I went to the restaurant with my family and Ashley, and seemingly not far enough away as others recognized me. There were two people and they couldn’t have been more different if they planned it. Mrs. Harder came over to us and after giving a cold but cordial greeting to my parent she turned her aggression on to me. “Gary, young lady, or whatever you’re pretending to be. I hope you’ll soon get this sinfulness out of your system. I’m not a religious lady, I only know that you disgust me like this… That you’d embarrass your parents and your school running around as a floozy is terrible…”

She tried going on, but I interrupted her, even before my parents reacted. “Mrs. Harder while I can accept that you differ with me. True this started with a silly bet, but I’ve been open about it from the start. I didn’t expect it to go this far, nor did I expect I would like being a girl and taking pride in how I present myself, but I have.”

She cut back in, “I don’t want to be talked back to by a rude young man. Though you’re not much of a man.”

My Mom stood up with my father with her, “Mrs. Harder, this is neither time nor the place for this. Here’s my telephone number, if you’d like to call and talk about this later.” Mrs. Harder looked around and realized she had made a scene that she didn’t expect. She took the slip of paper and left as she and her party were done eating.

The next person was Deb Dobbins of Deb’s Clothiers and she had Mrs. Marcos the owner of the restaurant with her. “I just thought you should know that you present well as a young lady and your composure as you responded to being attacked are to be commended.

Mrs. Marcos, “You know, I usually don’t take sides in the differences of my customers but you need to know you are very welcome here. I will have a gift certificate for your next visit as a young woman.” Mrs. Marcos gives a light giggle, “Young Denise, told me; Deb might just be siding with you because you’re a new customer.”

Ashley asked, “Ms. Dobbins is your store open today. We are hoping to shop, and we’re interested in seeing Caryn’s homecoming dress.”

Deb said, “We’re not, but if you’re serious and Denise will help me we’ll open up for a while. Once we’re open, some others tend to stop in and shop as well.”

Ashley turns to my sister Katie, who was hoping to go shop without me. “Caryn, you’ll need to be buying something as well.”

A third woman stopped as we were finishing up our dinner. “Caryn or Gary which is it? I don’t see any sign that you’re a boy, but I commend you if you are. I also want to thank you. I was afraid dinner was going to be ruined for all of us.”

“I ran track and cross-country way back when girls and their uniforms weren’t given much attention. Dressing a boy up in our minds is nothing new, and if it happened we didn’t expose what we did.”

Katie spoke up, “Wait, you’re not saying you dressed up boys as girls back then.”

The woman made a big smile, “Yep, I’m not saying who, but if you ever get a hold of the 1979 Jordan High Yearbook. If you do look at the boys’ cross-country team think of which boy or boys you think would make pretty girls.” The woman walked out having paid her bill without telling her name or anything more.

Dad went home, but Mom and I rode with Katie and Ashely to Deb’s Clothiers. Even before we were in the store. Deb, Denise, and the older daughter Charice had other customers driving in.

Charice, a college student in retail management, was with us and Deb was giving attention to three women as well as checking the store.

Denise, a first chair violinist at our school had out her violin and was soon playing music. She had changed into a pretty dress and brushed out her hair. She whispered, “Only for you young lady.”

I whispered back, “This is getting to be like a dream.”

Then there was a skirt with a gray sash like top to it that went down on the left side that caught my eye.

Denise said, “See if there’s a size 8 with a lace sash; I think you would look good in it.” I looked and there were two, one in gray and one in dark blue. I was attracted more to the gray one. I didn’t intend to try it on, but I did. My sister Katie liked it and bought a blue one.

Denise walked over to where my coral pink dress was and played a love song whose title I could not remember. Kate and Ashley were soon over there, with Kate lifting the dress in front of me. “Is this the one, Denise? It even goes well with her skin complexion.” Ashley comes over with a powder blue, lace skater dress. She said this would look cute on Saturday night for the dance.”

I tried it on and said, “Maybe I should get this one for the contest, the football game, and the dance. I’m not buying two.”

My Mom says, “That won’t work; the lace dress won’t be enough to protect you from the elements at the football game.”

Mom turned to look at Denise asks, “How much are the two of them?”

