I'm sorry. I know I promised to be more positive, but I'm really struggling today.

hugs to all.

Some nice person from my church took some pictures of me yesterday, and I asked her to send me a copy. So I thought I'd share.

Had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned how I looked when I am having a flashback - my face gets flushed, tears form in my eyes, and I get this "I'm not home" look. For some reason, finding this out shook me, I dont exactly know why ....

Kylie has given me permission to share this little back and forth ...

fair warning to all. My next story is dark. Very, very dark ....

well, yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day. It started with my brother and sister-in-law coming over for dinner. My first instinct was to not be there - on the principal that since I caused stress, the best way for me to remove stress is to remove the source - me.

But my mom insisted I be present, and it actually was a decent night - no body slams, no use of utensils as weapons, not even name calling took place. I dont think I'm in their good books or anything, but if we can be civil during a meal, well, good things can happen.

A bit of a tough night last night, the evil "tape" that runs in my head and jumps on every failure and mistake I make as proof of my utter worthlessness was running hot. I really need a more positive tape in my brain, but at this point, a loop of the Bee Gee's greatest hits would be an improvement ....

of all the ways I could lose my brother and sister in law, if this little tiff turns out to be the end of our relationship, well, its a pretty pathetic end.

ah, well.

Well, tomorrow morning I go to an interview with Target. I'm super nervous, I have no idea how they feel about trans, or anything. wish me luck.

well, one of the Provincial Supreme courts here did something almost unheard of - it more than doubled the sentence handed down for Graham James, the hockey coach who was found guilty of molesting NHL player Theo Fluery, among others. Instead of the 2 year sentence he was given by the judge, he will now serve 5 years, unless the Canadian Supreme court changes it. Its not as good as the sentence I would have given him - to hang suspended by a hook in his member for the remainder of his life, but I guess it will have to do ...

I have to take back all the nasty things I said about Valentines, and I think I have the most awesome mom ever. She decided I needed something for Valentines, and so gave me a couple of pretty blouses and a set of earrings. Bless you, mom!

every once in a while, I read a non-trans story that makes me feel like putting on a tinfoil hat, because the author has caught my emotions perfectly, even while talking about something else.

Okay, so I'm scared now. a while back I couldn't seem to remember the word "screwdriver" and today I couldnt remember the word "dresser".

My brain is melting ......

I've been thinking and praying a lot today, and I've decided I'm going to continue my transition, the rejection by my brother and sister-in-law notwithstanding. Maybe that makes me a "selfish bitch" in my sister-in-laws words, but it has to be done. I love them, and my heart aches that they think this transition somehow hurts them, but I have to seek wholeness.

Well, I came home this morning to a message from my sister saying my brother was hurt by the reaction of my friends on facebook and by my not jumping to his defense. So I did the only thing I could do - I sent a loving response, and then took my dog for a walk outside in my prettiest skirt, just because I could. I'm not going to let them pull me down anymore. I love them, but I need to keep myself healthy first and foremost.