Previously: We found some soft cushions where I leaned against Sarai’s hug as we listening to songs... My time with Sarai found me, a new sense of peace and the ability to move on with loving her.

Now: Katie saw my bewildered look and asked what was up when I got home.

I told her yesterday I had a good time with Sarai and thought I was content just being with her. Jenni and I just hugged when we said goodbye. There was more to the hug for me; there were very warm feelings I felt inside of me. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t.”

Katie has me sit down and take a few breaths to relax. “Sis, I know you want to be in control of yourself 24/7 but you’re human like the rest of us. Even more where it comes to changing emotions and feelings. That you’re again comfortable with Sarai and then have something stir inside of you with a hug from Jenni. That’s more about being human. You’re wanting to hold onto Sarai as long as you can. You’ve already told me you think Jenn has feelings for you. If you’d be honest with yourself I think you have feelings for her.

“Even though you’re cutting back on the pills, You are blossoming and feelings you’ve suppressed are coming forward. You’ve always been more sensitive than you let on. I wouldn’t even be surprised you got warm down there.”

I said, “How can you know that? Sometimes I think there are written messages on my face where others know before me.”

Katie hugs me, “You have feelings for more than one person. Be glad, there used to be a time you wouldn’t allow even one person that close. Sarai did you a big favor when she helped you come out of your shell.”

“How can you say that? Those feelings hurt me,” I said.

“Kind of, you love her, and loving a person sometimes hurts. Having feelings for Jennifer Hanz, what do you call that?” My sister said, “You might be off the pill for now, but I think you are one of us through and through.”

Her words caught me without reply. I paused, thought, and said, “Did you intend to compliment me?”

The next few days passed, with reports due and exams for school. The school was about through for the holidays. Katie and I helped decorate the house as we had with the tree. The weather was mild enough that I helped over at Sarai’s to put up a few more decorations. Her sister Rachel was home and I liked that Rachel is putting pressure on Sarai to go to college closer to home.

One could see that Mrs. Duvall had mixed emotions about Sarai being far away soon.

Wednesday, Denise Dobbins asked me, “Would you mind helping out at Mom’s store?” I had previously commented on how overwhelmed they seemed to be. Denise said, “We’ve only got busier. It wouldn’t be anything glamorous, more folding, rehanging, and arranging clothes. There could be more work, come the turn of the year.”

I text Mom for approval that I’d go with Denise to Deb’s Clothiers after school. I tried to barter my hours at work for a long green skirt. Deb liked my work and decided I could have the skirt if I wore it for work. My pay would be separate from the dress and now I had a job for the holidays.

I proofread my last report when I got home and sent it off to my teacher. I painted my nails a medium red. They would go well for school and work. Mom had to remind me I had an appointment with Dr. Watts at 1:30 p.m.

Dr. Watts listened carefully to my plea to have sperm harvested and frozen. I had a blood test and a sample of semen to confirm if I was still producing sperm, healthy sperm. She walked me and my Mom through what the procedure would be. And no, it was not as simple as giving a specimen, nor comfortable. She did agree that it made sense and with my parents' approval it could be done as soon as the Monday after Christmas. She said it would slow me down for New Year’s Eve, but I didn’t believe it. I was looking forward to being with Sarai then.

Today, I changed into my long green skirt, a pink satin camisole, and a white blouse. Mom redid my hair changing it to a ponytail with a pink scrunchie.

I was refolding or hanging up clothes, and getting them back to the places they belonged, but I was also be asked by customers to help them. I amazed myself in being able to help them. It wasn’t until a lull in business that Mrs. Dobbins was able to give me a quick lesson on the cash register. It wasn’t as simple as pressing any old button, and with every other customer, I’d need to learn another lesson.

Mae, Deb’s older salesperson, started to warm up to me. “A new helper around this time of the year can be a pain in the buns. I wasn’t happy when Denise asked her Mother about working here. You fooled me by being a quick learner.”

I said, “So, I’m not a pain in the butt?”

“No,” she said, “You’re still a pain, but I’m liking you. I told Denise I’m not a fan of boys in the store. But like she said, when you’re in girl mode there aren’t many traces of that happening.”

I text home that I’d be working an extra hour. That was all right with Mom as long as she knew. It also meant I could ride home with Denise, instead of someone coming to get me. We have a lot to talk about as Denise is taken by the thought of me being a boy who first pestered her in third grade. She says, “I wonder if even back then you had a desire to be a girl? Is Gary now desiring time with boys?”

“It’s an interesting thought, I do miss quiet times. I’m more social now and it seems I always need to talk to someone. Like Gary, I didn’t think much about my clothes or the people around me. Well, not fully true…”

Denise cut in, “There were times you seemed to be gazing without hearing things around you. There were times I caught you gazing at me, other girls, or just out the window. I’d wonder.”

‘What could I say, I knew of such times, maybe even a time she was talking about. We were both about thirteen, but she and other girls soft and I wondered what it felt like for her to have small breasts. Another time it was seeing a girl’s short skirt and wondered about what I couldn’t see and if it felt different. My sister had become private as she changed and there was more to girls than I understood.’