I looked at the price tags, $79 for the lace dress, and $89 for the coral pink dress. Denise says, “You’re looking at over $160 with tax and we’ll include alterations. Are you open to adding a little shapewear for your waist and hips? Does she have purses that go with both dresses?”

I was saying, “No to the shapewear…” When Katie interrupted me, saying, “Absolutely, Caryn. Without it, you will at best look like a thin boy in nice dresses.”

Mom says, “If the shapewear adds just enough, we’re not wanting to shout girl if you know what I mean.” Charice had gotten the shapewear piece that Denise mentioned. While I felt it, I had no idea what I was looking for or what to avoid.

Ashley and Katie both felt it and then looked at me; Ashely saying, “I think it would give enough to your hips to give you a more feminine look.”

Katie said, “Think before you try it. You need to try it to make sure you want it, but shapewear like other delicates can’t be put back as new after they are tried on.”

Charice says, “I’m sure enough that you’ll like the difference if you’re serious that I’ll charge you only if you buy it.”

I turned to my mother, “If we get all of this, you can take a hundred dollars out of my savings.”

“This little bet of yours is getting costly,” Mom said.

I ask my mother if I can talk to her alone before we buy anything. We went to an area where no one was very close. “Mom, I want to get all this, but I think I need a counselor to talk with as well as you and dad.”

Mom replies, “If this is hurting you in any way, I’ll put a stop to it right now. You have been a good sport, but don’t let all this hurt you.”

“Mom, it’s not hurting me, I’m a better person. I just think it would be helpful to talk with someone.”

Mom hugs me and says, “Thanks for trusting me. I have access to a counselor through my workplace. She would be a good one to talk with or she’ll be happy to point us in the direction to find someone.”

The shapewear did give me a feminine shape without being too much. When I tried on the dresses over it. They looked so nice that they sent goosebumps up and down my arms. I was sure Katie noticed, but she offered compliments without any teasing.

We decided on getting the lace dress as Sarai had said that I should have a second dress for the dance. With Ashley’s comments, I was fairly sure I’d get the other dress, but that was now up to Sarai and me. Hopefully, we would shop for it soon.

The next morning, running with Sarai goes well as we make practicing a joy as we push one another. Monday and Tuesday at school are quite the same. The one difference is I am back in Mrs. Jacobi’s group of girls. I am, for the most part, to be quiet and let others express their thoughts and feelings. It takes a while for me to figure out what they’re talking about as some are talking about a monthly visitor, others have cramps and bloating. They laugh at my remark, “Why do you girls choose to put up with this thing?” And I felt ignorant as they had to explain it to me.

Tuesday, the Cross-Country team leaves school a half-hour early to get to a neighboring school for our next cross-country meet. I was going to leave off the running bra that I wore the previous meet, when Coach Higgins asked, “Are you going against the tradition that tells you not to change anything when it all comes together.”

After the others got off the team bus, Sarai helped me to quickly change and get on a spare sports bra that another girl gave to me. With only two other schools running; it was not so much about the place but my finishing time. Yet without enough other runners to challenge someone; it was hard to gauge how well I was doing.

Matt today would be strongly challenged by Harvey Bronowski of the host school. Chuck pushed me to slow my start as the starting gun sounded. While it would make little difference in this long of a race, it was annoying. It was interesting to hear Sarai say, “Don’t let him change your running plan.” I realized to get angry at Chuck could easily have caused me to tense up.

I did go into my longer strides earlier; I knew I would do better doing so. Come, the second leg of the meet Chuck and I were running even. It was during the third leg I decided to move ahead; it was now my turn to tease Chuck. “Don’t look now but you might lose to two skirted runners.”

Doing as I expected, Chuck turned on his other side to look for Sarai. As he turned, I stepped up my pace and soon had a gap between us. Between turning and being surprised by my spurt; Chuck stumbles before he regained his stride. Finishing ahead of Chuck in one meet, wouldn’t make me the number two runner, but it would be good for me.

It was Katie saying, “Caryn, Michaels is less than fifteen seconds ahead of you. Good running, enjoy.” She didn’t warn me about who was behind me, she encouraged me. It meant I could focus and try to catch Michaels if I thought I had it in me. Another two hundred feet and I heard Ashley remark about me having good looking legs. The humor was helpful.

