Previously: Her sister Rachel asked me to visit with her up in her room. She said, “Something is bothering my sister and I was wondering if you knew what it was? She says there’s nothing, but we know she can be in denial when it’s something close.” …I said, “Part of me hopes she’s having second thoughts about leaving. I also think she might also be worried about me having other friends. I told her not to worry; the friends I’m becoming close with are, for the most part, other girls. But I plan to pine away my romantic thoughts on her.” …Rachel asks, “Why would she be worried about second thoughts about going to AU?” …Maybe because she already committed herself, or that they made such a fuss over her, and then tonight she told all her friends she was going next month. She expected everyone to be impressed and be happy for her…”

Now: We helped clean up. Sarai did enjoy the night and it even included a congratulations hook-up from Augustana. That at least helped people get an appreciation for where she was going.

Then once the cleanup was done it was time for Sarai to relax. She is still my love and means more than my heart can hold. I work hard to be 100% happy for her. Then she asks me, “You too think I should wait and go next fall, don’t you? Do you think I’m totally wrong for going so far away?”

I say, “My wish for you to stay is for me. There was another option that I thought of?” Sarai asked and I told her: “I noticed in their catalog that they had two segments for June classes. So if you were to be here next spring, and then go there in June and take courses then. You could use that time to get two or three classes out of the way as well as work out with the runners staying around campus. I do agree they have a great program and a super fitness center for women.”

Sarai said, “That makes some sense, but if I did that and I had to be back there in mid-August. They might want me to stay throughout the summer? What do you think about that?”

“That would be for you to decide. It all needs to be your decision. I remember someone early in the fall taught me to be happy about what I did. If it works for the student it should work well for the teacher as well,” I said with a little giggle in my voice.

Sarai gave me a passionate hug and kiss, that lasted until someone entered where we were. Mr. Duvall said, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to two women kissing, but I am happy to see Sarai’s big smile back.”

Sarai said, “You need to get comfortable with it. I’m not wanting to go back to square one with you all the time. You need to accept me as your grown daughter doing what’s good for me. I’m not asking you to kiss Erik your golfing buddy.” With that, Mr. Duvall started laughing and shaking his head.

With Christmas getting closer, we were busy with extra decorations and shopping with our different groups. I even went out as Gary shopping with my Dad. It was mostly for Mom, sis, and his mother. He liked the benefit of having Caryn hidden away in Gary’s clothes.

Hope, Monica, Jenn, and Brenda wanted me to go caroling with them, but they thought it would be good to have Gary’s voice in the mix. I insisted if I was singing as Gary that I have my friend Jon Abbot with me. We went to a residential area where the houses were close together and people more often came to the door. We had gone to a care facility where we knew some of the old people. Mrs. Bragg and Mr. Tuttle from my neighborhood and Ms. Dobbs a former elementary teacher were there. What was going to be three songs and ‘Wish you a Merry Christmas ended over a half-hour later and a visit around Christmas cookies and small cups of hot chocolate.

Ms. Dobbs calls me to her and then whispers, “I don’t mean to sound crazy, but I thought another teacher told me that you were dressing as a girl and going by the name Karen?”

I kneel down to talk face to face. “You’re not crazy and you heard right. Actually, this is an unusual time for my being dressed as Gary. And my name Caryn is spelled ‘C a r y n’.”

Ms. Dobbs looks me over, “I can tell my your complexion, the condition of your hair, and your fine features that you could make an attractive girl. It would be nice if you would do me the favor of coming back as Caryn and visiting sometime.”

“You have to be kidding me; Ms. Dobbs, you were a strict teacher. I would never have thought you as accepting of it.”

She smiled and said, “You were a little trouble maker if I remember correctly that is why you found me strict. It doesn’t mean I was narrow-minded nor am I today. I truly mean it when I say, I love to visit with you as Caryn. After I recuperate from my stroke I hope to be back in assisted living until I fully recover.”

It was time for the group to leave. I told Hope and Jennifer about Ms. Dobbs as they had her as a teacher as well. We vowed to see her in two days.

Jon thanked me for inviting him along. He was sad by the reality that my being Gary would remain the exception to the rule.

My sister Katie and her group had gone out shopping as they had planned. Our parents had given her extra money to buy herself some extra things. Mom sat with us to hear what she had bought. They were both happy to hear about our caroling and especially going to the care center. Mom even suggested us the three Miller women and the Duvall women should go visiting and caroling at the care center. Katie and I both conveyed that caroling and being around older people was not something that Mrs. Duvall would like.

I would help Katie and Mom bake Christmas cookies; Sarai came by to invite me over to her house to bake with her and her mom.

Sarai informed us that she had visited with the people from Augustana about possibly staying here the next semester. They did tell her about the June term that freshmyn students were required to take. They would approve her attending this June if that were her desire. There was practicum work she needs to do as a freshmyn.

We helped my mom with two more batches of cookies before I’d stop and visited with Sarai. I wouldn’t be able to help her mom with holiday baking for two days. Hope, Jenn and I would be going back to the care center to visit Ms. Dobbs and others. Hope and Jenn would probably wear nice slacks or designer jeans while I wanted to dress up just a little.

