HUGS Dorothy, I too prefer survivor versus victim. as is very common it seems for those like us I was also "molested", but in my case it was.......odd? it was three cousins, 2 male and one female. it started out "normal" for sexual abuse i guess, oral only, convincing me it felt good so it wasnt bad, right? then moved on from there, but the thing was they all three dressed me in female clothes. it is what has made me so confused/repressive/etc of my memories. I dont know if they heard about or saw me wearing something, or it was just their own idea (quite a coincidence if so) and while i think im still repressing the worst of it, it was the first time i felt like a real girl, and was wanted. I know that is how abusers do it, make so you feel loved, etc. but that doesn't make my feelings on it different. i didn't fully repress it all until a year or so later when i learned what sexual abuse was, and that my feelings were "wrong" to have enjoyed even part of it was "not right", etc. i was 10, what did i know, it was in 1980 or so, when abuse was still pretty much hidden, and there weren't teachers, or after school specials, etc about it.

my biggest hangup is that when i repressed instead of telling someone, one of them(only one caught at least) went on to molest others, so i feel a degree of guilt. i know in my head and everyone has told me its not, but i still feel that my cowardice? was responsible for allowing this monster to ruin who knows how many lives, including his own 3 sons, which he was finally caught and convicted of, so will not be able to hurt anyone again until earliest release date of 2054 when he will be 103.

Terri