Absinthe, Opium and Honor…Chapters 45 & 46.

*Chapter 45.………..

*Before…Jamie’s Part.

I start shutting the lights off and get my purse and my coat and the offer her my arm. “You like games?”
“Like an arcade?”
“Sort of but better.”
“Better?”
“You’ll see, you like Sushi?”
“I’ve never had it but I’ve always wanted to try it.”
“Good first the pachinko arcade then Sushi.”
I offer and she takes my arm and then looks at me. “What’s pachinko?”

*And Now…

I actually walk with Emily to the bus stop and yes I’m still holding her arm and just doing this makes me smile. I can tell she’s looking at me a few times and I look back at her. “I look okay?”

“Yeah, amazing actually…I’m just a little freaked out.”

“Freaked out?”

“This is a very lesbian kind of date so far.”

“Is that a bad thing that this is a very lesbian date so far?”

She smiles and there’s a strong blush there. “Not really…I mean I’ve kinda gone there before and it was…”

“It was?”

“Should I even be kissing and telling?”

I look at her and I can tell by that sparkle in her eyes that whatever it was it was a good thing.

“Definitely not, be a classy lady and don’t kiss and tell.”

“Uhm…okay.”

I stop us and look at her once we get to the bus shelter.

“There’s a whole lot of girls that really act in that tell all and be all gossipy and stuff and that’s fine with some things like a date or something that isn’t intimate. But intimate stuff to me is just that it’s intimate and keeping those things to myself for me well that actually makes it way more private and person and actually keeps the spark of the encounter alive and well because I respect it.”

Emily looks at me and she steps in and lightly kisses me on my lips.

“I like the sound of that actually, I hated the gossipy girls in school and stuff and was hoping to get away from all of that stuff coming here.”

I nod. “Mine was to get away from my family.”

She looks at me. “Bad?”

“Opportunists, never even knew I was trans because I thought that bad about them.”

“Huh?”

“My mother and my sister are both serial gold diggers and users the ones that give all women a bad day.”

“Oh…ick, but I see your gold diggers and raise you fat shaming, sex guilting, relationship guilting and distance guilting.”

Okay now it’s my turn to give her the questioning look. “I can get the fat shaming bullshit.”

She has this sort of rueful look on her face that’s actually drawing in the way she’s expressing.

“Guilt for not having sex, guilt for having sex and not having a steady boyfriend, not wanting to settle and being judged as stuck up and of course this is all coming from my family as well the people I grew up with so there’s the why’d you go so far away, closer would be cheaper, what are you going to do with a fancy degree anyway you just should’ve gone to community college.”

I slip close and lean on her and smile. “Now this is a date, talking about the bad stuff while waiting to take the bus.”

She smiles and it’s a nice smile. Emily is a lot prettier than I think she’d ever give herself credit for. “Actually Jamie, right now this is the best non-bullshit date I’ve ever been on.”

I smile. “Wow, it almost like we’re adults or something.”

Emily smiles and shrugs. “I don’t know about adult I don’t think that I adult very good really and can’t see it as something that’s likely to change.”

I nod. “There are times I even kind of have this whole tightrope and wing walking feel about going through life and then I kind of like that…I was so, somebody else before this and I wasn’t very happy before I started to become myself.”

“You mean transition?”

“I’m not even sure that I’m in transition, just becoming more myself.”

“Well so far I kind of think that Jamie rocks.”

I smile and take her hand and I interlace my fingers with hers. “I agree and thank you.”

She gives me the eyebrow of curiosity.

I grin. “Hey I’m not going to try and be all stuck on myself but I’m not going to do that thing where I’ll sort of disagree with someone saying good things, people do that way too much when we’re told that and especially girls and women.”

Emily looks at me and she nods slowly. “Yeah…wow…do I ever do that…”

I scooch over close like hug close and sort of give her a little tug so she can lean on me. “We get taught not to, we get taught how to act and we just go with it…and then we usually make it worse by sort of telling others how to treat us.”

She lets out a sigh. “Jamie this is actually nice, nobody like actually talks to me. I mean not in like years.”

“I like talking to you.”

“Thanks…that’s…that’s cool to hear.” I can tell that that is something new to hear from people for her.

“I hate being fat-cloaked.”

“Fat-cloaked?”

“Invisible until people want to be shitty to me or some guy’s being gross because all he cares about is my boobs and thinks that I’ll be desperate enough to sleep with him because I’m fat and lonely.”

“Wow that really shitty and really stupid because I think that you’re pretty and that you’re smart and kind of funny and we’re still just getting to know each other.”

Emily looks up at me and she gives me this really sweet smile.

You ever get one of those better than sexy smiles?

I think I really like that heartful you made me feel good sort of smile.

Then bus comes shortly after that and we both head up inside together and we get a few looks since we’re holding hands still but nothing really bad. I kind of really like how Vancouver is sometimes.

I like the bus, well I like city busses especially here in Vancouver where it’s still sort of just this really nice mélange of folks and we have such a rich melting pot here.

Oh you hear a lot from a lot of people about how Vancouver is going Muslim or Sikh or that we’re the new “Yellow Coast.”

It’s all bull really.

One we’re on the pacific coast so we do have a lot of Asians and that in like from all over Asia including places like Indian and Pakistan as well as Chinese and Koreans and all kinds of other folks.

But you go through the city it’s still pretty white, it’s still very white and the immigrant folks are just here in enough numbers to be visible and I guess that’s too much for some white folk.

It’s kinda bad like that back home in Ontario especially when you get out of the bigger cities you hear stuff. Especially from like this older sort of bigot-quiet crowd.

But yeah I like the bus here it’s a trip, not just four loops of town home where it’s morning, mid-day, afternoon and nights and home it’s the two big main streets and then it’s like off down through downtown and then a sort of route through the suburbs.

You don’t see anything, it’s all the same.

Here, I don’t know Vancouver seems alive to me.

Emily looks around and she’s sort of looking like she’s scared and excited and she’s having fun.

“You okay?”

She beams. “Yeah, it’s sort of scary and new but it’s cool and kinda sad.”

“Sad?”

“Yeah two stops ago was just about the furthest I’ve really ever been from campus.”

“Well I can cheat with that I do have a motorcycle and I do like to get out some when I’m not studying.”

“Or working right?”

“Or working but that’s actually an on the side thing for me that is doing okay right now. It’s something I like to do but it’s not going to be something that I’m going to rely on?”

“So…what if it keeps going good?”

“I find a buyer or a partner.”

“So you wouldn’t like pick up stakes?”

“Not if it could still be running and keeping at least a couple people in a job.”

“Do you make much money at it?”

“Right now I’m good, my landlord isn’t really charging me and that’s really good and I’m making enough to be sort of student comfortable and a little is going towards my student loans so there’s that but if I could run it and keep two people paid and stay afloat while I’m doing other things I’d settle for that.”

“Really?”

I nod. “Definitely pay it forward I had lots of luck with that and all. Plus I’m not like my mother or sister who seem to just have blinders on when it comes to money and people.”

Emily looks at me and she nods. “My family’s not really like that with money and things but I went to school with a few kids that just seemed to have everything and they lorded it over everyone else and they just had all the other stuff too.”

I look at her as we get off at our stop and we walk to the great big gate at the Pender street entrance. “Like what?”

“Cars, but freedom to like do whatever they wanted and the girls all had the best clothes and make-up and they were like all skinny and popular and things. It’s like they never really had to do the stuff to get by that the rest of the kids did like me and stuff and they just seemed so shiny all the time.”

I nod. “Makes sense, when you’re well off you don’t think of stuff that actually sets back lower income families like dental or glasses or even like having to pay for things like medicine or having to pay gas for a lot of appointments. Or even having all the time access to eating things that are good for you but are expensive half the time.”

She looks at me and she’s blushing.

I shake my head. “No, I’m not making a food crack it’s just the way the markets are to like keep their market shares in like fats and oils and sugars and the like all the bad stuff is cheaper because it’s subsidized or something. People buy what they can afford; rich people barely register what they buy food wise in that way so they buy the stuff that’s the best because it’s the best or trendy.”

She’s looking at me and she’s blushing and says. “Lots of people don’t get that, it’s eat less and work out and all of that stuff.”

