The gathering Saturday night was at Sarai Duvall’s. Sarai was happy but said we were a week early. She said, “The time to celebrate will be next week after the state meet.” From recruiters, to her family, to the team, classmates and community everyone was proud of her.

Something for me was different; I was dressed as Gary, but talking with the girls I felt more and more like Caryn. I noticed how they were dressed, how they did their hair and I was listening to their talking about their boyfriends and who liked who. Sarai nudged me, “Ground control to Gary, where are you?”

She said to me, “One, I want to thank you for suggesting to the recruiter that I had a strategy. The recruiters were not my worry as I ran the course. You must have remembered the one you spoke to from a month ago. I’m glad you’re here but partially surprised you’re not off celebrating with the boys. You might have been up there with Matt if you didn’t start back in the pack.”

“I could still get there if you want. But, I feel so comfortable here. I feel like I should have come as Caryn.” Sarai snuggled me, “Yeah, I saw her look on your face.”

I soon excused myself, saying I was going to catch up with the guys. But it wasn’t my intention. I drove around for a while, thinking I’d go home. Then found me at the pizza place Matt was at. It felt strange, I didn’t feel like I was one of the guys tonight. Matt was cheerful saying, “Hey Gary, where have you been. Everybody’s been missing you.”

Chuck said, “I thought you probably went to Sarai’s first. Don’t you feel out of place over there?”

Matt guarded his words, “With the two of you I have two of the faster runners, pressing me to do my best! I want to congratulate you both on how well you’ve done this year.” There were some cheers and applause that soon died down.

I lifted my drink to lead a cheer with. “Matt, you have one more run for us and you’ll be on the All-State Team. You’ve set the pace for all of us. We’re your team; everyone congratulates the man of the hour, our runner of the year, and one week from our #1 runner at state!” The cheers and yells went up and held for a good two minutes.

It hit me I would be the top returning guy for next year and Patti Duncan would be the top girl. Being a guy didn’t look so bad thinking of it like that. Trevor stopped me, “Hey Gary, I promise I’ll go out for track and be a better runner for next year’s team. I want to thank you for encouraging me earlier in the season.” Lionel spoke, “Man I was impressed by how you came back after you lost that silly bet. I’m not planning on wearing any skirt, but you impressed me. You’ll have my vote for team captain.”

I said, “Let me finish this year and let us get on Matt’s bandwagon and finish the season behind him.”
It ended up being one of my better nights by the time I left for home I was comfortable with having been at Sarai’s and now with the guys.

Once home, my mom asked, “Where were you, Katie called saying you were coming home early from Sarai’s.” I explained that I drove around and then went to be with the members of the boys’ team. Mom says, “That sounds like a healthy thing to do if Gary and Caryn are both continuing. But was there more to why you left Sarai’s?”

“Mom, they were talking about their hair, clothes, and boyfriends. I was envious of the hair and clothes and I’m not interested in boys. But when Sarai stepped out of the room they asked me if I was interested in boys yet? Well, I’m not and don’t intend to be. I waited until Sarai was back and then excused myself.”

Sunday when we attended church, some people even mentioned they missed Caryn that I made a good girl. Marcy Reuther rescued me and drove me home. She gave me a gift from her and her aunt. There was a pair of Marcy’s earrings and a new skirt outfit. Mom insisted I model it for her and Katie. We all agreed that Marcy had good tastes in clothes. Finally, my dad requested, can you come down as Caryn and show me the clothes. I might not understand everything, but we’re a family and I don’t want to be out of the loop. I am glad that I have you back as Gary, but there’s more to you than that.”

We had one of our better family times and it was well after midnight before we went to bed.

I was up early to run with Sarai; I was there before her and Patti to where we ran. I was wearing Katie’s old leggings as well as my running skirt. Both Sarai and Patti were amused. I quickly dispel their questions if Caryn was going to school. ‘No, she wasn’t.’

The football team won their game Friday night and got the lion's share of attention. Matt and Sarai and three of the rest of us running in the State meets were hardly noticed.

Sarai, Ashley, Patti, and I went shopping after school. I was looking for something colorful in the way of a coat. Sarai found a colorful shirt styled coat with strips of many colors. I wondered if I really wanted it. I tried it on and quickly thought it was me.

It was a heavyweight corduroy, and I was able to find a medium that would allow me to wear regular clothes or my cross-country stuff underneath. Ashley raised the thought, “You know not every guy would be brave or crazy enough to wear that? Some guys will hassle you if you wear it.”

I asked, “Are you going to be too embarrassed to be around me when I wear that? It is for me and not as Caryn.”

Ashley said, “I would hope you think better of me than that. I even saw a pair of unisex jeans in the light blue or orange that would be good with it.”

Sarai said, “If you get the two of them you should get a white blouse to embrace Caryn as well.” The coat wasn’t that expensive, but the jeans didn’t come cheap and the nice white satin blouse we agreed on put it close to $200, which would be expensive for me.

