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Part 16

Journal Entry: April 3^rd

Well it’s all out in the open now. Mom and Dad know and needless to say, yesterday was one of the most emotionally-draining days of my life. I can’t begin to tell you the relief that I feel for finally having this all out in the open and having the love and support of my family.

We stayed up late last night talking and Mom and Dad were constantly reassuring me that they love me and support me and will be there for me. How could I have been so stupid for thinking that they would kick me out or stop loving me? Just goes to show you how out of it your emotions can lead you.

Now don’t get me wrong, this whole thing still has me freaked out, but at least now I don’t have the added burden of wondering if my family will still love me or not. I now know the answer.

End Journal Entry

* * *

I really expected to be absolutely wiped out this morning but instead I feel remarkably refreshed.

I get up and take my shower and then start getting dressed. I catch myself halfway through wrapping my chest and smiling, I unwrap the bandage and put on one of the sports bras that Ellen got me. I guess that now I can get a proper bra for these babies. Oh man, I hope the doctor has an answer because this not knowing if I’m coming or going is driving me crazy.

For the first time in ages, I dress in clothes that fit me properly and it feels nice. I look into the mirror and I’m not sure what I see. Is it a boy or is it a girl? I don’t know.

If I get to choose, which would I prefer? I’m not sure of that either.

Brushing away such thoughts for now, I put on my shoes and head downstairs for some breakfast.

When I get downstairs, Mom is in the kitchen reading the paper at the counter.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Morning, honey. Sleep well?”

“Surprisingly, I did. You?”

“Not too bad. You need to hurry and eat your breakfast so we can get to the doctor’s office.”

“Okay. Mom? What do you think is wrong with me?”

“Oh, honey, I don’t know. I suspect that there’s going to be a bunch of tests that they will want to do but I’ll be with you every step of the way. We’ll get answers, okay, sweetheart?”

“Thanks, Mom.”

So I have a quick bowl of cereal and Mom and I take off to her doctor’s office.

Now everything is going just fine until we get into the car and head on out. Then I start to get more and more nervous and worried. By the time we get to the doctors’ office I am extremely worked up and feel like I’m going to throw up at any moment.

Mom notices as we pull into the parking lot. She turns off the car and asks me how I’m doing.

“Mom, I don’t know if I can do this.”

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

“I don’t know. I, I’m just so scared.” At that, I start to cry.

Mom leans across the seat and pulls me to her.

“Oh, honey, it’ll be okay. I’ll be with you, but we need to do this. We need to find out what’s going on with your body.”

“You promise that you’ll be with me? Please?”

“Of course I do. It’s your decision. Now do you think you’ll be okay or do you need another minute?”

“I think I’ll be okay now. Just don’t leave me.”

“I won’t dear. Now wipe your eyes and let’s go in. Dr. Martin is really very good. I think you’ll like her.”

So we go on in. I am holding on to Mom’s hand so tight that she has to ask me to loosen up. I’m so nervous that I hadn’t even noticed doing it.

We sign in and take a seat in the waiting room and that’s when I notice that the sign over the front desk reads, ‘The Women’s Clinic’ and lists a whole bunch of doctors’ names below.

“Mom, this is a women’s doctors’ office.”

“Yes, dear, I know. But she’s the only doctor I know out here and she was able to see you right away. She’s still a doctor and an extremely good one at that. This is her clinic. If she can’t help us herself, she’ll know someone who can.”

That calms me a bit and I sit there while Mom fills out forms. I sit there trying to calm myself even more. I’m not having a whole lot of luck, but I am trying.

When my name is finally called, I nearly jump out of my skin. Mom gives me a little smile and pats my hand.

I go over to the receptionist who called my name.

“You’re, Alex Conners?”

“Yes, and this is my Mom. She needs to come back with me.”

“Fine, go through that door and the nurse will show you to an examining room.”

“Thank you,” and off we go.

A nurse directs us into an examination room and has me sit on the exam table. She takes my temperature, pulse and blood pressure and then says that the doctor will be in shortly and leaves.

While Mom continues to fill out some forms, I look around the room. The exam table I am on is short and has these two U-shaped thingies on poles attached at one end. There’s the usual sink and cabinets as well as a small desk and a portable curtain on a rolling framework.

Finally the doctor arrives. There’s a light knock on the door and she comes in and immediately greets Mom.

I can’t put an age to the doctor. Her face is very smooth with what you just know are laugh-lines at the corner of her eyes and she’s very fit. Except for her long grey hair pulled back in a ponytail, you’d think she was younger than Mom. I immediately like her.

“Sharon, so nice to see you again. This must be Alex?”

“Hello, Helen. Thank you for getting us in so quickly. Yes, this is Alex.”

“Hello, Alex”

“Hello, Doctor Martin.”

“So what seems to be the problem?”

“Well, Alex doesn’t seem to be developing normally and we’d like to get a thorough examination to see if we can’t figure out why.”

“Not normally? In what way? She appears to be fine on first glance.”

“That’s just it, Doctor, she is a he. Alex is my son.”

At this point, Doctor Martin’s eyebrows rise about three inches and I turn bright red and look down with embarrassment.

“Well then, I think I’d better give you that exam and just see what’s going on with you. Take this gown and get behind the curtain and remove all of your clothes and put it on. Sharon, why don’t you step outside while we do this?”

At this I say, “Um, Doctor, could my Mom stay please?”

“Well, I really like to do these exams in private, but tell you what, would it be okay if at certain points we ask your Mom to step behind the curtain, and can you promise me to answer my questions, even if answering them in front of your Mom will embarrass you?”

“Sure, Doctor, that would be fine.” I breathe a big sigh of relief.

I go behind the curtain and change and I gotta tell ya, these gowns they give you, well I almost think that it would be better if you just stayed naked. Almost that is.

I really don’t know why she has me put it on. It only stays on long enough for her to look into my eyes, ears and nose, and listen to my back. Then she has me take the gown off.

I think I figured out why they keep those examination rooms so cold, you tend to heat up from all of the embarrassment. At least I do.

Well the doctor pokes and prods me. She examines my breasts and let me tell you, they’re tender! At one point she has Mom go behind the curtain while she has me lay on my side and she...well, let’s just say that she ‘pokes’ me intimately in my rear. Gods, that is just so embarrassing, even more so than when she examines my boy parts.

I do have to say that if the sign of a good doctor is how thoroughly they examine you, well she must be the best damned doctor ever.

When she is all done she has me get back into the gown and she grills me and my Mom about my medical history. Fortunately, Mom learned long ago to have copies of all of our medical files. This is a necessity given how often we move. She gives a copy to the doctor and it even has copies of the x-rays from when I fell off the roof in Greece.

The doctor tells us that she wants to run some tests and that as soon as we’re done, she will see us again. It seems that everything for the testing can be done in this building and she wants to put a rush on it.

So, then a nurse comes in and takes three or four gallons of blood, has me pee in a cup and she swabs the inside of my mouth. I then have to get dressed and Mom and I go downstairs to get X-rays and an ultra-sound. Both of them require me to get into those gowns again. By the time we’re done it has been over three hours! Personally, I’m exhausted.

We’re back in the waiting room and I’m nodding off despite my growling stomach when Doctor Martin comes out and asks us to follow her back to her office.

We’re invited to sit on a couch and the Doctor sits in a chair opposite.

“Well, Alex, you’ve certainly made this an interesting morning,” she says, smiling. “Now it’s going to be a few days before we get all of the results back from your tests, however there are some things I can tell you right away.”

“I’m turning into a girl, aren’t I?”

“Well, not quite. People can’t change like that. The term that refers to your condition is ‘Intersexed’. Someone who has the biological characteristics of both male and female sexes is considered intersexed. What we need to find out is why you have both male and female characteristics.”

“Doctor, just how extensive is this in Alex?”

I gotta say I was kind of wondering the same thing myself.

“Well we won’t know the full extent until all of the tests come back. However, and with that caveat, you already know about the breast development and the presence of a penis and testes. The ultra-sound reveals that just as your penis and testicles, although present, are underdeveloped, you also appear to have ovaries but any sign of a uterus or vagina is at this point inconclusive. The full extent of your condition will have to await the report from my radiologist.”

At this point I stop hearing what was being said. I suddenly feel like I have a band tightening on my head. My face is hot and I feel chills on my back. I hear a great rushing in my ears and everything seems far away. Mercifully, I pass out.