I look at Emily. “Well there’s a lot of assholes everywhere. Shaming people and making them feel worse about anything and everything does a lot of harm, as much harm as it does or more even than the whole class and income stuff.”

Emily looks at me and she comes over and she kisses me and it’s not a little kiss either it’s a sort of happy and very yay kind of kiss that has her smiling at me and I like that she’s smiling at me and she seem to be happy.

“Thank you for getting it Jamie…just that’s so much.”

She kisses me again and this one’s a little passionate and we’re pressing together breasts touching and that feels amazing to me honestly and we’re getting looks.

Yeah there’s some folks here that might be good with it but it’s also kinda sorta of like whoa…not in public.

But it’s still not a really big deal.

I break the kiss and I take her hand and start walking towards the street gates and she slows to a stop after a dozen steps and I look back still holding her hand and she’s staring with huge eyes.

“I’m here; I’m like actually here in a real Chinatown….”

“Oldest in Canada actually they used to call this place Hongcouver.”

She’s staring at me. “Jamie…I…”

“This is okay for a date?”

“This is amazing!”

I laugh. “Good! I was hoping that you’d like it.”

“Jamie, I…I never thought that I’d ever get to see anything like this. I mean it’s just not something that you think you’ll get to do being a poor fat girl from a small town. People like me don’t get to do stuff like this…the closest I thought that I’d ever come is like watching it on TV.”

“We’re in the same city Em.”

“I’ve never really been out, not far…it’s just sort of scary.”

“Well now you get to. And we can take pictures and stuff and shop and go nuts and have fun.”

“Pictures? You’d want to take pictures with me?”

“Sure why not?”

“But…but you’re so pretty and I’m…”

I walk back to her and I take her other hand and I kiss her, I kiss her really deeply and passionately right there in front of the people coming and going and in front of the street gates and break the kiss.

“You’re beautiful Emily, you’re beautiful and you deserve to feel and be treated that way.”

“Jamie… dammit you’re making it really hard not to like fall for you y’know.”

I nod. “I know, I want people to fall in love with me. I want people to love me and still love me when we’re with other people I’m selfish like that actually.”

Emily smiles really brightly for me. “Well in that case I’m not going to hold back.’

I kiss her one more time and look in her eyes. “Good, way too many people let what others have been telling them all their lives define them.”

We head off in through the gates and there’s so much to see and to do especially if you’re not from here or like as Emily put it only seen this sort of thing on TV.

At first it’s the easy stuff to look at with like the sort of special themed streetlights and the signs and then there’s the pots and planter with flowers and things that are lovely and I use my phone to actually just take some pictures of things that just look cool to me.

I get a really great picture of Emily inside one of those red frame and glass old school looking phone booths.

And the deeper we get the more it’s the tourist and the shopping district and the more shops that we see with all of these amazing things.

And by amazing I mean there’s stuff that’s complete touristy pap stuff but that’s cool too.

I love the toys and the things that you can get with the stuffies and figurines and there’s snow globes and we each get some of those and incense things and holders and we but some Chinese junk food like sesame gum or like lichi gummy worms.

I don’t like lichi it’s got this weird musky taste that’s sort of floral.

I don’t mind floral because we both got a baby cone of ginger and hibiscus ice cream that was actually pretty good.

And we get some cheap clothes, and Emily’s ecstatic that they have some stuff in her sizes.

Well it is tourist stuff and they are selling this stuff in North America and we’re well kind of stereotyped.

But she gets a nylon-faux silk Chinese bathrobe in red with designs with trees and cranes and she gets a black skirt with from what Chinese I’m able to read saying Shang-hai fashions on it which Em’s good with as long as the writing doesn’t say something like tofu-soup or something.

She gets a skater beanie that is panda themed and it looks cute as hell on her and we decide to get that for her and I actually end up getting some slinky wear with a shop that has some of that nylon-faux silk stuff at really cheap prices and it actually looks pretty nice and I found some sexy sheets for my bed too which I want to try in the summer or maybe even this winter if I put like some quilts and things over it.

We’re actually talking about that, like silk and satin on your skin and breasts and how great that would be if it was combined with some heavy snuggly stuff in the wintertime and we both get a boba-tea to share and I take her to go and play pai-gow.

And actually I have no idea how to play or how to win and we’re having a great time in the place because after a while there’s a couple of sort of cute Asian boys that come over and they’re showing us how to play and how it works and it’s sort of really screwed up.

Sort of like pinball that stands upright combined with a sort of old school slot machine and I still don’t really get what Ko and Danny are explaining and they’re locals like as in Canadian guys that really only kind of sort of get it.

And they’re flirty.

Ko seems to like Emily and he really likes her breasts.

So we slip off to the bathroom and she’s smiling and she’s giggling some.

“You like Ko?”

“He’s kind of cute actually; do you mind that he’s like flirting with me?”

I fix my make-up. “We’re going out and we’re on a date but if guys like flirt with us that’s okay too. I mean it all depends on what you want to do?”

She stares at me a little wide eyed. “What? What do you mean?”

“Well they can be part of the entertainment if you want.”

“Like?”

“Like we go out with them and we maybe have a little more fun before we keep going on with our own date?”

She’s staring at me.

I can see the gears working in her head and I smile and say. “No one’s boundaries but our own.”

She’s smiling and she’s nodding her head up and down.

We come out and Danny and Ko ask us if we’d like to go and get something to eat. And I look at them and say. “Something authentic?”

Ko looks at Danny and they have that look like fast food just went off the menu and they look at us both and they’re definitely checking us out like they’re trying to decide if we’re worth it and they nod. “Sure how about Dim-sum?”

I nod. “I think that would be okay.”

Emily nods and we go with the boys as they take us through the streets of Chinatown here and down a few side streets and that’s fine it’s not like the Chinatowns in other cities it’s pretty well laid out here actually and before long we’re being led into this place close to one of the parks and it’s kind of a cross between what a Canadian diner looks like and a Chinese food restaurant and the guys get us a booth and it’s busy here but that sort of adds to the sense of excitement about the place.

They even pull out our chairs and they get these menu slips that we are to check off boxes and they boys are showing off a little with telling us what the things are and it’s cute that they’re that invested in being all worldly and stuff though I can sort of tell that they don’t do this very much.

The food’s good but it’s very Vancouvery and that kind of means it’s mid-range pricey and the thing is with dim sum you don’t get a lot of anything that they serve so if you want more you have to order it and that’s what’s pricey. Kind of like eating at a sushi place. When it’s really good the prices can add up when eating out pretty fast.

Ko’s actually talking to Emily about where she’s from and what she’s studying and Danny’s offering me a soup dumpling on chopsticks and I eat it carefully off them and suck the soup out first so it doesn’t pop and I think Danny was hoping for something like that because he was so watching me suck it clean.

“You do that so well Jamie.”

“I’ve had then before but I’m also really good at it.”

“At what?”

There’s a lot of innuendo floating around between us and I step it up. “I’m good at sucking things.”

“You are huh?”

He’s got a pretty good boyish grin going.

I smile. “I’m amazing at sucking dick.”

His eyes get huge and he’s staring at me and I just have a sexy sip of tea and stare at him.

Ko’s staring at me and so is Emily who is sort of blushing and she looks at me before leaning over to Ko and says something in his ear and he’s staring right at her chest like he’s about to drool.

Danny sort of recovers and he looks at me. “I’m game if you are.”

I lean over to him and brush my breasts against his arm and whisper in his ear. “I’m trans.”

He pulls back and he looks at me staring. “For real?”

“I nod.”

He drinks a gulp of his tea.

I smile at him.

He swallows hard without the tea. “You girls want to come back to our place?”

He looks nervous but he also looks me all over and he’s licking his lips and Ko’s looking at Emily like a puppy dog.

I look at Emily and she’s drinking her tea and I can see the wheels turning in her head and she looks at me and I raise an eyebrow.

“Do you want to?”

“All a part of our date.”

Ko blurts out. “You two are dating?”

I say. “Our first date actually.”

“And you do like get that we’re talking about making out right?”

I give them all my best sexy impish smile. “Better than a movie.”

Emily chokes on her tea.

I finish mine. “Seriously why shouldn’t we? You guys are nice and we all like sex and that’s not going to change the fact we’re on a date we’re just going with it.”

“So you girls are like Bi?”

I shrug. “I’m just really open.”

Emily nods. “Really open and I’m learning…I mean it’s college I’m not here not to try stuff right?”

Ko asks. “Including Asian guys?”

She actually looks at him. “Yes, because I want to try things and yeah that includes you.”

His eyes widen.

Emily actually takes the lead. “Well are we going or like what?”

Her face is flushed and she’s embarrassed and she’s definitely out on a limb her but I follow suit and get up with her.

“We’ll be outside guys.”

We head outside and I look at Emily. “Are you sure that you want to do this?”

She nods and she’s hugging herself. “Ko likes me and he’s attracted to me and he so not the kind of guy that I’d ever hook up with like ever. I mean I’d never have the confidence to even do this if it wasn’t for you Jamie.”

I smile. “Well more good things are to come then.”

She tilts her head looking at me and I step up and I give her a soft kiss right there in public and I keep going as she breathes through it and we start to press together and I slip my arms behind her and over her hips and to her bottom and back up again.

I press my breasts to hers.

And her attention shifts as I hear the guys come out and then I slip my tongue into her mouth and start frenching her in front of the boys.

Emily’s starting to get into it and her knee is rubbing at my crotch some and her hands slid up my sides until she’s cupping my breasts and starts to fondle them in a way that just tells of lots of experience with touch and breasts.

I lose myself a little in the feelings and the kissing and hear the boys calling a cab to here and then they’re taking pictures while the watch us.

We’re all very horny when the cab comes for us and the cabbie just stares and says things in Chinese as Emily and I are kissing when he pulls up and when we get in the back of the van’s back seats and Danny and Ko take the middle row of seats in the back and turn around to watch us.

We kind of blur through the ride to where the guys live sharing deep looks between kisses and our hands are all over each others breasts and mine are aching so much wanting to get free of the clothes I’m wearing.

The apartment’s upstairs and we’re still hands all over each other until the guys get us inside and it’s a guy’s apartment with stuff here and there but weights in the front room and a lot of high end electronics and comfy make-out and stoner furniture and I take off my jacket and top and bra going topless and it feels amazing getting free air on my breasts and Emily drops her skirt and she pulls off her tunic.

She’s beautiful and voluptuous with a great set of underwear on that’s full and lacy and she’s wearing a sort of burgundy color that just goes so well with her skin and she is aroused with her nipples pointing as much as they can through the material and she takes her bra off.

Her breasts are amazing, real and full but they have that sway to them and I go over to them and cradle them in my hands fondling carefully, lovingly as I kiss her and Danny and Ko get down to their boxers and come over to us and Emily and I share a smile and we sit on the edge of the couch and pull their hard cocks free of their boxers.

Nice, uncut too and they’re drooling out pre-cum with a stroke and out and on them like lube and pull out a condom from my purse and so does Emily and then we share a french kiss.

Ko’s like… “Oh my fucking god that’s hot.”

And then I take Danny’s cock in my mouth.

I savor his taste, his flavors different than the men I’ve had before mostly from diet honestly and Danny has a nice cock too six inches and very symetrical if I’d have to say it’s pretty pleasing shape to it and honestly it’s a pleasure to wrap my lips around.

I pull my lips off with a pop sound and nuzzle it, run my lips sideways down the length of it saying.

“Mmm...so good, such a nice cock Danny, so nice.”

Men don’t just love it when they hear this but they really don’t hear it. Sure there’s dirty talk but just honest praise not so much.

Emily’s sort of watching me but she’s got her lips wrapped around Ko’s cock which is also pretty nice and longer than Danny’s but he has a bit of that upward curve to it that actually be a really good thing sometimes.

I smile at her and then wrap my lips around Danny’s cock some more and I get serious and I flatten my tongue against the bottom of my mouth and take him in as far as he’ll for without messing with my gag reflex.

Deepthroating is a party trick.

Oh it’s good, and guys love it but really sucking cock takes actually knowing how...the flattened tongue, the seal of you lips on his skin, getting your saliva going, breathing and then, then actually sucking...using the saliva to have liquid that’s hot and wet surrounding his flesh as you actually have liquids to down...it’s stroking his cock as you hold it and jerk him off and then press your tongue to the underside of his cock pressing your tastebuds into his sensitive undersides as you bob your head...suck hard, and keep that seal as much as you can.

He starts to try to pump my mouth and that’s fine if that’s what you want him to do. I want control more than throat fucking and I use my other hand to lift his balls up just a little higher to the shaft and he stops...it puts a pressure there when the guy humps it’s almost autonomic when they do it and Danny’s getting vocal.

“Nnnnnghn...Jamie...Jamie...Jamie I’m going to nut...I’m going to…”

I know he is because of the flexing in his hips and when he does everything stiffens and I exhale through my nose and then I suck...suck...suck hard creating this whole physical force that has him filling the condom in this searingly fast rush.

His hips flex as he can’t control it a few times then he’s spent and I stroke and pull the last out of his cock and he’s tremble legged.

“Fuck...fuck...that was...I never had a blowjob like that before.”

I pull the condom off and stand feeling his drain tightened sack. “I’m a very good cocksucker Danny.”

He’s staring at me and so are Ko and Emily who is trying to do what I did or something like it and I smile at her then look at Danny. “Bedroom?”

He blinks. “Right yeah this way.”

I walk with him to his room which is nicer than the living room and yet still pretty guy like and we stop and we kiss and kiss and he’s not a bad kisser just inexperienced and Danny unbuttons my jeans and slides them off of me going down and I step out of them and then he does my panties and pulls me free of my tuck and he strokes me and goes in to give me a blowjob.

“Mmm..Danny...have you done this before?”

“No, you’re like my first.”

“Then don’t it goes against my rules.” I pull him up and lean literally into him and press my tits to him and drape my arms over his shoulders.

We break the kiss and he asks. “Your rules?”

“It’s pretty simple you shouldn’t suck cock unless you love cock.”

“I...Uhm...Okay, I can’t say that I ever heard a girl say that or a guy….uhm sorry…?”

“It’s okay I’m not a guy but Oral’s like kissing, it’s personal and I just think it’s insulting to both people when their partner doesn’t love dick or pussy.”

He kisses me. “Well you are an amazing cocksucker so you must really love dick.”

“I do...I really do, I learned.”

“Learned like a mistress/master thing?”

“Some, bondage can be excellent with a respectful partner as you give everything over to them. But no I have a teacher and she’s taught me dick is a wonderful thing and that guys are actually pretty awesome when you get past everything.”

“Wow...that’s just...I never heard a girl say guys are awesome...it’s sort of weird.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s always like guys already have it all like the male world and stuff so it’s like almost bimbo if you hear a girl singing the praises of guys.”

I kiss him and move us to the bed and sit him down and kneel between his legs and stroke him slowly...lick my thumb, swirl it over his head, under his glans.

“There’s a lot of bullshit on both sides of things Danny. I’ll tell you what I know about this awesome guy called Danny.”

I open my purse for some lube and just use a little to slick his cock to fondle and stroke him slowly into being hard again.

“You and Ko seem Emily and I and sure you were attracted and wanted to fuck us but you also were great about it, you showed us stuff at the pachinko hall and walked us through the area and you guys even pointed out stuff and you bought us lunch, helped us order but didn’t order for us and you even tried teaching us some Chinese….and you’re not a bigot because I’m a trans person...Danny, that’s a lot of awesome.”

He’s sort of blushing looking really surprised too as I get him to where I can get the condom on and I stroke him and apply lube to my hole and his cock before I turn around.

“Got any sexy music?”

He actually turns on his stereo and he has a remote and channels and finds something that’s R&B and I move, dance, feel myself up and give him a lap dance for a few minutes before I move back and almost sit on him and Danny pulls me into his cock.
I moan...as he enters… “Mmmmm...awesome….Slowly…”

We go slow and I move a little with him, move to where… “There baby, there that’s my spot, that makes me feel good.”

