Catwalk Confidence by Connie Alexander Copyright  © 2010 Connie Alexander You spend your entire life thinking you’re just like any other boy, when you suddenly find out you aren’t, trying to adjust can be difficult.

Part 3

Journal Entry: January 16^th

Well I obviously didn’t run away after all. I was set to. I was out the door and on my way. To where, I have no idea. But I was leaving.

Within a half-hour, it had started to rain, then sleet. After an hour, the weather had turned to snow. As I was walking down the road, guess who pulls up next to where I was walking? It was Sam from the party and his mom.

I was looking and feeling cold, wet and miserable and Sam’s mom insisted on giving me a ride back home.

Now I couldn’t very well tell her the truth now could I?

I get into their car and Sam’s mom turns the heat up full. Sam, being the good scout that he is, reaches into the back seat and pulls out a blanket and wraps me in it. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. Sam puts his arm around me to help me get warm and eventually we get to my house.

Well they dropped me off and all I could think of was getting warm again. So I thanked them for the ride and went inside to crawl into a warm shower.

I’m not sure if I can muster the courage to run away again. At least not until spring and by then we’ll be in California.

Maybe once we get there I can come up with a solution.

Oh, two more things: The first is that no one even noticed I had gone, and second, Sam still really thinks I’m a girl. He wanted to know if I liked going out to the movies. Great, just friggin’ great.

To top off my crappy day, my stomach feels like it’s in knots. No more pepperoni and anchovy pizza for me.

End Journal Entry

Journal Entry: January 20^th

We heard from Mom and she thinks she may have found the perfect house. She and Dad were on the phone for a couple of hours discussing it and going over pictures that she had e-mailed to us.

It looks like a nice house. Ellen would have her own place in part of the basement. I think they called it a mother-in-law apartment. Funny. Anyway, it also has a pool which would be cool. The twins think so too.

If Mom and Dad buy it, Mom would fly back here in a couple of days, and then back out there for the closing in about a month. We may be in California by the end of February.

I’ve been thinking on what I did and I realize it was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. The problem is, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

There have been times that I’ve thought of killing myself. The problem with that is the prospect scares the crap out of me. I could never go through with it. Running away didn’t seem to go so well either. I mean, even if I succeed in running away, what am I going to do? How would I live?

The only thing I can do is just keep to myself. I’ll keep binding my chest and wearing baggy clothes. I can do that until I can figure something out. At least I hope I can. Binding my chest is not real comfortable, in fact it hurts, but I don’t see much else I can do.

End Journal Entry

Journal Entry: January 22^nd

It looks like we’re going to get the house. Mom signed the paperwork and took care of some other stuff and in thirty days we can move in. That’s not to say we will, though.

Mom and Dad are going to have some work done on the house and we’ll have to sell this one, so we may not move until the first or second week in March.

This move is probably going to be the hardest on the twins. They’re really getting into their scouting. Apparently Sam–you remember Sam?–well Sam looks to be making Eagle or Hawk or Buzzard Scout this upcoming summer. Anyhow, it’s supposed to be the highest scout rank and pretty important.

Anyway, Sam has really taken the twins under his wing (ha, ha, get it? wing...) and has been helping them with their merit badges and stuff. Well I did say he seemed nice. He just needs glasses is all.

Mom will be flying back home by Friday. It will be nice to have her back. I’m trying to work up the nerve to talk to her about my little, but growing problem.

Wish me luck.

End Journal Entry

Journal Entry: January 31^st

I’m not feeling real well today. I think I might be coming down with something. Wouldn’t you know, I get over my stomach ache only to catch a cold. Life sucks.

Mom came home last weekend and has been at a dead run ever since. There hasn’t been any opportunity to talk with her, even if I could have mustered the nerve.

You really aren’t going to believe what has happened. Well, tonight I’m going on a date with Sam. “Date” is the only word I can use to describe what this horrible thing is. Here’s what happened.

The twins had their troop meeting last Saturday. During this meeting, it was suggested (guess by whom) that the troop have a movie night. Families would be invited as well. Have you guessed who made this suggestion? Yep, it was Sam. Well the suggestion fell a bit flat given everyone’s schedules, so Sam suggested that he and the twins just do a movie night themselves.

The twins were absolutely wild about this idea. Then Sam suggested that they could also invite their sister.

Now normally the twins would have broken into laughter and said that their sister was in California and if he was talking about me, well I was their brother.

They didn’t do that this time. Apparently ol’ Sam is a great merit badge helper, or whatever he’s doing for them, and they don’t want to hurt that relationship. So they told him that they were sure that I would love to go, too.

They came home all excited and told Mom about the movie invite and she said that they could go and then they dropped in that I was invited, too. I immediately said no, but they begged and looked pathetic and I still said no. Then Mom declared that I spend far too much time cooped up all by myself and that it would do me good to go out, and then proceeded to call Sam’s mom and finalize things.

I went up to my room, and despite objections to the contrary I did not slam my door. The twins came up shortly after that and explained what happened, and well, the short of it is I now have a date with another boy. I may be sick.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson