff from the gender doc again, go to a different doctor and go through the whole thing again, but considering I suffered a week of flashbacks after the last time, I would rather not.

This.... sucks.

I just got back from the gender specialist, and while everything else is go, they never received from my family doctor the results of my physical.

I

AM

NOT

HAPPY

I've had a few people compliment me on my transition, calling me "brave", and it got me thinking - Am I actually being brave, doing this?

"The Echo chamber"

Right now, I'm in manic mode, and you'd think that would be good news compared to being depressed, and there are some benefits to it, but there are risks too.

Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

Well, last night I managed to have a serious brain fart that's going to have me eating crow for a while.

Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.

Snap, crackle and pop may be good sounds to hear in your breakfast cereal, but not so much when its your body making it.

Yesterday, I noticed that my left shoulder makes some ugly noises when I try and rotate the arm, and things only seemed to spread from there.

First it went to my neck, actually causing me pain when I tried to stretch at work, and then my knees started doing it too, almost blinding me with pain.

Thank God for painkillers, but I'd prefer to have not too many days like that if there is a better choice.

Ah, well.

Went out for coffee with a friend yesterday, and caught sight of a pretty woman while outside looking in.

Then realized, the pretty woman was me.

I looked good.

When the heck did that happen? When did I start looking so good?

I've even noticed my walk is more feminine now, and its not like I spend a lot of time practising. It just ... happened.

I dont think I've ever been happier, and it wouldn't have happened without the amazing support I've recieved from "team Dorothy."

Thank you. Thanks and beyond thanks.

Last night when I got to work, I noticed a dispenser beside the gumball machines with the logo "Trendy girl" on it, and since whatever it sold only cost a 2 dollar coin, I figured what the heck.

It was a pair of fishnet style fingerless gloves.

So before work, I decide to put them on, and I had a reaction I dont get very often.

I

Felt

Sexy.

My self-confidence rose, my tiredness lifted, and generally it was an amazing boost, which I really needed after spending dinner at my brother's place and have to listen to my family use male pronouns for me ....

Ah, well.

Had a bit of a tough moment today, where all the stress of my mom's job, our potentially losing this place, and a realization that I might just possibly be attracted to men all hit me at the same time.

Fortunately, Tels was there to talk to me on the phone, and she recommended I get up off the couch where I had been huddling, stand up, and walk with one foot right in front of the other, tightrope style.

It helped.