Move, sort of with the music...breath and relax as his cock slides in and tense and grip as he’s pulling out. I love the way it feels so perfectly between hard and soft the shape defined inside of me as I grip and clench and feeling all of him so much as he is moving out.

Moan in tune with the girl on the stereo when she croons.

Sink down on of the beats.

Over and over until.

“Take my hips Danny, take me, fuck me, hold me, dance...dance baby...lead me…”

That gets Danny going and actually he starts taking charge and getting into it and his hands start to move, slide, roam...his hips moving with mine as he holds me right and her do move with the music.

He’s got a sense of rhythm the other guys don’t have I don’t think.

For a little while it’s actually magical in how hot it is and then the song changes and this has to be radio because I don’t think that the mix would have shifted that much to this cello bit?

Danny though doesn’t miss a thing as he picks me up and turns me and sets me down on his bed and I settle on all fours and he sinks back in as he moves like I’m the cello and he’s the bow.

I don’t know the music but it’s slow enough to be easy to follow and move too and we keep going until the music speeds up more and more until it hits a crescendo and I cum and that makes Danny cum as I seize around him and shiver inside as I spurt.

The music keeps going but that slow down finish kind of thing as we settle Danny pushing me further up on the bed as he climbs on too and we fall over onto the bed and he grabs the comforter there and pulls it over us.

“Fuuuck Jamie….you’re the best piece of ass I ever had.”

“Thank you, you were really amazing though.”

“I never did this kinda sex before.”

“You’ve fucked girls before.”

“Naw, like with the music and stuff.”

“You’re good at it you’ve got great rhythm.”

“I dance.”

“Really like professionally?”

“Kinda, mostly street stuff sometimes and there’s stuff with that sometimes and I tried out for the TV show You Think You Can Dance but I didn’t get past the selection.”

“Sorry.”

“Hey naw it’s just stuff I’ve never actually took classes or anything.”

“So what do you do?”

“I’m a welder for a body shop.”

“That’s good money.”

“Yeah kinda needed it for this place and everything in Vancouver.”

I nod. “It’s expensive here for sure I’m lucky with my place and not being anywhere close to the city center.” I roll over to face him and we kiss and he’s touching me.

And touches me there.

“I kinda wish I could return the favor.”

“Danny, I got off too.”

He kisses me again. “Still.”

I slip him my tongue and we French-kiss for a while then breaking the kiss I looked him in his eyes.

“Are you serious though?”

He looks me in the eyes and he strokes my cock again. “Yes.”

“You do know what I mean right? That I would be fucking you right?”

He blushed some and licked his lips. “Yes.”

“Are you gay Danny?”

“No...why?”

“Do you just want to learn this or learn my perspective?”

“Your perspective?”

“Yes, there’s sex where a guy takes it and then there’s sex where it’s different, where you might discover something.”

“You mean sissy stuff?”

“No...but just different.”

He strokes me again. “I can try different, I want to return the favor.”

“And I said you don’t ever have to silly boy, so I guess step one is you admitting that you want my cock.”

He blinks and blushes. “I...I want you cock Jamie.”

I smile. “See it changes things when you admit stuff like that. Hearing yourself say what’s really inside is a good thing Danny.”

He nods. “Yeah…” He’s definitely stroking me more.

I get up. “Okay first to your bathroom and a number two.”

He’s looking at me and blushing. “Yeah...that makes sense.”

He get’s up and this is a nicer place than it looks as he has his own bathroom and I check my purse and pop a little blue friend and call in. “When you’re done run the shower and I’ll be right in. What do you want to drink.”

He has a mini-fridge with pop and energy drinks and bottles of water and alcohol there too. “Vodka twist please.”

“Please is alway good baby.”

He has vodka and the twist I’m guessing would be the Perrier water and there’s glasses on the top of the mini-fridge and other bar thinks and I pour them three fingers and top it off with Perrier and get myself a Red Bull then my purse and head in the bathroom and it’s flushed and sprayed and I pass him the drink and I drink mine quick and he downs his and we head into the shower.

It’s kissing and soapy fun at first and kissing and washing his butt and him blushing as I do that for him and started teasing his hole and I step outside only long enough to grab his razor and checked the back of the little plastic stand and put on a new blade.

He looks at me as I come back and he swallows and nods.

It doesn’t take long since I do it and he’s not that hairy either and I do everywhere.

And when I do his pubic area I kneel and soap up his hole again and start cleaning him inside and out as I finger him and he gasps.

“Oh, oh jesus fuck Jamie.”

“Lighter, you want to really get it speak lighter Danny, tighten your throat a little, use less breath in the force.”

“Like a girl…”

“Lighter softer.”

They sound surprisingly different this time as they say. “Like this…?”

“Yes baby, just like that, stay still.”

I start rubbing their prostate too and it’s just a few minutes before there’s a soft moan.

“Good babe, sexy sounding.”

“Uhnnn...W...why though?”

“It’s like admitting it, this is you sounding soft, sounding sexy and fuckable...your brain pulls that in Danny just like being smooth.”

“Oh….oh...Yes….I...just…that...Jamie you fingers feel good.”

“I know, I love that too Danni it gets better, trust me it gets better.”

“Oooooh...better I want better…”

I rinse his shaved cock off and Danni’s hard again.

“Time for more.”

“Mmm...more?”

I finger them some more until they’re moaning and pushing their bottom into my fingers.

Then I pull them out and they’re clean.

“Let’s get dried.”

We step out and dry off and kiss and I’m hard and Danni strokes me while sucking on my breasts and it’s an exercise in control as I take Danni’s hand away and take out my bottle of cocoa and shea butter lotion from my purse and lotion them up.

“Now scent...you smell pretty, sweet, fuckable Danni.”

“God Jamie...I’m so turned on right now.”

“I know baby now close your eyes while I do your face.”

“Make-up?”

“Yes.”

They close their eyes and I go light using some of mine...eyes...liner, shadow, mascara and then the lipstick. It does wonder but Danni’s hair is just a little too short but it’s still okay.

“Just a minute Danni.”

I do my make-up too and then turn them around and lotion my fingers and sink them back in their bottom.

Danni’s breath gets shaky and they moan lightly. “Turn around, look at yourself.”

They turn and look...okay open their eyes look especially good and sexy with the make-up making them look sexy and big.

“That’s me?”

“Yes it is.”

“I look like a girl.”

“You look like Danni but maybe with an I.”

“I….uhnn...Oh…”

“Just look, look at yourself feel free babe, just enjoy all of this and let that image sink into you.”

I’m fingering them harder and they shiver and stare and Danni turns and looks at me.

“I’m ready Jamie, I’m ready I want you to fuck me.”

“Let’s go to the bedroom honey.”

I lead Danni into the bedroom taking my purse and lay them down. “Legs open, and off the bed.”

I sink to my knees and put a condom on them and another one on my two fingers and use my lube to lube them inside and out and take their cock into my mouth.

I start fingering them, massaging their prostate and making them moan and cry as they fist the sheets until I have them crying out really loudly in that soft girly voice as they cum really, really hard.

“Jamie...Jamie...f..fuck me Jamie!”

I suck the last remains of their cum out as I finger them more and more.

Danni whimpers and starts trying to push their bottom more to take my fingers.

I let them for a few minutes before I pull them out and take out my viberator from my purse and add some lube and sink it in.

“Oh...oh...oh wh...what?”

“A vibe baby.”

Danni whined in this perfect high pitch, sounding a lot like I would. “Oooooh….ooooooh...Jamieeeee.”

I move it in and out and just let Danni be filled with the sensations and The make noise the whole time. “Yes...yes...oh yes...god...fuck…”

When I touch their prostate now sensitive and all those nerves awake inside of them she does this happy sob.

I massage there with the vibe until I hear them. “Oh fuck, oh fuck Jamie...I’m going to...going to...Cum…..!”

Danni shakes through a great orgasm and next to nothing comes out...and nothing comes from the next one either and that time I pull Danni’s hand down to feel.

“Not hard, not barely, not sticky and you came.”

Danni’s panting. “Wh...why?”

“Because you don’t need to, to get off...all you need is being fucked right, being filled.”

I take their legs and push Danni all the way up on the bed and roll her over.