I tried all three on and had a photo of me taken and sent to Katie, ‘What do you think?’

I quickly got a reply, “If you need money, I’m in for twenty from my savings. You should buy unisex shoes for the outfit.”

I soon had a message from mom, “I’ll help with the shoes if you get them.” I did try on shoes but there were three pairs and I decided to wait until I was sure which pair I wanted. No sooner than I was home and Katie saw the three pairs that I tried on. She not only chose the one I was leaning to buy but showed a dress and two of Caryn’s outfits that went great with it. There were the jeans and two outfits of Gary’s that I liked with them.

I wore the jeans, and coat to school on Thursday. I received a note before lunch to get my lunch and to bring it to Principal Collins’ office. ‘No, you are not in trouble.’ There was a smiley face showing on my note.

She was out to greet me as I carried my food tray to her office. I looked into her office before I went in. Therewith his food tray was Coach Higgins. He had looked up, smiled, and waved me in. Principal Collins closed the door behind her and began to speak. She said, “Gary, we’re not sure where or how you’re going to come to do in coming out. Your Coach and I do want you to know we are in support of your journey. Neither of us thinks it’s going to be easy for you, but your journey to explore possibilities will set a tone for others, and how this school is going to foster it is going to be important for us.”

I spoke up, “I don’t think me being me, will make it easy or difficult for you. I know not everyone likes what I do. My Momma’s afraid I or others around me might hurt or threaten. I don’t want that but I don’t think I can just stop being me.”

Coach Higgins joked, “Well, I think I’m safe for at least another year. We’re set to have our best season on record, I don’t think they’ll fire or demote me this year.”

I joked, “Next year will be tough, we will only have two state qualifiers coming back.”

“Enough, let us eat and just lightly talk,” said the Principal. She did comment on my coat asking where I bought it.

Coach said, “Did you realize how much Matt improved after you first ran in the running skirt? It wasn’t the skirt, but your newfound spirit. He’s enjoyed running more and he’s been nicer to Pam too. Better colleges have been noticing him as a prospect.”

I said, “Matt being happier has made her happier.”

The coach said, “You can ask him, but I think you showing respect to Sarai, kind of caused Matt to change. His change made their relationship better and him a better runner. He hadn’t run to please her since they first dated last year. But that’s my thought and it's between us.”

Before our time was over, Coach said, “I can’t say when I was your age that I treated boys who were different very well. It wasn’t until a good friend at college got hurt because he came out. I have a lot of respect for you. I do not want you to get hurt, I want you to know I’m a friend as well as a coach. I wasn’t sure how to safely convey that. Principal Collins helped us to have this time.”

It was the first time I remembered tearing as Gary. That Principal Collins gave me a lace handkerchief wasn’t lost in the moment either.

A funny result of us getting together was how many people I needed to assure that I’m not in trouble. It was reassuring to me to know they were open and supportive. Even Sarai wouldn’t believe me at first. We had gone to her house to study after school. Sarai went upstairs to change and I got out my tablet and a reading book.

Mrs. Duvall greeted me as she was at home, “Is it Gary or Caryn that we have the pleasure of having this afternoon?”

My reply was, “Can’t you tell by looking at me?”

She said, “Yes, I see you’re Gary by outer appearance, but I wasn’t sure.” I smile.

“Mrs. Duvall, doesn’t it bother you that I have a feminine side as well? You were right to question, Caryn’s here too.”

She lightly laughed, “You’re the one she’s taken too; somehow she looked past your demeanor as that quick mouthed shy boy and saw you for more. You were either going to be a happier and better runner or be the motivation for her to improve her running. I don’t think anyone expected both to the level you have risen to.” We continued to talk, and she asked, “Did you know Caryn was down inside waiting to come out?”

I was becoming uncomfortable dressed as Gary to be talking so much as Caryn. I hesitated. I felt a breeze come over me, like a spirit. “Yes, like now, I’m very much Caryn as well as Gary. I like being dressed as Caryn when speaking of myself. But ‘no’, I thought I had been pushed this part so far down. I was surprised Sarai’s actions let me come to the surface. My male ego found a way to wrap myself in that running skirt. Day by day that first week things came together and I started to embrace my identity.”

She said, “But even by the end of that week, I don’t think you were accepting Caryn was really you?”

“You’re right,” I said, “even when I was getting closer to homecoming, I thought Caryn would magically disappear because she couldn’t be me. Yet I was yearning to be Caryn, she was outgoing and made friends easier. Things were still awkward for Gary. Most of my new friends were girls. Some guys were hanging around because I was running well.”

Sarai spoke up behind me, she had changed and back down. She remarked, “I never heard you talk so much as Caryn while dressed as Gary. I hope that speaks of your comfort level, accepting that you’re one person.” Sarai came up to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as her mom was there. She whispered, “You could ask my mom if you could change into one of my skirts. Otherwise, we should get studying.”

