It was 11:30 when Jenni coaxed me to leave and finding a parking spot out on old river road…

We were at the turn-off for River Road when Jenni pulled into a lot of a closed gas station. She asked for a kiss and when we did; she said, “Your heart is not into this; is it?” Jenni said, “I want to do this to show you how much you mean to me. Maybe then, you’ll love me as much as I love you.”

I was caught off guard by her statement, but I had similar feelings. “Jenni, I think I do love you, but I think we’re both racing to try to prove something. I don’t think it’s bad, just early. Who, what are we trying to prove?”

We switched where we were going and ended up at the ocean. It was 3:00 by the time we were walking the beach with shoes in hand. It was 4:30 a.m. when we stop at a motel. I’m, sure woke up the woman who came to the counter. She muttered, “I hope you’re staying two nights to make it worthwhile you waking me.” I looked at Jenni and we decided to make a weekend of it.

We did kiss and enjoyed being together. I text my parents to tell them where we were and had decided to stay at the weekend. We struggled to stay awake as long as we did before we fell asleep. My phone sounded at 7:30, “I hope I woke you. I stayed up until 2:00 waiting to hear from you.”

Once she knew I was awake; she said, “I want you to call me in a few hours. Did you and Jenni have a good time?” She hung up.

Come 10:00 a.m. the air was warm with sunshine and a gentle breeze. He ate enough brunch for energy and was half a block away from the beach. Both of us called home; my parents were upset that I hadn’t text last night but admitted they were not surprised. Katie was at another beach but didn’t want me to know where. My guess was Sarai was in the area. Mom knew we got hassled and were very supportive. Jenni’s folks felt the same, but Mr. Hanz’ hoped Jenni understood that was the reality of the world.

We each had many messages and nine out of ten were supportive; especially pleased with us were the seniors.

We went to the beach to find Hope, Monica, and Tiffany. Monica and Hope were not there yet and Tiffany wasn’t coming. There were three other couples, of guys and girls. More guys, some of whom asked if we were alone? The guys insisted we would be better off with them. Two took our hint that we were together. We moved closer to the lifeguards to play it safe. The water was a very cold 62f. We initially walked at the water’s edge. Hope and Monica’s dates went into the water being macho but were soon out.

Being Saturday night and having a good Jersey boardwalk; we were waiting until then to have some good fun there. We went to the Wharf of the Inlet for dinner. Once we saw two good looking waiters, Jenni and I agreed to one dance for each of us, if asked. Oshie, the owner, approached us on their behalf. It would be a little after we relaxed from our meal. I danced with Lucas and Hayden danced with Jenni. One dance turned to two, but the things ended there. Jenni and I danced mostly with each other or together as a group.

The boardwalk lights were on when we went back out and there was a decent crowd for late May. Jenni thought she had seen Kate and the others, but I didn’t. It was not in either’s interest to be together.

It was nine-thirty when Jenni was back in our room. We showered together and there was foreplay and were kissing. We did end up physically making out. First as a boy and girl. Jenni directed me in pleasing her the first time. Knowing better what to do we enjoyed each other better. Jennie’s moans of pleasure were deeper and lasted longer. The truth was my boy parts didn’t return much enjoyment for me. It was the romance and being together that drove me.

I wanted to give Jennie more attention in the morning. Jennie knew better less her parents thought we had gone too far. Katie later told me that was true for both of us. But she was glad I grew a little more.

I was laxer with my makeup when we checked out which made the registrar clerk upset that I had fooled them to think I was fully a girl. Hope and her boyfriend had breakfast with us and Hope insisted I do better with my makeup before we started home.

It was Memorial Day Weekend the following week when our school celebrated graduation. I had to help my parents with Katie’s celebration. Katie going to the University of Penn with honors was quite an achievement.

My having my best semester yet, had happened without my realizing it. But Ms. Jennifer from the Augustana had not. She was also impressed with how much I had progressed in transitioning. Jennifer told me, “I believe if you beginning running this summer; you will be ready to run next year at the college level. You will be receiving communications from us, young lady.”

Jennifer had been there to represent Augustana as Sarai’s many achievements and scholarships were acknowledge. It would bet the coming week that Sarai would leave. She and I had made up and would have a date before she left. Sarai now had a warm but strained relationship with her mother.

Sarai was leaving in four days; I wanted to talk to her but was making it impossible even for my Mom and Katie to find me. I was tired of talking and didn’t know who to believe. Finally, Sarai told Katie, that she was afraid I would run away.

The truth was the next day I had hidden away and did not respond to those calling me.