Before I was within sight of the finishing line I gave my last kick to beat Michaels. Next, I heard two timers give times, but I couldn’t tell what the difference was or who beat who. I soon learned Harvey lost first to Matt, Jay Saunders for Anvil High finished third. Michaels or I were fourth. While fifth would be great for me, I would so treasure getting fourth. It was Sarai’s friend, Mandi, first, let me know that Michaels and I tied for fourth. She walked with me, helping me to stay up and not cramp up. She smelled very nice while I knew I was grimy and sweaty.

I looked in time to the girls’ finishing line to see Sarai edge out Tracy Burmeister for first among the girls. While I wanted Sarai’s attention, she and Tracy were initially celebrating their record times and their race. It caused me to search out Michaels and to celebrate our finish.

Next, I hunted out Katie and Ashley to thank them for their help in running my race. Chuck congratulated me on my finish, but I wasn’t fully happy with him, nor he with me. He had finished tenth when he and I should have been running for fourth or fifth. I wanted to make a curt remark about him wearing a skirt. But he would think of it as a putdown, I no longer did.

Once home Mom remarked, “The Psychologist Deborah Moore is open to you being one of her clients and you would only have to wait four weeks. But she has another counselor with an MSW Bree Weis and she will see you Friday morning. They’re wanting to make sure things are seen early to ascertain your need to meet with someone. Bree’s been part of their team for seven years and very capable.”

I chatted with Sarai as well as Katie, yet that night. It was no longer a big deal to me to get up early and run with Sarai, and come back, shower dress nicely for school. I liked the stretching exercises I did with Sarai and how I felt.

I guess come Wednesday, I was sitting up straighter, keeping my legs closed when I sat and checked my appearance more often.

It was only when Ms. Bree Weis mentioned it at my appointment, did it come to my attention. I said, “I don’t know where to start or if it is even important since it will be over next week after homecoming.”

Ms. Weis invited me to call her Bree if I wished. She asked me, “How long ago did you start dressing publicly in clothes usually for girls?” I told her about the bet and that I kind of embraced the idea instead of being a bad loser or victim.

“Since you have embraced it, instead of allowing it to become an albatross; what are you wanting help with? It was you that requested to see someone, was it not?”

“Well, I kind of like it, but I know I shouldn’t. And I’ve researched on my own. It is not just wearing clothes. I feel like a girl inside, which would make me transgender, but I don’t want to lose my boy parts. So I can’t be transgender.” I pause, not knowing what else to say.

I look to Ms. Weis, I have tears in my eyes which embarrasses me. Neither of us says anything and I reach to grasp her hand and she let me hold it.

Finally, Bree says, “I’m not saying you’re transgender, but being a trans-girl doesn’t require one losing his genitals. Being transgender can span a broad spectrum of how one sees their self.”

“You mentioned earlier that the problem would only last another week until your homecoming is over. Do you think your feelings of wanting to be a girl will end there?”

I said, “I guess you already know the answer. I don’t know, part of me is hoping.” I stopped and then said, “Plus I got too many nice girl clothes that it would be a shame not to wear them, But what will others think. My parents have been good sports about me doing this, but I don’t think they would like it if I continued as Caryn.”

Bree said, “My understanding is that your Mom is the one you talked to and who helped you set up this appointment. Plus you indicated the clothes were not inexpensive. That shows support. How have they indicated they expect or want this to stop?”

I quietly thought, then Bree asks me about my sister and if I’ve had the support of any friends. She seemed amused that Sarai became a friend and then a girlfriend. She did a good job of not showing it, but I’m sure I was right. ‘She thinks I’m being foolish and this is all in my head.’

Finally, she said as a reflection: “You seem to be doing better through this. I do think there is enough to warrant us to continue having these sessions if you like. I think you are healthier than you’re giving yourself credit for.” The next appointment was scheduled for the following Thursday at 6:00 p.m. She and I agreed I would continue to see her for now.

She did ask me to intentionally dress and be Gary on Sunday and other days if it would help. I went back to school and thankfully had a quiz in one class. It forced me to have my head back in school.