We studied until 5:00 when Sarai brought two magazines, one was all about fashion, while the other was for teen girls. Some fashion and some about boys that girls were interested in. Sarai asked which of the boys Caryn would like. “I’m sure you’ve heard there are some boys interested in going out with you.”

When I denied hearing any such thing; she said, “Isn’t Neal part of your group of friends? Ashley said she was there when he acknowledged being fond of Caryn? Neal said, once, when his feelings were hurt Caryn consoled him, by telling him he’s an attractive boy. Neal thanked you and hugged you.”

I said, “That was two weeks ago and nothing came of it. That was me not Caryn. Neal knew I was just being a friend.”

I soon called Katie and got a ride home. Katie knew I was upset about something, but I refused to talk about it.

Friday was finally here and I was so anxious about the meet. Not only would I wear my multi-colored coat, and cute shoes. “Mom, I have the urge to wear the satin blouse along with the orange skirt that Katie gave me.”

Mom said, “I’ll need to write a note permitting you to be Caryn today. Are you wanting to acknowledge that you’re coming out as transgender? The administration knows it, but this will serve as notice to your friends and classmates. Are you ready for that?”

Katie spoke up, “I think she got up extra early so she can do it right. I think he should send a note to Coach Higgins as well as Sarai. Someone should be ready for Caryn showing up.” It was a good idea; I was surprised I hadn’t thought of it.

“To Coach Higgins, I am coming to school as Caryn today. It’s just a whim, it will be Gary tomorrow for the state meet at Redwood. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m telling you, not asking. I can’t guarantee it won’t be Caryn next year. Respectfully, Gary”

I called Sarai, “Hi Sarai, I’m calling to let you know, I’m coming to school as Caryn. Mom’s written me a note for the school that officially says I’m transgender. I expect Ms. Jacobi will better understand why I like women’s studies. She's my second teacher, I’m hoping she will hear it first from me.”

Sarai says, “I’m glad to hear it. I’m just a little nervous that you’re doing this because of me. I never intended to have you turn into a girl. I know we’ve talked about it, but this is earlier than anything we talked about.”

I tell her that I’m wearing the harvest gold skirt with the leaf print blouse. It was attractive, but more of an everyday fall outfit.

I get a reply from Coach Higgins, “I’d rather you not, but thanks at least for giving me a heads-up.”

I was on my camera phone with Sarai and she helped me as my makeup would be different. I am sure she was more certain how my look would turn out for me.

Once at school Brad Harms was the first to roughly get across to me. “Gary, you already went too far, you’re not embarrassing the school again. You’re a fair runner nothing more. You get way too much attention. I won’t let you represent us like you are.” He grabbed my purse, trying to get me to drop my tablet as well. I held onto both, though I heard the strap brake.

“Brad stop it; I’m not representing anyone but me. You might not like it but this is me. ***t, you broke it.” I knew not to get in a fight that could cause me to be suspended. “Ouch! Don’t pull my hair!” Finally, I squatted on the floor. Brad tried to kick me but I moved and his momentum caused him to fall.

Upon the first teacher and then a security person arriving; I began to stand and survey my damages. Brad had left. My hair was a mess and I was sure my clothes were in disarray. The teacher wanted me to go to the nurse and security wanted me to go to the office. I went back to my locker.

Putting my things down and looking at myself in the mirror on the back of my locker door; I started putting myself back together by brushing my hair back into place. I breathed a sigh of relief when Hope asked me to go with her to one of the girls’ rooms. I was able to unzip my skirt, tuck in my blouse, and align the straps of my bra before putting myself back together. I only partially did my makeup, since Hope said we needed to get going.

I was right Ms. Jacobi was delighted to see me as Caryn. She did qualify her greeting saying, “Being a woman is more about substance than appearance… You know the other person won’t get more than a good talking to. Women, especially T-girls, don’t count.”

Coach asked for me after lunch, saying he was happy I wasn’t really hurt and that it didn’t become a bigger incident. He mentioned my disheveled hose as he wants to make sure I would be able to run.

Sarai had gotten a spare pair of pantyhose to me, and I was able to use Coach Butler’s office to put them on. “Ms. Butler, I just want to be me today. It shouldn’t have been anything special except for me.” Before I could go back to class, Ms. Butler sat with me.

“Caryn, I’m not sure, but I guess they see you as Gary and that Caryn was just for fun and wasn’t to continue.” I wasn’t really expecting an answer: ‘Some people accept me, some might in the future and some probably never would that’s just how it is.’

I saw my sister Katie as I was changing classes. I could tell she was worried about her little sister. I smiled and tried to indicate I was okay, at least for now.

I was happy about the end of the school day. Katie would give me a ride home after several of us went window shopping.

Tomorrow’s the State Meet and Sarai had bought me a panty from the women’s athletic clothes section. It was in our team colors and Sarai likened it to a knight wearing a scarf from the woman I’d be running for…

To be continued… The State Cross-Country Meet