Jenni finally told Katie, “Caryn’s too afraid to run away.” She’s smart and if there’s a safe place she can’t be seen or heard. That’s where I’d look for her.”

Katie knew two such places: one could be at the church and another was a small room over our garage. Katie assumed the church would be the second place. Dad checked the meter on the garage and it was using too much electricity. Mom, Dad, and Katie climbed the stairs in stocking feet. Mom knocked and announced we were coming in. I turned out the light 0ut as they came in. Mom simply said, "People are worried about you. Please don’t worry about being in trouble.”

There was a long discussion, and our family was immediately relieved. I called Sarai but didn’t say much, but we agreed to meet late in the morning. Dad threatened to spank or ground Caryn. That didn’t outlast my crying as Caryn.

“I just needed time to think things through?” But I had not made any progress. “Besides Dad’s threat would only work on Gary, not me.”

Mom had brought a pillow and comforter to my room and agreed to stay the night. It was something our mother had done with Katie. She figured it was Caryn’s turn. From 7:30 to nine I got a chat with friends and apologize for scaring them. It wasn’t right at 9:00 p.m. that I stopped and took time with mom. It was a good bonding time, as Mom accepted my thoughts and feelings. Before we went to sleep; I had a new appreciation of us being mom and daughter.

The next night I visited Sarai at the Duvalls and then took her out. Mrs. Duvall was cordial, and probably a little hurt about how joyful Sarai was. Sarai was excited to be with me as we picked up our friendship. “I’m sorry, Caryn. I knew giving in to my parents would hurt us. It hurt me more than you know, but I hid that from you.”

Neither talked about the prom, instead, we made promises that we’d see each other during the holidays.

The night before she left she had dinner over at my house. She was delighted at my growing taste in clothes, and how I carried myself as Caryn. It was a tearful goodbye when I took her home. I was not to receive her off. That was reserved for the extended family.

Monday, I went to stay at Cousin Megan’s in preparation for her wedding. Luckily I was very much a girl now in my habits. I did get my eyes open as a university student she was no longer the cousin I knew growing up. I was to stay with Megan in her room. When I was first shocked at seeing her in all her glory; she laughed and said, “That’s the purpose of this week. Come wedding day when we change I want as little difference as possible between you and my other bridesmaids.”

Travis the groomsman I was to be paired with, acted disinterested in me during rehearsal. He and I got along quite well during the wedding and we made it through the dancing at the reception. He had a girlfriend and was not interested in another. He was interested more in drinking with the college guys.

I did dance with a few people during the reception and enjoyed doing so all dressed up. Grandma Edwards and I were becoming closer.

Beginning to run again was not as easy as I hoped, but I ran well. Soon I was running better. I knew sometime during the season I would probably equal Sarai and maybe pass her. The state was delaying any definitive ruling on my status. Either way, I would be running and improving for collegiate running in the future. If I could not run officially for my high school it would. hurt sports scholarship.

Coach Higgins knew if I could it meant grief from others protesting I was still a boy.

It was mid-July when I first felt new desires. I was with Katie and Ansley once, when their boyfriends showed up. A friend of Josh’s was with them and I liked the idea of going to a dance with them. We went dancing but weren’t an item until another guy tried to push Doug out. It was then that I realized I liked Doug.

Katie and Ansley left me at the boardwalk and went off on their own. Doug like me wanted to major in environmental sciences. My feelings for Doug showed me that there was a bigger world that I was just learning about.

I would miss Katie as she went off to the University of Pennsylvania and we would stay connected. I visited her twice at her university and she was home monthly or sooner. The things she thought in high school were important changed quickly. The second time she was home I knew she was the same but forever different.

My communication with Sarai was holding much the same message. It ached my heart that Sarai and I might grow apart.

Amy an old friend from when we were in grammar school called me up in early August. She called me up in early August. “I was wondering,” she said, “if you have a girlfriend to go shopping with for school clothes. I like who you are becoming. Nothing romantic mind you, but I’d like being friends again.”

It was with Amy and visits with my Mom that I somewhere decided to discover who I am one day at a time.”

Transitioning proved harder than expected, I know Dr. Michele Watts and others had told me. I thought I’d prove them wrong. Even after my body was changing, there were more adjustments than I realized. My legs responded more like Katie’s to running. I would experience soreness and aches that were called growing pains. I wasn’t growing in the general sense of the word.

I had to stop practicing several times. I continue to like dressing as a girl. My appearance as Caryn changes and my hair doesn’t always cooperate. I use a ponytail more often when my hair won’t do as I wish.