“There you did it again, but this time as Caryn; we’re to your house.”

I smiled, “Sorry, it didn’t mean any bad. I guess I wondered about being like you. I kind of was intrigued about girls changing or having nicer clothes…” Embarrassed that I said it out loud, “Excuse me, I should be going. I probably didn’t make sense jabbering.”

Denise touched my hand as I was getting out, “No, you’re making good sense. Maybe another time.” I went to my house, wishing I had stayed, sensing we connected on another level. She didn’t seem repulsed.

I’m not in my room for more than fifteen minutes, Katie’s in talking to me when I answer a call from Denise. “Wow Caryn, I thought we connected as I was dropping you off. I wanted to thank you for trusting me.”

“Denise, it just happened; I hope you treat our sharing to be just between us. I’ve never opened up like that, not even to Sarai.”

My sister interrupts, “I’ll let you talk but I’ll want to know more later.”

Denise asks, “Who was that? I hope I didn’t cause you trouble. I should have asked if you could talk.”

“Denise, don’t worry; it’s my sister and I’ll enlighten her later.”

Denise says, “I had thought this started with Sarai and you, but now I see it differently; is that fair to say?”

I pause, wondering if or how it will change things. Denise says, “Don’t be afraid of me knowing. I am glad you trusted me to say those things. I’d have trouble holding a secret like that.” Denise turned on the camera to her phone. “That just makes our friendship even more precious. You weren’t thinking anything dirty when you were gazing like that.”

Again without thinking, I said, “No, unless hoping you’d help me be a girl would be gross.” I see Denise’s smile.

She said, “Girls can be good friends like that. I don’t know what I would have initially thought back then. It is a good place to pick up on our friendship again. I suspect I could help you try more things. But I would hope you could help me figure out Brady, like how to get him to notice me.”

I instantly replied, “He’s noticed you; he’s just sure you won’t like him.”

Denise says, “But I told him that I like him.”

“Yes, but he’d stammer if he did anything, but a joke with you. It scared me when Sarai first tried to be a friend. I was lucky, we could run and all I had to do was look happy.”

“That’s precious; doesn’t he know he’s attractive?” She didn’t need me to tell her the obvious.

Denise and I talked about tomorrow’s test and shared questions and answers before the call was over.

Friday was our last exams before the winter/holiday break. I worked Friday night and Saturday. Sarai stopped at the store on Saturday. Deb had me wear one of their long red skirts and Sarai was impressed. I paid for and gave Sarai a gift card for the store, “You might want to shop now before the selection diminishes any more than it has.”

I know Sarai asked Denise what caused my attitude to change. Denise told her she didn’t know, though she did. Sarai was hoping we would both take a lunch break with her. There was no way we were both getting a break at the same time. Denise had suggested I bring yogurt or something as the food court would take too much time.

I was fairly sure that Sarai was wondering if she needed to worry about Denise coming between us. “Can I ask, if you’re worried about me and Denise?” The expression was that of a cat having swallowed a goldfish, but she said no. “That’s good because I want to be able to have friends who are girls… I do expect us to become closer friends again since we work together.”

I said, “Right now, we’re too busy to even talk. Speaking of which I need to get back to work. I don’t mean to be rude but I shouldn’t have a girlfriend around work. I am more comfortable with myself that might be the difference you’re noticing.”

Come six o’clock I was going to be tired, I was glad I’d have tomorrow off. Once I got home I showered, ate a sandwich, and drank some hot chocolate. Sarai, however, is to celebrate being done with high school.

Katie came into my room, “Please don’t let anyone know I told you, but you have Sarai worried about you and Denise.”

I replied, “She doesn’t have anything to worry about, but if she does that is alright with me. Maybe she’ll worry a little more if she goes away to college. It’s not fun to hurt inside.”

I went to Sarai’s house with my sister. It was funny when I saw Sarai. I noticed two things: She was happy. She had finished her exams on Tuesday and had learned she had all A’s for grades. The other thing was she was wearing a blouse sweater combo that she got from Deb’s Clothiers. Even a week ago I would not have noticed that.

Sarai was happy in announcing she’d be back for graduation and prom, but many others like me were sad that she would be leaving in January. Many didn’t know where Sioux Falls was, nor anything about Augustana University. Ironically, I spent part of the time explaining that it was a very good university and had a premier cross-country program.

Come ten thirty, I was helping Mrs. Duvall and Rachel cleaning up from much of the reception. Her grandparents and relatives were giving their last good wishes and saying goodnight. Classmates and close friends were staying longer.

Her sister Rachel asked me to visit with her up in her room. She said, “Something is bothering my sister and I was wondering if you knew what it was? She says there’s nothing, but we know she can be in denial when it’s something close.”

I said, “Part of me hopes she’s having second thoughts about leaving. I also think she might also be worried about me having other friends. I told her not to worry; the friends I’m becoming close with are, for the most part, other girls. But I plan to pine away my romantic thoughts on her.”

Rachel asks, “Why would be worried about second thoughts?”

“Maybe because she already committed herself, or that they made such a fuss over her, and then tonight she told all her friends she was going. She expected everyone to be impressed and be happy for her…”

To be continued…