Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1843

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The Daily Dormouse.
(aka Bike)
Part 1843
by Angharad

Copyright © 2012 Angharad
All Rights Reserved.
  
-Dormouse-001.jpg

I’d been home perhaps ten minutes when a car entered the drive and out stepped Inspector Marple. I saw him swagger to the door and ring the bell.

“Are you home, Mummy?” asked Jacquie

“Yes, could you ask Stella if she could collect the girls if I’m delayed by this,” I indicated the door.

“I’ll go and see her as soon as let Mr Plod in.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Look at the size of his feet,” she said snorting and went to answer the door.

I heard voices at the door and a moment after Jacquie led the big footed inspector down the hallway to meet me.

“Lady Cameron, I’d like to ask you some questions.”

“Thank you, Jacquie, we’ll go to my study, Inspector.” He followed on behind me and I led him to the sitting area of the study.

I caught sight of him looking round the room, “Very nice, what you can do with money, eh?”

“I need somewhere to prepare lessons, write up research and study.”

“How many books you got in here?” he made a sweeping gesture across the room.

“Three thousand give or take a few.”

“You read ’em all?”

“Bits of, there’s another two hundred journals over there, and that bottom shelf is the stuff, I’ve published.”

He nodded an acknowledgement. “You keep pretty busy then?”

“Much of the time, yes. I have seven children plus others to take care of.”

“Oh I know about all your kids, an’ how you got ’em, sweet talkin’ judges an’ so on.”

“I did nothing illegal nor immoral, I gave shelter to children who needed a loving household.”

“Turning boys into girls, isn’t it?”

“I beg your pardon?” I felt my anger rising like a polaris missile.

“Three of your so called daughters started off in life as boys–one, I’d have put down to unfortunate, two to coincidence, three–what kind of person are you?”

“And what was I supposed to do, each of them asked me to help them achieve who they wanted to be.”

“There was a fourth wasn’t there? What happened there? Too many hormones was it?”

“Billie died from a brain haemorrhage, and if I hear you say one thing against her memory, so help me...”

“You’ll what? Kill me like Edith Howse?”

“Why should I kill Edith Howse?”

“She didn’t want to talk, megalomaniacs like you don’t like that, do you? And besides she was already a woman. So you turned her into a bonfire.”

“I went to see her, on your suggestion, if you recall. I got my husband to agree to consider loaning her some money to pay off the usurer. She wouldn’t let me talk to her. I went off to think how I might get her to believe who I said I was. I went back to try again and discovered the fire brigade and ambulance were there. I felt sick.”

“Why? What’s she to you?”

“She was someone who was in the grip of some parasite, who I felt I could free from it. But she wouldn’t listen, she was too frightened.”

“Aw didums, so little miss moneybags couldn’t go to the ball, after all.”

“You patronising twat, how dare you?”

“I don’t believe you, I believe you went back with an incendiary device to teach her a lesson.”

“I teach at a university, Inspector. I don’t teach those sorts of lessons, I teach ecology, the conservation of systems not the extinction of life. Unlike you I don’t go around throwing my weight about. I like to try and help people when I can.”

“Sure you do, well you can help me, I’m arresting you for the murder of Edith Howse, you don’t have to say anything but anything...” I heard his voice drone on and on with the caution. My mind went onto auto pilot.

“Let’s go,” he said grabbing my arm and leading me back to the hall where Jacqui and Stella appeared.

“I have to go down to the police station, please call Si and let him know.” Stella nodded knowing that meant call a lawyer or get Si to do it. “Could you let James know, too–his number is my address book?” She nodded again.

I was bundled into the car and we were driven off by another police officer who must have stayed in the car.

“You’re making a big mistake, Inspector.”

“Am I now? What you gonna do, set fire to me as well?”

It was a tempting thought, “No, I shall ask to call my lawyer.”

“You can call your lawyer, but he won’t get you off this one, you were seen at the house.”

“Two hours before the fire.”

“Yeah, but you went back.”

“After the fire had started.”

“No, you started the fire, what with, petrol?”

“Petrol?”

“Yeah, you know as an accelerant.”

“I know what petrol is. I’m still outraged that you would consider me as using it to start a fire.”

“Don’t tell me, there were no boy scouts around to rub together or turn into girl guides.”

“Your jokes are sick as your logic, Inspector. How you’ve got to this level is astonishing, your psychotic personality should have been screened out long before.”

“Psychotic? I ain’t the one who thinks he’s the other sex, or wants to swap other people’s.”

“Oh we’re back to that, are we? You realise it’s illegal to show prejudice, Inspector?”

“I’m not showing prejudice, I’m calling a spade a spade.”

“My legal status is female.”

“Your legal status is under arrest for a nasty murder.”

“And yours is on very thin ice.”

“Just ’cos your so called husband is rich and powerful, don’t mean he can lean on the police to get you off. Or hire a smart lawyer to do it for him. I suppose he’s really queer to marry you, isn’t he?”

“That remark has just cost you your job.”

“Making threats to an officer of the law, that’s an offence.”

“So is slandering someone whose boots you aren’t worthy to clean.”

“Just because he’s rich enough to pay to have your body altered so he can shag it every night, up the arse you like it best I expect, don’t mean he’s nice.”

“You have the mouth of a sewer and the brain of Rattus norvegicus.”

“Oh what a gift a little education is, taught you to pretend to act like a woman did they?”

“What are you talking about?”

“All the airs and graces you put on and the feminine walk–all false, just like your chest.” He poked me in the breast and some milk squirted out and hit him in the eye. I nearly wet myself.

“If that’s silicone,” I’ll kill you,” he muttered.

“It’s milk you stupid little man, I have a nursing baby.”

“How can you nurse a baby?”

“The same as any other woman, how d’you think, or have you never met a real woman except to arrest them and make slanderous insinuations. I can see why you’re not married, unless it was to your left hand.”

“Very funny,” I saw him blush and I suspected he was getting very angry. Suddenly a name came to my mind.

“Lorna Teague turned you down for a date when you were fifteen, didn’t she? Oh dear you haven’t had the bottle to ask anyone ever since.”

He glared at me, “How d’you know about Lorna?”

“Your mother still washes your socks by hand does she? More fool her, mind you, being a mummy’s boy means you can spend all that money on pornography–does she know about the pictures on your computer?”

“How d’you know about...you’ve been spying on me, haven’t you?”

“I know enough to get you investigated by the Police Complaints Authority.”

“You got no proof.”

“I have more proof than you have about me setting fire to that house.”

“Yeah, well we’ll see about that, won’t we?”

“Undoubtedly, I hope you’ve written your letter of resignation and declared yourself bankrupt.”

“You don’t scare me.”

“I should hope not, but I can guarantee my barrister will.”

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