I asked my mom on the way back, and later Sarai, “Did you notice that I was sitting up straighter and doing some things more like your girls?” Sarai mentioned that it started on Wednesday. Along with what I mentioned she mentioned my pulling on my skirt hem when I sat and placing at least one hand in my lap. “You’re pretty good at checking your makeup and doing your lips on the fly as well.”

Today was also the third day in a row that a girl checked if I had any tampons or panty shields. I didn’t know if it was for amusement to see if I had them or they had a serious need. But it amused me as we seemed friends.

That night we went out for dinner as a group and because we had another cross-country meet Saturday, several of us had to be home by 8:00 and were to be to bed by nine.

Mom and I talked once I was ready for bed. She asked, “How did you feel about your appointment? And your day?” I saw my time with her like I’d imagine a mother-daughter time that she’d have with Katie. I was sure she had no idea that I was jealous of Katie for that.

It was easier talking with my mom because of my talk with Ms. Bree. Mom echoed back to me, “Do you think this might continue after homecoming and you’ve fulfilled your agreement with Sarai?”

Mom said something I hadn’t thought about. She said, “You might not want to be wearing a bra as often as you do. It appears your fatty tissue is forming the shape of your bra cups. That would be difficult on times you’re dressed as Gary.”

The revelation was new, but I took it another way. I liked the idea of having small breasts; after all, even going to bed I had on Caryn’s teddy bear pajamas. My dreams about being like girls were not unsettling as Mom and Bree thought. The unsettling thing that night was I had a wet dream, being excited as a girl.

Saturday’s regional meet included running against more and some bigger division schools. The boys and girls would also run separately. Thus, I got to cheer on Sarai and the other girls I knew. While Sarai was near the front of her group of runners, she might not be first as she usually was.

Come the end of their race Sarai was among five girls competing for first. The good news was she beat three of the others, but a girl named Tiffany beat her by a full three seconds. Which to Sarai’s first thought was ‘too much.’ It would take a while for Sarai to realize that Tiffany caused her to beat her own best time by ten seconds.

Before I ran Sarai informed me, “You don’t need to wear that running skirt as it might cause you to lose some time off your run.” She agreed with me that having the running skirt was actually motivating me.

The guys' race was next and as I took off the bottom of my warmup outfit, I again got grief coming from boys from the larger schools. One of the funnier ones to my thinking, “Is your school too small to afford enough uniforms for the boys.” Another guy said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if junior here played right field for their softball team.”

I knew Jacob who said that, so I asked, “If I beat you, will you wear a skirt for your next meet?” Jacob ignored me and we were soon set to run. I was partly betting on the fact he didn’t know my improved times. He was one of the guys who had overtaken me last year near the end of the race.

A couple of other guys encouraged me, “We hear you’re running well now, go and beat that big mouth.”

Like in the girls’ run, I knew there were many faster runners. Coach Higgins got my attention, “Remember to run your race and enjoy!”

This course had a good size hill about a thousand meters into the race. I ran to be in the first group running up the hill. I did not charge it like some. But I kept a good pace going up and had enough breath that I kept my pace. Being in the top twenty at this point didn’t mean much, but we were able to space out and run more freely.

I didn’t know where Jacob Frost was, but I was sure he was a distance behind me. It’s funny the different thoughts that cross one’s mind running a route. This route was longer for the guys, but Sarai and I had been running further in practice on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so I knew I was up to this run.

I wasn’t sure who the lead runner was or if I could see him. We’re on the last leg of the run and I’ve passed three more runners. I saw Matt from the back, I wasn’t going to catch up to him but it helped me to know I was doing well. The person timing me said, number nine, 9, as I crossed the finish. I was exhausted and ready to collapse when Sarai got a hold of me from one side and Brenda was on the other, or I would have fallen. Sarai said, “Great going girl, you’re in the top ten. Matt thought he did great getting fourth. This was a longer and more difficult course.”

She swatted me on the backside, “Aren’t you happy you did so well; especially after the teasing you took?”

“Sarai,” I say, “I don’t have the energy to celebrate.”

“Posh, you have one more meet before homecoming and your times have improved and your joy for running is back.” She was right and I’m enjoying running again that made the difference.

As Gary’s finishing ninth gets around, more runners are congratulating him. One runner came up to him and offered his sister’s running skirt. “My sister said, if you can get Jacob Frost to wear the skirt she’s willing to donate it to the cause.”

I asked, where his sister was, and she, Layla was coming over to me. “I didn’t really offer it to you, but I have this older one that I’m willing to give you. I like your style.” Sarai and Layla started talking. Layla said, “I’m impressed about how you and your boyfriend have done things. Brenda Leih and I are cousins, and she’s kept me update on how he’s doing. Is he going by Caryn for the time being?”

Layla had a marking pen and handed it over to Gary, “Would you please sign as Caryn on the left hip of my skirt?” Tired or not and Sarai there or not, I got a little excited signing ‘Caryn’ on a girl’s hip.

Layla, Sarai, and I were in line for refreshments when Jacob Frost was walking by. “Hey, Jacob! How did it feel being blown away by a boy wearing a skirt? Someone has given me a skirt to offer to you.”

Jacob turned to acknowledge us, “I hear you did really good Gary. I’m embarrassed enough as it is, I’m not wearing a skirt.” A girl with him stopped, “If one of you gives me your number I’ll send a picture of him in a skirt.” Jacob gets stubborn, “It ain’t going to happen!” Jacob hurried away.

Sarai gives me a big hug and kiss, “Wow, I’m proud of you. You capped off a great meet for the two of us. “You and Matt are putting our school on the map. Two of you in the top ten.”

I said, “Neither of us finished in second place like you did.” It was now my turn to give Sarai a big kiss. I thought, ‘This is so different for me.’ I have new confidence having been around Sarai. She has blue grayish eyes that have begun mesmerizing me.

I lost Sarai to several college people wanting to talk with her. I went to congratulate Matt, but he too had college recruiters interested in him as a senior runner. I got close enough to listen that one college recruiter saw me and asked Matt, “How do you like one of your teammates running in a skirt?”

“Since Gary’s taken to running as Caryn, a number of us have taken to improve our running times. I started well in September, but I’ve taken another fifteen seconds off since he’s showed up in his skirt. Sarai, who finished number two for us, is his girlfriend. One can’t complain about results like that. It is funny as Gary does make a believable girl.” With that, I drifted away.

Sunday, as Ms. Bree Weis requested I dressed as Gary. I felt both good and a bit silly. The clothes were Gary’s but my hair and complexion gave hints of Caryn. My Dad was super proud of my finish in the regional cross-country meet. While Kate and Mom were more interested in how I was doing as Gary.

I called my friend Jon asking if he wanted to do anything. It was my voice, but it didn’t stop him from saying, “I have some ideas as long as you out as Gary.” We drove some fifty miles to see a college basketball game. We had seats in the second row across from the benches. It was the second half when a guy came running into the stands after he slapped the ball to stay in bounds. Unfortunately, I was unable to get out of his way, He both kicked my shin and landed on me. I was kind of groggy when he got up. I let people talk me into going to their Med station. That was when both Jon and a nurse-practitioner, Meg Turner, saw the top of my panties.

Jon joked, “You said, it was Gary, not Caryn, who would be with me. I hope you’re ready to be ridiculed again.”

She did want to check both my leg and my torso from being kicked and handed on. She asked, “Caryn as the high school guy running cross-country? It’s nice to meet you… Jackson who landed on you is a solid 190-pound player… Sorry but I am going to ask your friend Jon to step out as I need to give you a more thorough exam. I am going to have Margret to be in with us it is the proper protocol if I’m to be alone with a male patient.” She did take two ex-rays. I don’t see anything, but I will have others better trained to read them and get in touch with you if we find something. You may choose to have your doctor check as well.”

With the exam done and no one else there needing attention, Meg asked, “So when are you done with the girl thing?”

My head went down and we lost eye contact. “Officially it ends with Homecoming and Sarai taking me to Homecoming as Caryn.” Meg echoed, “I hear a but there, don’t I?” I showed Meg a picture of me in the lace dress.

Before I went back to see the last of the game; Meg said, “The practice I’m in has our office just ten miles away from where you live. And I help teach a nursing class at the community college. I would like to talk to you about being part of a class talking about being Caryn.”

We talked and I agreed to talk further, though I thought taking part in such a class could be embarrassing…

Story to be continued…