The next afternoon walking up to the care center in a nice skirt and blouse, I got anxious about Ms. Dobbs and Mr. Tuttle in pantyhose and a skirt. Hope and Jennifer had surprised me wearing festive slacks for Hope and Jenn in a red and green knit dress. One fear was soon relieved as Ms. Dobbs was near the entryway to greet us. “You girls are just what the doctor ordered for my recovery.” Her speech had improved some, and she enjoyed holding my arm for the walk to where we’d visit.

Ms. Dobbs was betting we would be back and her husband had gotten her some Christmas decorations and a half dozen window decorations for others he called ‘Christmas sensitive’. We’d put together quite a few plastic stars as well as four of the sun catchers and we started to deliver them. Two of us girls would deliver to residents on one side of the hall and Ms. Dobbs and the other of us. We did deliver a decoration to Mr. Tuttle, who shook his head at me but smiled. “I hope this has taken you away from getting into mischief?”

I replied, “Girls can get into trouble too.”

Mr. Tuttle responded, “Yes, but they look cute and most often get away with it.”

Hope and Jennifer went in to see Mrs. Bragg, a friend of my grandmother. I wasn’t going to go in afraid my being in Caryn mode would disturb Mrs. Bragg. Jennifer asked Mrs. Bragg, “What would you say if I told you that Gary Miller is dressing as a girl part of the time?”

Mrs. Bragg stared at Jennifer and Hope and then said, “You’re serious, aren’t you?” When told it was true, she asked, “Is she here with you two?

Jennifer said, “Yes, but we weren’t to tell you, she was afraid it would disturb you?”

“Gary’s grandmother is one of my best friends. But you keep referring to her as she, does that mean she has her own name? I would like to know it?”

Hope speaks up, “Her name is Caryn, but it’s one of those newer spellings.”

Mrs. Braggs asks “Was she one of the girls that were with you Tuesday, or was she the boy with the fine features and a nice complexion?”

“She was the boy that you identified with the fine features. She takes after her mother.”

Mrs. Braggs said, “Pease go get her, we have met. I’d like to see Allison’s new granddaughter.”

Jennifer came and found me, “Mrs. Braggs wants to see Allison Miller’s granddaughter. Her friend already told her about you.”

“But I told you not to tell her!”

The Activity staff member says, “That’s water under the bridge and she’s wanting to see you.” I started to say ‘But’, but was cut off. Sharon said, “You came here to brighten up our residents’ holiday, please go and see her.”

Mrs. Braggs has aged since I last saw her but her eyes were bright and clear and I could tell she recognized me. Holding out her hands, she said, “Your Grandmother is right, you carry being a girl very well. Come and talk to me, please.”

We were to be there for two hours, however, the time flew and it was our friend Monica Thoms who called to check upon us. Ms. Dobbs's daughters and granddaughter were there when we said goodbye. It was humorous to the three of us that Diane Dobbs had given up her maiden name for Cobb. We met her daughter Celeste Cobb as well and recognized her from the sophomore class at our school.

Friday was Christmas Eve, the morning was filled with chores and the afternoon was to include wrapping gifts. I got a telephone call from Grandmother Miller. “Caryn dear, I got a delightful call from my friend Doris Braggs. Thank you so much for making her day. She said, three of you made a lot of residents happy. I hope it will be you Caryn who goes with me to the early Christmas Eve service. And I hope you’ll be at the family gathering tomorrow on Christmas Day.

I said, “Mother, Father, and I all thought it would be better for me to be Gary.”

“Rubbish,” Grandmother said, “Let me talk to your mother or father.” My Mom took the phone. Grandmother’s Christmas Eve service was at 8:00 p.m. and while it would be a rush to go, get home and go to church with Sarai; it would need to be as Caryn. I was sure Sarai's parents were wanting me to come as Gary. I could get back, freshen up and change my clothes but to change over to Gary was all but impossible.

I called Sarai with my dilemma. Sarai talked to her mother while she was talking to me. One option would be for Sarai to come with our family to our church service. Mrs. Duvall had wanted Gary to go with their family, and she insisted Sarai should be with them. I did not like seeing Caryn permitted to go with them tonight was a compromise on their part. I did however agree to go with them as Sarai wanted me with her.

The gifts were wrapped and under the tree before the three of us, Miller women prepared for our evening. Dad would take Katie and me to Grandmothers, her church, and back. We would spend another half-hour there and hurry home. Grandmother was making a fuss over two granddaughters with her. Mrs. Braggs was with her son and daughter-in-law’s family for church services today and all day tomorrow. If I weren’t Caryn; I would not have seen it as special. The younger Mrs. Braggs doted over me with appreciation. Seemingly I was getting credit for the elder Ms. Braggs being in such good spirits.

It was a thirty-minute drive home; the changing of delicates was a must. My mother insisted I calm down and dispense with my attitude toward the Duvalls. “Caryn, your father and I would feel bad if Kathryn wasn’t with us. Do me the favor and give understanding to the Duvalls.”

It was a help to hear Mom’s thoughts, “Mom, when did I become more Caryn. Before I would have raged about the Duvalls?”

Mother asked me to pause, “Were you raging inside the quiet presence of Gary? You would never have been with Sarai if she didn’t bring you out.”

I thought, “Mom I wish I had time, maybe we could talk about what Gary felt after Christmas.” I finished changing. My dress and makeup were done with not a moment to spare as Dad dropped me off at the Duvalls…

To be continued…