Ms. Stafford knew me as Gary, but somehow we’re getting along better as teacher and student. “I want to encourage you Caryn to integrate your computer work to became a stronger research tool.” She’s my advanced Chemistry teacher for environmental science. She had me and three other girls, including Julie be part of a lab program. She was disappointed with us being what she called shrinking violets out on our nature labs around the guys.

I complained because I had lost some upper body strength. She said, “You can do more than you think, you only need to concentrate and use more of the strength you have. I want you to develop more of the abilities that you do have… I don’t want you mimicking Harvey or Jack. You’re not them anymore you and Julie are twins.”

I continued to be a member of the cross-country team and one of the co-captains, but I wasn’t always the fastest woman runner on our team. I liked being one of the women but I was frustrated that I wasn’t a leader like I planned as Gary.

Sarai had informed me, that she felt a need to have more of a social life than she had. We agreed to so we approved that we could go out with others.

Finally is was early-October that I was improving again as a runner. I was a full thirty seconds behind where Sarai was at this time last year. The next two weeks I was running faster until I strained an ankle running on a wet course. I was able to continue running, but now my ankle had a warp and my improvement came to a halt.

Dane invited me to go with him to homecoming and it was between him and Jolie a senior girl. Jolie is into art and drama. It was ironic to me that Dane felt slighted losing me to a girl. Jolie and I were in the school’s LGBT community. We decided to go as friends. She knew of my friendship with Sarai and she had a friend two years older at a university. Jeanna, her love, had no interest in going to a high school event.

The school year progressed and I was becoming a better student. Dr. Watts was pleased with my development. I was now seventeen and asked when I was going to stop changing. Dr. Watts laughed as had my mother and sister. “I think, your transitioning is over until you decide to undergo SRS. What you will continue to experience is the changing of a woman’s body.”

Come prom, Sarai was home and we went to the prom together. Sarai had changed with being away as she said I had as well. Her mother had given in to the fact that Sarai loved me. The Prom was more wonderful than last year. We both knew more about being romantic with the other.

Come late July I was to Auggie to begin my cross country running, and while the team was cordial and encouraging I was not the runner Sarai is. Sarai once again had me out running early and back to enjoying running; it wasn’t the same. My times were getting better, but at a slower pace than was hoped for. My improvement came in my stamina and their conditioning program getting me into better all-around shape.

Come January, I found myself enjoying intermural sports like basketball and volleyball. Heather, who I met last year, was a closer friend. I knew Sarai was seeing different guys. But I was surprised when Heather gave me a hug and kiss, saying it was time we are closer friends. We were in her room and I grabbed her as she pushed me back onto her bed.

I had communicated back to Dr. Watts and she with Dr. Leslie Moore at Sioux Falls set into motion applying and getting approval for my SRS. I was wanting it back home, but Dr. Michele encouraged me to do it out here. Dr. Moore invited Dr. Watts out to Sioux Falls to begin a new Gyn-OB practice that included a larger sports-medicine practice.

It was late July that Dr. Moore, with Dr. Michele present in the surgery, performed my surgery. My parents and Katie were there as I woke post-op with my boy parts missing and my vagina taking shape.

My breasts developed with little help into nice breasts. I had stopped using cutlets except to flatter my appearance as I wished.

Come her junior year, Sarai had become one of Auggie’s premier female runners and they were consistently vying to be first or second in all of their meets. Sarai had become seriously involved with Dennis Olivette a rising businessman.

I had continued to run cross-country into my sophomore year, but when they were recruiting high school runners who would soon be better. I quit the team with the staff’s blessing. I spent my sophomore year concentrating on my studies.

It was on a research weekend that I met Breann Dorft from the University of Minnesota at Mankato. We were very cold from having worked outside on a brutally cold day. We had gone out to eat together and found ourselves cozy under the same blanket watching a program. Breann was the first to suggest we go back to our shared room.

It was during spring break that we were next together and knew we were falling in love. It was Easter weekend that I was invited to the Dorfts. Helen Dorft informed me, “We knew Breann was a lesbian since she was in high school. You’re not the first love that Breann and brought home, but I can tell she’s taken with you in a new way.”

Bree had a brother and two sisters and she lived just inside of Iowa in a lake community. It was closer than Mankato, Minnesota, and became a place we would rendezvous when we had a three day or longer time to be together.

It was during a visit with Dr. Watts that she reminds me of the sperm I had frozen away. It was the next time together that approached the subject. Breann became giddy; “I hadn’t dared to ask you. I didn’t want you to think I loved you for the wrong reason…”

Story to be continued…