“Take the pillow and slip it under your chin and hang onto it...press down and butt up baby.”

Danni slips into the position and gets their knees under them arching their bottom up and I hold their hips and sink my aching blue pill powered cock into her.

“Uhnnn...Jamie...Jamie yes, fill me, fuck me….”

“Feels good?”

Danni nods.

“Feel how big it is compared to my little fingers and that slim little vibe.”

Danni nods.

“Feel it’s heat...you’re being filled by another person.”

I stop once I’m in all the way.

“There...We’re together baby...just breathe, just breathe and feel that cock, feel how good this feels….I love it Danni, love it myself and I think you do too.”

Danni chants almost. “Yes, yes...I feel it, I feel you in me and I really love it...love you inside me...I love this.”

“Clench baby…”

Danni does and I pull back. “See...this way you feel every millimeter of cock pulling through you.”

Danni whines.

“Now relax, let go…”

Danni’s muscles go slack inside and I push in with a rush and they gasp.

“Again clench, feel that dragging out…”

We get into the rhythm picking up speed and me sinking in faster and faster until I can hear this whine coming from Danni as I’m reaching my peak too and soon they’re cumming and just before they do I sink in all the way and hold them leaning over them pressed into their back and saying in their ear.

“You’re cumming, cumming because you were cock fucked, cock fucked and filled up Danni and you can feel it inside you as you cum, hard, hard , hard inside of you as you cum baby.”

“Nnnnnnnnnn….gh!”

They clench hard as their body clenches up and spasms around me.

“What’s inside you.”

“Cock…”

“What do you feel everything trembling around?”

“Cock!”

I sexy bite her shoulder… “What do you feel cumming inside you.”

Danni spasms a little more in an unexpected gasp. “Cock...cock...god Jamie you’re cock.”

I hold them as we rest and nuzzle.

Panting then breathing Danni shivering as their body and everything else is still reacting to the experience.

“Good lover?”

Danni nods over and over and sobs. “God yes...I…”

“Still processing?”

They nod a lot more at that. “Yeah...I…”

“Had no clue...no clue this was even possible, no clue this was even a thing.”

They nod.

“Neither did I, but it’s a real thing.”

“I...never...it’s like…”

I hug them. “It gets better.”

They turn their head to look at me. “Better?”

I move my hips as I’m hard again from my little blue friend.

“Oh...oh fuck Jamie.”

“You want me to stop?”

“God no...I want more...I really do.”

“This’ll be harder, faster.”

“Good...I love this.”

“I know.”

“How?”

“You, you still wanted me, wanted this and you weren’t like a few of the gay guys I know...you went with this, you’re into this.”

I move harder push into them making them moan. “Yes, fuck yes, fuck me Jamie...I never want this to stop!”

I push myself back up and let that part of me that still loves doing this out and yet knowing exactly what it’s like I fuck them hard and deep yet with care for their pleasure still.

Harder and faster, and Danni just becomes a mass of feelings and pushing back eagering coming up to meet me over and over until I’m getting close...feel the build up again just starting and then I just start fucking that spot inside of them until they’re over the edge and not just cumming but jissletting...when it’s not spurting but it’s literally cumming out in bounces and sticky strands.

I love that when that happens to me because it feels like one long slow orgasm...Tommy, Ian, Jax all get me there when I’m fucked so perfectly I’m just oozing out in bliss.

And when I’m really close it becomes long deep strokes and Danni behaves just like me with a gasping sound of yes...and we both go until they whine up the scale until they’re body just spasms again.

And I cum too again.

We crash together down again and this time I pull out and fall to my side and Danni rolls over to face me and wraps me up in a hug and shivers and cries.

I kiss them, lipstick on lipstick until they calm down and we stare at each other in between the kissing and their make-up’s running and I pull them close.

And we fall asleep utterly spent.

I know Danni, I know.

We don’t sleep long before I feel Danni kissing me and sliding down.

I look at them and they look up at me and they stroke me and my pill is still working so I am quickly stiffening and Danni takes out a condom and wraps me up before taking me into their mouth.

“Mmmm…”

I see the look in their eyes, they want this, really want this and craved it enough to do this and wake me up.

You can always feel the difference between just doing it and sucking cock to loving to suck cock because you love cock.

“That’s it, that’s it Danni, Lips, sucking, make that seal…”

I start talking them through it and they’re getting really into it picking up pointers and skills as I suggest them.

The door opens and Ko and Emily come in and I’m not sure what they were going to say but both are staring.

Ko says. “Holy…”

I look at Danni who stops and looks back at Ko and they’re both sort of stuck and I say. “Ko, it’s okay.”

“Danny’s sucking your cock.”

I say. “Danni likes sucking cock, they figured out cock is pretty great.”

“Yeah well you have a cock so….”

“So what?”

“So that’s gay?”

“Or Bi or Pan or just crossing gender lines.”

Danni looks at Ko. “I want this...I didn’t know I wanted this Ko but I...I do and it’s fucking amazing.”

“Amazing?”

“Yeah...amazing and I’m going to suck Jamie’s awesome cock and you can either freak out, or you can leave or you can take your hard on and sink that cock in me.”

Danni literally goes back to sucking me and making seriously louder moans and sexy sounds and moving her butt in the air and Ko looks at them and he walks over his cock getting hard and he was stroking it and once he’s hard he sinks into Danni.

“Oh...oh fuck...tight…”

Emily comes over to me blushing while she’s watching Danni and Ko and she lays down and starts kissing with me.

“One heck of a date.”

I kiss her back. “Life happens, you okay with this?”

“Definitely, so many firsts for the big girl too often set aside.”

I kiss her and smile. “They’re either dumbasses and assholes for not seeing how amazing you are.”

I reach over and take her waist and leg and pull her over with her making a squeak as I settle her on my face and I start kissing her and them moving my tongue over her labia and Emily moans and I start from there.

I can hear Ko saying. “Jesus Danny, jesus your ass is amazing, you’re so good, ride that cock.”

I feel Danni humming, sucking, making happy moans around me.

And that brings me off again with a dry cum.

I moan into Emily’s depths making her squirm with pleasure.

I know what to do here and I flich her clitty over and over with it all stiff stiff and sensitized by Ko’s time with her earlier.

Moans, more moans...I grind my tongue in and slither grind it over and over and change directions until I hear Em crying out. “Jamie, Jj..Jamie I’m..I’m…” She cries out and grunts in this sexy way like a female tennis player.

She falls over sideways and I scooch up the bed to kiss her and suck on her breasts and finger her.

I use the things I learned with Neela and slip my middle two fingers inside to move inside and out but also to use my pads of my fingers to stroke and the backs of my knuckles and all those ridges there and then there’s the space between my inserted fingers and the ones outside her to use that space to stroke her labia over and over as I flex my wrist and pump her.

I alternate between kissing her and sucking on her nipples and when I’m kissing her I’m grinding/slipping my breasts against hers.

I make Em cum again and she’s crying out for “Harder!...Fuck Jamie...Bang me, bang me!”

I use the meat of my palm as I flex my wrist to bump into her pelvis hard enough to shake her and make her jiggle and Emily’s loud having her orgasm and she falls back flat and panting.

We’re all panting and all on Danni’s big bed and I slide up to her.

“.....G...good date.” I get out.

“Games, Dinner, new people, shopping...and more sex than I’ve had all through high school….better sex than I had ever in high school...yeah this was a great date Jamie.”

“Good, I wanted you to have a good time and I was thinking differently but not this differently.”

“This was awesome Jamie, this is why I got the hell out of my hometown and came out here. I wanted out of fat wall-flower Emily.”

Ko says. “You’re fucking awesome Em, you’re beautiful too.”

Danni says sleepily. “You’re really beautiful Emily.”

I slip my arms around Emily and we touch heads as we fall into exhausted sleep.

*Chapter 46………………..

*Danni…

Daniel, Dan, Danny...And now Danni with an I at the end.

I’m a slightly mixed race Chinese Canadian with a little native in there and white and something else from back when my ancestors were here building the railroads.

I’m a welder, right along the lines of my family solid trade jobs.

I work for a pretty decent auto-body shop that does a lot of work for the community and the fast and furious copycat crowd.

And yesterday everything was normal.