I don’t know how long I’m out. I don’t think it’s for very long. When I wake up, I am lying on the couch with my feet propped up and I have a wet cloth on my forehead.

Mom is sitting on the edge of the couch holding my hand and is talking to the doctor. I’m not sure what they’re talking about, and quite frankly at this point I don’t care.

All I want to do right now is crawl under a rock somewhere and die. I keep my eyes closed but I can’t stop the tears from flowing.

The next thing I know, Mom is urging me to my feet. I’m still not sure what everyone is saying. I just kind of go where I’m led. I think Doctor Martin says goodbye but I’m not sure. I don’t think I reply.

Mom must have a transporter because the next thing I am aware of is being led into the house. How the hell did I miss the trip home? It’s a good twenty-minute drive.

Mom leads me to my room and soon I am curled up under the covers facing the wall. Maybe this is all just a bad dream and I’ll wake up soon. I sure hope so.

Part 17

Author’s Note: Warning–This Part is rather disturbing as it deals with an attempted suicide. If this is too disturbing for you, please skip to Part 18.

I’m really not sure how long I lie in my room. The shades are drawn so it’s dark and that’s all I care about. I drift in and out, not really sleeping but not really awake either.

There are times that I think someone is in my room but I can’t swear to it. There are other times that I know that Mom or Dad or Ellen come into my room and try to talk with me: I just don’t care anymore. I just can’t summon up any, oh I don’t know, energy, emotion, nothing.

Sometimes I am able to get with it enough to have a bite or two of toast or a sip of juice, but mostly I just lay down in the dark, not thinking but unable not to think. It’s hard to explain.

On the morning of the fourth day I am a bit more aware of things but still not really caring. Ellen comes into my room and starts talking to me.

“Gag me, Alex, it stinks in here. You need to get up and take a shower. Come on, it’s a beautiful day out and I have a surprise for you. I told you I’d help find you a new place to do your running and I think I found just the place. Get on up and we’ll go check it out.”

I want to reach out to her, I really do. I want to be held and have everything made better but I just can’t summon the energy or the desire. Instead I turn back to the wall, hoping that she’ll leave and praying that she won’t.

“Damn it, Alex, if you don’t get up and get cleaned up and rejoin this family, I’m going to make you. Please, Alex, we’re all worried about you.

“Fine, have it your way then.” With that, she leaves and I feel the despair wrap me up again.

I must have drifted off because the next thing I know I am suddenly very wet and very cold. Startled, I sit up and there is Ellen standing next to my bed holding an empty bucket that I presume until recently held cold water.

I’m sputtering and trying to get untangled from the wet covers and all of a sudden the dam breaks open. I finally free myself and fling myself into Ellen’s arms, sobbing for all I’m worth.

I’m babbling nonsense and weeping and Ellen just holds me.

I think that Mom comes in at one point but then she soon leaves. Ellen just holds me and after a very long time I start to calm down. I continue to cling to Ellen crying and hiccupping.

Ellen finally gets me up and leads me into the bathroom. She gets the shower started and helps to peel my wet clothes off me then gets me under the water with instructions to get clean. With her clothes being almost as wet as mine, she leaves me to go change.

I stand under the spray, absently soaping my body and washing my hair. When I’m done, I just stand there, staring off into space. After a few minutes, I realize that I’m not staring off into space but staring at the razor blade I keep in the shower to lance the blisters I sometimes get from running.

I don’t remember picking it up, all I remember is watching the water hit the tiles then swirl down the drain, then wondering why the water is now red but thinking that it looks pretty as the red water hits the floor and the lines of red grow as they approach the drain.

I eventually follow the drops up to see where they where they were coming from and see that somehow I have a cut about three or four inches long on the inside of my forearm. I then notice the red razor in my other hand and it begins to dawn on me just what I have done.

About this time, Ellen comes back to get me out of the shower.

“Okay, Alex, time to get out. You spend much more time in there and you’ll turn into a prune.”

I can’t take my eyes off of my wrist. “Ellen? I think I did something wrong.”

“What? What are you talking about?” She slides open the door to the shower. Looking in, Ellen sees me standing there with blood running down my arm and splashing on the floor.

Ellen screams, “MOM!” and grabs one of the hand towels, turns off the water, wraps the towel around my wrist and pulls me out of the shower all in about two seconds.

“Mother! I need you, please hurry!”

Ellen gets me out of the shower and sitting on the toilet in record time.

I kept saying over and over, “I’m sorry.”

Mom comes flying into the room from wherever she was at and takes it all in at a glance. She pulls the towel away and sees that the blood flow is still heavy so she puts the towel back and applies pressure.

Mom tells Ellen to take over, that she needs to make a call and then we need to get to the hospital.

A couple of minutes later I am wrapped up in my now ruined terry robe and in the back seat of the car with Ellen still holding and squeezing my wrist.

I keep saying that I’m sorry and Ellen keeps asking me why and Mom just looks determined and a whole lot older.

Mom comes flying into the emergency entrance and is out of the car and has the back door open almost before the car has come to a full stop.

I’m getting progressively more out of it but still mumbling, more to myself than to anyone else, that I’m sorry.

Ellen just clings to my wrist, crying.

There is a whirl of activity and I realize that I’m being lifted onto one of those wheeled beds and brought inside where I’m then moved to another larger bed.

I see Ellen being led away, crying. I’m being stripped of my robe and someone exclaims, “What’s happened to her?” I’m being stuck with needles and just as everything starts to fade away, I see Mom crying while she talks with Dr. Martin at the foot of the bed.

Part 18

Slowly I start to wake up. My head feels real fuzzy and I don’t feel anything. I don’t mean physically, emotionally I don’t feel anything. It’s like there’s a wall between me and my emotions. It’s very strange.

I soon realize that I can’t move my arms and looking down I see that they’re tied to the bed. My left arm is bandaged from wrist to elbow and my right has a couple of IV bags attached to it.

The room is dark and I’m alone. In a short while, I hear someone open the door and turning my head, I see Dr. Martin. She turns on the light and comes over to my bed.

“Well, I see that you’re finally awake. How are you feeling today?”

“Hello, Doctor. Um, not real sure. Muzzy headed. I’m kinda out of it.”

“Well that’s from the meds you’ve been given. Now then, you want to tell me what all this is about?”

“I, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t remember doing this. Really I don’t. One minute I was in the shower and I see the razor, and the next I’m looking at the blood going down the drain. I never meant to do this. If I had thought of it, I never could have done it.”

Dr. Martin just stands there for a minute looking at me. Finally she nods her head and says, “Okay then. You realize that you could have easily died? When you got here, you had lost quite a bit of blood.”

“Yes, Doctor. I don’t want to die, I really don’t. I’m just so confused, I don’t know what to do.”

“I can understand that. I’ve given your mother the names of some doctors that can help you sort out your emotions. They can also help you come to terms with what’s happening with your body. Will you talk with one of them?”

“Yes, Doctor. I need all the help I can get and if one of them can help me get through all of this, I’ll gladly go.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear that. I think we can untie your arms now. But you have to promise that if you start feeling bad or confused or wanting to hurt yourself again, you’ll talk to someone right away. If you can’t reach anyone, call me. Promise?”

“Yes, Doctor, and thank you.”

“No problem. Now I think there are a couple people here who would like to see you. Feel up to visitors?”

“Oh yes, please.”

After the doctor unties me, she goes to the door and sticks her head out and calls to someone. Shortly, in walk my Mom and Dad.

They’re smiling but you can also see the worry in their eyes. They come over and sit down on either side of my bed. Dad gently takes my left hand and Mom brushes some hair off my face and takes my right hand and asks me how I’m doing.

“Okay I guess. I’m still a bit out of it. I’m sorry this happened, I didn’t want to worry you. I’m not sure why I did this.”

“Oh, baby, don’t worry about that, you just get better now.”

“Your mother’s right. The important thing right now is for you to get better. We love you and we’re here for you. The doctor says that you might be able to go home tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry I scared you guys. Are Ellen and the twins here, too?”

Mom says, “No, they’re at home. We had a long talk with your brothers. They know what’s going on. They’re very worried about you, as well.”

“Well, if they start to tease me, I reserve the right to bop them one.”

Dad says, “If they tease you, they’ve already been told that their lives will be as miserable as your mother and I can make them. I think they’ll behave. As much as they tease you sometimes, they still love you.”

“Is Ellen okay?”

“She was pretty upset for awhile but she’s better now,” Mom said. “You gave all of us quite a scare but we’re going to get through this. Okay?”

“Okay, Mom, Dad.”

I’m beginning to doze so Mom and Dad just sit there quietly holding my hands.

When I wake up later, they’re gone and a nurse is coming into the room.

“Well hello there. How are we feeling?”

“Uh, I don’t know about you, but I think I’m feeling better.”

“Think you could eat something?”

At that, I realize that I am quite hungry. “Yes, I think so. I think I need to use the bathroom first, though.”

“You think you’re strong enough?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Let me just help you, and we can leave the door open just a bit in case you have troubles.”

So I make it to the bathroom and back and feel like I’ve done a five-mile run. Jiminy, I’m as weak as a kitten.

After getting me settled back into the bed, the nurse leaves to go get my meal. It turns out to be the typical bland hospital food.

Just as I’m finishing up, there is a quiet knock at the door and in peeks Ellen.

“Ellen!”

She smiles and comes over and gives me a hug.

“Hey there, kiddo. How are you doing?”

“Better now. Ellen, I’m real sorry for all of this.”

“Oh that’s okay. You’ve been through a lot lately. I understand.”

“I know. But I feel bad for having you and Mom and Dad and even the twins go through all of this because of me.”

“Listen don’t worry about that. You just concentrate on getting better, okay?”

“Oh, Ellen, I love you so much!”

She’s suddenly holding me again while I’m crying. It’s different this time though. I can’t explain how, just that it is and when I’m done, things don’t seem quite as bad anymore.

“Thanks, sis. Mom and Dad say I might get out of here tomorrow.”

“Um, it is tomorrow, you’ve been in the hospital for the past three days. Mom is over talking to your doctor right now about maybe getting you out of here. She’ll be here in just a bit.”

“Oh that’s great.” Three days? Wow.

“So, are you willing to see a psychiatrist?”

“Yeah, I need someone to help me figure all of this out. I sure can’t seem to do that on my own.”

“Well, Mom has been on the phone all day talking to the ones your doctor recommended. There’s one that has an office right near my school. You could go in with me when you have an appointment and then get a ride home with me too. That is, if that’s something you’d like to do.”

“That would work, although for the first one or two, I think I’m going to need someone with me to hold my hand.”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Pretty soon, we’re chatting away and my spirits are higher than they have been in a long time.

In a bit, Mom and Dr. Martin come into the room followed by the nurse.

Dr. Martin wants to change the bandage on my arm and see how it’s doing and the nurse has some more meds for me to take.

So Mom and Ellen step out and Dr. Martin starts to remove the bandage.

“Let’s just see how this is doing. I tried to make it as neat as possible so we could minimize the chance of scaring. I think we did a pretty good job on it.”

“How many stitches did you give me?” I ask while watching her remove the remaining bandages.

“Thirty-three. You came real close to taking out some major vessels. I hope you realize that if you had done even slightly more damage, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

I look at the ugly red line on the inside of my arm and gulp. It’s a good thing I’m in the bed because I suddenly feel a bit light-headed.

“Thank you again, Doctor for all you’ve done. I promise, you won’t have to do this again.”

“That’s the best thanks I could get, honey. You just take care of yourself and remember, there are an awful lot of people out here who care for you and want to help you.”

“Thank you, I know that now.”

“Good, and there you go. We’ll send your Mom and sister back in but I don’t see any reason to keep you over another night. I think you can go on home. That is, unless you want to stay?” she says, smiling.

Beaming back at her, I say, “Oh, I’d like to go home, I’d like that very much.”

“Good, we need the bed. I’ll go tell your Mom and she can get the discharge paperwork signed. I’m going to want to see you in two days at the clinic to change that bandage and see how it’s healing. If it starts to hurt, you or your Mom give my office a call. If it starts to swell up and/or turns an ugly red–you’ll know if it happens–you get your little posterior back here pronto. Okay?”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Good, I’ll see you in two days. Take care, honey.”

“Bye, Doctor.”

Photo Credit: Ray Philson