Today Jamie Blake swayed into my life.

Five ten, lots of leg, great tits, sweet looks...seriously she’s stunning, sexy voice and a dick.

Jamie’s a trans woman.

Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t into that stuff but I wasn’t going to throw her out when her tits were out and she was necking with her girlfriend on my couch.

And everything changed when she sucked my cock.

I get it now, I do...especially that I know what she did and more.

More was falling in love with cock.

Sounds wrong? Sounds fucked up but Jamie gave me the best orgasm in my life.

Then she kept topping that as she took my offer to repay the favor seriously.

Which in all honesty looking back was me trying to be Danni with an “I” before I was even “woke” like as in when you finally wake the fuck up.

She saw that in me somehow and she...she really knew my body better than I did...shaving me in the shower.

Fingering me...soaping me up and fingering me until it went past feeling good but I ached for more.

I love feeling smooth, seriously I haven’t felt this sort of tactile awesomeness ever.

The lotion...just baby powder Skin-so-Soft.

I love feeling silkier after the shave, loved smell pretty...serious it was so nice and such a departure from everything I wore everyday.

Then the make-up and cute asian guy became sexy wide eyed asian girl. And it was shocking and yet as she finger banged me more it was starting to trickle into my brain that something more might be part of me...inside me and I don’t mean Jamie.

Though she so took control...fingered me, sucked me until I couldn’t cum anymore...or so I thought.

You can, I can and there might not be anything come out but You Can still cum.

And once Jamie had me empty and I couldn’t get off like a guy she got serious.

I’ve really never been fucked senseless before but Jamie did it.

Well did it first as I had gotten off so much it was sinking in that I was getting off without my dick being a dick and that I was being taken away by hard fucking cock inside my funhole.

Cumming in what was these impossibly long pounding orgasms that felt like that cock was driving itself through me and literally manually pushing cum from me.

Having shattering orgasms and feeling a hard cock inside of me as every part of me clenched up inside until it was magnified and undeniable.

And when that...when that happened I gave up.

I gave up all the macho bullshit...hell in my brain, in my heart I ran from it to me.

Danni with an I at the end.

Who just had her funhole fucked so hard by her roommate and best friend Freddie Ko.

Oh yeah he found out and he did it by walking in on me sucking Jamie’s cock.

She was right...I love it.

I Love Cock... getting fucked, I know where all that amazing better than anything ever sex comes from. And the thoughts of paying her back of sucking her cock woke me up after falling into a deep super well fucked sleep.

And still horny and with me offering my ass up he sank into me and fucked me...well I fucked back too and did the things Jamie taught me too, did them for Ko and he fucked me into that places where it’s so much my cum just drizzles out of me and I can’t hold a thought in my head but cock...dick...fuck me...all lit up in my brain as I was blissed out.

I know I sound like a bimbo but I don’t care honestly.

And fuck having my “cherry” broken tonight my straight got broken.

And now we’re all lying together spent and Ko’s arms are around my waist and he’s sleeping holding me.

I do sleep for awhile but my brain really just won’t shut down.

All these thoughts, feelings, ideas...who I’m going to be, who I want to be.

All the stuff Danny had ever seen about girls like me comes bubbling up...she-males, porn ads, stuff on TV, Tranny, Ladyboy all of that and it’s not in great ways but all the shitty stereotypes that aren’t me.

Well that shit wakes me up and I slide out of bed and it’s later out and it’s gotten dark out and I go and wash my face.

Looking in the mirror I’m trying to see me.

It’s hard without the make-up now.

I head out and get my robe and now all of my things are off...I have nothing I want to wear just my guy stuff everywhere.

Sigh.

I head out to the kitchen and I’m thirsty so I get some juice but the others are here too so I look at the clock and call West Coast Pizza a place not too far from here and I order in 1 veggie, 1 works, 1 cheese and one original. The original is a seafood pizza and as strange as it sounds it’s great...shrimp, crab, scallops sliced like really thin, there’s shrimp sauce mixed into the sauce and there’s no cheese but they drizzle a sour cream sauce with lemon over it.

A lot better in the restaurant but I’m craving and I order in a couple 2 liter of Pepsi and salad and bread and a bunch of their sides like because it’s a family deal thing.

I tidy up our usual mess and I clear the coffee table and Freddie comes out and he’s looking at me.

“That was wild.”

“Yeah, life changing.”

He looks at me. “Seriously?”

I walk over and get some more juice and hold the jug up and he nods. “I’m serious Ko, you were with me, did I seem like the old Danny to you? You were fucking me and you helped break my straight.”

“Hey...what?”

“Part of my wanted it just to be Jamie but it wasn’t, you took me to the same places.”

“No but...it was so...so fast.”

I resist the urge to sex pun.

I pass him his glass. “I know...I really know and the thing is this is me finding out that I’m like this.”

“But you were straight, I seen you with chicks Dan.”

“Danni please...And yeah...you know that straight’s kinda the default that we all think we are usually?”

He drinks some juice. “But...it’s just…”

I walk over to him. “You’re my best friend Freddie, please be okay with this.” Freddie is his first name and he switched to using Ko back in high school.

He looks at me and sighs. “Our parents will freak when they find out.”

I nod. “Maybe...but I don’t care...I can’t be something I’m not Freddie.”

He sighs and he hugs me. “If you end up looking hot I’m not going to stop from hitting on you Danni.”

I smile and it feels so huge to me right now. “Same mister, I liked what we had back in my room, I felt awesome and you’ve got a great cock.”

He chokes on some juice he was drinking. “Danni!”

“What? You do.”

He’s blushing as the doorbell rings and I grab my pants and wallet and pay for the food with debit and Ko goes and wakes the girls.

Jamie and Emily come out after they showered looking still a little sleepy and I had time to find enough dishes for things and we don’t have a whole lot of stuff for guests.

Actually we’ve never really had guests.

Emily actually had a robe she bought down in Chinatown and now I want one as we’re right here and she looks really good in it and Jamie actually is in my sweats and her bra and I can’t help but stare at both of them as we sit down to eat.

“I’m so jealous, seriously you two are so beautiful and I’ve got so far to go.”

Jamie takes her plate. “You’ll get there.”

Emily says. “I didn’t really do much to be me Danni and pretty much most of that sucked.”

“Not in a good way?”

She shakes her head. “Nope, I’ve from Thames, over near London Ontario and as a native girl in a town full over white folks and stuff I grew up with all the other stuff that comes with being native in the non-Hollywood way.”

I had to ask because I literally don’t know. “Non-Hollywood way?”

“Tall, thin, athletic when I’m short and heavy with big tits and and a huge ass.”

“Oh…”

Emily looks at me. “Guys see me, most see me as undateable or they see me and they see my boobs.” She looks over at Freddie who looks down but laughs. “Guilty.”

She smiles at him. “And you, you’re off the hook because I had a good dose of yellow fever but other guys...I’m invisible if not a walking set of tits.”

Jamie says. “You underrate yourself Emily, seriously you’re smart, beautiful and you’re making changes.”

I say. “You’re here you got out so there’s that.”

She smiles. “Okay, okay guys I’m just saying Danni...I don’t know...I’ll help however I can.”

That makes me smile.

And Jamie says. “I know exactly how you feel Danni but I want you to really think about this. If you’re thinking about changing and coming out it’s a big deal. It’s hard out here, this isn’t easy.”

I ask. “But was it worth it?”

“For me yeah. But even now there’s a ton I’m still learning and unlearning and there’s a ton of stuff I don’t want to learn. It’s really hard to not drop off into the stereotypes of being trans or genderqueer and everything.”

“Stereotypes?”

“Well there’s two main kinds there’s what the public and media see and that includes porn. That’s the stuff that gets all of us in trouble with the bigots and the transphobes and the stuff that has ordinary folks call us he-she’s and all that garbage. Then the second one is the stereotypes within ourselves the trying too hard, the hyper active gender reactions like stuff that’s way more fetishy than being trans.”

“Fetishy?”

“Super extreme plastic surgery like lips and boobs that are cartoon levels of fucked up. Then there’s sissydom stuff and chastity stuff. Lots of trans folks jump into that and they try and find something there.”

“But what if they’re into that?” I ask.

Jamie shrugs. “If it’s sex that’s one thing but there’s some folks that just go down the rabbit hole with it. I’ll drop and suck the hell out of and love a cock but outside the sex I’m me first.”

“So how do you balance the two, the sex and living.”

“Just live, find things you love, learn things, do stuff and then for me I have a plan that I want to follow through.”

“A plan?”

“I’m taking arts and working on that and learning languages seriously. I want to be a translator so I can see the world eventually and live.”

I nod a couple of times at that. “I got as far as a classic car, I want to save up for a classic muscle car or I did. Well that and a place to put it.”

She’s nodding. “I got my dad’s bike so get the old school thing. Trouble is property here’s impossibly expensive.”

“Yeah, I’ve given up on in town at all.”

Freddie says. “That’s a big, big deal with our families most of us grew up in apartments or rent houses so owning a house is huge in the family.”

We talk until the food’s gone and we even have a few drinks and it’s getting really late and we call them a cab and they get changed and head off to wherever Jamie lives.

It takes me a few minutes of thinking before I go and get the sheets and bedding and toss them in the wash and get dressed in some sweats and slip my sneakers on and I go out for a walk phoning in to work to call in sick for a couple of days.

I do have sick time and now I’m using it.

There’s a night life even really late here in Chinatown. And yeah I live here because of the tourist girls. It’s kind of how we picked up Jamie and Emily in the first place and we considered the tail worth the rent.

I can still hours later feel Jamie and Freddie having fucked me in my insides and I kind of like the post sex feeling.

It still makes me think though.

And I walk and walk and think...about how it all felt, family, my community...about living like me now and everything and being out and me.

Really tired of the thinking I made a decision that I’m not going to go home to nothing but Danny’s stuff and things.

I call a cab and head out to the Wal-Mart Super Center, it’s the only place open this late and I get a cart and go shopping.

I kind of started with some cleaning supplies first. I want to do a good cleaning and start to whatever’s going on and I know this is a bad stereotype but I think as Danni me should? Or Me?

Anyway just as Danny I wouldn’t have bought a Swiffer and Swiffer Scrubber my and Freddies biggest things were just basic things really and girl fancy soft toilet paper. I get some things for the windows too and the kitchen and there were sales on some things we needed like bulk paper towels and dishwasher soap.

Speaking of dishes I swing to housewares and I buy some since we don’t have a lot of stuff for company and I get us the kit of the semi-glassware stuff that looks like ceramic. Green and white but four of everything from plates to saucers to tea cups...I did get the one on sale though since it’s just a sort of place holder for maybe nicer things later.

But being there led to buying a couple of bedding sets that looked cute. Again not fancy but those ones that came in the zipped up plastic bags. I get a new bath mat and some guest towels.

That’s when I’m sure this’ll be two carts because most of what I have is big.

I get a nice looking floor rug that feels pretty plush and looks like it’s fake Japanese with like cherry blossom trees and stuff.

And after asking a cashier they’ll hold my stuff giving me a cart pick up number and the greeters look after them. I pay for the first cart and they hold it for me and I go back for more.

This took me taking breaths and going into unknown territory of the women’s clothing section. I buy some panty sets and Fruit of the loom had breathable bikini styled ones and they looked cute and sort of sexy and they were four for like less than fifteen bucks so I bought three packages, one of the Hayne’s boyshorts, three Smart and Sexy black bras because they’re kind of lacy and cute and I get the a grey colored Sweet Nothings lacy one because it looks really sexy….there’s a lot my brain is fighting with, lots I want to buy but this...I just want something to wear while figuring me out.

Oh...gel inserts they have things that I can put on my bras that are helpers I get some of those too.

Sigh...I’m getting in deep, there’s already a lot of clothes here and things.

What if this goes wrong?

I tone it down and get a new robe and there’s a green plaid pajama set that I get because green’s my favorite color and a Canucks long sleep tee, then socks and a pair of sneakers and flats and a few simple tee shirts and Jordache jeans and sweats and a grey ribbed tee shirt dress.

Make-up is really simple….I’m nervous and scared and excited but I pick things that I think will go with my skin tone and try for just the basics and then wipes, brushes, remover...then some body washes and skin care stuff.

I end things with groceries. I get some snacks and then things in for company plus we needed things like milk and our regular stuff plus at the corner shops near us it’s like between a buck to two more for two litres than here. And a few things were on sale that were like just yeah okay buys and while I’m not a great cook I can and I never bake but I do buy some baking things like mixes for stuff.

Then I pay for all of this and don’t even get a look.

I make good money welding at the shop so this all goes on the credit card and I get a cab home asking for a van pick up because I have groceries and things. I check my wallet for cash and get a cash advance off my credit card because I want some money for the cab and

I tip him a twenty because he helps me carry things in and he’s pretty good about that.

It’s morning and Freddie’s off to work and I have the place to myself and I start by putting the groceries away, making a pot of coffee and washing my new clothes.

I don’t wear anything before washing it.

And after a coffee I have a shower and lotion girls deodorant and use the bathroom and wait until things are washed and dried before getting dressed.

Bra...inserts...panties...sweatpants and a tee shirt.

I just try a little mascara and a little of the peach/pink lipstick and...and there I am.

Danni... and I stared for a long time at myself just trying to take it all in.

I do some cleaning with my room and bathroom and toss out a lot of garbage and set up all my things for the bathroom and by that time the rest of the laundry is done and I take it to my room and make my bed then switch to my PJ’s and wipe off my make-up and I crawl in and fall asleep.

I have a lot to do still but I’m just tired and putting the rest of my things away can wait until after my brain is a lot less heavy.

*Alex…

I like it here.

There’s a lot of things you hear about Vancouver but I never really got how pretty it is here in the fall and I just enjoy my walk and actually use it to concentrate on my walking form and try to clear my head from coming out tonight.

I use my phone to find a few yard sales and I just wander mostly looking from one to another but I picked up a Nintendo DS and a dozen game cartridges for ten bucks.

I had one as a kid and it’s a good find.

I’m getting looks though from time to time.

Not everyone but some people clock me as trans, the odd hard look but no one says anything though.

Still it kinda makes my insides do the hard turns.

I left and went for another walk when there was a yard sale where this guy was staring at me with his kid. His son...his son who I see playing with a doll there and he does a take at me and stalks over to his son and rips the toy from his hands and drags him from the yard sale.

“Damned faggots! I told you never to touch that girly shit!”

I watch and I want to move...I want to go over there and do something but I’m froze in place and things actually grey out on me and I’m not there any more but I’m…

…………….Dad’s hand coming on the backswing and his fist connecting to my head. “Stop itm stop being a little faggot!”... There was ripping, tearing and he was wrecking mom’s dress, she’d be so mad at me…………….
I drop to my knees after I hear his son make the same scared sound getting tossed into the car as I used to.

It’s like something broke inside….like that time with Sasha when I broke down.

I used to dress.

Play with things that my dad hated.

Absolutely hated...I… “I’m not a boy daddy!”... I don’t remember why he was dragging me that time but he was raging.

Scared...I was so scared….He tossed me in the car that time and he drove...squealing tires just like this man did.

Dad dragging me out of the car to this big building, a hotel and there were rooms outside and a man at a room with a frowning face.

“Can you do it? Can you help him?”

“By the Lord’s will I can, have you brought the donation?”

“I have…”

Then there was the man looking over me. “We’ll fix you Alexander, We’ll fix you.”

There was a prick in my thigh and everything greyed out.

Then i’m back in the world and my heart is pounding and I’m having trouble breathing and I fall hitting someone’s lawn.

People are rushing over as things aren’t turning grey but black.

I wake up and I’m leaning on a body and there’s some people around me but Rick’s there and I’m pretty sure that I’m leaning against Tommy and Rick has a bottle of water and I was sipping in that not really conscious way until I come too and breath in the next sip and start coughing.

Tommy gives me a few backslaps and rubs my back.

Rick’s looking at me. “Alex?”

I nod.

“Wow, you look like hell, what happened?”

“I...I don’t know. I saw this asshole with his son and they had a doll and he flipped and I...I think I had flashbacks.”

Tommy says. “Of?”

I look at them and I’m shivering. “I think I was a trans kid…” (Sniffle.)...I think that they fixed me.”

Rick swears. “Oh fucking hell, fixed you?”

I can’t stop shaking. “Y...yeah...I...I remember some hotel, dad and some scary guy….”

Rick looks at Tommy. “Alex’s dad was a son of a bitch, I’m going to get shit from him talking smack about me when I go home.”

Tommy asks. “Bad?”

Rick looks at me and I nod and I say. “Full on bigot and dad fired folks that worked for him that were gay or even had gay kids.”

Tommy says. “That’s pretty illegal.”

I nod and Tommy puts his coat over my shoulders and it’s warm from his body heat and both help me up and over to a truck and they help me in and get in with me and we’re still talking.

“Dad never cared about legal he closed our whole store when taken to court until people dropped the charges.”

Tommy shakes his head. “Your dad sounds like an asshole.”

(Sniffle.) “He’s...I don’t...I don’t know…” (Whine)

Rick says. “Alex’s dad when he’s not a bigot he’s really big in the community with stuff like helping the hockey team and the football, baseball and softball teams helping the church out and other stuff. He was so proud of us getting to go to school here because we might scout to the minor leagues for hockey.”

I’m still shaking. “D..dad wanted me to make contacts out here….sp...sports means...b..business people.”

Tommy starts driving. “What’s he do?”

“Silverton Hardware, Boating & Cottage Supplies….he has a big market on boats and cottages and even delivers...we even build and make ice fishing houses and sell snowmobiles and ATV’s and everything for hunting and fishing.”

Rick nods. “Dozens of jobs, Alex’s dad’s a big deal.”

I….It’s there again sticking in my head...in my leg… “There was a needle, the scary guy had a needle.”

I lose it and start crying and Rick pulls me close and I bawl.

I’m not really there when they carry me into their place and it’s so fucked up but okay that Rick takes me to their bed and takes my shoes off and curls up with me and holds me.

I remember crying fits.

I remember a hot blanket smelling of dryer sheets and then I remember a pill...Rick saying “valium”.... And a mason jar mug of apple cider made hot and a cinnamon stick and whisky that I drank pretty fast and then being held until I felt the pill and the drink pull me under.

Dreams and memories happen and while I’m under it’s all mashing up and swirling around and it’s scary, really scary because out of all those snippets I have mixed in with myself now I knew...I knew at like five years old that I wasn’t a boy.

Because I asked her when I was back from my first day of preschool. “Mom...when is my thing going to fall off like yours did?”

I remember her scared, mortified, freaked out.

I remember my dad making life a living hell, a thing of terror until...until the scary man day.

I blurrilly remember talking...movies...I think I remember crying and shocks...like electrical shocks.

I know it wasn’t a hospital.

I remember dad being just so...good after, pushing me all the time but so proud of me.

I can literally remember bonding over beers and making fun of gay folks that were around or at the rental cottages and that he was literally proud of me being a horrible bigot.

I can remember being mad at my mom and couldn’t get why.

There’s so, so much...that’s just fake.

Alex...Alexander was fake...and...it just hurts.

Dehydration wakes me up and I feel groggy but okay and I can smell food cooking and Tommy and Rick talking and I get up and take the comforter with me and head out from the bedroom and into their main space.

Rick looks at me. “Hey you, you okay?”

“No...really, really no.”

He comes over and he hugs me and I let him and lean into it. “I’m so sorry Alex.”

“Lexi...I...I remember I used to call myself Lexi…”

“It’s cute...I like it.”

I nod a few times. “It’s mine, it’s my name, they tried to kill me...replace me...I’m...I’m taking me back….” I’m sort of ghostly angry, you know where you should be screaming in anger and pain but you can’t because you’re barely there in the first place.

Rick leads me to this perfect wicker chair in the corner near the kitchen. It’s beside a window, huge so you can curl up in it and it even goes up and over you in an oval. There’s two wires there that look like for lights with the little clicky white box things and then there’s a little plug there for like maybe recharging their phones.

They have it covered with a ratty old patchwork quilt too that actually makes it sort of neat.

I pull my legs in with the blanket and sit sideways with the blanket. “Can I have a drink?”

Rick asks. “Water, something else or a drink drink?”

“Drink, drink...I’m not sure sober’s something that’s what I want to be right now.”

Rick gives me this sweet sad smile that’s actually a thousand miles from where we were back in high school. “Done, and done, Honey?” He calls to Tommy who’s apparently honey.

Part of my hurt... smiles.

God I feel so fucking broken.

Tommy says. “Coming right up.”

Rick goes and he comes back with big mug of what looks like hot chocolate with marshmallows and shaved chocolate it looks good but tasting it there’s Irish cream in there and other things that I can’t tell and I don’t care to but just sip at.

Rick sits beside me. “Like the blanket fort chair?”

I sip and nod. “I love this actually.”

“Tommy made it for me.”

“For you?”

Rick nods. “Being in love, being in a relationship with a great guy and all of this is still hard on the head. I wanted my like to be normal, to be like all the stuff that we were like told we should want but that’s so not my life now…”

“So a blanket fort chair, I’m actually jealous.”

He smiles and blushes. “I’m seriously happy Lexi.”

It feels so different so automatically deep hearing Lexi.

It was like in the pool of darkness inside me she...me heard it and finally, finally she got to raise her head.

I take a drink of hot chocolate booze getting the hits from the booze and sugar and lots and lots of chocolate.

“I want to be happy Rick, I want to just be...I mean...It’s like everything was just…”

Tears are rolling out and I’m wiping at them. “I just want...I don’t even know who I am.”

Tommy comes over and gives Rick a mug and he takes my mug and he refills mine from a copper pot. “You’re Lexi and I’ve only met you. It’s a start.”

I look at him. “A start?”

“Sometimes we have to start over, there’s zero shame in it, there’s nothing on you for what is just you.”

“But my parents, my family?”

“Aren’t Lexi’s or they’d have had your back instead of dropping their kid into conversion therapy.”

“I…”

Tommy looks at me. “Start living Lexi, just start living, if you need backup you got Rick and I.”

Rick says. “Jamie too, likely others.”

I take another drink and hold my arms out and both the guys hug me.

Tommy looks at me and smiles. “Now how about some supper.”

“Supper?” I look at my watch. “Oh...i have to be back at the dorm soon.”

Rick looks at me. “Oh?”

“I’m coming out to the dorm...I called a meeting.”

Tommy nods. “Okay you get cleaned up and we can eat later.”

“Later?”

“You can come back over after if you need to. If things go bad at the dorm you can couch surf with us.”

“Thanks guys.”

I finish my drink and use their bathroom and get a ride with them back to the dorms and people are at the food hall but will be here soon.

I’m getting my things together and Penny and Tara are there waiting for when I come out and Tara hugs me hard. “Holy fuck I just ran into Rick and Tommy and heard what happened!”

I let her hug me. “Yeah...that, that really is messing with me.”

“You still want to do this?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah, more than ever...I need to cut these chains.”

Penny hugs me hard and holds me for awhile. “Got your back Lexi, no matter what.”

“How’d….?”

“Rick told us.”

I nod and we walk to the showers and I start getting ready and I’m not super girling it up but I’m not hiding either as I shower...cry some in the shower then get dressed.

Tara helps me with my make-up since my hands are shaking and Tommy and Rick are there in the hall as we head down to the dorm’s common room.

People start to filter in and I’m getting stares and there’s more folks coming in including guys from the hockey teams and I’m getting more looks and I hear.

“Holy fuck is that Alex?”

I look around and take a shaky breath.

Phones are out and there’s texting going on and the word’s spreading and i think some people took pictures of me.

We’re filling in faster and soon the common room’s pretty full.

I see Jeff there but he’s hanging back away from me.

And it hurts but I’m good with it too. He’s my first relationship and that’s so much smaller than what’s going on with me and myself and my background stuff.

I take another shaky breath and hold my hands up.

“Hi...I’m Lexi...and I’m coming out….I’m a trans girl and I...I want to be honest with you all.”
The place erupts in people talking.

My stomach drops away as some people leave looking pissed off, not happy with me doing this.